Monday, November 28, 2011

I'm A Pancake Man



Where the pillows are plush fluffy waffles and where the rivers run thick with chocolate is where we'll continue this terminal race around the world. Home to Tintin and more official languages than is necessary, Belgium is also an avian wonderland for the pigeon folk. Why live on the streets of New York City eating left over pizza crusts or spend your days getting violently trampled by Japanese tourists in Piazza San Marco when you can make a decent living delivering teeny tiny elfin messages to teeny tiny Belgians living in prefab houses nestled on the side of a hill? Those pigeons have got it good in Belgium - condos with a doorman. People kill for condos with a doorman! I'll bet those little Flemish mules deliver much more than silly messages though. Red-footed strutting drug lords is what those flying rodents really are... coo roo-c'too-coo check my rectum ooh-oor. I've always wondered why Snow White and St. Francis of Assisi were so blissful all day long - always smiling, always singing, hanging out with their bird friends. Now I know. Those bitches were high as a kite. Let's recap, shall we?


We continue this endless adventure where we last left off - in Belgium with our racers greased up and flashing us their mammaries. Somehow Team Armani (Amani & Marcus) finished first and now they're the first team to depart. Teams must now drive themselves to the Ford Proving Grounds (Prahving Grounds if you ask Camille) for their next clue. Team Bert & Ernie (Cindy & Ernie) leave behind them in second, with Team Grammer (Camille/Sandy & Kelsey/Jeremy) in third, and Team Snowbunny (Andy & Tommy) and Team Geritol (Bill & Cathi) rounding out the top five. I guess that bodybuilding leg was purely for our amusement because no one got eliminated and all I have to show for it is another week added on to my very annoying TAR blogging schedule.

Note to anyone affiliated with The Amazing Race in any way whatsoever: GET YOUR ACTS TOGETHER!!! I'm sick of your stupid little show starting late every week. You were almost an hour late last night and my DVR neglected to record the 9 o'clock hour. And since cbs.com is an ad ridden nightmare that won't pause long enough to let me write a bloody paragraph, I am now forced to rely on my wits and memory (ha!) in order to recap the show from last night. I say that from now on you should pay me for every minute you're late. According to my calculations, you now owe me eleventeenth million dollars. I'll be waiting for my check.


Alright so Bert & Ernie arrive at the Ford Proving Grounds and it's a Road Block: Who wants to play with the ponies? As Ernie has an extensive My Little Pony collection at home, it is he who braves the challenge. To pass this Road Block, racers must "Master Their Mustang". As dirty as that sounds, it's just a couple of fancy car tricks. #1 - reach a speed of 100 miles an hour and then brake hard through a turn of orange cones. #2 - navigate through a slalom course without knocking over any cones or crashing into a giant inflated blue dummy car. #3 - do a double victory donut.


With wide eyes and hard nipples, Ernie is strapped into the passenger seat and shown exactly what these Mustangs can do. Clad in a fetching royal blue driving uniform and with the wind blowing in his hair, Ernie is ridden hard by the nice Belgian man. "Squeeee!!!", he cries. "Yippee!!!", he squeals. Tumbling around the front seat like that plastic bag in American Beauty, Ernie is tossed hither and thither before Godellef (the Belgian driving guy) finally gives Ernie the reins and let's him drive this bitch himself. Driven by focus and a tingling in his loins, our little blue speed racer plows through all the flimsy wimpy girl speeds and reaches 100 miles an hour with no problems at all. It's when he reaches the slalom course that we discover all the anger Ernie has pent up inside. I don't know what cones and dummy cars did to Ernie in a past life, but in this life, he's going to run those bitches down! Ploof, scroop, floot go the cones hurling through the air while poor Godellef could do nothing but clutch his neck and glare at the CBS producers getting their lawyers on the horn.



The Grammers pull in second and Kelsey snatches up the keys before Camille can even stumble over to the clue. Unshaven and determined, Kelsey passes the speed portion with flying colors, but he gets impatient when pulling into the slalom course. You see, that Ernie is still crashing into the dummy car and Kelsey is antsy to get this show on the road before Camille wakes up and wanders onto the track. Half hungover and half in an Ambien daze, the track could be a very dangerous place for Camille. She's liable to think the dummy car is a real car and, knowing Camille, she'd pop it with one of her Stuart Wietzmans while reenacting that White Snake video. Eventually, Ernie passes which lets Kelsey catch up and complete the slalom course swiftly enough. Camille slept through the whole thing, the blue dummy balloon survives, and now the teams are instructed to drive to Gent.

Team Armani and Team Snowbunny finally arrive at the Ford place and it is decided that, much to Andy's chagrin, Marcus and Tommy will drive. You see, Andy is the "car guy". Andy is the one who drives on roads and talks into CB's and whatnot - not Tommy. The only reason Tommy wants to do the car challenge is because he gloriously failed the Hans Christian Andersen recitation challenge and now he wants to save face. With that goofy smile of his and tussled hair, Tommy skips off to do some driving while Andy stays behind and kicks the pavement with a very unchristian-like fervor. Through the engines revving and Marcus screaming something or other about touchdowns, we can still hear Andy exclaiming, "But I'm the car guy!" I don't know, if cars are really Andy's thing then wouldn't he be the better choice to compete instead of letting spindly embarrassed Tommy save some face? Their reasoning had something to do with head challenges and physical ones. I don't remember the intricacies of their new race plan but it had something to do with Tommy be a bonehead and Andy being a brain. *shrugs shoulders* Whatever.

With Bill & Cathi in last place, everyone passes the Ford challenge injury free and is now on their way to Gent. Andy sits in the backseat with his arms crossed and a grimace on his face. This is what it looks like when you have sin in your heart. No pitchforks, no flames. Just a jealous stoner in a headband fighting the jealousy within. With the sin eating away at his innards, Andy finally gets in a little face time with Christ and promises to stop being envious. That's all there is to it. Hate whoever you want, wish your enemies dead, wallow in the pea soup of jealousy... as long as you say you're sorry in the end, it's all as good as forgotten. Rrrrright. How about not doing devil things in the first place? I don't know. Just a thought.


Bert & Ernie arrive in Gent first and it's a Detour: Water or Waffles? In Water, teams have to build a raft and search the waterway for two pieces of something (My notes here are vague. I'm thinking this is when I got a refill.). In Waffles, teams have to build a waffle stand and make perfect Belgian waffles. No stranger to the kitchen, Ernie chooses Waffles before Bert can micromanage a single thing. The Grammers choose Waffles as well because a nice fluffy waffle might soak up some of the liquid that's pickling Camille from the inside out. With tiny little legs and stumpy little arms, Bert & Ernie crawl on stools and each other in an effort to assemble their waffle house. Conversely, those statuesque Grammers simply flung a rooftop off of their pinkies and had it land perfectly onto their awaiting poles. Voila! The Grammer Waffle House is open for business. Bert looks on sideways with some of that Andy sin in her heart and wonders why her house is still in pieces above Ernie's head. Ernie shouts, "Because they're tall!" Bert makes a note in her notebook to look into leg lengthening when she gets back home. And now it's time to bake!



Unfortunately for Kelsey, waffles are not his forte. He's a pancake man. The smooth golden discs he flips so effortlessly on a Sunday morning while Camille snores from the other room... that he can do. These boxy, dimpled, textured, square things are not in his repertoire. Besides, I don't think Hungry Jack makes a Belgian waffle mix. Ernie, however, is very confident in his waffle-making prowess. He watches the demonstration closely and skips back to his waffle house to get to work in the kitchen. Bert watches him from across the tiny shack and asks, "Why aren't you using a ladle? " Ernie replies, "Julia Child never uses a ladle!" Bert asks, "Well, why aren't you whisking it?" Ernie replies, "Because Ina Garten doesn't whisk!" When he's not in Swahili class or learning how to sword fight a monkey, Ernie is watching The Food Network (and doing needlepoint). If Bert wasn't so busy planning their next trip to the outskirts of some war torn country, she'd know of what Ernie was capable - throwing a dinner party with only $50 and a nectarine, knitting a shawl out of a tattered soccer net, or creating a handmade soap gift basket from some slivers of hotel hand soap and a sprig of lavender. Trust him Bert. He's got this.

Meanwhile, the slackers are just now arriving. Teams Armani and Snowbunny both choose to do the Water challenge which I'll admit I thought was nuts at the time. Marcus takes one look at the branches, ropes, and barrels with which he has to create his craft and directs Amani to hut hut hut to the 50 yard line where he'll tie everything together and they'll float away. Of course when the Snowbunnies arrive, he completely scraps his cockamamie plan to create a ship that looks like a floating field goal and instead copies the Snowbunnies design from start to finish. Since those goofballs are so good at the dumbest things, the Snowbunnies cruise through the water challenge and are now in the lead as they head to a pigeon outpost for their next clue.

Back at the waffles, Bert & Ernie are stunned to hear they've failed the challenge. Bert flings her arms to and fro wondering what the hell they did wrong while Ernie silently adjusts an askew strawberry and looks to the judge for confirmation. The judge nods as Ernie smiles softly to himself. He knew he had this. Those waffles were his bitches! Over in the Grammer house, things aren't going quite as swimmingly. Camille has taken over and while beer is very popular in Belgium, it's not really a component of the waffle batter. Kelsey stayed in his corner flipping pancakes for the locals and shouting "Tada!" while Camille sprinkled a mysterious white powder all over her waffles and presented them to the judge. The judge gives her a thumbs down and Camille cries, "Do you have any idea how much these waffles are worth?!?" Gandolf shrugs his shoulders and tells her to try it again. She sprinkles more powder and presents her plate again. Again, she is rejected. After begging Kelsey to quit and smooshing each and every one of his pancakes in between her fingers, Camille finally figures out that her waffles were merely presented in the wrong order. Gandolf gives them the thumbs up and they're off to the next clue.

Marcus eventually manages to make a touchdown and Team Armani, followed by the slow moving Team Geritol, are finally on their way to the pigeon place. Bert & Ernie arrive first and discover that they have to release the pigeons and then drive to catch up with the pigeons. Bert dumps a vat of Purell all over herself and Ernie before gingerly tiptoeing up to the pigeon doorman. Bert declares, "I don't want to touch the pigeons." The doorman rolls his eyes and opens the little pigeon condo where birdy after birdy flew off all by themselves - without Bert's help. Flushed with relief, Bert grabs Ernie's hand and throws him into the front seat of the car. They have no idea where they're going so they stop at a 7-11 for some hostess snoballs (for Ernie) and directions.


Meanwhile, the Snowbunnies arrive at the pigeons and somehow make it to their destination while Marcus is scaling a small Belgian mountain in search of a clue. He saw a flag waving in the distance and naturally assumed it was an Amazing Race flag. I guess I should cut Marcus some slack because the Belgian flag actually does have red and yellow in it, but forget it. I'm rooting against him on principle - the principle that life is not a football game, cars are not pep rallies, and momentous occasions are not freaking touchdowns. To make matters worse, Camille also decides to follow Marcus up the mountain. Luckily, she quickly realizes that it's just a random flagpole and not a clue and she scurries away from Marcus as quickly as her little legs will take her.


The Snowbunnies arrive at their pigeon destination incident free and are directed to the Atomium which is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race. They see some ne'er-do-wells on skateboards loitering on the side of road and decide to ask these kindred spirits for directions. Kelsey, however, doesn't need directions. He recognizes the Atomium from when they were in Brussels and now it's a car race to the finish. I hoped beyond hope that those bumbling Grammers would stumble their way into a first place finish finally, but it wasn't to be. Can you believe those numbskull Snowbunnies won the leg? And they won cars they can customize?! Gross. Tommy stared into the distance with his dumb ass smile while Andy, yet again, with sin in his heart, had to bring up the car challenge just one more time. I hate you both. Lose.

Team Grammer finishes in second with Bert & Ernie in third and Team Armani in fourth. This week we say goodbye to Bill & Cathi. I wasn't necessarily a fan and thought they definitely got lucky on that nonelimination leg early on, but I'm bummed they didn't beat the Snowbunnies. That was all I wanted out of the old timers - shame for the Snowbunnies. So, what did you guys think? How much longer can Team Armani last? Do the Snowbunnies have this thing wrapped up? Do you think the Grammers will treat me to a pancake breakfast? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

6 comments:

  1. I hate that it always runs late too. But you can set the DVD to record an extra hour in the settings. My kid showed me after me bitching all time.

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  2. Just thought you should know that your recaps make me laugh so much that even though your white text on black background format messes with my eyes and gives me migraines, I have been copying and pasting your write-ups into a document once a week for the past several seasons just to be able to read them. Take it as an extreme compliment...I don't know anyone else's recaps I would bother doing that for. Thanks for the laughs!

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  3. I hate football season for this reason...it messes up the start time for TAR nearly every single week of the season. Spring TAR runs so much more smoothly!

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  4. I thought the water challenge was going to be a mistake too for Team Armani. I was surprised when he scored a touchdown with that one. :)
    I wonder if he would have been able to complete that successfully if he hadn't been able to copy the snowbunnies raft.

    At this point I would be surprised if the Snowbunnies didn't win the race. They are certainly the most consistent. I still like team Armani, although they are idiots, if they won that would be a miracle. Team Grammer is just boring to me, so I'm not rooting for them much, even though she is from where i live. They are dull. And Team Bert and Ernie, well, we already know how most of us feel about them. I thought it was so funny when she kept spouting out questions to him in the waffle challenge. SHUT UP ALREADY. How does he refrain from saying that? That guy is a saint!

    Good post.

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  5. I absolutely LOVE the snowbunnies. They have earned every prize & I hope they finish first all the way!!! Never felt so good about a deserving team ever.

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  6. You said it all, We 4 Bears.

    And Carole? Your opinion made my ear bleed. They probably will win though... -____-

    I will miss Team Geritol.

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