Monday, May 10, 2010

You're Going The Wrong Way Dumb Ass!




We've been whisked around the world watching men and women, young and old, thick and thin, idiots and lizards all compete for a million dollars. We've heard the words "baby", "bro", and "let's dance" more than any other human should. We've watched as budget cuts forced teams to compete by buses and bicycles as opposed to planes and trains. Only a handful of Detours could really be called "challenges" while the others could easily be referred to as "a fucked up Saturday night." Phil's necklines got plungier while his necklaces got sparklier. Teams were lazy, out of shape, hopped up on too many benzos (I'm looking at you Jordan), and annoyingly preoccupied with creating catch phrases ("Ariba!", "Let's dance!", "I'm gonna punch you!", "I love you bro!"). I miss the TAR's when challenges took 8 hours to complete and teams were forced to beg for rupees or yen on the filthy streets of third world countries. Something's missing from these new TAR seasons. Casting is a little off, ingenuity and brain power are lacking, ruthless all or nothing/do or die hunger to win is absent, that heart thumping anxiety I used to get each week is gone. I don't know. Maybe I'm just sick of seeing ridiculously annoying teams win. I hate it when I don't get my way and last night I definitely did not get my way. Let's recap, shall we?



We find ourselves still in Shanghai. Haven't we been here for like 3 weeks already? Quite frankly, I've seen enough of this damned city and I'm ready to get back to the States where the cab drivers speak English and the lizard people are lying in wait. Team Such As (Caite & Brent) are also anxious to get back to the white bred fraternity of American cab drivers so they're thrilled to discover they're heading to San Francisco. Caite squeals and looks very satisfied. All she ever wanted out of this race was to prove to the world that she's intelligent and not ignorant. She's cried and tantrumed her way through South America, Europe, and The Asia skipping challenges here and there thinking things like "clues" and "instructions" were just for suckers. She traveled country to country wrongly blaming Team L Word for that evil and stinky "tiara" remark when, in fact, it was Team Jooj who started the whole drama. Her wide-eyed, freshly scrubbed, long lashed tagalong boyfriend, Brent, was there for Caite offering pearls of wisdom and moral support. When he shouted, "Shut up!" or "I'm quitting!" we all swelled with pride and thanked our lucky stars these two charmers found each other. Young love. *sigh*

Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord) are the second to leave. Since the airport ticket counter is closed until morning they quietly and logically head to an airport shop to read up on the history of California. While learning all about San Francisco, Disneyland, and The Crips, Team Jooj (Dan & Gay Jordan) arrives and Gay Jordan slyly puts his backpack ahead of Cord's pack at the ticket counter. Sure, they're all getting on the same flight anyways, but Team Cowpat is pissed. Jet, out of nowhere, clenches his fists and threatens to remove Gay Jordan's teeth from his head one by one. Gay Jordan, scared for his life, tinkles a little in his pants, stares straight ahead, and tries in vain to hide the fierce red crimson of shame coloring his cheeks. He sucks on his lips and whimpers a little to himself begging the lady at the counter to hurry up so he can go cower behind his big headed bro, Dan.


On the airplane while the other teams are sleeping, Team Jooj finds a flight attendant and requests to get put up into first class. As much as I hate to say it, that's a great move. Shit, I pull that move everytime I fly and I'm not even racing for a million bucks! How the other teams didn't notice this is a mystery to me. One would think you'd try this maneuver on every single flight in the race. That move, and that move alone, changed the entire face of the race.




(Coit Tower NOT the Lost lighthouse)

The plane lands in San Francisco and, naturally, Team Jooj are ahead of the pack. They find a cab and arrived at the clue well before everyone else. The clue is a riddle to a building with all sorts of murals painted inside. Gay Jordan, knowing that bike riders are smarter than the average car driver, stops and asks a bicyclist to help him solve the riddle. They're directed to Coit Tower, which kind of looks like the lighthouse in Lost, and they race off in search of the next Road Block where I hope a smoke monster is waiting to eat them alive.



Meanwhile, Team Such As has found a cab and are in the midst of beating their driver to death with a shoe. Brent berates him for not speaking English while Caite screams that she's gonna punch everyone in the face. I can't for the life of me figure out how she lost that pageant she was in. At this point the cab driver is traumatized and doesn't know up from down so he just drives around in circles hoping that maybe Caite will inadvertantly fly out the window. Brent, wondering why people in America - especially people in California - don't speak English starts shouting out the window for Immigration while Caite screeches at the driver, "You're such a dumb ass! If I lose, people will think I'm ignorant!"
(Knott's Berry Farm Parachute Drop that my mom made me ride alone)


Team Cowpat, on the other hand, has now found the clue and are well on their way to Coit Tower. It turns out Coit Tower was in that History Of California book they read back at the airport. If Magic Mountain, Del Taco, Carl's Jr., or Knott's Berry Farm are alluded to in any of the other clues, then Team Cowpat has it made. I lived in California for 8 years and, yes, all my memories are of fast food joints and amusement parks. I can only assume books covering the history of California share my priorities in life.



At Coit Tower, Team Jooj is instructed to climb the outer wall and retrieve the next clue inside one of the arches. As we all know Gay Jordan is a complete pussy when it comes to anything physical, so Dan does the challenge. I thought his huge head might be a problem for him but Gay Jordan shouting, "I love you bro! Slow and steady bro! You can do it bro!" must have some sort of head shrinking powers because Dan made it up the tower without incident and I made a mental note to introduce Gay Jordan to Meghan ("Cheyne! Cheyne! Cheyne! Cheyne!"). I have a feeling they'd get along famously.



In the distance we heard a shrill cry, "Turn around you dumb ass!". San Franciscoans thought it was another earthquake coming, but it was only Caite. Anyhow, Team Jooj finishes and they get a clue to go to the Yoda Fountain at Industrial Light and Magic. In the meantime, Team Cowpat is now ascending the Lost lighthouse and Team Such As finally gets the clue to Coit Tower. Sure, their cab driver is beaten within an inch of his life and Brent's eyelashes are smeared with blood, but they're back in the race and that's all that matters.


Over at Industrial Light and Magic, Gay Jordan is busy being gangraped by a bunch of Stormtroopers and loving every second of it. Dan reminds him they're in a race and Gay Jordan reluctantly (and then excitedly) takes part in the next challenge. I say "reluctantly" because Gay Jordan was sad to leave the Stormtroopers. The "excitedly" part comes in when Gay Jordan realizes he gets to put on a skin tight catsuit with lots of balls hanging off of it. As long as Gay Jordan is somewhat entertained in a stereotypical "gay" way, he'll happily compete in the race. Otherwise, he'll just sit there with his giant head and annoy everyone with nonwitty banter. I think he wanted to be the "one-liner" guy this season, but in reality he's just a hack with an oversized head and no backbone.




The Industrial Light and Magic challenge is like that ANTM challenge they did years ago where the models had to pose for Benny Ninja while negotiating through complicated lasers. Ok, so maybe the challenges aren't exactly the same, but they both required catsuits so that's good enough for me. Anyhow, Dan served as "director" while Gay Jordan had to listen to his every command. Dan would say "Slow down" and Gay Jordan would speed up. Dan would say "Spin around" and Gay Jordan would reply, "I'm nauseous!". It was pathetic and only became remotely entertaining when Team Cowpat finally arrived and decided to fuck with Team Jooj.




While Jet was changing into his ball suit, Cord began to shout out crazy instructions in order to confuse Dan and Gay Jordan. Much to my delight, Cord was yelling, "Sashay this way!", "Ballet turn left!", "Shuffle and twirl!", "Do the hokey pokey!"... Dan was furious and started to beat on the million dollar George Lucas console he was sitting at. Gay Jordan, thankful for the rest, simply played with his plastic balls on his suit wondering to himself if Lady Gaga would ever wear something similar. Once Jet was dressed, the teams got back to focusing on the challenge. However, things came to a standstill when Dan had to read a clue that whizzed around Gay Jordan's head. Am I crazy or shouldn't Jet just have pretended to trip thus knocking over Gay Jordan and proceeding with the challenge? Having Jet just stand there doing nothing was a remarkable waste of time. I feel like something could have been done in that instant to change the game. In the end, Team Jooj maintain their lead and cruise off to find the Tonga bar where their next clue awaits.



It turns out the clue is a bumper sticker on a trunk. It directs them to the American Music Hall. Back at Light and Magic, Team Such As has arrived and are hot on the heels of Team Cowpat. Both teams finish at about the same time and hop into their cabs, but Caite, precious un-ignorant super smart Caite, ends up leaving her teams money, clue, and passports back at Lucas Land. Had Brent made that same mistake Caite would have ripped his off and eaten it in one gulp. She also would have beaten up this new cab driver just for the hell of it. But, since it was Caite's mistake, Brent just sat quietly, looked out the window, and waved goodbye to a million dollars.



This brings us to the last challenge of the race which is, of course, to put all the teams in order of elimination. Unforunately for fans at home, Gay Jordan has been taking notes and he's literally got a list in his pocket of the order everyone went home. *sigh* Fuck. There's pretty much zero chance of any team catching Team Jooj at this point and I really just want to end this already so let's just skip ahead to the best part of the episode.



So, we're at the finish line and Team Jooj has won (Boo!). Team Cowpat arrives in second and Team Such As comes in third. All the other teams are there clapping politely and whatnot... all but one team. One bitter angry annoyed ungrateful reptilian team stands alone.... Team L Word. They refuse to clap for Team Such As... or rather, Brandy refuses to clap... and to make matters simply heavenly Caite has decided to give a speech. When will this bitch learn that just because there are people around, they're not necessarily there to hear her speak? I suppose Phil is kind of to blame as well. He just had to make a big to do about Caite being the last girl in the finals. Ok so the stage is set: Caite is on the platform, Phil's necklace is sparkling in the sun, and all the teams are there forced to hear whatever she has to say. Will she cry and thank her family for believing in her? Will she propose to Brent and profess her love? No! Blessedly, no!



(Brandy in her lizard form)


Instead Caite turns ever so slowly in the direction of Team L Word. *bites fist* Brandy sees that Caite is about to open her mouth so she lurches forward, puts her hand up, and says something to the effect of, "Oh hell no." It was heaven. It was frosted, it was sprinkled with sugar, it was dipped in chocolate, it was rolled in macademia nuts, it was filled with bourbon... it was perfection! Brandy does the equivalent of snatching the mic out of Caite's hand and the wig off her head. In not so many words, Brandy tells Caite she played the game wrong, U-turned the wrong team, and is just as stupid now as she was when we she did that pageant. At home I threw my top off and poured whipped cream and hot fudge all over my chest. Seriously, best ending to a TAR ever! It ended with Brandy shooting her lizard tongue at Caite and swallowing her whole. Awesome. Team L Word rocks my world.


So, what did you guys think? Were you happy Team Jooj won? Did you weep thick salty tears for Team Cowpat? Did Brandy deliver you a little slice of heaven like she did me? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


If you've enjoyed what I've done this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal Donate button on the upper right hand side of this page. It takes hours to write this drivel and I'm going to need some bribes to want to come back and do it all over again next season. In the meantime, you'll be able to find me at the Bitchy Survivor Blog and in a couple months I'll be recapping DAILY... yes, I said DAILY... all the shenanigans in the Big Brother house over at the Bitchy Big Brother Blog. Also, feel free to join the Bitchy Network where we have discussions pertaining to all of your favorite shows (Real Housewives, ANTM, True Blood, Vampire Diaries), BB gossip, and celebrities.



Have a great summer everyone and thanks again for all of your support and kind words during what's been a very difficult season. It means the world. Thank you.


Please to enjoy one final Elimination Station: