Monday, April 18, 2011

That's Gotta Be The Biggest Weiner

Austria. Mozart, sausages, boys choirs, Freud, The Sound of Music, The Terminator. The land of Schnitzel, Germany's first cousin, is our next stop in this neverending race around the world. Up until this point, our racers had star quality - clean clothes, sparkly smiles, silky hair. Now, they've all got a film covering them and, I'm not sure, but I think they might smell a little bit like diesel fumes, cumin and bleu cheese. They're a little ruddy, a lot tired and probably sick of digging to the bottom of their backpacks in search of a clean pair of unmentionables. The cowboys whom consistently look so starched and crisp are now wilting and sad. Gary and his usually chipper daughter now just go through the motions of being happy. Vyxsin inexplicably has a cowbell in her nose while the Globetrotters have stopped changing clothes altogether. Jen has to wear a hat everyday now because her tracks are beginning to show while Kisha's normally form fitting running pants have lost their elasticity and look a little like baggy slacks now. Lastly, Team Ass Burgers, covered in sticky body fur, are in definite need of a Silkwood shower. Someone needs to spray all these bitches down stat! I'm talking Clorox, Lysol and some Rid, you know, just in case. I also wouldn't object to a flea dip. Let's recap, shall we?

As Team Globetrotter (Flight Time & Big Easy) were the first to arrive, they are now the first to depart. Teams are instructed to fly to chilly Vienna, Austria where they will choose a Ford Focus (Ford Focus! Ford Focus! Ford Focus!) and get their next clue. Team Ass Burgers (Zev & Justin) and Team Pee Pee (Jen & Kisha) depart next followed by Team Christ (Gary & Mallory) who's extremely worried about this being "Leg 8". Had I stuck with blogging this godforsaken show last season, I would have discovered that this was the leg that knocked that little cheerleader out of the game. That sounds about right being as the number 8 represents a new beginning in Christianity. Here's hoping God is consistent and really really Old Testament-y (evil and vengeful) this time around. Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord) and Team Banshee (Vyxsin & Kent) depart last and off everyone trots to some local travel agencies to book their flights. It turns out there are two flights leaving for Vienna. One has two connections and lands at 5:30 am while the other has one connection and lands at 6:00 am. Team Cowpat gambles and takes the later flight with fewer connections since every flight they've taken thus far in the race has departed at least a half hour late.

Wouldn't you know it? This is the one time in air travel when every flight lands and departs precisely when they say they will. Team Cowpat's gamble turns out to be another dumbass mistake with every team but them landing early and racing to retrieve their new Ford Focus (Ford Focus!). Teams are now instructed to climb into their Ford Focus where Phil will talk to them inside the Ford Focus via the fancy schmancy Ford Focus reverse camera thingie and the Ford Focus touch screen where he will reveal the next clue. In addition, the winners of this leg of the race will win a Prius. Just kidding. They'll win a Ford Focus - each! Team Banshee gets their message first and immediately Vyxsin begins to feel those face melting pangs of her PMS strategy creeping back into play. If you'll remember, several weeks ago (4 to be exact), Vyxsin outlined her PMS plan for us. It involves lots of crankiness, tantrum throwing and usually ends with her on the ground in the fetal position crying off many layers of mascara. So while Vysxin was kicking the back of Donner's (Kent's) seat and searching under the floor mats for a Hershey bar, Team Ass Burgers and Team Globetrotter were busy getting their first clue. Looking into the reverse camera thingie, the words Schloss Schallaburg are revealed and off they go to find their next clue.

Meanwhile, Gary has been pushing all sorts of buttons on the touch screen. So far he's entered his home address, found the location of the nearest Starbucks and is already half way through the opening credits of Toy Story 3 (Yes, it plays DVD's.). You see, Gary is from a much simpler time where people used phone books, mailed letters and had regular plain old whole milk (none of that almond, rice or soy crap) delivered to their doors first thing in the morning. Radio shows were all the rage and men wore garters to hold up their socks. Motion pictures cost a nickle and boys in pageboy caps rode cargo on the Starlight Express with canned goods stuffed into a knotted kerchief hanging limply off the end of a stick. This new modern world with it's 4G's and flat screens is overwhelming to an old timer like Gary. He still doesn't understand how Phil got inside that tiny screen in the car. That's some Houdini shit right there. Sitting in the back seat, Mallory tries to force a smile while she begins to wonder if God has heard any of her prayers at all. Could it be that this whole time God has been focused on other stuff? What could possibly be more important than The Amazing Race?!

At this point the cowboys have landed and Mallory has thrown her rosary out the window of her Ford Focus. Out on the Austrian highway Team Ass Burgers stops into a Kwik-E-Mart and asks for directions to Schloss Schallaburg. A kindly gentlemen draws out the route on a map for them and back on the road they go. Team Banshee sees the man give the Ass Burgers directions so Donner grabs him by the back of his coat and demands that he is given directions too. Team Pee Pee arrives and tries to steal a look at Team Banshee's map. Vyxsin snatches the map away, tells Jen to buy her own and races off into the night with her clown faced little bitch boy in tow. Gary & Mallory finally make it to the convenience store where we discover that Mallory has given up her penchant for cheerleading and replaced it with a screeching off key soprano singing voice, "Weeee're goiiiing to a cassssstllllle!!!" Then she scrunched up her face all cutesy like and a couple of angels fell out of the sky plummeting to their deaths. Team Cowpat gets their directions last and back into the frigid wee morning hours we go.

Speaking of cold weather, Zev doesn't care for it. Actually, when you stop to think about it, Zev doesn't care for many things at all. We know he hates crowds, loud noises and ornery tea cups, but now he hates the atmosphere and I began to wonder exactly what in this world Zev actually likes. I guess he likes that hirsute companion of his, but I'm not sure what else he likes. Kittens, perhaps? *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? So, Team Ass Burgers arrives at the castle where a Renaissance Faire chick is waiting to give them their next clue. Justin says she's from Harry Potter, but I've never seen a Harry Potter movie in my life so I'll ignore that comment and say she's from Medieval Times instead. There were no utensils in medieval times hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi? (tell me which actress said that quote in the comments and you're a big weiner!) Masticating a piece of gum like his life depends on it, Justin takes a giant tome from the wench and races back down the hill to his Ford Focus just as a whole slew of other Ford Focii (I assume that's the plural) pull up. Team Banshee head up to the castle where Donner is beside himself with smit. "This looks special! She looks nice!", he exclaims. In that moment I knew that Donner is not only a cartoon-y Perky Goth, but a hanging out in cathedrals and studying up on Tudors garb Medieval Goths. You see, Goths can be very neatly placed into subcategories. You have your Vampire Goths and your Victorian Goths, Deathrocker Goths and Fetish Goths, Cyber Goths and Romantic Goths. The one thing all Goths have in common is a penchant for the color black and a Sisters Of Mercy album somewhere in their collection. If I had to put Vyxsin into a Goth subcategory, it would probably be Mental Institution Goth. I'm pretty sure she's not only on Lexapro, but has undergone electroshock therapy at some point in her life. I'm also not entirely sure that her tricyclics aren't responsible for turning her hair that color. It's a theory I'm working on.

OK so all the teams get their giant book from the lady wearing a dunce cap and they speed off to find the National Library. Vyxsin has another meltdown in the car and, according to my calculations, she's overdue for her next Midol/thorazine drip. Team Ass Burgers arrives at the library first where Justin shoves his book into some random guy's gut and waits to get a response. Lucky for him it turned out to be the right guy and the boys get their next clue which is a Detour: Long Hard Walk or Quick & Easy Meal. In Long Hard Walk, teams have to make their way to the former home and office of Sigmund Freud. Then, working together, teams have to transport an analyst's couch one mile to the school where Freud once taught. An analyst's couch?! This is gonna be a piece of cake for Vyxsin! In Quick & Easy Meal, teams have to make their way to some giant ferris wheel where they'll have 12 minutes to chow down on two plates of food. Since Zev is hungry, Team Ass Burgers chooses Quick & Easy meal. On their way out the door they pass Team Pee Pee and Justin shouts, "Wassup wassup!" (drink) I'm revamping the drinking game a little bit this week. From now on, just drink anytime Sasquatch says something that someone on Jersey Shore would say. I realize this is cruel and unusual alcohol punishment, but just go with it. Team Pee Pee chooses Quick & Easy Meal as well and I hoped, for Jen's sake, that it wasn't a fiber heavy meal.

While sitting on a subway to the ferris wheel, Jen isn't concerned at all about maybe having to hit the loo after the upcoming Detour. In fact, all she's concerned about is eating a big weiner. Jennifer Hoffman! What a thing for a lady to say! Actually, it was awesome. And voila! I got my title. Thanks Jen. Keep 'em coming. So while Jen was saying hysterically filthy things, the Globetrotters decide to do Long Hard Walk, but first... a tinkle break. Right there, in the wide open air, on the side of a beautiful historic building, Flight Time whips out Mr. Johnson and pees. Now that's efficient racing! Team Banshee decides to do Long Hard Walk as well because, like I said before, Vyxsin most likely knows her way around an analyst's couch... and the east women's ward of Bellevue... and several clinical drug trials at NIH.

Team Pee Pee arrives at the ferris wheel first and picks up their plates of food. Kisha wonders where the ketchup is which cracked me up because, yes, the food looked like chicken fingers, but, no, the girls didn't eat them with their hands. Those crazy bitches were cutting it neatly with their utensils. According to my copy of Emily Post (and Pretty Woman), it's ok to eat certain things with your hands - chicken fingers, pate and, if you're like me, spaghetti. So while the girls were being charmingly ladylike, a strikingly different scene was taking place in Team Ass Burgers' compartment. I'm surprised those two didn't just tie their hands behind their backs and stick their faces right into their plates. I'm horrified by what I saw in that scene. Visions of crumbs leaping out of Justin's mouth haunted me as I slept last night. With sweat dripping down the sides of their faces, the cavemen shoveled bite after bite into their enormous traps. My memory isn't exactly the best, but I think there was lots of beating on chests and waving of drumsticks in the air. Over in the girls' compartment, Jen daintily sliced into her chocolate cake while Kisha continued to cut her meat into delicate little pieces. Whooshing back to the boys area, it was an all out butt scratching, pants unbuttoning, belching fest. Tiny bits of meat were stuck in Justin's beard. Little crumbs of chocolate cake sat trapped in his chest hair, lettuce leaves hung out in his back hair. *shudders* I should really write horror novels. In the end, neither team finished their meals. Apparently, in German, "quick & easy" means "humanly impossible".

Gary & Mallory enter the food compartment from hell next where Mallory insists she'll finish her plate, "I ain't taking on these calories for nothin'! *giggle giggle*" When she said that Gary stared blankly into the camera and I knew, I just knew, that's even he is sick of his daughter's light and fluffy b.s.. Or maybe he stole some of Vyxsin's Xanax, I'm not sure. OK, so back out on the street we find the Globetrotters picking up their couch. Flight Time has no idea why the couch was such a big deal to Freud. He thinks maybe Freud had a furniture fetish or something. While that may sound a little nutty, it's highly possible. I saw that episode of Nip/Tuck where the guy had sex with his couch. He made hot monkey love to his coffee table and, I can't be certain, but I think he gave his ottoman multiple orgasms. So yeah, maybe Freud was a furniture fetishist. Who knows? Team Banshee picks up their couch next with Team Pee Pee right behind them. Back in the ferris wheel, Gary and Mallory have eaten everything on their plates except for the gigantic hunks of meat that made up the majority of the meal. I don't know what sort of assbackwards strategy that was, but it didn't work and they fail the task.

Meanwhile, Big Easy has the couch perched on his shoulders as he marches up a steep hill. Flight Time worries he'll wear himself out, but Big Easy thinks it's the fastest way. Conversely, Donner & Vyxsin are lying on the wet pavement punching each other with tiny angry fists. Kisha & Jen have their couch as well and are dragging the fancy oriental rug through the slush and mud of the streets in Vienna. Kisha worries that they'll ruin the rug while Jen assures her that the clue said nothin' about keeping nothin' clean. Zev & Justin finally pick up their couch and are concerned that so many couches are missing already and, at this point, Vyxsin has now smooshed Donner with the couch and is lying in a puddle of mascara stained tears. All we see are Donner's tiny little shoes sticking out from beneath the couch. Rest in peace young lady... I mean, sir.

Team Cowpat are now almost at the couch place where they spot Zev & Justin wrestling and belching into some cushions on the side of the road. As a result, Jet & Cord get their second wind and are thrilled that they're not yet out of the game. In the meantime, Team Globetrotter are delivering their couch where Flight Time takes what looks like a nasty spill on a set of wet marble stairs. I sure hope that wasn't urine he slipped in. Eventually, they deliver their couch without further incident and are instructed to drive to Salzburg. Hey, I've been there! I love it when I've actually been to a city TAR goes to because then I get to slip in funny little anecdotes and look like a seasoned world traveler. Unfortunately, all that's coming to mind are the annoying Canadians who slept down the hall from me and kept singing Sound Of Music songs all night long. You see, I flatly refused to attend any Sound Of Music tour - the city is full of them - as the idea of sitting trapped on a bus with a bunch of tourists singing "I Am 16 Going On 17" is my idea of a fresh hell. Instead, I took a tour of some castle where the guide hated all things Schwarzenegger and inisisted that all of Austria hated him too. Good times. Now, if the teams go to Innsbruck next, I've got a charming little story about how I refused to take a gondola and insisted on hiking up the side of the mountain where I damn near broke my face. Anywho, teams now have to drive to downtown Salzburg where they'll find their next clue.

Flight Time & Big Easy take off for their next destination while Justin is busy carrying his couch all by himself. Zev is helping by carrying a pillow and lending Justin encouraging words including warnings about when the couch might fall. Team Cowpat, with their very own grand and sweeping soundtrack right out of Paint Your Wagon, is cruising up and down the streets with their couch while relying on good old-fashioned teamwork. You hear that Zev? Team. Work. Not Justinwork, teamwork. Also, I'm pretty confident that "Justinwork" means surfing YouTube videos all day long and making Fantasy Football picks so it's not like it's going to get you very far. Zev needs to kick it up a notch and he needs to do it pronto. At this point, Team Christ now has their couch and Team Banshee is attempting to smash through the glass doors to deliver theirs. Vyxsin reprimands Donner for being so negative (ha!) while Donner continues to whine, "I caaaan't, I caaaan't!" Is he on his period too? Someone get the boy some chamomile tea and some tampax. Anything to shut him up. Miraculously, they deliver their couch with Team Pee Pee delivering theirs right behind them.

Lift, lift, yell, push, push, grunt, Team Ass Burgers arrives and a man whom I think was named Mephistopheles tells the exhausted boys to deliver their couch three flights upstairs. As the devil is a prankster and always up to no good, Zev & Justin are horrified to discover that they've delivered their couch to the wrong place and must descened all three flights of stairs again allowing Team Cowpat to sneak in ahead of them. Upon seeing the four couches already sitting in the room, Justin puts his Speedracer helmet on and has no choice but to make up for lost time in the car. Apparently, he's a drag racer in his spare time and feels confident when it comes to an all out brawl on the tarmac. Or maybe, he's seen that movie Cars one time too many. Either or.

Drive, drive, drive, bitch, bitch, bitch, Vyxsin sits in the backseat with a map of Austria splayed out across her lap while Donner defyingly ignores each and every one of her instructions. I don't know if he was being a mischievous little prankster or what, but Vyxsin would say "Go this way" and he'd literally do the opposite. She decides she'll never speak to Donner again for as long she lives and that's when I knew that Donner did what he did on purpose. He loves her and all, but that voice is incessant. It's like a jackhammer cutting into your soul. If pissing her off will make her go mute, then so be it. Very clever Donner.

OK, so the Globetrotters arrive at the clue box in Salzburg first and it's a chimney sweeping Road Block. One team member will dress in a chimney sweep uniform and climb to the roof. They'll then use a specialized weighted tool - a ball with a metal spider web thing hanging off of it - to clean out their chimney. Once finished, they'll head to the clean-out door and retrieve their next clue. Big Easy decides he'll do the challenge as there's nothing quite as cute as a large black man dressed up as Dick Van Dyke from Mary Poppins. He completes the Road Block with no problem at all and actually finishes before anyone else arrives. Looks like there's going to be two Globetrotters with brand new cars, huh? All they have to do now is drive to the Villa Trapp, the real life home of the Von Trapp family, *stabs self in eyeballs* and pick up their new Ford Focus keys.

Team Ass Burgers somehow arrives next and I must say I was pretty impressed with Justin's driving. Then I remembered that one time he tweeted about forgetting how to start his own car and I decided to chalk it all up to luck instead. They retrieve their next clue and Zev decides to do the challenge. With an encouraging, "Go get 'em tiger!" (drink) from Justin, he walks into the restaurant, points to a woman chimney sweep and declares, "I choose you." Hot. Women love an assertive guy who knows what he wants. Zev heads to the roof and was initially worried about making loops with his rope, but he figured it out quickly and even had time to slip in a "That's what she said" joke. Team Pee Pee and Team Banshee arrive at the clue next and we see Justin sitting there with a very worried look on his face. Or maybe it was a carb coma. Not sure. Anyhow, Kisha and Vyxsin decide to do the challenge just as Zev is collecting his final clue. The Ass Burgers head out into the street, ask a group of American (?) tourists where the Villa Trapp is and because they're stupid American tourists who most likely went to Salzburg to spin in the hills like Maria of course they know exactly where the house is located.

Zev & Justin get into their car and begin to head to the Villa Trapp while the Globetrotters are pulled over asking a cab driver for directions. Kisha and Vyxsin get their clues and take off while Team Cowpat is just now arriving. As Cord is a master lasso thrower person, he's completely comfortable working ropes and is able to complete the task remarkably fast. Out on the road Team Globetrotter makes a wrong turn while Justin, powered by the adorable hat his little sister knitted for him, steers the car flawlessly and can you believe it? Those two bitches win cars! They haven't picked them out yet, but I suggest black... the color of their back hair. Congratulations guys! Unbelievable. The Globetrotters arrive in second place and Phil might as well have killed their puppies. They're devastated they lost the cars. I maybe would have felt sad for them, but then I saw that Big Easy stole the chimney sweep top hat so I just laughed instead.

Team Banshee arrives third followed by Team Pee Pee in fourth. And because God is indeed vengeful, Team Cowpat arrives in fifth leaving Team Christ in last place. I was thrilled in that moment. I got my two bowls of glitter ready (for breast dunking), I began hanging streamers and stirring my gin when, out of nowhere, that douchebag Phil tells Team Christ that this is a nonelimination leg and they're still in the race. What?! Baking powder? Uh, no! No, no, no, no, nooooo. I don't want to listen to Mallory anymore. *weeps* This is so unfair! *throws a Donner tantrum*

Ugh. Well, I guess it's a good thing I hung streamers because do you know what today is? It's Kisha's birthday!!! Hooray! Happy Birthday Miss Kisha. I hope you don't spend the whole sitting in some hair salon as I know you're often wont to do. Have a little drinky poo and dance yourself silly girl.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Was Gary stealing Vyxsin's meds? Did it bother you that Flight Time peed on the side of a building? How pissed off are you that it was a nonelimination leg? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!