Monday, April 12, 2010

Ladies Get Their Way... Bitches Don't

Singapore... a land of mystery, wealth, tall shiny buildings, fancy restaurants, multi lingual signs, and lots of kids who'll grow up to do tech support... is the cultural nexus for all things Asian. The Lo Mein and pedicures there must be out of this world. Driving might be a little sketchy though. Anyhow, people travel to Singapore for all sorts of reasons. Some seek the cuisine, casinos, and shopping. Others want the medical care. And some, a very few, are up for a good flogging. Remember Michael Fay? Sure you do. You see, Singapore is a pristine country where littering and vandalism are big time no-no's. You won't find gum on the streets, condoms in the gutter, or water bottles in the creeks in Singapore. One snot-nosed American kid thought he could flout Singaporean law and his ass cheeks paid dearly. If only stupidity and arrogance were illegal in Singapore too. Team Such As would have been stopped at the border, given an IQ test, and told to turn around and fly back from whence they came which in this case would be a dank and musty trailer with mom chain smoking chugging Peach Schnapps and dad shirtless flipping Spam on the grill. You can take the girl out of trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl. Let's recap, shall we?

Team Cowpat (the interchangable Jet & Cord) triumphantly finished first in Malaysia and are now the first to depart on this leg of the race. Teams are instructed to take a bus, hop a mule, hitchhike, schlemiel schlimazel, and ride a train to Singapore. Budget cuts and Phil's pastel shirt allowance are making plane travel a scarcity in this season's race. Jet or Cord mumbled something about Ghost Rider being back in the saddle again and I just rolled my eyes and stuck my nose in the air knowing they got the quote wrong. It's supposed to be, "Tower, this is Ghost Rider requesting a flyby." followed by "That's a negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full." (name the movie in the comments and you're a weiner) Don't those cowboys know anything? They know luck, they know ginormous hats, and they know Rogaine, but beyond that they know very little. Team L Word (Carol & Brandy) knows things though. They know they're proud of themselves and they know that Caite & Brent were put on this planet to be made fun of. Delightful!

We soon find out that this leg will feature a U-turn... the dreaded U-turn. Oooohhh scary. Team Undercover (Louie & Mike) and Team Such As have been talking about this U-turn for months now so we knew it was an inevitability. I'll bet a second one wasn't even originally in the plan. I'm thinking Undercover and Such As read The Secret and willed that U-Turn into fruition. The big plan, as we all know, is to use the U-Turn on Team L Word which, seriously, makes little to no sense. Wouldn't you use the U-Turn on someone who's consistently a frontrunner, who's won a shitload of fabulous prizes, and who works well together? Team L Word doesn't fit any of those criteria. If the criteria were to oust a team who's bitter and close to killing each other, then, sure, go ahead and oust Team L Word, but don't waste it on a team who dared to utter the word "tiara". Makes no sense!

OK so all the teams arrive in Singapore and it's a race to get a cab, head to the Victoria Concert Hall, and find Allan Wu, the host of The Amazing Race Asia. It turns out Allan Wu was on an episode of Fear Factor and he's an MTV Asia VJ. MTV still has VJ's? I thought they just had shows about pregnant teens with elaborate birthday parties and fancy cars. I guess you learn something new everyday. Team Jooj (Dan & Gay Jordan), able to sniff out a good looking guy anywhere in the world, find Mr. Wu first and get the clue. Gay Jordan wants to sit and chat and talk about Asian fashion, soba noodles, and what Buddhist monks wear underneath their robes, but Dan thinks doing the Fast Forward might be a better idea. The Fast Forward is a one way ticket to the Pit Stop that's usually difficult, dangerous, or features a lot of bug eating (remember last season?). This time around a team will have to board a ferris wheel called The Singapore Flyer and climb from one capsule to another out on a rickety metal ladder miles high in the sky. Failure could result in death or at least a maiming. Not really. I'm just wishful thinking.

While Team Jooj contemplate the Fast Forward, Team Undercover is inside the Victoria Concert Hall looking for Wu. When they finally find him sitting outside on some steps, they waste no time with silly things like pleasantries and instead pretty much shake Mr. Wu upside down and wait for a clue to fall out. It's a good thing Asian men are small in stature. Louie could have thrown is back out or something. Ok so now we discover the Detour. It's Pounding The Drums or Pounding The Pavement. Why couldn't there be one called Pounding The Dummies? A Team Such As beat down would not only be entertaining, but good for the environment. In Pounding The Drums, teams have to learn a complicated drum routine and perform it with a dance troupe. In Pounding The Pavement, teams have to set up a stand and sell 10 ice cream sandwiches. Teams Undercover and Cowpat choose to pound some drums and soon find out that their teachers are drum playing savant children who have no patience for slackers. Seriously, did you see the looks on those kids faces? They weren't fucking around. They wanted precision and they wanted it now.

At this point Team Such As has found Wu and also chooses to do the drums. Acccording to Caite, she's "good with rhythm" and proceeds to show us by shaking her ass. It's at this point that I discover Caite's secret. It turns out her brains are actually in her ass (kind of like a VW bug) and when she shakes her ass the two brain cells left reluctantly rub together and the friction produces a teeny tiny spark of a cohesive thought. That's the only way I can explain how Caite managed to learn the drum sequence relatively quickly. Team L Word, on the other hand, aren't so good with rhythm. They're good at making faces and they're good at slinging insults, but rhythm? Not so much. Their savant teacher, which a matching haircut, just happens to be a crack addict and he's already had his morning fix. His arms fly expertly this way and that. He peppers his drum banging with shouts and grunts. He's sweating and fidgety and wondering why these two teenage boy Americans can't pick up the routine. Carol knows a crack addict when she sees one so she gives little Miyagi the hand and marches off to find a not-so-cracky drummer to teach her.

Team Undercover is also not having much luck with their drum teacher and I began to wonder what sort of cracky drum training program these Singaporeans are running. It's probably a secret Asian cult that kidnaps young boys when they're 3 years old, locks them in an underground maze of caves, and plows them with crack and Neil Peart CD's. After a few years of "training", they take to the streets and drum for tourist dollars. TAR really needs to vet their foreign participants much more carefully. OK so Team Undercover bails on the drums and decides to try the Fast Forward. Meanwhile Team Jooj is already doing the Fast Forward. Well, they're trying to. Dan can't get Gay Jordan to stop crying long enough to climb out of the damn compartment. Gay Jordan just thought they were going to ride a Ferris Wheel. He didn't realize there was actual work involved. He thought maybe they could get a latte, take a few photos, and try to catch a show or something. Climbing out onto a ferris wheel wasn't what he signed up for. Uhhh yes it is. Eventually, he makes it out of the capsule and he's shaking in his little boots. It's at this point where I actually got a little scared for Gay Jordan. Have you ever noticed how gigantic his head is? It's amazing he can stand upright. I almost couldn't watch when he was bent over climbing across the ladder. I thought that massive cranium of his would send him plummeting down to the streets of Singapore. It's like Sputnik. Then I worried about the gooey mess his head would make and Singaporean law and whether or not Dan would get flogged... it was just too tense for me.

While all of this was going on Team Undercover had come and gone from the Fast Forward when they saw that it was in progress. They decide to do the ice cream challenge and scare some locals by yelling at them into buying some ice cream sandwiches. Back at the drum challenge, Cowpat fucks up their first try and Such As actually nails it. Team L Word starts yelling at each other and Carol wants to quit. Brandy insists they stay and Carol just sighs and rolls her eyes. They got stuck up inside her head for a few minutes and that slowed them down making Brandy start to sweat and awkwardly fidget with her wispy hair. Such As, on the other hand, was fueled by U-Turn hunger and they raced like the wind to get to the Road Block. Caite gets her wish (I stabbed myself in the eye) and she happily and gleefully U-Turns Team L Word. Dammit. There is nothing worse, NOTHING, than seeing Caite and that sack of air boyfriend of hers gloat. Makes me sick I tell you.

At this point Team Jooj has already landed in first place (where they win a motor bike they'll never use because their mom won't let them), Team Undercover gets majorly lucky and has their cab driver buy all 10 ice creams, and Team L Word is finally finishing up the drum challenge. They drag their praying mantis carcasses to the Road Block and are furious to find themselves U-Turned. Carol's head spins around, an alien pops out of her mouth, and she screeches that Caite U-Turned them because Brandy is prettier than her. Seriously, that. just. happened. Then she spewed alien juice all over the photo of Team Such As and shed her human skin to reveal lizard skin. Brandy's tongue turned into a forked snake tongue and she started talking like Forrest Gump doing her Brent impression. Carol whipped her tail violently and hissed at Brandy with grunts of encouragement. It was kind of awesome. This is why I love these gals. They're always full of surprises. That five minutes of Team L Word bashing Team Such As was the best five minutes of TAR ever. I don't care that Carol & Brandy are reptilian and have acid coursing through their veins. They speak the truth. Team Such As are intellectually deficient and Brent is most definitely the reincarnation of Forrest Gump.

Eventually, Carol and Brandy zip their human flesh back on in time to go back and do the ice cream challenge. Carol says they'll excel at it because they're full of so much charm. Seriously, again, that. just. happened. Brandy says "Fuck charm." and I wept a little bit knowing their time on the race was running out. Team Such As was, at this point, at the Road Block counting links in a giant anchor chain. Forrest was doing the counting and he was furious a tiny Asian man with an evil grin was banging metal on metal the whole time making a whole mess of noise. Brent starting throwing chocolates at him and telling him to shut up, but the Asian man just kept pounding. I made a mental note to send him a fruit basket.

Back at the drum challenge, Cowpat is just now finishing up. They're boring. Who cares? I hate them and their bad hair. I want more L Word. Thankfully, I get my wish just in time to see Carol and Brandy at each other's throats bitching about where to set up their ice cream stand. Brandy doesn't want to be in the sun. She'll melt if she's the sun. She'll shake violently for a few seconds, her fingers and toes will crawl up inside of her body, she'll belch out a puff of smoke, and then she'll melt. Sun has that effect on some people and Brandy just happens to be one of those people. Carol doesn't care. She'll risk it. She wants to be in a high traffic zone and if that happens to be in the sun, so be it. In the end, Carol spits lizard juice on Brandy to protect her from the evil sun and they proceed to sell their sweet treats by promising no swine flu. *sigh* Perfection. My favorite part though is when Brandy drops the knife she's cutting ice cream with into the trash. She digs it out and keeps on cutting. She promised "no swine flu" not "no trash coated ice cream". She's perfectly in her right to keep on cutting. Besides, Asians (and Mikey) will eat anything. They don't care.
Somehow, magically, Team Such As finished the Road Block and are now heading off to do a zip wire. I crossed my fingers and hoped the wire snapped or something. It didn't so Caite picked her wedgie and they sailed into second place. Dammit.

Now all the other teams arrive at the counting task and Cowpat is the next finish. They race off to do the zipwire hatless and, to the delight of all my readers, they finish third. They mutter something about radio being the only musical instrument they play and I just know all you bitches giggled and blushed and started penning them fan letters. Blech! We're now left with Team Undercover and Team L Word counting on the dock. For the first time this season I got that heart pounding thing that happens during a really good episode. Sure, I have to pop back a few Xanax and chug some gin, but that's a price I'm willing to pay for good TV. Anxiety makes my inner lizard try to escape and antianxiety medication and alcohol are the only things that'll keep it at bay. Ask my doctor. His name is Conrad Murray. He's in the book.

After a tense race to Phil, donning yet another sparkly necklace and pastel shirt, I regret to inform you that Team L Word (the L is for lizard) is no longer in the race. They're as pissed off as I am about it. Team Such As had no right to U-Turn a mediocre team. They should have U-Turned the cowboys instead. Those country bumpkins have more luck than if a leprechaun sat directly on their face and, trust me, I should know! A leprechaun face sitting is nothing to balk at. It's sweaty and bristly, but it's fortuitious I tell you. Very auspicious.

So what did you guys think? Are you happy Team L Word is gone? Are you still on the Team Cowpat train of love? I missed the preview for next week, but I overheard something about Amazing Race in 2 weeks. Is there no episode next week? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Please to enjoy the lizard people at Elimination Station where Jordan defends Caite and Jejo monopolize everything... yet again.: