Monday, May 3, 2010

They Don't Even Understand Their Own Language!


Shanghai. A bustling metropolis where bridges are like assholes (every street has one) and, according to Brent, the locals don't even understand their own language. Buddha is like Justin Bieber (he's everywhere!) and the pork chops aren't even edible. The word "follow" is mysteriously missing from the Chinese language and young bladders beg to explode inexplicably. Crafting, more specifically "stamping", is a national pasttime and stupid little Chinese ladies keep getting in the way of blonde girls searching for a clue (literally and figuratively). What is this strange Asian corner of the world we've found ourselves in? More importantly, how do we get out? I took the liberty of checking out a Shanghai newspaper thinking it held instructions for everyone to vacate this horrific place. I mean, if Dan and Brent find it so objectionable then it must be a place people are going to elaborate lengths to leave. Instead, I found an article about a new ketchup packet that allows for dunking. Seriously? This Shanghai may not be so bad after all. Grab your frozen french fries, chicken tenders, and breakfast burritos bitches. We're going to Shanghai! Let's recap, shall we?


As Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord) were the first to arrive at the Pit Stop, they're the first to depart. The clue tells them to find the "Garden Bridge" and immediately Cord starts telling a story about trusting Jet with his life. I went back and reread the clue hoping it said, "Jet, throw Cord off the Garden Bridge.", but it didn't say anything of the sort. Better yet, the clue should have said, "Jet, throw Caite and Brent off the Garden Bridge. Be sure you weigh them down with cement blocks and burn their traveling papers." I mean, that's a clue I can get behind and cheer for and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I'm not alone in thinking this way.




Speaking of Team Such As (Caite & Brent), the horribly awful lumps of flesh and hair, they're the second team to depart and, much to my chagrin, Caite is all smiles. The creaky rusty wheels powered by bubble bath and cotton candy that are turning in Caite's brain have come to the conclusion that if she makes it to the Final 3, the world will forgive her her past regressions, MENSA will come calling, and statues will be erected in her honor. She'll open academic institutes in her name and hold seminars in the fine art of elocution, deportment, and hocking loogies. In reality, all Final 3 really means is that someone was stupider than you and that a meth addiction (which inevitably follows pageant fame) is now waiting around the corner. Seriously, I don't think I'll be satsified with Ms. Tiara until I see her on Dr. Drew's couch talking about how her mommy made her work at a funeral home on the weekends and practice her tap dancing on the side of the street. In general, I'm not satisfied with any pageant story unless it somewhat resembles Amber Atkins' yet ends like Kari Ann Paniche's with a foot to the ass and an embarrassing firing from Sober House. Add a sex tape into the mix and Caite will have reached true stardom.



OK so everyone is looking for the mysterious Garden Bridge, but no one can seem to find it. Did David Copperfield make it disappear? No, it turns out that in Shanghai no one knows what the hell a "Garden Bridge" is. In Chinese it's the "Waibaidu Bridge" which sounds a lot like Erykah Badu Bridge to me so I'm renaming it here and now. Anyhow, no one is asking for the Erykah Badu Bridge so, naturally, the Chinese folk on the street have no idea what these American bitches are talking about. This reminds me of a time I was in Paris. I was to stay on the Rue Notre Dame de Nazareth. In my infinite wisdom and attempt to save on cab fare, I assumed it must be somewhere near Notre Dame (you know, the place with the gargoyles) so I went up to people asking, "Where's Note-er Dayme?" They all looked at me like I was a freak and then they blew smoke in my face. That's what French people do when they don't like you. They go, "Pffft!" and then blow smoke in your face. I asked one for a Gauloise but he just laughed at me and kicked me in the shins. After about 4 people looking at me like I was nuts I changed my approach. This time I asked, "Pardon, where is No-tray Dahm." Finally, a flash of recognition came across the smug French bitches faces. I was pointed in the direction of the giant church all pleased with myself only later to figure out that the Rue Notre Dame de Nazareth is, in actuality, like 18 arrondissements away and nowhere near the big fucking church. I'm not sure what the point of my story is, but all you need to know is that TAR's Garden Bridge was my Rue Notre Dame de Nazareth - hard to find and full of assholes along the way.



Eventually the bitches start making their way to the Erykah Badu Bridge where they're then instructed to make their way to Longhua Temple.... without taking a taxi. Caite, master of map reading, assures us that Chinese is her second language and everyone else can suck it because she can read a map like nobody's business. I wonder what would happen if I gave her a map to Hell? I mean, since she so good at reading maps and all. If I direct her right into the lap of a Satanic dark lord and master I might be doing the world a favor, you know? I'll get to work on it and fax it to her later.


While Caite is rewriting the Chinese Atlas, Team Jooj (Dan & Gay Jordan) are in the throes of a full blown hissy fit. Something happened to these two giant headed little freak boys since I last saw them. Dan suddenly somewhere decided that this race was worth winining only now it's turned him into an incredible asshole who'll never eat Chinese Food again. Good... more for me. He still can't find the Erykah Badu Bridge and he's had it with China and all their Chinese things. He stands atop his bloated backpack (filled with shoes and scarves I'm thinking) and declares, "I hate China. I will never be back." The Asians surrounding him at the time all clapped and cheered, but Dan just kept scowling his way into a new plan. His new genius plan is to follow Team Undercover (Louie & Mike) to the Erykah Badu Bridge and then ditch them when it's time for them to do their Speed Bump. In theory, it's an OK plan considering Louie and Mike are detectives and are used to finding things that are lost.



One would think a lost bridge would be easy to find. I mean, it's not like a lost wallet or a lost dog. Wallets typically get stolen and dogs frequently end up on a grill at a backyard barbecue (this is China we're talking about here). So Team Undercover climbs to an overpass and searches the streets for Erykah Badu with some binoculars and a flashlight. The bridge is called Erykah Badu Bridge so she must be hanging out somewhere around there. Her hair is pretty big. She shouldn't be that hard to spot. It turns out Erykah Badu is one hell of a Hide And Seek player. She's like a spider monkey - wiley and fast. At one point, Team Undercover thinks they see her hiding in some jackets blowing in the wind on the highway. It turns out it's just jackets blowing in the wind on the highway. Must be the Shanghai version of Lost and Found.


At this point Team Such As has arrived at the Longhorn Temple (thanks to Caite's super amazing map reading skills) and she needs to count a bunch of gold buddha statues. Isn't this like the 18th counting challenge so far? While Caite concentrates on her buddha's, Brent sits outside the temple and comtemplates life. He likes these Chinese people. They're cute. They like to pray. They probably fit neatly into overhead storage bins. Brent was really scared to come to China (because of all the dragons loose in the street), but he's finding it to be charming. The fountains situated everywhere are especially convenient as Brent is a strapping young buck who gets thirsty quite often. I'm pretty sure the fountains are meant for ritual cleansing or rinsing off panda bear dung from the bottom of your shoes, but Brent's been using them as his own personal Evian bottle. Brent sighs happily, looks up to the Asian sky, and thinks, "It's really neat to see how other people do things." Yes, Brent, it is neat. You'll find an entire world of people doing all sorts of things if you only take the time to look around and smell the roses once in a while. Ditch that blonde idiot always at your side and you might be on the path to full spiritual enlightenment.



While Brent is appreciating the air he breathes and the fountain water he drinks, Dan and Gay Jordan are stuck in the back of a cab throwing spit balls at their driver. Not 2 seconds ago did they tell their cabbie to follow Team Undercover and not 2 seconds ago did the cabbie go in the opposite direction. Like I said in my opening paragraph, the word "follow" doesn't exist in the Chinese language. There are 27 ways to say "Dumpling" but not one way to say "Follow". So Dan is jerking his body around the backseat, reaching for the door handle, grabbing the hair on his giant head, and screaming, "Fol-low! Follow! Stay behind them! It's the simplest thing... follow follow follow." Like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal, he demanded to get out of the car right then and there. Well, Gay Jordan is no Robert Redford and the highways of Shanghai ain't Beverly Hills so Dan and his cranium are stuck... with no million dollars, no cute little geisha dress, and no big boat named Gryphon. He's stuck to stew in his own miserable intolerant juices.



At this point Team Cowpat has finally made their way to Louboutin Temple and they're too busy studying their clue to notice big beefy Brent sitting right there sketching pictures of Asians lighting incense. Brent giggles as they walk by and decides to play (by himself, mind you) a little game of Hide and Seek. He read somewhere that Erykah Badu liked to play so he thought it might be fun to play too. He leaps behind a stone bench chuckling to himself and humming 'Tyrone' while Team Cowpat walks off to get started on their counting challenge. In addition to permanently affixing ginormous hats to his head, Jet is quite an accomplished counter. He gets the correct answer just ahead of Caite. Team Cowpat and Team Such As then hop on the back of some motorcycles to head on over to the Yoohoo Gardens which I'm assuming is a delicious chocolate-y fairy land not unlike Willy Wonka's factory.



Both teams love the motorcycle rides and once they reach their destination it's hardcore game time. Team Cowpat takes off running. Caite and Brent begin to bicker over how to find the Yoohoo Gardens. Brent wonders if there'll be butterflies there while Caite begins to trample over tiny Asian women while shouting, "Get out of my way!!!" You could hear their tiny screams under each one of Caite's steps, but she didn't care. She needs to be in the Final 3 and prove to the world that she's not ignorant. I don't know about you, but I think that insulting and shoving a pack of Asians is the perfect way to disprove ignorance.




Both teams eventually arrive at the Detour (through a bloodied trail of tears thanks to Caite) and they can choose between Pork Chops or Pork Dumplings. Everyone chooses Pork Chops which, unfortunately, isn't an eating challenge. Chops are these long stamp things that kind of look like candlesticks. Teams have to find their names on the stamps in a store packed to the gills with Chops. You could say it was a "Chop Shop". Haha! I crack myself up. Such As and Cowpat start looking for their Chops when Brent begins to do a little tinkle dance. Poor boy has to pee and he has to be now. He shifts from side to side with his legs crossed begging Caite to take him to the bathroom. She scolds him with a firm, "No!" and tells him to knock it off. Brent bites his lip and grabs his willy, but nothing can keep the floodgates from opening. He whines, "You don't know how bad I have to go right now." Caite clenches her teeth and says, "Ok fiiiiine. You're SO annoying!" Brent yells back, "Shut up!" Ahhh young love!


Right about now Team Jooj is finally on their motorcycle. Something must have happened to Dan in the temple with all the gold buddhas because instead of being a complete nut job and yelling, "Follow, follow, follow", he began trying to pick up some street walkers. He offered Gay Jordan in exchange for a quickie but the pimp wasn't having it and they had to speed away in their motorbike. Gay Jordan had no idea he was being offered up in the Chinese flesh trade. He was too busy beaming at riding bitch and getting to wrap his arms around a lovely young Asian boy.


Regretfully, back at the Chop Shop, Caite finds her stamp and manages to sail into first place at the Pit Stop. *stabs self in eye* She gives some speech about not being ignorant anymore (I'm quite sure she was picking her nose at the same time), but I couldn't really hear her so well because I was too busy drilling into each one of my ears. Seriously, Team Such As is in the Final 3? How the fuck did that happen? Team Cowpat, to much of you bitches delight landed in the #2 spot.


Back at the Chop Shop, Team Jooj and Team Undercover were like bulls in a China shop. Undercover's meaty fingers were knocking over all the Chops while Dan had had about enough and kept yelling at Gay Jordan to find their goddamn stamps already. In the end, it came down to a foot race to see who could get to the Pit Stop first. I don't know whether to be happy or sad, but Team Jooj finished in third and Team Undercover is outta the game.


So what did you guys think about last night's episode? Were you happy Team Jooj finished in third? I don't know about you, but I'm about ready for this season to be over. I guess out of the three teams left I might be forced to root for Team Cowpat. Who are you guys rooting for? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


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Please to enjoy this week's Elimination Station: