Saturday, February 18, 2012

Not Gonna Do It

After careful thought and consideration, I have decided not to blog the 20th season of The Amazing Race for the following reasons:

#1 Brendon
#2 Rachel
#3 Brendon and Rachel, the entity
#4 Brendon and Rachel's wretched fans
#5 The cackles. My god, the cackles!

It's no secret that I have been dreading the upcoming season of The Amazing Race since last September and that dread has only grown exponentially over time. I don't even want to watch TAR let alone devote upwards of 40 hours writing about it. I know how I am and I know that I'll hate every minute of covering this latest installment. So, for my own sanity and well being, I'm going to pretend the 20th season of The Amazing Race doesn't exist and perhaps I'll see you back here for season 21.

My deepest apologies if this upsets any of you, but wasting that many hours doing something I'll despise makes no sense to me. Instead, I'll burn cigarettes into my legs or scratch the corneas of my eyes with razor blades. The fun factor of either of those activities greatly exceeds any amount of joy I'll ever manage to squeeze out of The Amazing Race. In the meantime, I can be found over at the Bitchy Survivor Blog where the cast doesn't make me want to hurl myself onto a rusty spike.

34 comments:

  1. Thank God. Im so glad you decided not to bitch and moan about those two HOT messes! I would have read it anyways, but you saved me from scratching my eyes out ! KUDOS!

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  2. They seem 5 very good reasons but please don't put your cigarettes out on your legs or scratch your eyes out, we need you back safely and in top form for the Bitchy Survivor Blog.

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  3. Will miss your creative take on what is left of this show. Thank goodness we can enjoy your talent on the Survivor Blog. I think I am not going to watch BB this year because it has turned into such a contrivance. It has just become so ridiculous that it insults the original idea of the show.

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  4. There is not enough gin, glitter, magic or unicorns in the world to help you through yet another Brenchel season no matter what show they are on. CBS needs to stop turing to shovel them down our throats.
    We need YOU in our lives Colette, not them, ever again!

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  5. LMAO!!!!! I totally get you! I would rather you focus on the hot mess about to occur on Survivor anyway. No need to hurt yourself... but I bet you would have some FUNNY FUNNY STUFF! What about if they are the first two eliminated? Would you then? Just curios.

    Stacked

    (temporarily Last Minute Bride)... please don't throw up in your mouth while laying on your back tied up. I don't want to be responsible.

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  6. AH COME ON they might get eliminated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. I shall miss your snark, but thankfully I have a bunch of my own. I'm hoping they get eliminated early on, but I know it's doubtful- those two are damn competitive. And that's about the ONLY compliment I can throw their way.

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  8. You know you're gonna watch.... You won't be able to pull yourself away, no matter how enticing and gratifying scratching out your eyeballs seems. :)

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    Replies
    1. Hand to god, I didn't watch it. It seriously doesn't interest me. That's why I had the dread in the first place - I DIDN'T WANT TO WATCH.

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  9. Understandable. We still have Survivor, and save your best for BB this summer (unless it sucks).

    You're actually saving me time as well, since I would've read it all.

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  10. I was wondering how you'd get through it.

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  11. DavidfromMissouri(butdon'tholdthatagainstme,please)February 20, 2012 at 1:49 PM

    Say it isn't so! Your blogs are must-reads for me! Here are two reasons to reconsider. Having watched the first episode, I can say that it's clear CBS is in on the joke with these two. I really think A.) they're going to be eliminated early (Brendon's arrogance and completely baseless sense of superiority are going to cause him to overthink something basic that will get them eliminated in the funniest and most embarrassing way possible, resulting in one of his patented "that competition was rigged for someone with smaller feet" poutfests) and B.) until they are gone, CBS is going to edit them to showcase them in all their buffoonishness. If there's any reason to boycott this season, it's not Blech-chel but rather the shocking absence of gay contestants. What, no adorable gay (or scary lesbian) life partners this time? Come on, CBS! You have the same interchangeable muscleheads and be-jugged bimbos every season. I can't tell the Kristens/Kaitlins/Kimbers/Kristys and Jakes/Jordans/Jamies/Jordans apart. You have on two guidos, but Jersey Shore was SO 2011. Fabulousness never goes out of style! I suspect that Survivor is going to be a snooze this year. Except for Colton, there's not one character who sticks out in my mind after that first episode. C'mon, your fans NEED your weekly dose of snark!

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  12. Sadness. I fully appreciate you weren't digging the TAR recaps (and was surprised you even did last season - although the Bert / Ernie commentary was priceless) but I'll miss my twice-weekly dose of Colette Lala!

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  13. Dearest Colette,

    Your commitment to extreme self torture was certainly short lived. I must say I do not blame you even the tiniest amount. A mostly sane blogger is preferable to what this season of TAR would likely have done to you.

    Jeff

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  14. I was pleased that Brenchel didn't get a lot of air time last night. Of course, there were 11 teams, it's possible as the pool gets smaller they will get more air time. Ugh.
    I have never watched BB, except for maybe one episode, so I am basing my total hate of Brenchel solely on what I have heard from you. Anyway......they definitely were not the focus last night. Let's hope it stays that way. You would have enjoyed the fact that two beauties got eliminated for making a STUPID mistake. Even Phil said, nobody has ever made a mistake such as the one made last night. Idiot girls! We will miss you blogging TAR. But, we will make you come back next season. PLEASE!

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  15. Let me say that I always HATED Brenchel since the begining but when they changed their ways in BB last year and Rachel won, i started to like them and right now i just LOVE them....

    Watching TAR this Sunday was like watching BB all over again with them in it...i am a HUGE BB Fan (hense my name)...and everytime any BB players play another show i always root for them(like Jeff&Jordan) who i ADORE.....

    So i'll be watching every week and rooting for Brenchel to win the Race and the Million dollars for their Dream wedding...

    I will miss ur nicknames for the teams the most, LaLa...but otherwise u just gave me extra time every week to do something else, lol....☺....

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  16. Since I've never watched BB, it makes me sad that you will not be commenting on TAR. I will miss the weekly recap of the show but will continue to enjoy the Survivor blog.

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  17. You were certainly vocal in your eagerness to blog TAR20 in your closing lines of the TAR19 finale blog post though. Thanks for keeping up with Survivor.

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  18. I'm glad even you have your limits Lala, It sucks cause I did sort of like last season TAR until I found out ernie and burt won. I thought TAR was the only untainted show from CBS's horrid producers and casters, but I guess nothing is sacred. Next will probably be the Kardashian sisters and Justin Beiber with his mom on this show. Lets all hope those two nimrods that we all wanted to forget lose early so we can at least see part of this season

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  19. Me and the wife play The TAR drinking game. We drink once every time Rachel says "Sorry" and chug whenever she says "I'm so Sorry"

    We are usually drunk by the first commercial break - so it kinda numbs the pain for the next 45 mins.

    Rooting for Team Army or Team Border Patrol

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  20. I Missed the first episode and do not watch BB so I was disappointed when I saw you were not going to review TAR this season until Crying and self loathing (I'm just a girl, I am not as smart as you, Sorry, I'm so sorry....). I am thinking may have to follow TAR via the blogs and not even watch this season.

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  21. Can you please do the episodes after Branchel is eliminated... please (bats eyes)

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  22. I think you are missing out on what seems to be the breakdown on 'Brenchel' I had never seen or heard of them before, but I truly do feel that with the unnecessary histrionics displayed so far, they will eliminate themselves sooner than later. I am rooting for the dating divorcees, border patrol and maybe mississipi masala. I think the army couple will lose since they are strong but seem incapable of making good decisions. Who on earth uses an Express pass at the first difficult task and then end up with a two hour penalty in the same leg? Sheesh.

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  23. OH MY GOD! to say that i abhor 'brerachel' would be an understatement!! i want to jump through the tv screen, grab her by her extensions, and shove her face into the ground so that no one ever has to hear her SHIT again?

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  24. Well the good news is they lost. Until they're able to come back for the 4th time and win it after the other final 2 teams catch a horrible case of stomach virus.

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  25. YOur a total cunt and i hate you. There i said it. BRENDAN AND RACHEL Till the end. What makes you even a bit better than them? Nothing..

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    1. I think this is my most favorite comment of all time.

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  26. Dearest Colette,

    Congratulations on skipping the last season of TAR, I passed also and do not regret it even the tiniest bit. Some reasons I will be tuning in to the upcoming season while hopefully reading some super bitchtastic blog entries along the way.

    1. Double the prize money is sure to bring out a little extra ruthlessness in some of these people.

    2. Goat farming life partners Josh & Brent – really what more do you need?

    3. Monster truck drivers! Just think of the possibilities on those jaunts between tasks.

    4. Heavy metal musicians.

    5. First we had a dude in the Olympics with no legs, now we get a chick on TAR with no legs. There is bound to be a budding Nanook in this crowd who will have no qualms about pushing her down, stealing her magic legs and throwing them in some snake infested hole in the jungles of Vietnam.

    6. Two Chippendales dancers, one loves to shop and the other can’t wait to get to Greece.


    Jeff

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  27. Hey the new season started, I need your bitchiness!! :O

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    1. Bitchiness is in full swing on the Bitchy Survivor Blog.

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  28. Are you ever going to blog about the amazing race again? i understand your hatred of brechel, but its been two seasons since you've blogged about TAR. So why has it been so long?

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    1. Because I hate the show. I've always hated it. Plus, it never starts on time. The only reason I blogged in the past was because I was close to some of the racers.

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  29. Thought you'd like to know that Brendon and Rachel are back. Again.

    We miss you.

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