Monday, February 28, 2011

There's Not A Lot Of Steakhouses


The kangaroo. Australia's national symbol and the mascot to boxers and hat wearing rappers everywhere. Cute, strange, jaunty, the kangaroo is not only delightful to watch, but it's extremely resourceful as well. Built-in bjorns just make sense. Some might use them to carry their children in. I, however, think a personal brandy warmer is far more practical. It's a little disturbing that the Aborigines actually eat these unique and charming creatures. Worse still, one tribe in particular will stuff a kangaroo scrotum and use it to play football with. Might I suggest they just use James Franco's scrotum instead? After last night it's not like he needs it anymore. Let's recap, shall we?





When we last left off, Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord) was struggling to decode some flags and wouldn't you know it? They're still stumped - "Son of a butt!". Meanwhile the other teams are leaving Shelly Beach for Sydney where they hope to get "to sail to stop". Obscure, seemingly nonsenical and not the least bit iconic, our brave and weary travelers are stymied. Once they find "to sail to stop" (an anchor located beside City Hall), teams must get on one of two flights departing 30 minutes apart and head to the small mining town of Broken Hill. Not wanting to waste a second, you know, thinking, Team Christ (Gary & Mallory) and Team Widow's Peak (Amanda & Kris) leap right into taxis and head to Sydney. The other smarter teams figure that since they took a ferry to Shelly Beach, why not take a ferry back? Why not, indeed. It's here that Justin tells us how he thinks the other teams underestimate Team Ass Burgers because Zev has Asperger's. Uh, no Justin, the other teams underestimate you because you look like a Yeti without your clothes on. Yeti's are notorious scaredy cats known to flee in fear leaving behind only a trail of mysterious footprints and feces. I, too, would underestimate any man who poops outside and has to brush his coat on a regular basis, but that's just me.

Eventually, Team Cowpat delivers their clue to the Commodores and they're back in the game! Team Pee Pee (Kisha & Jen) has somehow ended up at a maritime museum and makes the wise decision to use the Information Desk's computer to start googling what the hell "to sail to stop" means. Team Ass Burgers shows up where Zev immediately crinkles his nose at the thought of "googling". He thinks it's dirty. Well, when your best friend uses it day and night to search for free porn, you might think it's dirty too. I don't blame you Zev. So, Team PeePeeBurgers (now, that's dirty!) figures out that "to sail to stop" refers to some anchor at the Town Hall within walking distance and off they go. They're cute together. I like this little alliance. I like AssTrotters too. I think I like anyone who just naturally towers over Zev & Justin.



Alright so while the other teams are racing their little hearts out, Team Eminem (Mel & Mike) has their fingers crossed that "to sail to stop" really means "Let's check into Shady Pines and play Go Fish for the rest of the race." Mel isn't doing so hot as he's clutching onto street lamps wondering why his feet don't work anymore. Now, I don't know a lot about the medical field - I know that Vicodin makes delicious smoothies and given the right amount of Bitters, Klonopin, in gin, will fizz up just like a bath salt, but other than that I can only surmise that appendage failure while taking a walk is ummm... not good. It got even scarier when Eminem finally boarded the ferry only to have Mel keep fainting on the boat. Mike, sitting across from his drooling father, starts crying as Mel hunches over even further. *laughs to self* Oh I know I shouldn't be laughing, but I'm watching this again right now and everyone is just standing around as Mel keeps toppling over. It's so wrong! Poor guy. Someone needs to hold him up, give him some water and let the frail man who resembles Leviticus lay down. Finally Mike says, "I don't want to kill you." Well I should hope not!

Much to Margie's chagrin, Mel miraculously comes back to life so off she goes in a huff to find some locals to bug. You know when you're in a store waiting in a customer service line minding your own business and there's a lady behind you running her mouth yapping about how she has errands to run and can't these people move any faster? That's Margie. She's that lady. I'll bet she still writes checks at grocery stores and demands they double her expired coupons. Anyhow, Margie finds some girls with a computer so she hops on it to google "to sail to stop" and discovers that it's at the town hall. In the meantime, both Team Ass Burgers and Team Pee Pee have already found the anchor and are the first two teams on the first flight out of Sydney. The others teams on the first flight are Team Viper (Jaime & Cara), Team What? (Margie & Luke), Team Eminem and Team Banshee (Kent & Vyxsin). The second flight is Team Globetrotter (Flight Time & Big Easy), Team Christ, Team Widow's Peak and Team Takei (Ron & Christina).



Whoosh! Sputter! Kerplunk! Teams arrive in Broken Hill and are instructed to drive themselves to the Living Desert. It turns out the Living Desert is actually a pretty cool place with beautiful rustic rock sculptures in a seemingly vast wasteland, but no we are not to play with those. Instead, let's go party with the Aborigines. Team Ass Burgers arrives at the Detour first and must choose between Spirit World or Natural World. In Spirit World, teams have to use traditional materials to create a ground mosaic. Once completed teams have to dance on top of it and awaken the spirit world. In Natural World, teams must create a series of territory markers by spitting some freaky clay paint all over their hands like stencils. As Zev is a master artist, Team Ass Burgers chooses Spirit World. As a matter of fact, all of the teams choose Spirit World. Weirder still, the men begin to disrobe. Now, I'm not sure if that was a requirement, but I thank whatever deity responsible as it gives me more opportunities to marvel at the beast growing out of Justin's back. Why CBS.com doesn't have a still photo of this 8th wonder of the world I'll never know. Petra, Great Wall of China, Christ The Redeemer, Justin Kanew's back, Machu Picchu...



Team Pee Pee finishes their mosaic first, but a very angry Aboriginal lady who looked like she'd rather be blowing bubbles out of didgeridoo gruffly barks, "No!" so Kisha and Jen go back to try to figure out where they screwed up. Team Banshee finishes next and since they already look a little bit like the spirits they're about to summon, the mean lady approves their mosaic. Inexplicably, Kent then runs off to go gather a gaggle of innocent frightened children. Imagine you're an Aboriginal child living in the Outback when a slight-framed man who looks like buffed marble and a woman with flaming pink hair and a spike in her tongue snatches you up and forces you to dance. All the while the strange pale foreigners are mumbling, "Come children... come children... dance!" How I wanted that scene to have a bonfire! A wolf howling in the corner would have been a bonus too. I didn't get my wolf, but I did get a gorilla. Oh wait, that's just Justin walking into frame. Nevermind.


So while Team Banshee is demanding their children dance harder, Team Ass Burgers finishes first and speeds off to find the home of the magpies which is located at the Central Football Club. Eventually, Team Banshee figures out that the children they've been torturing were never needed in the first place and they too head off to find the magpies. Team Pee Pee, Team Eminem and Team What? also hit the road. Meanwhile, Ron is totally being a little bitch to Christina and emptying the CVS store he robbed and stuffed into his jacket out on the sand thus allowing Team Widow's Peak to get going on their second punishment Detour as well as allowing Team Viper to finish successfully and head to the magpies. Fingers crossed an angry coven of magpies mistake those burgundy colored heads for the blood of succulant roadkill. There's a reason why those cartoon birds, Heckle and Jeckle were magpies you know. Those birds are troublemakers and will stop at nothing to destroy both your crops and your pets. However, if, let's say, they were to poke out the eyeballs of the Redheads I'd reconsider my hatred of the annoying birds and erect statues in their honor instead.



Over at the Central Football Stadium, Team Ass Burgers discovers that they have to dress up as kangaroos and using nothing but a periodic table, find their next clue. I was very jealous of this challenge because not only would I look totally cute with with a tail and floppy ears, but the shoes they had to wear were awesome! I used to want those shoes so bad. Then I came to my senses as I realized there's no way in hell I'd go out in public with those things on. Alright, so anyhow teams have to hop through the mining town and figure out that the streets are named after elements. The two elements highlighted on their periodic tables are the only two streets that intersect: Mercury & Bismuth. The only problem is all they have to go on are the abbreviations Hg and Bi. While Team Ass Burgers and Team What? decide to ask a local to look it up on her cell phone for them, Kent just happens to be a periodic-table-memorizing-geek and already knows the answer in that black no.1 dyed head of his. Meanwhile Team Viper has arrived and Jaime or Cara (it doesn't really matter which one) is alluding to the fact that the only animal she has dressed up as was a Playboy Bunny. *groan* Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up. Look, I've been to the Playboy Club in Atlantic City. I was very young and I remember looking at the bunnies thinking they were the prettiest women I've ever seen. They'd bring me Shirley Temple's and smile while wearing their shiny costumes. They were lovely and I was entranced. If a 12 year old me saw a member of Team Viper troll up with their bones clickety clacking and reeking of venom and hate, I would have run screaming from the Playboy Club and never drank a Shirley Temple again for the rest of my life. I'm too lazy to google whether or not those bitches were telling the truth, but please tell me they were lying and just wore a costume for Halloween or something. Those girls are dream killers is what they are. Dream Killers!




Alright so the kangaroos are hopping along and Margie loses her kangaroo foot. She thinks she should go back and get it, but Luke does that whining "Mom go! Mom go!" thing he does and Margie leaves her little paw lying in the gutter. Realizing she's probably just made a huge mistake Margie finally turns around to collect her foot leaving the door wide open for Team Ass Burgers to finish in first place and win a trip to Cancun. Yay! Sure, I'm happy my boys are number one and all that, but you know what makes me even more happy? Knowing that the 8th wonder of the world will be frolicking at one of the original 7 wonders... Chichen Itza. Alright, here's what I want: I want a shirtless photo of Justin at Chichen Itza and I want it posted on his Facebook Wall for everyone to see. It should be titled 'Wonder Twin Powers Activate'. If Justin fails to complete the mission, then Zev has my permission to throw him over the side of Chichen Itza, but only after ripping his heart out of his chest first. These are my demands. Make it happen guys.

Ok so race race race, hop hop hop.... Team Globetrotters finishes 2nd followed by Team Cowpat and Team Pee Pee in 3rd and 4th. Ron from Team Takei got a major bug up his ass and refused to follow a shrieking Mallory even though she was headed in the right direction. Look, she annoys the shit out of me too, but sometimes you have to suck it up and think about what's in the best interest of your team. In the end, after a bunch of bitching on Ron's part, it's actually Team Widow's Peak that gets eliminated. Kris lies and says he's ok with it, but Amanda straight up tells us she's pissed she didn't win any money. And, that's it. Done.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you happy Team Widow's Peak got eliminated or would you rather Team Takei went home instead? How the hell did Mel pass the physical? Next week: Drink every time Justin shouts "Baby!" Trust me on this one. You'll be wasted by the first commercial break. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

I tried looking for an Elimination Station episode but couldn't find it. Let me know in the comments if you find it and I'll add it ASAP. Thanks bitches. And, if you like Survivor, please check out my Bitchy Survivor Blog. The writing over there is nowhere near as bad as it is here. I swear.