Monday, March 28, 2011

You Can Wet Yourself In The Cab


India - where the air is full of spices and the streets are a feast for the eyes. Dharma, karma, the congress of the cow. I could totally get down with India. You know, practice my yoga, slap a red dot on my forehead, dance a little bhangra and that'll be that. I'm always up for a little adventure. Hey, if that pretentious Elizabeth Gilbert can do it then so can I. Only, she holed herself up in an ashram and bitched about an ex-husband the whole time. I think I'd sample the local curries, buy a hot pink sari, pick up a copy of the Kama Sutra, drink some Peach Schnapps and get my nose pierced or some shit like that. (By the way if you don't get that last reference, I hate you.) So yeah, The Amazing Race whisked us off to India last night and let me tell you, it wasn't exactly Bride & Prejudice. It was more "Sally Struthers Feed The Children" than anything else and it made me kind of sad. If it weren't for a shiny pair of silver pajamas I might have changed the channel altogether, but I didn't so... let's recap, shall we?



We continue our adventure around the world where we last left off: Kunming, China. As Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord) was the first team to arrive, they are now the first to depart. They tear open the clue excited to see what country they'll travel to next. Will it be Iceland? Denmark? Maldives? Nope, you're staying in China suckers and it's tea time. Teams are instructed to travel to a tea shop and take part in a traditional tea tasting. What they don't know is that the papaya and mango infused tea they'll be drinking will appear again later in the competition. I love the idea of a crossover challenge. More of those please Bertram Van Muenster Cheese. So, one by one the teams tear open their clue and one by one they curse the good name of China. "We're still in China?!", "Not more China!", "Ma ma... nooooo!", "Lo mein sucks!" Look, you rude bitches, what did China ever do to you? They gave us the fortune cookie and pasta. All you've ever given us are battered dinosaurs and questionable taste in hats.


Team Christ (Gary & Mallory) is the first team to arrive at the tea shop where Mallory sings and dances her way into annoying my every last nerve. She's like totally excited that there's like tea because she like used to have like tea parties as a little girl. I am so sick of her hamming it up for the camera every chance she gets. It's like there's a constant cheerleading competition going on in her head. "Yayyyy tea! Goooo Tea! T-E-A TEA! Who's got tea? We've got tea! I've got tea, yes I do! I've got tea, how about you?!" Oh my god, someone make her stop before I high kick my tennis shoe into her face. Despite the fact that there's a papaya and mango cornucopia at the tea shop, Mallory tastes and sniffs the tea and shouts, "Mmmm Peach! Yummy yummy Peach! First and ten, do it again, Peach! Peach!" She gets the next clue and teams are instructed to fly to Kolkata, India and make their way to Town Hall where they'll find yet another clue. "Go, fight, win! India, India... Yayyyyy India!!!" I swear to god I wanna take a Spirit Stick and shove it up her nose. Yes, I went to cheer camp. No, you may not make fun of me. Moving on...


The rest of the teams head to the tea shop, but one team in particular stands apart from the pack. It's my beloved Team Ass Burgers (Zev & Justin) and I think you know why they've got a little sparkle this time around. No, Justin isn't shirtless again. It's the lovely Zev and he's donning a particularly fetching pair of silver silk pajamas. Justin thinks the pajamas are precisely the boost they need to get out of last place. Naturally, my next question is: where are your PJ's Justin? Way to be a team player, loser! Two dudes running through China all silky and fabulous was a missed opportunity I think. China is part of the Silk Road after all. So, while Justin was being a major buzzkill, Team Takei (Ron & Christina) were at the tea shop making chitchat with the propietor. "Xie Xie! Hao Xiang!" (Thank you! Smells yummy!), they exclaimed. The man tells them it's a papaya and mango infusion. Ron swirls the cup in his hand, sniffs and replies, "Mmmm yes, I can taste the papaya and those mango top notes are subtle yet confident." Christina shrieks, "Come on daddy!" and off they go. Zev & Justin chug their tea like shots of tequila and then try to sutff a dollar bill down the tea shop owner's kimono. When the elderly gentlemen pushes the dollar bill away Zev mutters, "Well, that was pointless" and out the door they frolic.


All teams make the 700 mile flight to Kolkata, India and they land, literally, into a sea of people. Now, I don't know why every Indian happened to be at the airport at that time of night, but I worried for Zev. You know how he hates lots and lots of people. Mallory, however, loved every minute of it and chanted, "We are *clap clap clap* iiiinnn... India!!! *toe-touch*" The rest of the teams raced to get cabs in order to head to the Town Hall. Zev declared that Kolkata was, in fact, "Kal-Krazy" and the local magistrate got very angry. 11 years ago they changed the name from Calcutta to Kolkata and now, because it's awesome, they have to change it again to Kal-Krazy. What are you gonna rename Mumbai, Zev? Moom-booby? Again, awesome.
Down the dark and windy road in the middle of night in Kolkata, the cabs speed to their destination. First, Team Cowpat was in the lead then Team Globetrotter (Flight Time & Big Easy) narrowly edged by them. Team What? (Margie & Luke) was flying down some train tracks in the opposite direction, Zev & Justin ran a red light and Team Takei almost ran smack into a truck. Look, I like a little violence in my reality shows, but having Team Pee Pee (Kisha & Jen) splattered all over the side of the road isn't exactly what I had in mind. I'm always reading about some bus in India overturning and killing tons of people. Now I know who's to blame - CBS.

Miraculously, the teams begin to arrive at the Town Hall safe and sound. The only problem is that the damn place doesn't even open until 10 am. Zev's cool with that. I mean, he's already in his PJ's and all. He'll just curl up to his hairy pillow (i.e. Justin) and wait until dawn, but before that it's time to play "Let's fuck with Gary and Mallory". You see, all the teams have arrived at the Town Hall except for Gary and Mallory. When their cab finally pulls up, Mallory is frantic to find the clue box, "Is it here?! I think it's over there!! Oh my god, where *clap clap* where could the clue box be? Where *clap clap* where is it, I shall see!" Well, the Globetrotters are about as annoyed with Mallory's cheerleading as I am so they shout that she needs to run up the street as fast as she can and add her name to a list that doesn't exist. With her arms flailing this way and that she shrieks and weaves in and out of back alleys. Meanwhile, back at the Town Hall the rest of the teams are grabbing their sides from laughing so hard. When it finally dawns on Mallory that she's the butt of a joke, she harumps with her hands on her hips, "Y'all, I hate y'all!" and then playfully slaps everyone on their backpacks and does a couple back handsprings. I've got to hand it to the girl, she's the only person in the world who'd remain chipper while a group of dirty pranksters pointed and laughed at her.



A new day dawns and at the stroke of 10, the gates to the Town Hall open. Teams race through the building and up the stairs to discover a Road Block: Who's ready to drink in the scenery? It turns out that Kolkata is the place where tea from China comes to live so in this leg of the race teams have to gather one papaya and one mango, deliver them to a tea auctioneer and among a menagerie of teas pick out the tea they tasted way back in China. When they correctly identify their tea, they will receive a bottle of iced tea from the tea auctioneer where their next clue will be hiding under the cap. Amongst the gentle strumming of the sitars and thumping beats of the doumbeks, Mallory, Zev, Kisha, Jet, Donner (Kent), Luke and Ron decide they're up to the tea tasting challenge. Mallory tentatively approaches the teas like they might attack her while Kisha is trying to remember if the tea back in China was light or dark. Ron wonders if he can get some cucumber sandwiches to go along with his tea, but instead decides to smell his way to victory. The fragrant aromatics of the papaya and mango waft up from a singular tea cup, Ron sips it and bam! It's the right tea. If Ron's nose is that good, he should totally work for some local police departments. He's like a cadaver dog! I know I feel safer knowing Ron is on the beat.



After receiving his iced tea, Ron wonders if the clue is somehow floating inside. He pops the top ready to quench his thirst when he discovers the clue under the lid. Teams must now make their way to the Tiwari Tea Stall where they'll find their next clue. Back in the tea room Kisha is still refusing to taste the tea. She's determined to match it based on sight alone. Now, I don't know if Kisha has an aversion to tea or was once hospitalized after drinking some Lipton, but what the hell is homegirl doing?! And then... it hit me. She's scared to tinkle. That's why she won't drink the tea! Last time she was on the race, that water guzzling sister of hers lost the million because of a pee break and Kisha will be damned if that happens again. It's best to keep her bladder empty for rest of the race I guess.


Justin, on the other hand, has a different strategy he'd like Zev to use. It's called Tea Pong. It's very much like Beer Pong only, you know, there's no beer or co-ed naked lacrosse t-shirts involved. He wants Zev to just start randomly chugging tea and hope that one comes up lucky. As much as I hate to admit this, I was kind of thinking the same thing only without the chugging part. Was it a requirement that they finish the tea in the cup because I swear Kisha was delivering full cups to the tea auctioneer guy? It was obvious he was checking the bottom of the cups for some sort of mark so why not just take the dude cup after cup until you get a match? Why even drink the tea at all? Ughhh... so many questions, so few answers, but at least I was thinking/trying to come up with some sort of strategy. Luke took one look at that table full of tea, curled up into the fetal position and cried for the next hour.


Jet was overwhelmed as well, but decided to try Ron's smelling technique since it worked so well for him. Wouldn't you know it? It worked for Jet too and he got the match. Mallory looked on in horror and I'm pretty sure she thought it was a tea drinking contest where she had to drink all the tea on the table. The good part of that, of course, is that it finally shut her up. Girlfriend was too busy drinking to be cheering and aren't we all thankful for that? As soon as Kisha saw Team Cowpat take off, she finally decided to start drinking the tea and when the robust fruity flavor hit her palette she knew she had a match. Yay Team Pee Pee! The kindly turbaned gentleman hands her a Snapple and Kisha & Jen look at it quizically wondering what the hell to do with it. Do they draw it? Do they ponder it? Do they shake it? How does this bottle of Snapple lead them to their next destination? Maybe the word Snapple is an anagram? Jen holds the bottle up to the light and studies the brown liquid carefully. She doesn't see any "clue atoms" bouncing around inside so she furrows her brow and wonders what to do next. It is here where Kisha suggests that perhaps they need to go to the Snapple Factory. I mean, Snapple's "made from the best stuff on earth" so maybe India has some of that stuff??? I think they have the best hashish, the best curry, the best naan... maybe they have the best iced tea too! It's worth a try. And off Team Pee Pee goes in search of the Snapple Factory.


Back in the tea room Luke has now crawled under the table and is crying softly to himself. Margie looks on and assures us he's ok. He's very good at puzzles, you know. He'll get this. At the same time Luke is blowing his nose, Zev turns in another teacup and is rejected yet again. From the sidelines, Justin is flummoxed as to why the magic tea drinking pajamas aren't working. I don't know Justin. Did you charge them up that morning? They're useless unless they're powered to full capacity. You know that! They plug into the exact same thing that you plug your full body Don Johnson razor into. Duh! So while Justin is pondering the mystery of the PJ's, Donner has actually made a match. He bows dramatically to the tea auctioneer, gathers up his gothic paramour and off they go to the tea stall. In the cab Vyxsin decides to nestle the Snapple in between her lovely tea pillows (AKA boobs). Then and there I decided that for the rest of the week I'm going to refer to my breasts as Tea Pillows. Actually I need some new bras so I'm hoping when I go to Victoria's Secret and ask the sales lady if she can please size my tea pillows accordingly, she'll know what I'm talking about. Fingers crossed she's a TAR fan or god knows what she'll be measuring.


At this point, Mallory has made a match and Luke is pissed! He slams cups down on the table and begins screaming for his binky. Zev attempts to turn in another cup and upon rejection does the coolest thing ever. He takes the cup from the tea auctioneer and then drops in on the ground into a million pieces. It was like a rock star dropping his mic after a stellar set. Bam! Done! Represent! Werd. I was impressed by Zev's badassness, but Justin was scared. He doesn't like it when Zev gets cranky and warns us that Zev will be "no fun" when this tea challenge is all said and done. I beg to differ. Zev will be a barrel of fun. I'm hoping he starts dropping all sorts of things before he leaves India... some jars of chutney, maybe some Mulligatawny soup, henna powder, statues of Krishna... the possibilities are endless. So while I'm sitting here thinking about all the cool sutff Zev can break, guess what happens? Zev gets a match baby! (drink) Justin leaps into Zev's arms, tells him "Give me some love. That was awesome baby!" (drink) and then he promises Zev he can wet himself in the cab if he wants. (drink again - that wasn't technically a "baby" but it was funny, so drink)


At this moment in time, one would think Team Takei is already kicking back at the hotel enjoying some Bollywood on the tube, but nope. In actuality, they're lost in downtown Kolkata. They've just now handed their cab driver his termination papers and they're on the lookout for a more suitable candidate for the job. Team Pee Pee, on the other hand, is half way to New York as that is where the Snapple Factory is. It turns out Team Banshee is the team to make it to the tea stall first. They get their next clue and encounter a Detour: Hindu Art or Bengali Literature. In Hindu Art, teams must make their way to a statuary shop where they have to paint and adorn a statue of the Hindu god Ganesha. In Bengali Literature, teams have to make their way to a bookstore where they'll be given 8 stacks of children's books. Once they have their books, they have to squeeze themselves and the books into the back of a tiny rickshaw and deliver them to a school.


Team Banshee decides to do Hindu Art while Team Christ, Team Ass Burgers, and Team Cowpat decide to do Bengali Literature. Eventually, Team Pee Pee makes it back from New York and Team Takei finds a upstanding young person to drive them to the tea stall. Both teams decide to do Hindu Art and instantly there's a problem. In addition to sloppy workplaces, not artfully prepared food and impertinent young people, Ron has an aversion to loud noises. You see, for some reason there's a very loud band playing at the statue painting place. Ron sticks his fingers in his ears and refuses to paint unless they shut the hell up. This could have been a huge catastrophe for Christina, but eventually Ron remembers he brought ear plugs with him and (sadly) another Ron meltdown is averted.



Back at the tea tasting, it's down to Flight Time and Luke. Flight Time refuses to give up while Luke lies in a puddle of his own tears wishing for grim death. On the sidelines, Big Easy is cheering on his homeboy while Margie cries wanting to nestle her giant manchild to her bosom. Big Easy briefly considers taking a penalty like they did the last time they raced, but then quickly poo-poo's that idea as he made an agreement with Flight Time before the race that they would never give up. The Globetrotters perseverance and positive attitude pays off as they finally get their tea matched. Luke then smashes a cup against the table, takes a shard of porcelain, holds it against his jugular and says, "Ma ma... hard... ma ma" Alright, can we please discuss how a twenty-something year old guy is crying like a little bitch because he doesn't want to drink anymore tea? Does Margie still wipe his ass too? He's a grown man! He's a strong, healthy guy. There is no reason on earth why he should be throwing the tantrum he's throwing. No one broke up with him, no one killed his puppy, his house didn't get washed away in a tsunami... why is this guy acting like a two year old?! And when Luke finally did make his match, I am betting a thousand dollars that it was still wrong and the tea auctioneer lied to him because he felt bad. I also think that when the Indian guys clapped, that was a Punjabi gesture meaning, "Get the fuck out. You're driving us crazy." Look it up. It's right there in Frommer's. "Visit the Taj Mahal at sunset and beware if people start clapping for you. It means they don't like you."


Back out on the Detour trail, Gary & Mallory are delivering their books to the school where they receive their clue to the Pit Stop. At Hindu Art, Team Banshee is doing swimmingly as the make-up Ganesha wears is exactly like the make-up they wear. And, in a stunning turn of events, Ron decides that the music isn't so bad after all. He says, "The rhythm is wonderful but I can't disco to it. I can't disco while I'm painting." Wait a tic... Ron "disco's"? *gasp* I want to party with him! Can you picture it? Ron in some tight polyester pants with his shirt unbuttoned down to his bellybutton while he shakes his moneymaker to the Bee Gee's. I wonder if I can rent him for my next birthday party. You're all invited!


Team Ass Burgers finally finds the book store and Zev wonders if they have a shopping bag for him to carry his wares with. Justin tells him they have to carry the books themselves and then he probably called him "baby" or something. (drink) They climb into a tiny rickshaw and I took that moment as an opportunity to pen a letter to the Sasquatch Society Of America. "Dear SSoA, I have found what you've searched years for. The specimen is in a yellow cage in India traveling at approximately 5 miles an hour down a road in Kolkata. I suggest you shoot him with a spear gun as he tends to get angry when provoked. I'd also like to be present for the dissection. Thank you. Colette Lala" It's in the name of research. Anything to help.


So, race race race, paint paint paint, the Globetrotters and Team What? decide to do the Hindu Art task while Gary & Mallory arrive at the Pit Stop in first place. Mallory shrieks to high heaven, hugs her daddy and is unusually stoked to discover that her prize is to taste the new "Amazing Race Inspired Snapple Iced Tea". Seriously? Iced tea inspired by The Amazing Race? Does it taste like sweat and desperation? Will it make you grow a hairy back? These are things I need to know. Someone else try it first cuz I'm too scared to. Anyhow, that's not all Gary & Mallory have won. They get some big Indian feast, Bollywood entertainment and one million rupees to share which is about $20K USD. That's pretty good. Much better than some hairy tea.


Back out on the road Team Takei, Team Cowpat, Team Pee Pee, Team Banshee and Team Ass Burgers are all stuck in traffic. Ron has a splitting headache and would like to retire to his quarters for a much needed nap. Meanwhile, Justin slips his cabby a twenty to go faster and I muttered to no one in particular, "Not everyone is a stripper you know." In the end, it was a very festive Pit Stop with three teams sharing the mat at once. Team Cowpat came in second, Team Takei in third and Team Ass Burgers in fourth. Team Banshee rolled up in fifth with Team Pee Pee in sixth.


After spilling paint all over their Ganesha and having about as much luck getting a cab as Danny Glover in NYC, Team Globetrotter finally strolls up to the mat in defeat. Phil could have very easily brightened the mood with the good news that they weren't in last place, but where's the fun in that? Instead Evil Phil emerged from his flossy cocoon. He shook off whatever good was in his soul, cricked his neck to the side, glared through beady red eyes and made the Globetrotters think they were in last place. Big Easy started to cry and I wondered where Evil Phil has been all my life. This is a Phil I could get to know and love. This Phil wears leather pants and steel-toed boots not ill-fitting jeans and chokers. Let's have Evil Phil every week now please.


So yeah, the annoying mother/son team of Margie & Luke has been eliminated from the race and can I just say "It's about freaking time!" I was sick of those two mooching off of everyone else and never figuring anything out for themselves. Luke needs his diaper changed too much and it's beyond annoying. So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you happy with the results? Are you renaming your breasts as Tea Pillow #1 and Tea Pillow #2? Does Evil Phil delight you as much as he does me? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! No new episode next week so I'll meet you back here in two weeks. In the meantime, check out my Bitchy Survivor Blog. Later bitches!