Saturday, September 24, 2011

Ron & Bill: Team Stewardess


Last one! Ron & Bill, from the state of California, are this year's token TAR gays. Both men are flight attendants which means not only do I get to call them Team Stewardess, but they'll know every trick in the book when it comes to navigating through airports.

Ron says he hates it when Bill uses "word inflation" while Bill is put off by Ron's moodiness. I have no idea what "word inflation" is, but if it's anything like how I'm laboriously utilizing a plethora of unnecessary language to inflate this sentence into something much more grandiose than it needs to be, then I think I like it. Flowery prose is my partner in crime. Just read the Bitchy Survivor Blog. Alright, let's check out our final video for the day:



No way in hell these guys are winning, but I like 'em. I like 'em a lot. I always do with the gays. I can't help it. And those shirts... come on! Not everyone with Dick Clark dyed hair can wear an aqua blue shirt trimmed in gray and pull it off.

Well, that's it. Kind of a dull cast if you ask me. I'll blog the show as long as it keeps my interest. The second I'm bored is the second I bail. I still haven't gotten over how horrible Big Brother 13 was this summer. That's a grudge I'll hold for life. So, it's your move Amazing Race. Impress me.

Liz & Marie: Team Parent Trap


Liz & Marie Canavan are identical twins from Deerfield, Illinois and that makes this one a no brainer: Team Parent Trap. Liz lists her occupation as a marketing assistant while Marie lists hers as "soul searching". That's just a fancy way of saying she's unemployed.

OK this is pretty funny - Liz thinks she looks like Kate Hudson while her sister looks like Charlize Theron. You're twins, you freak! Either you both look like Kate Hudson or you both look like Charlize Theron. You can't have it both ways honey bunch. I can't wait to see this video:




They're not so bad. I might end up calling them Team Sweet Valley. I'll have to think about it. I'm just glad to finally see a team that isn't camera shy or awkward. Although, I hope telling them apart won't be a problem for me while blogging. I might just end up referring to both of them as LizMarie. That'll work.

Laurence & Zac: Team Gilligan


Laurence & Zac are the father/son boating team from Thousand Oaks, California. Laurence is a yacht manager and Zac is a "record setting boat captain". As Zac is only 19, what the hell kind of record could he have set? And while we're on the subject of teenagers... stop putting them on my shows! Someone underage in the cast means no drinking challenges and I can't have that.

Laurence's biggest accomplishment is his family of eight children while Zac's is being the youngest person to sail around the world. Well, I guess if he got lost at sea, Laurence has 7 others who could replace him. To the video, matey!



Hmm. I kind of like these two. Or rather, I like Laurence. Zac has that Hayden Moss hair that drives me insane and it'll be very difficult for me to get past it. And, as if I need to say it, Laurence will henceforth be known as 'Skipper'.

Kaylani & Lisa: Team Pink Ladies


Kaylani & Lisa are friends and cocktail waitresses from Las Vegas, Nevada. Like any other red-blooded American, I see the name "Kaylani" and I'm immediately reminded of Grease 2. Hello? The Lani Kai Lani Luau? The spelling may be different, but it still counts. Thus, Team Pink Ladies is born.

Both Kaylani and Lisa think that Kaylani is very Demi Moore while Lisa is very Kim Kardashian. One of these days someone will have to explain to me the fascination with Kim Kardashian. I'm already bored with these two. Let's see the video:



*stabs self in eye* Win the day! *giggle giggle* Oh shut up. I don't anticipate these two wordsmiths lasting very long. One of them will lose her little red bandana and it'll be chaos.

So far all of these videos are horrible, right? Maybe it's the interviewers fault. *shrugs shoulders* I don't know, but I have yet to see any big personalities and/or charisma. It's just a bunch of regular people chatting about how they're happy to be on the show. If I want to see regular people I'll go to the grocery store. Give me something I can work with... please!

Justin & Jennifer: Team Aniston


Before I even introduce these two, I know you're asking yourselves, "Team Aniston? Huh? But why Lala?" I'll tell you why. I googled "Justin & Jennifer" in an effort to find their official photo and apparently Jennifer Aniston is dating some douche named Justin. Long story short, my search produced a slew of Aniston photos and now they're stuck with that name until I can think of something more appropriate.

This "Justin & Jennifer" aren't romantically involved though. It turns out that the TAR Justin & Jennifer are brother and sister. He's a doctor and she's a Special Education Teacher. Justin is scared of venturing into dangerous locales while Jennifer is scared of being thrown into a foreign prison and stuck there to rot for the rest of her life a la Brokedown Palace. Me too! Between Brokedown Palace, Return To Paradise, and Locked Up Abroad my biggest fear in international travel is having some shady character stick a brick of coke in my bag and me being forced to sleep on a rattan mat in a roach infested cell on a diet of rice and brown water for the next 28 years. I totally get it Jennifer. Let's see how these two are in person:



Alright, now I know their video was insanely boring, but I think there's something there. Justin's cute and it's endearing how meekly he sits. I have a feeling Jennifer beat the shit out of him when they were younger. And don't kid yourselves, Jennifer is going to be a holy terror in panic mode. I'm not writing these two off yet. If I end up liking them, they'll definitely need a new team name. I can't stand that Aniston!

Jeremy & Sandy: Team Ambien


Jeremy & Sandy hail from California and are listed as "dating". Jeremy is in real estate and thinks he's a lot like Ryan Gosling. Sandy is a nurse practitioner and thinks she's of the Jennifer Aniston persuasion. As I've been Team Jolie all my life, Sandy is already on my shit list.

Jeremy's biggest fear is getting food poisoning while Sandy's is that Maddox will stab her in the eye. I kid, I kid. Sandy's biggest fear is sleeping. She's worried she won't have time to sleep while traveling. Seriously? Bitch may be traveling to the Middle East, forced to eat scorpions, or swim with sharks and her biggest fear is sleep deprivation? Alright, meet Team Ambien. Let's check out their video:



Ha! Sandy Draghie. That's like Julia Gulia (name the movie in the comments and you're a big weiner). I don't know about you, but I don't see a hint of a smidgen of a resemblance to Gosling or Aniston. That sneer on Jeremy's face is kind of awesome though. He looks like he's sniffing an onion/bleu cheese/tuna dip that's been sitting in a hot car all day. She'll be a firecracker though. There's something very Camille Grammer about her. And, of course, I think it would be hysterical if they went home first.

Ethan & Jenna: Team Sweetfart


Alright, here we go. Here they are. Throw your streamers and start your ticker tape parades. It's Ethan & Jenna, America's Sweethearts. As I am contractually obligated to dislike with great ferocity any team/players that CBS and the American public feel I should love, I'll tell you right now that I am anti Ethan & Jenna. I feel like their CBS ship should have already sailed. Yes, I know Ethan was sick, but I'd rather see some more current/relevant Survivors on the show instead of these two. I feel like they're too safe, too cookie cutter. I'd love to see an odd pairing like Spike (Marty) & Phillip or Shambo & Mascaroni (Andrea). I mean, come on! The humor, the drama, the fights... oh boy!

Since every other site and blog in the world will be calling these two Team Survivor, I will call them Team Sweetfart. Please to enjoy:



See how nice they are? Ugh!

Ernie & Cindy: Team Bert & Ernie


Let's meet Ernie & Cindy, an engaged couple from Chicago. Ernie thinks he looks like Ty Pennington and Cindy looks like Lucy Liu. Cindy, however, thinks Ernie looks like Zach Morris from Saved By The Bell. I really hope Cindy is right because I'd love to name this team Team Zach Attack. As for herself, Cindy likes to think she's akin to Lauren Conrad. Um, what?

Let's see... Zach is scared of anarchy and Cindy is scared of traveling while being gluten-free. These two should be a barrel of laughs. Let's see exactly how exciting they are:



He looks nothing like Zach Morris. I'd like to call him Little Lord Fauntleroy, but that's way too long to type over and over again. I mean, come on, Ernie is as gay as day is long - not that there's anything wrong with that! Cindy is going to be a nightmare. I can tell already. Bossy, stubborn, know-it-all. Umm, let's call them Team Bert & Ernie because I'm pretty sure Ernie wishes that Cindy was a "Bert".

Bill & Cathi: Team Chatty Pants


Now we meet the married team of Bill & Cathi from Oregon. Bill is a retired teacher turned farmer and Cathi teaches university courses online. Cathi's biggest pet peeve about Bill is that he's an angry driver which, for us, means a good time. Let's get Bill behind the wheel of a car in let's say Tokyo or Mumbai and see how he fares.

Please to enjoy:



First off Cathi is a liar liar pants on fire. Those two universities "close to her home" are VERY close as they're ONLINE and live inside her computer. It distinctly says in her cbs.com profile that she teaches online courses. As far as Bill goes *smiles to self*, he looks like trouble to me. What's up with Mr. Grumpy Pants biting his lip in anger the whole time? You think Chatty Cathi wears the pants in that family? Um, let's call these two Team Chatty Pants. This name, as with all team names, is subject to change.

Andy & Tommy: Team Snow Bunny


Next up are the professional snowboarding friends Andy & Tommy from California. These two former Olympians are no strangers to traveling the world. Everest, Fuji, Kilimanjaro... they've snowboarded down them all with the wind in their hairs and love in their hearts. Let's call these two adrenaline junkies Team Snow Bunny.

I have a feeling they might be of the stoner ilk. Let's see if I'm right:



*whomp whomp whomp* Kind of a buzzkill, right? For a second there I thought they might be our comedic duo this season, but then they spoke and my hopes were quickly dashed. Well, let's hope they can score some hash in Thailand or something.

Amani & Marcus: Team Pretty Luther


First up is the married couple of Armani and Marcus Pollard from the great state of Georgia. Since I have exactly one day to post this entire miserable cast, I'm going to keep all of these bios extremely brief. I'll try to get them all team names, but I won't be delving into their backgrounds too much.

Amani thinks she's the love child of Raven Simone & Julia Roberts and that her husband, Marcus, is a cross between Idris Elba & Kobe Bryant. Combine these two outrageous comparisons together and I'm thinking we've got ourselves Team Pretty Luther. I also fully intend to misspell Amani as Armani for the run of the season. It's just easier that way.

To the video!




Is there an echo, echo, echo? They annoyingly repeating everything the other one says, but, for the most part, they're cute enough. Let's just hope Armani has a temper on her. I'm predicting an early exit for these two.