Monday, March 29, 2010

From What I've Heard, It's Anonymous


Last night we were whisked away to a magical place called Seashells (nee Seychelles). If the Death Star, Narnia, and that town in Teen Witch got together and had a baby, the result would be Seashells. It's a stunning archipelago nation nestled cozily in the Indian Ocean off the coast of Africa. What makes Seashells truly special isn't that it's a matriachal society where women rule the roost and govern all the finances (although that's definitely a selling point). No, what makes Seashells gliterry, shiny, and fun is the fact that it's run by a herd of ancient turtle people. Not to be confused with the Sleestak from Land Of The Lost. Sleestak were more lizard-y than turtle-y, but I digress. Anyhow, the turtle people are old, they're like Real Housewives old, so naturally they have a lot of wisdom and magical powers and whatnot . They can't fly, become invisible, or turn into ice buckets or anything like that. Instead, these ancient turtle people can do what no other superhero can. They can make coconuts leap. You might not think that's a big deal, but trust me when I say it is. Imagine growing up on Seashells being surrounded by leaping coconuts. You'd wrap them up as birthday presents and scare your friends. Seriously, leaping coconuts provide ample opportunity for endless hours of fun. Let's recap, shall we?



Ok so we last left off in ChampagneLand France. As Team Undercover (Louie & Michael) was the first to finish, they're the first to depart. The clue tells them to fly to Seashells. Yay! The only problem is that since the turtle people don't really like to be bothered by annoying humans, their island is far far away so there is only one plane for all the teams. The playing field is now leveled. Thank god! I'm sick of Team Undercover finishing first and Team Such As (Caite & Brent) finishing last all the time. It's time to mix things up. Jejo is gone and it's like the race just got a face lift or something. It's tighter, it's shinier, it's slightly puffy and a little swollen, but it holds promise. I'm not sure what it's promising... perhaps it's promising us one of the most entertaining shows in the past 2 seasons. Maybe without Jeff inviting everyone to dance we can finally get back to the task at hand and take some delight in watching all the teams fuck up rather than just one. Seriously, without those camera hogs in the game I'm finding the show to be interesting again. It's amazing what can happen when you drop 400 pounds of extraneous idiocy.


Everyone reads the clue all excited like and at home we giggled at the mangled pronunciations of the new destination. Some said, "Say-Chilis". Others said, "See-Chiles". And one horrific team said, "Say-Shells". Bitches, it's Seashells. Pronounced like "Seashells". Don't get it twisted.



After flying through the muck and grime of time, the teams finally arrive in Seashells. Once they land, they have to race to a kiosk to get their next clue. Some teams had the foresight to be seated towards the front of the plane, while other teams (the ones looking to make out) sat stupidly in the back. I'm looking at you Team L Word (Carol & Brandy). At the kiosk, teams will take a number and board helicopters traveling to the island of La Digue (Translation: Coconut Alley). The first three teams will leave straight away while the last three have to sit around and bitch for an hour. Team Such As, Team Baseball (Steve & Allie), and Team Jooj (Dan & Gay Jordan) are the first teams to leave. Somewhere between France and here, young miss Allie has found religion. It must have been hiding at the bottom of a champagne bottle or something. I'm not sure. All I know is all she talks about now is God and being blessed and loving her dad and yadda yadda yadda I really wish she'd shut up. Am I the only one who finds Team Baseball's relationship to be slightly disturbing?


The helicopters land safely in Coconut Alley and now it's Detour time. The Detours were called Turtle Toddle and Ox Cart, but they really should have been called Awesome and Awesomer. In Turtle Toddle teams have to lure a thousand year old turtle across a finish line using a banana. Once across the finish line they have to deliver a bunch of bananas to Mr. Tally Man waiting in the cabana. In Ox Cart, teams have to load a pile of ornery leaping coconuts into a wagon. Once they've done that they have to choose an Ox and drive the wagon to Mr. Chuckles who's waiting on the beach (impatiently) for his coconuts. Team Baseball is the first to choose and Steve decides to go with Turtle Toddle because of that fable he heard a long time ago about some race where a turtle beat a hare and because he's never met an ox he trusted. Years ago he met an ox behind the Malibu Starbucks. He loaned it some money for a Chai Latte and the ox promised to pay him back, but it never did. That ox just took the money and ran. Ever since then, Steve doesn't trust oxes. Team Jooj and Team Such As, on the other hand, decide to go with the coconuts. Clearly, they're not familiar with the lore of Seashells.



Steve & Allie decide to very carefully choose their turtle. Allie wanted to do Eenie Meenie Miney Moe, but as soon as Steve saw little Aesop with his fancy plaid kerchief he knew he'd found the one. At first Aesop wasn't really hungry and had his mind set on napping. He was out late last night with the bullfrogs and, let me tell you, those bitches know how to party. All Aesop needed now was a shower, some Valtrex, and some fluids... or maybe a banana. Bananas are kind of like black tar heroin to certain members of the turtle population. Allie may be annoyingly religious and all that, but she also has a knack for choosing the most potent of bananas because as soon as she waved her banana in front of Aesop's nose, he had a mission - get that banana! He threw on last night's boxer shorts, grabbed his lighter and spoon, and ran like the wind to get that banana.



Meanwhile over in Coconut Hell, things are progressing nicely. Team Such As is happily throwing coconut after coconut into their wagon. They think they've got it made. They're in the lead, they managed to catch the first helicopter, they're convinced their luck is changing. All that talk about details and checking and double checking everything must be paying off. The universe owes Caite a favor and her time is now... or so she thought. Deep in laughter and smugness, Caite neglects to realize that one of her coconuts has leapt right back out of the cart. Uh oh. The camera zoomed right in on the rebel coconut so we all kind of knew the fit would hit the shan at some point. Now, call me crazy, but if I'm being followed around by a cameraman and said cameraman is zooming in and out on a stray coconut on the ground I'd like to think I might notice something is amiss. I'd be like, "Dude, why aren't you zooming in and out on me? Oh, what's that? A coconut? Gee, looks like I missed one. Thanks camera dude!". Yeah, that's what I'd say. I like to pepper my dialogue with lots of "dudes" (not really... ok yes, really). Anyhow, I'm smart and I have a way with words so I'm sure I would have noticed that coconut. Caite, on the other hand, is stupid and her favorite words are "such as" so, of course, she didn't notice a damn thing.


So Caite and Brent have loaded up the cart and affixed an ox named Kari Ann to it. Some things you should know about Kari Ann: she hates being told what to do, meth is her drug of choice, and if you want her to go anywhere or do anything you have to give her a cup of juice first. Of course Team Such As has no idea what a total cunt Kari Ann is so they just willy nilly whip her with a switch and hope she goes forward. Instead, she runs into a tree which sends Team Such As into a tailspin. Caite calls Brent a dummy. He replies, "You're a dummy!" Brent calls Caite a friggin' idiot. She replies, "You're a friggin' idiot!" It was kind of fabulous and my heart swelled watching it. In the midst of this meeting of the minds, Team Baseball goes cruising past Team Such As. It was classic Tortoise and Hare that I just had to smile. Brent sighed in response and just played with his bangs some more. He thinks it's all so unfair that Team Baseball got a fast turtle. I mean, seriously, what are the chances?


At this point, the second wave of teams has finally arrived at the island and Team L Word decides to do the turtle detour. In the meantime, Team Jooj has finished loading their cart and Gay Jordan is busy trying to think of some more clever sound bytes. He decides to call his ox Box because his dad works for a packaging company. It was then that I knew... Team Jooj's dad is John Locke. No wonder he ran off to Australia. Two annoying sons like that would make me want to run away too. Anyhow, Team Jooj completes the task with no problems and they get their next clue which tells them to swim to a boat. Team Baseball sees Team Jooj hot on their trail so they hastily jump into the water forgetting their backpacks back at the turtle place. Once on the boat Allie wants to turn around and go back. Her make-up and clothes are in her backpack and she needs them. Steve gives her a look (a look I call Mexican Mom Face) and asks her through thin lips if she wants to risk giving up first place. Allie wants to say yes, but she's powerless against Mexican Mom Face. She decides that this must be some part of God's master plan for her. God must want her to be ugly and stinky. Had that been me I would have leapt off that boat and swam my ass back to shore. No way in hell I'm traveling the world without mascara, deoderant, and a fresh pair of underwear. Fuck first place. A bitch needs to be pretty and smell nice. Steve was a major asshole in that moment. How can he expect his daughter to travel without the basic necessities? I mean, what if the poor girl is on her period or something? Can you imagine? Steve wins the Asshole Of The Year Award in my book.



Back on shore, Team Such As finally pulls in and Caite just stands there with her hand outstretched waiting for Mr. Chuckles to give her the next clue. Mr. Chuckles stares at her hand wondering whether or not to shake it, smack it, or poop on it. Instead, he takes great pleasure in telling them that they don't have enough coconuts. Brent calls Mr. Chuckles a liar. Caite stamps her feet. Kari Ann takes another hit off her meth pipe. It's chaos I tell you. Caite starts to cry and Brent flips his bangs some more. It's so unfair! This race is crap and they'll quit dammit. I think they expected someone to step in and make it all better, but no one did so they were just left standing there wondering what to do next. Eventually, it dawns on them to go back and get the missing coconuts, but not before kicking some more rocks and giving everyone dirty looks.



Back at the turtle challenge, Carol and Brandy are trying to make friends but their icy demeanor and complete and utter awfulness is making it next to impossible. They chose a turtle named Fuck Off and Fuck Off has no interest in lesbians, bananas, or moving. Fuck Off TiVo'd Vampire Diaries and he needs to find out what's going on with Isobel and Catherine. These scary short haired manly ladies are freaking him out and he really just wants them to go away. Carol, exhausted from waking up that morning, sat down and sighed. That's all she knows how to do: sit and sigh, sit and sigh. If sitting and sighing were a sport, Carol would be champion. Brandy, all skittish and weird with her teeth pointing every which way, just starts yelling at Fuck Off to get with the program and help her out. She sticks a banana in his face totally offending Fuck Off. He's one of those straight edge conservative turtles who doesn't do bananas or lesbians so he promptly bites Brandy's fingers off and goes back to his Pirate Booty and Vampire Diaries marathon. Brandy yelps in pain, Carol sighs, and time manages to go on.



Out in the water the teams have to swim to an underground treasure thing. It's basically 7 bottles tied together. They have to untie one of the bottles, get back to shore, take the map out of the bottle, and figure out how to get to the Pit Stop . Steve takes water aerobics on the weekends so he does the swimming part. Allie just sits in the boat trying to convince herself that she can make it work for the next few weeks with one tank top and a pair of stretch pants. Maybe she'll ask the lesbians if she can borrow some of their clothes. Yeah right. That'll happen. The only way the lesbians will loan Allie anything is if she promises to pay interest or something. In the end, Steve & Allie get their clues, make their map, and run barefoot to the Pit Stop. They have their money and passports and, according to Asshole Steve, that's all they need. Allie just kind of whimpers to itself and insists over and over that this is God's plan.


Team L Word arrives at the ox challenge and their first instinct is to laugh at Team Such As for fucking up and still being there. Ummm excuse me precious ugly ladies, but didn't you just screw up the turtle challenge? Is that not Brandy I see clutching her hand gushing blood and missing a few fingers? Her face is going white and she's having trouble standing, but, yeah, you're right, this is the perfect time to laugh at Caite & Brent. I'm quite positive Team L Word's neighbors must hate them with a passion. With Brandy crying and Carol sighing all the time, it must be a nightmare to share air space with them. I'll bet Carol steals the neighbor's newspaper and throws her Slim Jim wrappers into their yard. They probably bicker over nonexistent trees and show up drunk to Homeowner's meetings. You just know Carol grinds up Xanax into Brandy's yogurt and keeps her hooked up to a Pinot Grigio I.V.. It's the only way she can keep her from fleeing.

Team Undercover has already come and gone from the ox challenge while Team Jooj has safely landed at the Pit Stop in second place. Team L Word, basking in their own miserable imperfection, is preparing to depart and makes sure to check all around their cart for any strays. No way in hell they're messing this up. They need to get to the Pit Stop and have someone sew Brandy's fingers back on ASAP. Satisfied and smug, the two bitches leave in their cart. Now, I'm not really one to believe in miracles and I wouldn't exactly call myself religious, but something definitely spiritual happened in that moment. As Team L Word was pulling away we discover that there is indeed one lone coconut left behind. It had rolled underneath the cart. Out on the cart path Team L Word and Team Cowpat pass each other. Team Cowpat was ahead, but now they're heading back to the coconuts because they forgot one. Carol & Brandy look at each other and they just laugh and laugh. Those stupid cowboys. What idiots!

Mr. Chuckles, beaming ear to ear, can't wait to tell those L Word bitches that they too left behind a coconut. Carol and Brandy get off the cart and stand firmly with their hands on their hips. They're waiting for someone to congratulate them for being so thorough and nimble. Mr. Chuckles just smiles and tells them they do not have enough coconuts. Carol kicks him in the shins and Brandy spits in his face. How dare he! Squenching up their faces and pissed at the world, the lesbos get back into the cart and head back to the coconuts. Carol blames Brandy. Brandy blames Carol. Carol sighs and rolls her eyes. Brandy whimpers and wipes some blood off her hand. Time passes so slowly. Slowly enough for Team Cowpat to get a good look at Team L Word eating some crow. There must have been a big Marlboro Man in the sky smiling down at that moment. Red faced and ashamed the lesbians urge their ox forward while, this time, it's Team Cowpat's turn to laugh.


At this point, Team Such As and Team Undercover are out in the water taking care of business. They get their clues and swim back to shore. Caite and Brent are piecing together the map and they see Team Undercover having some trouble. That swimming took a lot out of these two men with heart attacks waiting to happen and Team Such As sees an opportunity to make their one and only strategic move this entire game. You see, Caite hates the evil lesbians with a passion. They made fun of her tiara on day one and Caite will never forget it. Her mission in life is to make the lesbos pay for that remark and be eliminated from the race before she is. Team Such As decide to help Team Undercover with their map. Better to have Team Undercover finish instead of the lesbians. Once at the Pit Stop Team Such As has no problem at all cursing the evil Team L Word. Caite launches into a well prepared tirade about how they made fun of her tiara and Brent, eager to contribute something, says the best line ever, "From what I've heard, it's anonymous." Phil looks at Brent wide eyed and unflinching. Anonymous... what the hell is he talking about? Brent stands there and smiles. He just said something intelligent so he's not gonna say a word. He's simply gonna stand there and soak in the moment. When 10 minutes pass and a word still hasn't been uttered, Brent finally realizes his mistake. He smacks himself in the bangs and says, "Uniamorous. I meant, uniamorous." Phil stabbed himself in the eye and Team Such As and Undercover finish in third and fourth.


It's now down to Team Cowpat and Team L Word. Team Cowpat is dismayed at having to wear board shorts and removing their hats to swim and I finally understand why. It turns out their cowboy hats have magical powers... and hair. As soon as you take their hats away, they morph into freaky looking creeps who look like they went to school on the short bus. Oh please, I'm sure you were thinking the exact same thing. Those boys gotten beaten with the ugly stick and, for some reason, the giant hats lessen the horror. Anyhow, after scaring away all the fish, Team Cowpat races to the Pit Stop without bothering to piece together their map. How very Team Such As of them! Phil says, "Was there something in your bottle?" Jet or Cord says, "Yes, but it was too hard to get out." WTF! I think they've been spending too much time with Team L Word. That's something Carol would say.


OK so now Team Cowpat has to swim all the way out to their boat to get their bottle. It's clear they won't make it back in time and Team L Word lands in 5th place. I knew in that moment that all my readers would be having a hissy fit. You bitches seem to like Team Cowpat for some reason whereas I've always kind of hated them. I had planned on coming in here today and gloating a little bit, but that damn Phil took the wind out of my sails. It turns out it's a nonelimination round and Team Cowpat lives to see another week. By the way, can you imagine if Jeff & Jordan hadn't have come in last last week? Oh. My. God. We would have been stuck with them again and again and again. Seriously, it makes my head spin just to think about it.


So, what did you think of last night's episode? It was pretty great, right? I didn't miss Jejo at all. What do you think of Team L Word? Do you want Caite to get her way and beat them? Can Team Cowpat make up last place? Is Steve a total douche for making Allie race with no clothes? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


Something wonky started happening as I was typing this and I was unable to upload more pictures. I had a great pic of the Marlboro Man too. :-(