Thursday, September 2, 2010

Team Fisticuffs: Chad & Stephanie

Today we meet the boyfriend/girlfriend team that is Chad & Stephanie. Apparently, Chad stole Stephanie from her longtime boyfriend and now they're in the process of closing on their first house together. I could care less that Chad wants to be just like Matthew McConaughey when he grows up or that Stephanie strives to be a singer. What intrigues me about these two is the delicious promise of pure unadulterated violence. Apparently, Chad isn't as dorky as he looks. He likes to howl something fierce, punch things with his angry fists, and pepper the air with profanity. Listening to Stephanie talk about Chad's anger management issues makes me wonder if their current home remodeling project isn't just a cover for sealing all the holes in the walls put there by Chad's own hand.

Chad's biggest fear in life is getting arrested in a foreign country for something he didn't do. Ahhh another Locked Up Abroad fan! I love it. That's my fear too Chad. Whenever I'm in Nepal, it's most definitely a shady local who puts that opium up my hoo-ha and not me. Chad's worry for foreign law enforcement makes me wonder if he'll be overly cautious and walk the straight and narrow or like those vile intolerant redheads who hurled insults at every cabby who crossed their paths. My vote is leaning towards the redheads. Chad won't be able to keep his anger is check for very long and I'm thinking this team could very easily become one of the most hated.

Stephanie is sweet, but I kind of fear for her life. The looks Chad give her in their video are a teeny tiny bit too creepy for me. I think she should pack up her hairstyling tools and all of that compassion she has stored up and enter the Witness Protection Program. Run Stephanie run. I don't want to have to hear about you on the Evening News.

Check out their video for yourselves. Please to enjoy:

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Team Blood Diamond: Brook & Claire

The next team we're going to meet today are the home shopping duo that is Brook & Claire. Apparently, there's a jewelry channel and that's where these two chuckleheads work. If there's one thing I'd never buy off the TV, it's jewelry... and maybe any sort of plastic hair product. My TV shopping experience is pretty much limited to any sort of dance type workout DVD. That reminds me, I never did order the Pussycat Dolls workout...

Order it with me... you know you wanna...

OK so Brook is super proud of herself. She makes 6 figures peddling blood diamonds for insomniacs and that makes her happy. I'm not hatin' I swear - if I could make that much stroking shiny hard things, I'd do it too. *pauses to watch a little bit of their video* I take it back. I am hating. Holy what the hell... this chick is annoying. She's always on and it's semi fascinating that her biggest fear in life is getting an incurable disease. All at once I want to cut her and watch her try to sell things to innocent Cambodians.

Poor Claire... there's an entire Order called the Poor Claires (name the movie and you're a big weiner!)... Claire is the not so pretty sidekick who loves Costa Rica and would like to invest the cash prize in hopes of doubling it. Claire thinks that food will be her harderst obstacle on the Race and I can't help but wonder how Chile is recovering from the tamale hoarding Jordan. She's the lesser entertaining of the two and she says her dad is her hero. Yawn, yawn, double yawn.

I'm not going to write these two off just yet. I'm sensing something inside of them that could be evil and entertaining. If they keep talking to me like I'm in fucking kindergarten, then we're going to have a problem, but Claire's all too obvious lust for Brook should be fun to watch.

Here's the video where Brook totally reminds me of Bobbie Brown (not Mr. Whitney Houston or the make-up artist, but the 90's video vixen Bobbie Brown from Warrant's 'Cherry Pie' video). I might even start calling her BB. Please to enjoy:

Team Don't Abort Me: Andie & Jenna

It's that time of year again... the sweltering summer heat begins to float away, crunchy leaves litter my hiking paths making Copperheads all the more difficult to spot, and Phil and his giant pants are back for more. Yup, The Amazing Race is back bitches and I guess that means I have to blog it. Joy!

I've just created my official TAR17 folder and over the next several days I will offer up my extremely unfair and often incorrect critcisms of each and every team. I'll also workshop some team nicknames, but, like every season before, they are subject to change should the fancy strike me. As I am a fan of all things fancy, it may strike me often.

The first team we're going to meet is the mother/daughter duo of Andie & Jenna. They aren't your typical mother/daughter team though. These two only just met! I wonder if Troy Dunn had anything to do with it... but I digress.

Andie is a stay at mom going through a midlife crisis - her words not mine. She likes to run, hike, and say annoying pro-life things in her online bio. Andie is a strange robotic type of gal who doesn't have too many facial expressions, but I gotta admit the way these two got onto the show is actually very sweet. It turns out Andie googled Jenna and saw on her Twitter account that Jenna loved The Amazing Race and wanted to compete. I knew Twitter was great for making fun of people and spreading weird celebrity death rumors, but I had no idea it could bring families together. Score one for Twitter!

For some reason, these two think playing out their fidgety awkward "getting to know you" phase on National TV is a good idea. Bless their hearts because I'm more than happy to watch it all materialize. Jenna can't really get a word in edgewise, but when she does she calls her mom by her first name and I totally giggled. She's a sweet girl stuck in an unusual predicament and I can't help but sympathize with how truly awkward this must be for her. Jenna is an adventurous type who can't wait to travel the world and conquer her fears -- fear of being motherless. Zing! Their dynamic is a unique one for sure, but Jenna seems like a free spirit and extremely well-adjusted. The most I can hope for is Andie making awkward faces when Jenna talks about missing her "mom", her adopted mom.

Check out their video and help me figure out if Andie has had too much botox or is just insanely uncomfortable. Please to enjoy: