Zev & Justin: Team Ass Burgers

And now we arrive at the only reason I'm back blogging this season of The Amazing Race - Team Ass Burgers. If Team Ass Burgers gets eliminated first, we may have a problem, but let's not think negatively. Let's not think of Justin and his penchant for enormous shorts where little things like teacup yorkies, crocheting projects and PASSPORTS like to hide. We'll focus on the positive. We'll focus on Zev and the suit he stole from Elton John that he's wearing in the publicity photo shown above. Seriously, is that not the best most scrumptious thing you've ever seen? Alright, video time...



*laughs with head in hands* Oh Zev... silk pajamas? Thank you. Gorgeous. Perfection.

Look, these guys are great, they're friends of the blog and if they don't make it to the Final Three I'll renounce writing forever and go back to living my life again like the happy sober person I was before I entered the evil and frightful world of blogging reality shows. But, in the meantime, I'll watch this annoying show and I'll dutifully report on it each week. I can't promise the blogs will be up in a timely manner though - Mondays can be difficult. BUT, I'll do it. I'll do it dammit. All of you who were pissed off over how I flaked last season better thank Justin. He was crying earlier on Twitter about how I don't like his show as much as I like Survivor (true!) and you know how I can't stand to see a grown man with Don Johnson facial hair cry.

Ron & Christina: Team Takei

I have no idea who these people are. I don't think I watched their season and you know what? I don't care. I just want to get these profiles done. So, basically, it all rests on the 50 seconds of their video...



Ron talks like that guy from Star Trek so I guess I like them. He makes me giggle.

Mel & Mike: Team Eminem

I loved Mel & Mike! I remember being devastated when they were eliminated. I hope Mel's been working out and taking his heart meds because I expect them to stick around and keep me entertained this season. Winning a foot race against Team Viper at some point would be ideal.



That team name in the title is temporary. Mel & Mike, M&M, Eminem... I'll come up with something better later.

Margie & Luke: Team What?

I know this is blasphemy, but I don't really care for Margie & Luke. I distinctly remember being very annoyed with them during their original season. Didn't Luke throw tantrums all the time and wasn't Margie kind of a pain in the ass? I know they were good racers, but I think personality-wise they rubbed me the wrong way.




I'm sure they're lovely people in real life, but when they're racing... they're not.

LaKisha & Jennifer: Team Pee Pee

Apparently, I watched their season, but I haven't the foggiest who these two are. Maybe I can get something from the video.



Nope. Nothing. I don't remember that bathroom thing at all. You'd think I'd remember something like that. I'm going to call them Team Pee Pee for now and I'll remain undecided as to whether or not I like them. I'll give them that courtesy since I named them after urine.

Kent & Vyxsin: Team Banshee

Ok, now this is an interesting team because I have no idea who they are. I wasn't watching The Amazing Race back then. While day in and day out I yearn for that blissful ignorance back - I hate this show - I'm stuck in the here and now. Knowing nothing about them and going on just looks and the way Vyxsin spells her name... I. Love. Them. Love!



Look at Kent's arms. Don't they look like polished marble? I think he's a vampire. Another reason to love them! I'm naming them Team Banshee because I used to listen to a lot of Siouxsie and the Banshees when I was deep into my goth phase. I also smoked clove cigarettes and wore a lot of velvet but that's neither here nor there.

Jet & Cord: Team Cowpat

I know this isn't a popular opinion, but I don't really care for the cowboys. Actually, that's not entirely true. I like them when there's no one else left to like... if that makes sense. When there's only annoying repugnant teams left, then, yes, I'm a Team Cowpat fan. But, not before that. They're like cartoon characters to me. Maybe it's the accents. Ever since Jordan Lloyd won Big Brother 11, I have an instant aversion to thick southern accents on CBS reality shows. It's unjust and judgmental, but that's just the way it is. What can you do? *shrugs shoulders*



Compared to the majority of the other teams - so far - they're ranking pretty high. So, there you go. Good news for them I guess.

Jaime & Cara: Team Viper

Jaime and Cara are the most hateful, most ignorant, most disgusting, most rudest (I know that's grammatically incorrect, but double rude is what they are) pair of soul sucking vipers I've ever seen. I hate these two. It's a tangible hate. It's a hate I can see, a hate I can touch, a hate I can smell and a hate I can feel. They are the singular reason why Americans are reviled by other countries. Cab drivers have committed suicide because of them. I firmly believe that. I almost don't even want to watch the video because of how crazy these two make me, but - alas - I suffer for my art. *clutches crucifix*



Well, it's nice to see the one on the left has developed an eating disorder. That's the silver lining for having to endure them for another season I guess.

Flight Time & Big Easy: Team Globetrotter

Finally! A team I remember! And you want to know why I remember them? I remember them because they taunted that bitch who wouldn't go down the waterslide in Dubai and made her cry. I loooooved that! I think they did some other evil stuff too... ohhhh yeahhhh... they made fun of Meghan when she kept saying, "Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne." Yeah, I like these guys.



Yup. Good people. Funny guys. Wish them luck. Taunt another bitch for me and we'll get along just fine.

Gary & Mallory: Team Gingko Biloba

So, these two are back. Gary & Mallory. I can't remember what their team name was though... Do I literally just block out every memory I've ever had of this show or is this a real medical problem I need to address? I'm young. I take Gingko Biloba. I don't smoke any illegal drugs out of tinfoil. What the hell? Alright, enough about me, let's watch their video...



They're likable I guess. Nothing is standing out for me to make fun of. Whatever. Moving on...

Amanda & Kris: Team Widow's Peak

Amanda & Kris were on The Amazing Race before I started writing about it. I watched their season, but I have no idea who the hell they are. If I can't remember you, then it means you probably aren't that interesting... or it means that an evil demon in an underground lair is wiping my memory clean while I sleep. I don't know. Either one is a very likely possibility. As I want to get through these cast profiles as quickly as possible... to the video!



I still don't remember them. OK so they got U-turned. Well, shit happens.
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I don't like them. Kris and that hair of his... come on! I can't take that seriously! There is one thing I want to know though. Did his parents name him Kris with a 'K' or was that his doing? Was he little Christopher from next door and then when he plucked his eyebrows he magically became 'Kris' *glitter sparkles all around* or are his parents just cruel? This, I would like an answer to.

Hope they go quickly. I hate this show. Alright, who's next?