Monday, March 7, 2011

Really Skinny Sumo Wrestlers


Whoosh! Splooge! Kerplunk! Here we are at another installment of The Amazing Race. I'm doing this entirely without notes today so expect a lot of inconsistencies and just all around fiction. Ready? Good. Here we go. Let's recap, shall we?



We last left our teams in the Australian Outback dressed as kangaroos. Today we find them scrambling to get back to Sydney in order to catch a flight to Tokyo. Everything I know about Tokyo I learned from Lost In Translation and America's Next Top Model so naturally I'm expecting BB guns, whiskey and Harajuku shopping challenges. Team Ass Burgers (Zev & Justin) is in first place and the big question is which flight to catch. Do they catch the nonstop flight that arrives at 6:15 am or do they stop off in Hong Kong for shits, giggles and a connecting flight in order to land 15 minutes earlier at 6:00 am. Now, call me crazy as I've never done this silly race before, but 15 minutes in an International airport is inconsequential, right? Getting off the plane itself could take 15 minutes. Navigating through customs could take 15 minutes. Getting stopped by the man who assumes you're smuggling a brick of hash in your sphincter simply because you have a backpack on your back could take 15 minutes. I don't know. Flying to a whole other country in a post 9/11 world to save 15 minutes seems a little ridiculous to me. There are just way too many things that can go wrong.

It turns out that by the time Team Ass Burgers and Team Globetrotter (Flight Time & Big Easy) have made a decision about which plane to book, the earlier flight is almost full and there are only two seats left. If you'll remember back in Sydney, Justin did the Globetrotters a solid so as payback the Globetrotters decide to let Ass Burgers take the last two seats. Suckers! The Globetrotters didn't want those stinky seats anyways. Not only did the Zev & Justin's flight have engine trouble and end up landing almost an hour late, but now they're plum out of favors.

Fly, fly, fly, sputter, sputter, sputter Tokyo! Team Ass Burgers, Team Banshee (Kent & Vyxsin) Team What? (Margie & Luke), Team Eminem (Mel & Mike) and Team Viper (Jaime & Cara) decided to take the earlier flight with the Hong Kong connection while Team Pee Pee (Kisha & Jen), Team Christ (Gary & Mallory), Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord), Team Takai (Ron & Christina) and Team Globetrotter opted for the safer more reliable nonstop flight. Just as I predicted the earlier flight had a major delay. They said on the loudspeaker that it had something to do with engine trouble, but I think you and I both know it was because Jaime and Cara needed to be fed. Hauling a goat carcass onboard to the pipes of Pan is more time consuming than you think. The girls need time to feed, the aisles have to be hosed down, the bones have to be chucked overboard... it's a big dramatic to-do and teams would be wise to just avoid flying with Team Viper in the future. Beside, the smell of burnt goat hair and cumin is a bitch to get out of clothes.

So, the second flight lands first and now the teams have to drive themselves to some Dojo where they'll find their next clue. After getting their automobiles out of a totally cool car ferris wheel, the teams attempt to navigate the hustle and bustle of downtown Tokyo. Ron muttered a bunch of 6 syllable words while Christina simply sighed in the backseat. Meanwhile, the other flight has landed and they decide they'll all follow each other to the Dojo. The only problem is it's taking forever for each team to get their cars out of the ferris wheel. So while Team Eminem could be driving to the challenge, they're sitting on the side of the road waiting for Jaime and Cara to load their pentagrams and ceremonial robes into the trunk of their tiny hatchback.

Somehow Team Takai manages to get to the Dojo first where they encounter a Road Block. Teams have to dress as Samurai, do some squatting ritual thing and then shoot a bow and arrow from atop a wooden horse. Ron attempts it first, fails and then blames it on his daughter's eyesight. As she's standing outside the entire time, I think that's highly unlikely. Maybe it's Ron's "lackadaisical ineptitude" and complete bitchassness that's making him perform like a jack ass. I don't know. It's just a guess.



Back in downtown Tokyo all the cars from the second flight are stopped while Team Eminem and Team Banshee consult their maps and try to figure out where to go. Margie & Luke are ok with that as they sit patiently and wait for someone, anyone, to carry them through another leg of the race. I mean, let's face it, that's how these two roll. They never solve a puzzle and they never read a map. They just wait for a member of one of their many alliances to do the work for them and then give them the answers. I'd be disgusted by their behavior, but the camera then pans over to Jaime & Cara feasting on the box of newborn kittens they had stashed underneath their seats and suddenly whatever Margie & Luke aren't doing seems kind of ok. Zev & Justin, on the other hand, decide to do their own thing and keep driving. Map schmaps. They'll just drive and eventually they'll run into wherever they need to be. No biggie.


The caravan turns out to be an exercise in futilty - which is apt to happen when you have 8 people who have no idea which way to drive - and the teams decide to drive ahead without realizing that Jaime & Cara had snuck into a coffee shop to floss the membranes out of their teeth. By the time the girls/demons return to their car, the other teams are long gone and Jaime is pissed! *thunder claps* She slams on the gas, runs over a few school children and then drives off with some guy's side mirror in her hand. Realizing she's surrounded by TAR cameramen, she reluctantly stops and begins an endless display of annoying scoffs. *scoff* "This is so not a big deal!" *scoff* "You can totally drive without your mirror sir" *scoff* "I didn't kill those children. They were already dead!" *scoff* "Thanks to this stupid country we're now in last place!" Scoffalicious.



Back at the Road Block, Jen cruises to victory with Justin not far behind her. Teams now have to drive themselves to a railway station and find their next clue and Detour. Teams must choose between Prayer of Purity or Frog of Luck. In Prayer of Purity, teams will take part in a Shinto religious cleansing ritual. Donning a traditional wardrobe, they will learn a prayer that is both physical and vocal. Then, they must stand under a freezing waterfall for one entire minute. Having had my hot water turned off because of a gas leak not too long ago, there's no way in hell I'd stand under that waterfall. That's like Titanic cold. No thank you! In Frog of Luck, teams strip down to a diaper bikini, jump into a vat a mud and search for a frog while people hurl mud pies at them. As Justin likes to get naked on tv as much as possible, Team Ass Burgers chooses Frog of Luck. Again, CBS.com - why is there no photo of this? I don't think you understand the money I can make with my Yeti Justin Collection of mugs and keychains.



Ok so Team Takai has somehow finished the Road Block and they choose to do the Prayer of Purity challenge. I think Christina was looking at it as a legitimate way to cleanse the assholedness from her dad rather than as a challenge to be completed, but that's just my opinion. Team Globetrotters has chosen to do the Prayer of Purity as well and this brings us to the big scandal of the episode. The teams do their Prayer challenge and everything is going swimmingly until the Globetrotters accidentally pick up Christina's fanny pack and leave it in the changing house instead of returning it back to where they picked it up from. Now, I see no problem with this. It's not cheating, it was clearly an accident and, at the heart of it, I don't think it was done out of malice at all. Well, apparently I'm the only one who feels this way as some people on Twitter became very angry and cursed the Globetrotters for being meanies. I don't know about you, but I think more "meanies" is precisely what this show needs. I'd much rather see scheming and backstabbing than a bunch of people "getting along". Besides, Ron is fucking annoying and the sooner he goes home, the happier I'll be.

Back at the mud pits, Team Ass Burgers has found their frog and in the interest of saving time (rrrrrright), Justin decides that putting on pants is a risk he's unwilling to take. I have a feeling Justin was one of those kids who always took his diaper off in public and ran through the mall wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and a Star Wars t-shirt. His poor poor mother. Well, it turns out that Naked Time is Happy Time as Team Ass Burgers once again nabs the number one spot and, this time, a trip to Costa Rica where undoubtedly pants will be optional. Gary & Mallory come in second followed by the Globetrotters and Team Takai in third and fourth. Christina, believe it or not, tattles on the Globetrotters and fanny pack scandal forcing Phil to give them a 30 minute penalty. Really? Like, really? That's so gross. If there's one thing I hate it's tattle tales and big mouths. Seriously, to the leper colony with all of you!


In the end we must bid adieu to Team Eminem and, quite frankly, I'm ok with that. Look, I liked School of Rock as much as the next person, but Mel & Mike were kind of boring this time around. You know, with Mel almost dying all the time and whatnot. Yeah, I didn't enjoy watching that. Best of luck guys. Keep writing Mike and that's that. Sorry so short today, but I've gotta motor. What did you think of last night's episode? Can Team Ass Burgers keep their lead? Do you think the Globetrotters deserved to be penalized? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!