Monday, March 21, 2011

Putting A Bullet In A Playboy Bunny

China. Beautiful, ancient, noodle-y China. The land of chopsticks and fans is also a land of goodness and light. Back in the olden timey days the Chinese built a big ole wall to keep out their nomadic enemies. Today, the Chinese build dinosaurs to keep out harbingers of evil - devil temptresses with hair the color of blood. Veiny, rust colored, silicone-y brides from the underworld who chew up taxi drivers hearts like beef jerky and then floss with magically pristine strands of unicorn tails. They had to be stopped before it was time for them to feed again. Asia was running out of ponies and the kitten population had all but gone into hiding. The lack of new YouTube videos of kitties hiding in tiny boxes is staggering and threatens the website's longevity. So, thank you China. Thank you for ridding the world of these fun suckers. If you can now do something about Gwyneth Paltrow, I'd be eternally grateful. Let's recap, shall we?

In a swirl of pink and black and fishnet and eyeliner, Team Banshee (Donner & Vyxsin) are on a bus to Never Never Land sans fanny pack. Donner looks under the seat once, twice, three times hoping that each time he looks the fanny pack will magically appear. Meanwhile Vyxsin signs to the bus driver that they need to turn back now. Arms flailing wildly she MUST stop that bus! Donner wonders to himself if the fanny pack is back at the Gondola while I was wondering to myself when he had time to apply the silver eyeliner highlights to his inner eyes. Those weren't there last time I swear! Clearly the make-up bag is a tad more important the passport/money bag.

Back at some temple, Team Ass Burgers (Zev & Justin) is only just now strolling into the Pit Stop. Justin, all defeated and sad looking, stares at the ground kicking rocks when Members Only Phil tells them to stop pouting and keep racing. They are then instructed to catch a train back to Kunming and then head to the Dounan Flower Market where they'll find their next clue. Warning: There will be a DOUBLE U-Turn on this leg. Nice! U-Turns make me happy because it's a chance to piss people off and settle old scores. Like, let's say, that a pair of Satanic people-haters decided to wake up, adjust their scarlet wigs, and just like, you know, greet the day. Well, a U-Turn is the perfect chance to get revenge for such a heinous act.

So while the Ass Burgers trot off to catch up with the others, Donner and Vyxsin head back to the Gondola and find their fanny pack conveniently waiting for them in the lost & found. At this point Team What? (Margie & Luke) are the first team to arrive at the train station and happily (for me) they discover that the only train headed to Kunming departs in seven hours. Haha! Suck it, you codependent whiners. Buh bye lead. This, of course, gives Team Banshee plenty of time to complete their candy pounding Detour and catch the same train as everyone else. While the good news is they're still in the race, the bad news is they'll have to incur a thirty minute penalty for taking the wrong flight out of Tokyo. As soon as they discover that a double U-turn is ahead, they decide to keep this little nugget to themselves so as not to give the other teams any ideas. Personally, I think that was a great decision on their part. It's not often real balls out strategy comes into play in The Amazing Race so when it finally does happen, I'm all for it. I also think hair pulling and tripping each other should be allowed too, but that's just me.

The teams begin to trickle into the train station where Jet, of all people, sees a "basketball goal" and suggests a friendly game of b-ball with the Globetrotters (Flight Time & Big Easy). He remembered that Flight Time carries a basketball with him everywhere he goes. To this I say, "But how do you fit all your panties and toiletries in your backpack with a big ole basketball in there?" Nevermind. It's game time! The teams are Jet, Flight Time and Kisha versus Cord, Jen and Big Easy. Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord) donned Harlem Globetrotter headbands and jerseys, Team Globetrotter wore cowboy hats and Team Viper (Jaime & Cara) bit the heads off of two fluffy puppies and used them as pom-poms. The jaunty Globetrotter theme song played and I suddenly grew sad knowing that Zev & Justin were missing all the fun. You see, following Justin on Twitter for a couple years now, I've learned a few things. Number one, he likes hair metal and number two, he's psychotically into anything sports related. I'm pretty sure he has sheets with baseballs and catchers mitts on them. Knowing he was missing his chance to play a little ball with the legendary Harlem Globetrotters brought a tear to my eye, but then I saw Big Easy roll the basketball over his face and shoulders and I forgot all about Justin and his missed opportunity. And when B.E. flung the ball into the hoop from the back of his head I, too, bit the head off of a puppy and cheered. I mean, who wouldn't? That was so cool!

The basketball game eventually ends and all the teams are inside the train station playing cards when in walk Donner & Vyxsin. Big Easy shouts, "Oh my gravy, here comes Kent & Vyxsin!" and then Cara's face fell into puddle of acid that bubbled and spewed all over the innocent card game. The other teams began to question Team Banshee wondering where the hell they've been this entire time. Hall monitor Justin and Mallory want to know what sort of penalty they've incurred. After all, "Rules are rules." Donner looks aimlessly around the station while Vyxsin hides behind her pink hair and mutters, "We still don't know what they're gonna do." The once merry fun-loving headless puppy cheering atmosphere dissipates and in an instant the mood turns to anger and resentment. Jet's pissed off, Kisha's frustrated, Luke suspects something is amiss and Cara's fangs start to slowly descend. I instantly feared for the passengers on that train as I knew several wouldn't make it to their destination. It's a good thing Zev & Justin were up on the tippy top in the third bunk. Less chance for murder that way. I mean, I have yet to see an Investigation Discovery show about third floor bunk bed murders so I'm pretty sure one hasn't happened yet.

Early the next morning the teams arrive in Kunming and it's a race to the Flower Market. Team Takei (Ron & Christina) whip out their vast knowledge of the Chinese language and instruct their cab driver to "Thank you, thank you! Grandfather! 1-2-3! Super!" As I noted last week, Ron and Christina's Chinese is limited to what they've learned on the Nick Jr. show Ni Hao Kai-lan and being the thoroughly prepared little blogger that I am, I took it upon myself to watch some Ni Hao Kai-lan episodes this past week in anticipation of this second Chinese leg. I don't want to brag or anything, but I'm pretty fluent now. Check this out, "Xie xie! Yeye! Yi-Er-San! Tai Hao Le!" Team Ass Burgers, on the other hand, thinks Team Takei is like, for real, fluent in Chinese so they decide that for the rest of their time in China they'll follow Ron and Christina all the way to the promised land. I, however, think the only place they'll end up is playing princess games with a stuffed tiger. That could be fun too though, right?

OK so the teams arrive at the Flower Market and the yellow and red clue box is nestled inconspiculously in between some chrysanthemums and some peonies. Team Pee Pee's (Kisha & Jen) keen eye finds the box first and they're now instructed to make their way to the Golden Arches. When Team Takei finds the clue box, Christina decides to show off and read the clue out loud in Chinese. She said, "Xie Xie! Bao Bao. Ji Zhang!" which translates to "Thank you, thank you! Hug hug. High five!" Team Ass Burgers hears her reading aloud in Chinese and off the new alliance of Takei Burgers goes into the break of dawn.

The others teams get their clues, but it appears as if Team Cowpat forgot to tell their cab driver to wait for them. No problem. They'll just steal the Globetrotters cab instead. For a team that was so pissed off someone butted in line in front of them two seasons ago, I was at once shocked and delighted by this uncharacteristically evil move by Jet & Cord. Then I remembered they've been hanging out with the Devil Twins for a few days now and it all made sense.

At this point Takei Burgers has arrived at the Golden Arches and they encounter a Detour: Honor The Past or Embrace The Future. In Honor The Past, teams must watch a traditional Tibetan performance and then place a set of 15 dolls representing the characters in the show in the order they appeared onstage. In Embrace The Future, teams must offload a complete solar water heating system, carry it to the roof of a building and then properly install it. Takei Burgers wisely decide to Honor The Past while Team What? decides to install the tubes. I questioned their sanity, but then I remembered how whiny and awful Luke is at remembering things so, yeah, they made the right choice I guess. Elsewhere Team Cowpat and Team Christ (Gary & Mallory) had pulled up to a McDonald's which was perfect and awesome considering the clue clearly outlined that the Golden Arches was at a memorial park of some kind.

At Honor The Past, it takes Takei Burgers a couple tries to get their dolls right, but to be fair those dolls looked nothing like the bitches dancing on the stage. It looked like the actors mismatched their clothes and hats for the express purpose of messing with the teams. Those crazy Chinese! Team Pee Pee, on the other hand, decided silence was their best defense and by not talking (at Jen's insistence) they nailed the dolls on the first try. Over at Embrace The Future, Margie, who's fit but has got to be in her 50's, forgot to take her Boniva or something and was literally crumbling under the massive solar poles.

After playing with the dolls, teams get their next clue and are instructed to head to some Cultural Center, but they are also given a warning that the Double U-turn looms ahead. Christina, having seen the episode where Kai-lan took a field trip to a community center, assures Team Ass Burgers that she knows exactly where the Cultural Center is. Really? That's like me going to England and saying, "Oh yeah sure, I know exactly where the Pip Pip Cheerio Mall is." Give me a fucking break. Just because the girl can speak the language doesn't mean she's got a map embedded in her brain. Anyhow, Christina tells her cab driver, "Gen Wo Lai. Zhen Beng. Ji Zhang. Xie Xie!" (translation: Follow me. Great job. High five. Thank you, thank you!) and off they go... to the WRONG Cultural Center.

Meanwhile Donner is being a little bitch at the Embrace The Future Detour forcing Vyxsin to literally shove him up the stairs. You see, Donner is plum tuckered out and those boxes are heavy you know. Never mind the fact that this is a race for a million dollars and they've just gotten over performing quite possibly the worst leg in Amazing Race history. And let's not forget that there are TWO U-Turns as well as a thirty minute penalty in their very near future. I don't know what Donner was thinking during that challenge, but he certainly didn't have his game face on. Actually, it's rare that Team Banshee ever both have their game faces on at precisely the same moment. Either Vyxsin is having a premenstrual meltdown and Donner is keeping it together or Donner is lazy and unfocused while Vyxsin is whipping his ass into gear. Timing and synergy are not this team's forte. So while Donner stood there complaining that his poles were too heavy, Team Globetrotter carried their parcels like they were full of feathers and Team Viper moved with the power of the burning embers in their souls.

So now Takei Burgers, along with Team Pee Pee, has arrived at some random Cultural Center. Justin's so confident they're in first place that he cautions the others not to play dirty. Translation: Please don't U-Turn me if you get to the box first! No need to worry Justin. You're at the WRONG Cultural Center ya freak! Christina realizes her mistake and mutters, "Ai-ya" which is remarkable because that one actually translates to "Oh no!" I think Kai-lan's baby panda friend got a splinter in his paw in that episode. Anyhow, at this point Kisha is horrified as she wonders to herself, "Why in the sam hell am I following these morons?!" I mean, I think that's what she was thinking. I saw her face. She was pissed. Justin and Zev, however, didn't have much to say as their "Follow the Asians!" tactic was slowly starting to crumble before their very eyes.

By this time it turns out that Margie and Luke were the first team to the U-Turn box. Having been U-Turned in the past, they decide not to use it. Wha... wha... what?!? Really? Come on! How do you pass up a U-Turn? I just don't understand this logic. I'd U-Turn some bitches I didn't like and then I'd dance a little jig just cuz I could. That's how you play with style! So instead of U-Turning, they read their clue and are instructed to travel outside of Kunming and head to the Stone Forest. The next set of pussies to arrive at the U-Turn box is Team Cowpat. They, too, decide not to use the precious gift they've been given and instead leave on a cloud attached to a rainbow as they head to the next challenge. *smacks self in head* Idiots!

Finally, we arrive at some drama. Team Cowpat, as they're leaving the U-Turn, tells Team Banshee where the clue box is. Team Banshee arrives literally milliseconds ahead of Team Viper and slaps their sticker on the box declaring, "We got here first!" Now they just have to decide who to U-Turn. Jaime and Cara leaned into their ears and whispered, "Do the Globetrotters! Do the Globetrotters!" and from that simple request I've concluded that Team Viper hates black people. I mean, they hate Asians, Australians, cab drivers, woodland creatures and probably even Canadians so why not assume they hate black people too? Their blood runs thick with hate and you cannot convince me otherwise. Oh, so then Vyxsin starts telling Donner to do the Globetrotters too and I'm like "Shut up bitch!" Thankfully, Donner heard me and in the most beautiful moment in all of Amazing Race history he whips out the photo of Team Viper, smacks it on the board and mumbles, "That's the only way we're gonna survive it." I whipped off my top, poured some gin all over my head and dipped my toes into bowls of glitter in that instant. It was pure heaven I tell you. Team Viper was pissed and I think I saw a tail eek out of Jaime's pants, but I can't be sure. In the end, to get their revenge, they ended up U-Turning the Globetrotters anyways. Who U-Turns guys who can bounce balls of their appendages and make a basket every time?! Devil worshippers, that's who.

At this point the other teams begin to arrive at the U-Turn box and they're thrilled that they escaped the curse. Team Pee Pee finds a cab driver that understand the meaning of "Stone Forest" while Team Ass Burgers, for god knows what reason, decides yet again to "Follow the Asians." Did the Cultural Center fiasco teach them nothing?! They could be headed to Kai-lan's grandfather's house for all they know. He's a nice man and all that, but I seriously doubt he has a Stone Forest in his backyard. Just as I expected, Christina gets into her cab and says, "Hao xiang! Xin nian kuai le!" (translation: Smells yummy! Happy New Year!") So while Team Takei is probably off to a dumpling shop, Team Viper heads to the Honor The Past Detour and proceeds to offend every nationality on the planet while they memorize their dolls as "Ugly Asian. Stupid Russian. Dumbass Indian. Slutface Mexican." Unfortunately their future hate crime lingo works as they pass the challenge on the first try. In contrast, the Globetrotters memorized their dolls in a much nicer fashion - "White one. Bucket head. Red Bell. Moppy." They also pass on the first try and head to the Stone Forest.

Now, remember how Kisha was pissed that Takei Burgers got her lost at the Cultural Center? Well, girlfriend is about to get some revenge on those chuckleheads as she instructs her cabby to weave in and out of traffic and lose the teams in the cabs behind them. Team Ass Burgers didn't know what hit them. Team Pee Pee sped off into the distance, Team Takei was off somewhere planning a New Year's party and the poor Ass Burgers were stuck all alone without a map or an Asian who spoke Kai-lan. Zev was visibly annoyed as you could tell he wasn't entirely onboard with Justin's genius "Follow the Asians" plan in the first place. Personally, I was conflicted about my boys being in trouble. On the one hand, they're such dumbasses! On the other hand, Justin retweets my blog link so, yeah, I wished them well and then decided to check in on how Beelzebub's Bimbo's were doing. Turns out they weren't doing so well. Hooray! Their cab driver had the audacity to stop for some gas so Jaime threw a hissy fit while Cara drew devil's horns on the guy's head.

By this time Team Pee Pee has blown everyone else away as they're already at the Stone Forest. Apparently, the oldest fossils in the world were found in this here forest so the challenge is to put together a 20 ft. replica of a Dilophosaurus. The catch is that the replica has to be deemed "safe" by a cantankerous paleontologist - meaning that all the pieces have to be correct and properly secured. You know what? I've never even heard of a Dilophaurus! I know T-Rex and Brontosaurus and whatever else was in Jurassic Park, but Dilophaurus just sounds made up to me. I googled it and it looks a little like an angry skinless rooster with a mohawk. So anyhow teams have to put together this mythical creature and since Kisha is on a roll this week, she accepts the challenge. Not far behind her are Team What? and Team Takei. Hey, where did they come from?! Is the Stone Forest really in Yeye's backyard???

Team Banshee arrives and Jen wastes no time asking Vyxsin why she used the U-Turn. Again, I ask, why wouldn't you use the U-Turn?!? Silly rabbits. Since Donner was busy working on his unicorn, Vyxsin decides to fess up with the truth about the 30 minute penalty and for some reason this really angers Ron who compares Team Banshee to Kabuki dancers hiding behind their masks. Now, call me crazy, but what Team Banshee did was smart... and strategic! This is a game - a reality show competition. This constant need to be nice to one another is, quite frankly, really annoying. And puh-lease, if Ron was in Team Banshee's shoes he'd keep that shit secret like you wouldn't believe. You can't honestly tell me that knowing TWO U-turns are around the corner, Ron and Christina would announce their penalty to everyone. No way! He's just mad Team Banshee fooled him.

At this point, Team Ass Burgers is probably somewhere in Thailand while Team Globetrotter and Team Viper are racing on the highway to the Stone Forest. It's here that I noticed Jaime's hat. Did you see it? It had skulls and crossbones all over it. I made the sign of the cross, grabbed a crucifix and hoped for the best. So, while Team Ass Burgers was somewhere in Nepal, Justin decides he needs to stop his cab and figure out a way to get back on course. He looks up and down the street - cars whizzing past, stores opening for business, people headed to work and then he sees it! A pile of stones sits on the ground and he grabs one. He holds the stone up with one hand and pats a tree with the other. "Stone. Forest. Yes?", he says to his cab driver and, miracle upon miracles, it works! The dude understands what he's saying! Amazing! See Justin, you don't need to know cartoon Chinese to make your way in this race. You can do it with brain power.

Back at the Stone Forest, things aren't going as well as they did for Justin on the road in Nepal. Kisha's dino gets rejected as unsafe and Christina can't figure out how to get the hips to attach correctly. Margie's hanging upside down from placing a rib incorrectly, Donner is trying to assemble the horn of a unicorn and Jet begins to freak out as he sees the Globetrotters and Redheads pull up. Kisha's eyes bugged out her head and half her hair come undone. It was kind of cute though so it was ok. Team Ass Burgers finally arrives with Team Christ right behind them. Justin runs to get to work while Mallory takes one look at those dinosaurs and says, "Nuh uh. We're using our Express Pass." They're then instructed to make their way back to Kunming and head to Green Lake Park which is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race.

And this begins the comedy interlude portion of the episode. In the olden timey days people would go to the movies and they'd be treated to a cartoon short or maybe a Three Stooges routine or something in between the picture shows. It gave the audience a chance to unwind, get themselves a snack, take a tinkle and get ready for the next movie. Last night on the Amazing Race we were treated to an updated version of this idea. It's was called "The Grunter" and I've never laughed so hard in my life. Justin, bless his hairy little heart, was having some problems with his dinosaur and when the raw power of his bulging biceps *snickers* didn't work he resorted to getting all Monica Seles on us and decided to grunt his way into piecing the puzzle together. "UGHHHH!!!", he shouted. "GRRRR!!!!", he kicked. "ROWR!!!!!", he roared. But when he picked up his ladder and began hitting his dinosaur in the head with it as sweat trickled down his face was when the true magic happened. Who knew he was so violent?! Did you? *looks around the room* Me either. Remind me to ask his dad if he ever found squirrel skeletons and decapitated chipmunks under his bed when he was a child.

So, while Gary and Mallory think they're cruising into first place *cue the sweepingly majestic cowboy music*, Team Cowpat finishes their dinosaur and sails right past Team Christ where they win $5000 cash apiece at the Pit Stop. Team Christ comes in second with Margie & Luke in third. Team Banshee arrives in fourth but have to sit out their penalty so Team Pee Pee claims the #4 spot with Team Banshee falling into fifth. The Globetrotters come in sixth with Team Takei in seventh. And after a tense wrestling match with their inanimate objects, Justin beats Jaime and takes last place. You know what this means, right? TEAM VIPER IS HISTORY!!! Run free kitties. Come out of your hiding places puppies. Canter on ponies. Be free creatures of the world, be free!

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Team Pee Pee is kicking all kinds of ass, right? How will Christina survive in India next week? I don't think Nickelodeon has a Punjabi show yet. Can Ass Burgers get their act together in time to make a comeback? Will Team Banshee drive to Sri Lanka? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! If you like Survivor, please be sure to check out my Bitchy Survivor Blog.