Monday, October 25, 2010

Stick A Fork In Me


Norway. Land of cruise lines, fjords, and Vikings. Ravaged by the plague, left starving by the British, the Norwegians are a strong determined people. Full of pride and strength and whatnot. In all honesty, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I know nothing about Norway. I picture a very cold place with big bearded blondes canning fish and living on giant rickety boats. I mean, I'm sure there's more that goes on up there. I just have no idea what it is. Doesn't everyone get to go to college and take 18 months vacation out of the year while getting free health care? Oh wait, that's Denmark. Now, Denmark is a place I want to go. Everyone seems so happy there. Happy and well-educated. *sigh* Meanwhile, I'm stuck here in the land of idiots with Kelly Ripa in the background blabbering on and on about something. I don't know. I recently read Eat, Pray, Love and now I'm dissatisfied with everything. So very dissatisfied. *shrugs shoulders* Alright, let's try to do this. Let's recap, shall we?


We pick up where we left off - in Sweden. As Team Propofol (Nat & Kat) was the first to arrive, they're now the first to depart. They're instructed to drive to Norway and ride a Gondola to find the next clue. Clues, clues, clues. Everything is a damn clue. Little red and yellow striped hints to the unknown. I take issue with the use of the word "clue". What is it a clue to, where to go next? Those aren't clues, those are directions. Ugh. God, I hate this show! Alright so Nat & Kat take off and Team Miss Depends (Gary & Mallory) are the next to depart. Mallory is just so thrilled that her father gets to experience this before he, you know, dies. The guy is like my mom's age and I know she's not going anywhere anytime soon so what's Mallory's rush to get him in the ground. Is there a nice fat Will waiting for her or something? Since when did 60 mean you're knock knock knocking on heaven's door?


And then we come to Team Blood Diamond (Brook & Clair). Did you notice TAR added an 'E' to Clair's name last night? It was always E-less on the CBS website and now suddenly this 'E' appears and it's like "I'm here to stay bitches.". Well, screw you 'E'. I'm having none of thee. Potato girl will always be Clair to me. So, they open the clue and Brook launches into this monologue about how she's the most passionate person anyone anywhere has ever met. No, Brook. You're the most annoying person anyone anywhere has ever met. You make girls who live for Tiffany & Co. never want to receive another blue box for the rest of their lives. When jewelry, no matter how valuable, hears your voice, fingers, necks, and wrists everywhere turn green. Brook is one of those girls that no matter where you go or whomever you're with, she always has to be the center of attention. I can see why she's friends with boring Potato Clair. There's zero chance of that lump ever stealing the spotlight. The most she'll do is shake salt over herself and dip a finger or two in ketchup. Brook then goes on to tell us that Clair is a "quiet storm". I think that was her way of calling Clair fat and boring. I could be wrong though.


Elsewhere, on Team Jack & Jill (Jill & Thomas), Jack is mad that Jill didn't go to college. You see, she went to cosmetology school and he went to Notre Dame and somehow this bothers him. Oh, give me a break. It's not like Jack is sitting around smoking a pipe and pondering James Joyce at all hours of the day. He's probably just pissed she doesn't know the football cheers and wasn't in a sorority. They read the gondola clue and Jack looks all smug and says, "Oh yeah, I've ridden lots of gondolas." Like Gondola Class was something that was offered at Notre Dame. Yeah Jill, too bad you didn't go to Notre Dame. Otherwise you'd know how to sit in a little capsule thing and stare out the window. Too bad you went to cosmotology school. You'll be oh so lost when you climb inside. Why, you're liable to trip or bang your head against the window or something. My god girl, why didn't you go to Notre Dame?!?


Over at the gondola thing, Nat is crying because she's scared of heights. It's not like she has to walk a tightrope or anything. She literally just has to sit her ass down and do nothing else. She sucks up her snot and makes her way to the top where Team Propofol discovers a Fast Forward. If they want to, they can participate in a Norwegian Christmas tradition and then skip forward all the way to the Pit Stop. Well, of course they want to do it. I mean, why not? They're instructed to head to a cabin and they're all excited because they just looooove Christmas. Nat wonders if they'll get to wear cute Christmas outfits and dress up as Vikings. Kat just hopes it's not an eating challenge. She tells us repeatedly that she's been a vegetarian for 22 years. Did you hear that? 22 years. 22 whole long years Kat has been a vegetarian and the idea of meat touching her lips makes her want to hurl. Little does she know that the Fast Forward is to eat an entire sheep's head.


Normally, something like this would make me giddy with glee, but I HATE this show. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! I don't want to blog it anymore. It's a waste of my time churning out this crap and it's a waste of your time reading it.


Anyhow, they arrive at a tiny solemn cabin where it's very quiet and lit by candles. It kind of looks like a place a serial killer might have built and taken his unsuspecting victims. Nevertheless Nat & Kat come bursting through the door screeching, "Merry Christmas!" Kat searches for some cute Christmas outfits - perhaps red patent leather boots or a green velvet corset - but instead all she finds are ominous place settings. She gulps nervously, looks to Nat in fear, and then is confronted with a giant animal head. The girls quickly tear the meat off the head and into little bites so they don't actually have to stare into the eyes of the animal while eating. I may not care for this team, but that was pretty smart. Kat takes it a step further and decides to forego chewing altogether. She tilts her head back, tosses in a hunk of meat, and swallows. In the end, they finish and cruise into first place at the Pit Stop.


At this point the other teams are confronted with a Road Block where they have to rappel off of a bridge, get a clue from a boat, and then lift themselves back up to the top. Most of the teams are doing it with no problem, but Clair approaches and sinks like a sack of... potatoes. She makes it down ok, but getting up is the tricky part. She's huffing and puffing, Brook is yelling at her to think of her dead grandmother, and at home I shoved a fireplace poker into my eye. I don't want to watch this anymore! I hate these people. I hate this race. I hate everything!!!


After the bridge rappel thing, teams have to either ride bikes or navigate some boat somewhere. Team Dumb Ass (Nick & Vicki) decide to do the bike thing and Nick tells us that he's some dirt bike prodigy who rode a BMX out of the womb. Instead of delighting us with his biking flights of fancy, he runs out of breath and is forced to walk his bike up the hill.


I don't know. What else happened? Chad was a douche, Kevin continued to bore us senseless, and Hashbrown Clair taught some Norwegian man how to pick his underwear out of his ass.


That's it. I'm done. I just can't anymore. Team Spike (Katie & Rachel) went home in the end. Who cares?


I don't get paid to write this drivel and I just can't justify doing this particular show anymore. If next season is All Stars, maybe I'll blog it. I'm sort of leaning towards blogging Celebrity Apprentice instead. It's a Sunday night show. I think it starts in the Winter and Richard Hatch and NeNe Leakes will be on it. Would that be something you guys would be interested in? I need to be inspired in order to write something funny and Amazing Race just isn't doing it for me. If you read my Bitchy Survivor Blog you know what inspired writing looks like and this here sure as hell isn't it.


I'm sorry if I've let anyone down, but I need to go with my gut and my gut is telling me that this is a colossal waste of time.