Monday, April 5, 2010

Waitin' For The Eyebrow To Go Up

This is the story of Poontang (that's a Malaysian name, right?). It's a little known fact that in Malaysia cab drivers grow on trees. Unfortunately, most of them took the short bus to school and wouldn't know how to read a map if it sat on their face. But there was one singular nut of a cabbie, grown on a tree - sycamore or a willow I'm not sure - and his name was Poontang. Poontang could drive like the wind, smoke a cigarette, and tell you fascinating Malaysian folktales all at the same time. He raced for NASCAR and Formula One. If I recall correctly he even beat the pants off of Ricky Bobby. If you want to go to a temple or a tattoo parlor whether it be on the highest mountaintop or in the seediest shanty town, Poontang can get you there with mind blowing awesomeness. No one ever leaves Poontang's cab unsatisfied. In fact, it'll thrill you to know, that most of his customers keep coming back for more. The moral of this little story is, once you're in Poontang's warm smoke-filled velvet lined backseat, stay there! Never leave. No other cabbie will service you like Poontang can. Let's recap, shall we?

Au revoir Seashells. For this next leg teams are jetting off to Penang, Malaysia where, at the Snake Temple, they will find their next clue. As Penang is like 8 days away, all teams will board the same flight once again leveling the playing field. Team Baseball (Steve & Allie), having moronically left their backpacks behind in the last leg, frantically check online for the Malaysian Weather Channel. You see, these two sad sacks are without clothes, toiletries, and the exotic foreign porn Steve has been collecting since Santiago. All they have in this life are the stank ass clothes on their backs and they need to know if Malaysia is in the middle of a blizzard season. The mere idea seriously horrifies me to the core. It horrifies Allie too. She may not be verbalizing it, but you can totally tell. Poor girl is without face wash, mascara, fresh socks, etc.

Steve, on the other hand, is looking at this predicament as a fun kind of adventure. It's not like he's 21 with a pocketful of daddy's money, smoking weed at the Grasshopper in Amsterdam, and playing eenie meenie miney moe with a eurail map trying to decide where to party next. He's a grown man with a daughter in tow on a national tv show. So what does Daddy dearest decide to do? Why, trade one stank ass shirt for another stank ass shirt of course! He accosts a poor waiter or bellhop or something and begs him for the shirt off his back. Doug Ireland just stares at Steve, chuckles a little bit, and hands him a shiny blue plastic bag. Steve bellows, "What a pretty blue bag?!" He's sure he can turn it into something. Maybe he'll turn it into a waterproof belly shirt, or a rain hat, or maybe he'll use it to carry around his dirty underwear in. Who knows? All I know is he better keep it close and never let it out of his sight. He might wake up with it over his head and St. Peter staring him in the face. Allie looks like she's got a streak of evil in her... just sayin'.

At the airport while waiting for the plane, Team Undercover (Louie & Michael) has now adopted Team Such As (Caite & Brent) and they're busy making their Thanksgiving plans. Caite giggles and calls them "daddies" while Brent points and guffaws at Louie's tattoo. Louie explains that the tattoo is a serpent and St. Christopher is kissing it or slaying it or something. I'm not sure, I didn't catch the whole story. I think St. Christopher is the patron saint of cocaine and the serpent is the logo for the Medillin cartel, but I could be wrong. Brent gets all quiet, gingerly touches the serpent, and whispers, "Snake." Louie corrects him, "No, it's a serpent. You know who else is a serpent?" Not missing a beat Brent shouts, "Carol!" Louie nods. Brent decides it's unanimous (I think he meant "awesome") and together they decide Team L Word (Carol & Brandy) must perish. Team Undercover has carefully trained Team Such As that if a U-Turn pops up in the near future, they are to use it on Team L Word. Sounds like a good plan. I wonder who Team L Word would U-Turn if given the opportunity...

Teams land safely in Penang and race wildly to the cabs waiting out front. Team Jooj (Dan & Gay Jordan) leap into a vehicle where a man stroking his beard and smoking a cigar is waiting for them. "Hello, my name is Poontang. Where is it you wish to travel to today?" Gay Jordan shouts, "Snake Temple! Snake Temple! Drive us fast to the Snake Temple!" Snakes are phallic so naturally he's excited. Poontang heard the magic phrase "drive fast" and off he flies. He's weaving in and out traffic. He cut off Team Baseball. He passed Team Undercover. He magically flew over Team Such As. Nothing can stop Poontang from getting to the finish! Dan and Gay Jordan sat beaming in the backseat uttering a phrase many have uttered before, "This Poontang is faaaabulous!" In no time at all they arrive at Snake Temple and, perhaps spent and exhausted from spending 10 minutes inside Poontang's lush accomodations, they dismiss Poontang with a kiss and a wave. Poontang lights up another cigar and speeds off into the distance to pick up another unsuspecting lucky rider.

Team Jooj skips to the clue box only to discover that the Detour does not take place at Snake Temple. *gasp* Why, oh why, did they let Poontang go?! They weep thick salty tears and head off to wander down the road like The Incredible Hulk did. They couldn't even bother to choose which Detour which do: Buddhist Tradition or Chinese Custom. In Buddhist Tradition, teams have to lug 85 ginormous incense sticks up 63 flights to the top of a temple and then light them all on fire. In Chinese Custom, teams have to balance a humongous flag on their faces and run 1200 yards. I'm pretty sure both the incense sticks and the flags were purchased from the Jolly Green Giant's yard sale or something. Both were freakishly huge which, if you think about it, is kind of funny considering all those crazy Orientals are all so tiny.

Team L Word, weathered and bitter and pinched and horrible, arrive at the Incense Temple first. They see the task won't be easy and so they sigh. Over and over again they sigh. They sigh for their legs, they sigh for their hair, they sigh for their spindly arms, but most of all they sigh because it's all. just. so. much. work. *sigh* Can't they hire someone to do it for them? I mean, seriously, back at home Rosalinda washes their sheets, Jorge waters their plants, and Marcel cooks their food. Surely, they can find a poor peasant boy to carry the incense for them. Sorry twisted sisters, you're going to have to actually lift a finger. Team Such As arrives which totally lights a fire under Team L Word's ass. Both teams get hard at work carrying their smelly sticks.

Back out on the road everyone else is slowly making their way to the Incense Temple. Only Team Cowpat had the foresight to choose the Flag Detour. They're already finished and chilling at a Starbucks so we'll catch up with them later. OK back on the windy road to the Incense Temple, traffic is at a standstill. Steve is freaking out so he grabs Allie by her hair and they take off running to the top of the hill. Allie's tennis shoes have holes in them, her tank top is tattered, and her shorts are hanging on by tiny bits of elastic. Steve doesn't care! He never cares. They're running dammit. Team Undercover yawn and watch the father and daughter team race by their car window. Louie and Mike's cardio isn't exactly up to the par so they keep their fat asses in the car and continue to dream of calzones and stromboli. Out on the crowded turnpike, Baseball has run into Jooj, who's still weeping and crying out for Poontang. They see temples littering the mountaintop so they just stand there wondering which one is made of Incense.

Meanwhile Team Cowpat has finished the Detour and has already arrived at the Road Block. Since they came in last place they still have to do that annoying Speed Bump thing. Their task is to find a spice garden, smell some spices, pick the tea that smells like the spices, and then deliver the tea to Deepak Chopra who's meditating under a tree. Team Cowpat is good at all sorts of things like wearing big hats, riding wooden horses, and balancing things on their huge foreheads, but smelling is not something they're very good at. They deliver the wrong tea to Deepak and by process of elimination they finally pick the right cup.

Back out on the road of lost dreams, Teams Baseball and Jooj are still wandering around looking for a temple. Eventually, Team Baseball's cab driver catches up to them and, as he's not the magical Poontang, the team discovers he was driving them in the wrong direction all along. Team Jooj is also having no luck as they find themselves stranded at the top of a wrong mountain with no car, no Poontang, and no hope. They begin the slow descent weeping quietly to themselves.

At the Incense Temple the scene is much different. There are no tears, only anger. Carol is angry with Brandy, Brandy is angry with Carol, Brent is angry the sky won't turn the air conditioning on, and Caite is angry the lesbians continue to breathe. At this point, Team Undercover has shown up and they're now busy trying to avoid having dual heart attacks. I shouldn't joke about this as my father just died from a heart attack, but these guys really need to get their acts together. It was scary listening to Louie hack and cough and grab his chest like he did. His lack of fitness coupled with the fact that he's snorting coke on the downlow makes me want to tell his wife to call ahead and make a reservation at the funeral home. From now on Phil needs to have a doctor and all the equipment needed to perform an angioplasty waiting for Team Undercover at the finish line. It's a miracle they finished that challenge without having to chew an aspirin or suck on an oxygen tank.

Back at the Road Block, Team Cowpat is preparing to smash some coconuts. Teams have to smash coconuts until they find the one with colored coconut water. They then have to build a boat with a flaming coconut inside and send it out to a guru wading in the ocean. Jet, probably still pissed at the leaping coconuts from the last leg, delights in smashing those poor bastard fruits over and over again. He's comes to a minor delay at the crafting table. Clearly, he's not a scrapbooker as he had some trouble building his boat. Eventually, he finishes and Team Cowpat, miraculously, sails into a first place finish. It's the first time a team in last place forced to do a Speed Bump ends up finishing the following leg in first. It was a milestone or something, but I was too distracted by Phil's lilac blouse and shiny necklace to pay attention. Remind me to send his stylist a fruit basket.

Team Baseball, doubting the Incense Temple even exists, decides to switch to the flag balancing challenge. They arrive, Allie takes one look at the flags, and flat out refuses to do it. She crosses her arms, plops on the grounds, sticks out her lower lip, and announces there's no way in dirty underwear hell she can balance that thing. Bitch won't even try. It must have been her way of getting back at Daddy for making her travel with no clothes. I was mildly disgusted she wouldn't even try it and it was in that moment that I mumbled a prayer for them to fail.

At this point the other teams are finishing up at the Incense Temple and building their boats. The only team as fucked as Team Baseball is Team Jooj. They never recovered from losing Poontang and at the Incense Temple they bitch constantly about how hot it is. Ummm did you take a look at what they were wearing? They each had on like 3 layers of shirts, hats, leg warmers, wrist cuffs, headbands, etc. Over accessorizing Idiots. While they were busy fanning each other, Team Baseball finally arrived and Steve wasted no time hustling. He started grabbing all sorts of incense willy nilly anxious to get them to the top. Allie just stood there in the middle of it all clenching her fists and crying. Her dad isn't bothering to check if the incense he's lugging is the right incense and her armpit hair is starting to grow back. She had a brand new pink lady bic in her backpack... lot of good it does her now. I have a feeling her Paxil, Wellbutrin, and Zoloft might have been in her backpack as well.

In the end, everyone finishes up their boats and skips into the Pit Stop with no problems at all. Team Jooj was cursed as soon as Poontang drove out of their lives and Team Baseball is dealing with mood stabilizer withdrawal and dirty drawers. It turns out that Allie is useless without her Paxil and Team Baseball is now eliminated from the race. Good. They were boring. Bitches did nothing for me and as much as it would have amused to watch them turn into barefoot hobos I think it was their time to go.

Sorry this was so late and so short. I'm not at home right now so I'm typing this from a hidden secluded location at the base of a volcano. The internet reception isn't as reliable as I would have liked so I beg your forgiveness. Anyhow, what did you guys think of the episode last night? Can Team Jooj stop crying long enough to compete? Who do you prefer: Team Such As or Team L Word? We're getting down to the wire so who do you want to win? Don't say Team Cowpat... don't say Team Cowpat... Oh who am I kidding? All you bitches will say Team Cowpat. I'll stand alone and say I'm rooting for Team L Word - only because it'll piss off all the other teams. It's about time an all female team won and an all female lesbian team has a nice ring to it. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!