Monday, March 15, 2010

I Hate The Smell Of Sulfur In The Morning


Jordan lay drowsily in her bed with the blankets firmly tucked under her many chins. She saw the sunlight peering through her venetian blinds, but she chose to ignore it today. Instead she rolled over, licked her lips, wrapped her bronzed limbs around her many pillows, and tried to dream her favorite dream... a village made of blueberry waffles and gumdrops. A distant land where exercise hasn't been invented yet and where teddy bears come to life. Most importantly, a land where tall beefy men didn't roam... especially bohunks with funny accents who do nothing but bark orders at her all day long. *sigh* Jordan is a simple girl with simple thoughts. A long time ago when Jordan was in kindergarten someone asked her a question. The question was, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" She answered without hesitation, "I want to buy my mama a house and be a dental hygienist." 20 years later she hasn't changed her mind. If she could accomplish those two things - and eat cookie dough while doing them - then she'd be successful. Somehow though she'd gotten off track to fulfilling her lifelong dream. Last summer she managed to get her mama a duplex complete with a washer in the yard and a big green plastic fly swatter on the kitchen wall. She even bought a book about dental hygienistizing. She was living the good life so how is it she ended up here... somewhere in France?

A few months ago some very important people told her to go on a trip around the world with a guy named Jeff. Do whatever he says and let him kiss you whenever he wants were their explicit instructions. At first it sounded like fun, but then she had to jump into a cold lake and climb a hill and her adventure quickly became not so fun. Now she dreads daybreak. She dreads moving vehicles, walking, and having her blood sugar plummet more than occasionally. Luckily, she was able to score some Klonopin and Valium back in Chile. Instead of eating a box of Lucky Charms for breakfast (like she did back in North Carolina), she grinds up fistfuls of downers into a chunky peanut butter and marshmallow smoothie. It's the only way to numb her pain, her disappointment. Sure, she's always nodding off and tripping over things, but sometimes... yes, sometimes... that's the way the cookie crumbles. Let's recap, shall we?

We last left our duos in Hamburg. Land of the hamburgers. Land of rigged game shows. Today though, the teams are being shoved into a bus to god knows where. They're heading south - that's all they know. After careful consideration Jeff concludes they must be heading to either Russia or Sweden. Jordan agrees, unbuttons her top pant button, guzzles down some clonazepam water and passes out. In another section of the bus, Team Wang (Joe & Heidi) is being interviewed. Joe is being asked about his fake knee injury. In response, Mr. Wang beats on his chest (and his mute wife) and declares he ain't afraid of no ghosts. He can run like the wind with only one knee. Imagine what he can do with two knees. A few rows away Team Undercover (Louie & Mike) rolls their eyes and digs out the cocaine they hid in the heels of their shoes. It's a good thing Louie has "connections". A little bump of the white stuff could separate the men from the boys in such a race. Sure, it can also induce a heart attack in men who've lived off of sausage and peppers for the past decade, but why worry about that now? They've got a race to win!


Team Undercover was the first to finish in Hamburg so now they're the first to depart. The clue instructs them to drive to Saint Mephistopheles where they're to buy a fresh baguette. Pumped, high, and dirty the cops take off telling us they thrive in these less than pleasant situations. They're used to not eating, not taking showers, and not being able to change their clothes. When you're doing coke all night down at the docks with your good buddies what's the point in cleanliness? Team Baseball (Steve & Allie), a tad more wholesome, depart right behind Team Undercover. Steve, who quite frankly we know nothing about, is pleased as punch he's the oldest in the race. Allie, his personality-less daughter, tells him he's "rocking it" which tickles Steve pink. At home we all just kind of cringed waiting for the cameras to focus on another team. Maybe there's a reason after all why Team Baseball isn't getting much coverage. Team Wang leaves third and Heidi is convinced they have an upper hand that none of the other teams have. Team Wang has unconditional love... at least that's what Joe coached Heidi to say the night before in their hotel room when Heidi was crouched in a corner clutching her knees and rocking back and forth. So yeah, Team Wang has unconditional love and they're so blessed to be driving in France looking at the countryside wondering where the nearest women's shelter is.



Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord) naturally has no idea what a baguette is while Team L Word (Carol & Brandy) is busy declaring war on every team that's not them. Brandy throws around her high shool French while Carol half beams/half rolls her eyes from the backseat. Oh yeah, this relationship will last. Team Jooj (Dan & Gay Jordan), on the other hand, is in a world of Gay Jordan's devising. He's on his own timeline that consists of talking all the time, adjusting his cravat and beret, and trying to inject as many one liners in as he can. The race is secondary in Gay Jordan's mind. Fashion, form, and function come first. Once they've mastered their look for the day and adopted a catch phrase then they're free to race. Having decided on a fetching pair of white knickers Gay Jordan proudly states, "It's about not getting eliminated... and looking fashionable while doing it." or something like that.


Team Undercover arrives at the Boulangerie and quickly discovers the next clue is hidden inside the baguette. The clue says to drive to the Land of Massages (La Main de Massiges) to find yet another clue. Team Such As is now departing and they've adopted a new philosophy - details! Details, details, details. From here on out, they'll always ask directions, always read and reread the clues, and always always always find a way to fuck it all up. After getting directions from a gas station they speed off to the Boulangerie where the pageant princess assures us she's gonna eat the shit out of that baguette. She's gonna deepthroat that concoction of flour, water, and salt like nobody's business! We can't wait.



At this point Team Undercover is already at the Detour. The choices are In The Trenches or Under Fire. In In The Trenches, teams have to decipher Morse code and deliver it to a French soldier. In Under Fire, teams have to crawl across a field under mortar fire, retrieve a message, crawl back, and attach the message to a pigeon. As Morse code is like Sanskrit, a dead language, every team chooses to do Under Fire. Team Undercover, who for some reason is under the impression they're Jason Bourne in their real lives, proclaim they're used to the conditions in Under Fire. Everyday on the streets of NYC they're caught in a hail of bullets with planes whizzing by overhead while crawling on their stomachs clutching a rifle. Rrrrrrright. Not 10 ft into the crawl Louie is wheezing and clutching his heart begging for a Nitro drip. Clearly, he's used to this. Clearly, this is a mirror image of his day job. Whatever. Dude's day job consists of cutting the coke in the evidence bag and keeping the pure product for himself. I've seen Rush. I know what goes down.



Back at the Boulangerie, Teams Wang, L Word, Cowpat, and Such As have now retrieved their clues. Caite, as she promised us, devours her baguette in a vision of pure princess mastication that has to be seen to be believed. Meanwhile Team Big Brother is only now reading their clue. It took Jeff a while to smack Jordan awake back in the bus. In his best French, Jeff reads the clue and points saying, "We have to go... there!" Jordan yawned and fluttered her heavily hooded eyelids. "Can I get food there?", she asks. "Yeah, I think they sell Boulangeries there. You can eat one of those. Now come on Jordan... get up off the ground. You have to drive me around. Let's dance!" Pulling Jordan by her ponytail Jeff manages to situate her in the drivers seat. "Now drive me... let's dance!", Jeff demands. Jordan covers her mouth and yawns. Her arms as heavy as twenty bricks of cookie dough ever... so... slowly... begin... to... steer... the... car. *yawn* I'm getting tired just typing this.



Jejo encounter a traffic circle and the fifth time around Jeff suddenly realizes that he's seen those buildings before. I think he quoted a Vacation movie or something. I'm not familiar with the quote myself, but all the cat ladies on Twitter squealed in delight and sent him messages referring to it so I guess it happened. All I know is I heard Shaneequah telling Jeff to "say something funny quick honkey boy!" and apparently he did. I didn't laugh. I'm much too high brow for National Lampoon movies. My tastes are far more refined. I prefer to quote masterpieces like Coyote Ugly or Center Stage. Had Jeff said, "Yeah, the court ordered her to take anger-management classes after she pummeled a customer for grabbin' her ass. He pressed charges, I gave her a raise. Cheers!" I would have laughed heartily. Instead he quoted a movie I didn't know, belittled Jordan, and shouted "Let's dance!" a few more times. Blah.




Team Wang are now at the Detour and Joe has bravely decided to do Under Fire. Heidi flitted around worrying about his knee, but Joe just kicked her in the ribs and that shut her up. No one can tell Joe what he can or can't do... especially his wife! Crawling on the ground in the mud is perfectly safe for a fake knee injury and no one can tell him otherwise. While crawling on all fours Joe announces that he's used to that position. We all kind of chuckled thinking, "Duh". Mistress Domina puts him in that position at their weekly sessions. Joe's into ball torture and humiliation. It's tough being a confident self-assured not-so-successful Asian man with a small pecker and a mute wife. Only Mistress Domina knows how to put him in his place. So yeah, he's used to crawling around on all fours... only he usually has a ball gag in his mouth.




Team Undercover has now finished the Detour and freed France. On their way to the next clue they encounter a Blind U-Turn. They can now make one team go back and do the Morse Code Detour. It's kind of a no brainer really. That Joe Wang is a thorn in everybody's side with his confidence and gloating. He needs to be knocked off his pedestal and brought back down to reality. Team Undercover decides to U-Turn Team Wang. Initially, I giggled and thought it was funny and then a thought entered my mind... what if that U-Turn is a cleverly designed ploy to keep Jeff and Jordan in the game? Nah... that's crazy talk. CBS wouldn't do that.




Team L Word is now at the Detour and they're so not thrilled. Mud, dirt, loud noises, things exploding around them... this isn't what they signed up for! They only want to do pretty challenges where they get to travel down quaint streets and maybe do some shopping at Chanel and enjoy some coq au vin or something. How dare The Amazing Race make them get their organic cotton cropped workout pants dirty! Traveling around the world is supposed to be filled with cute little Venetian pensiones, catching the Dali exhibit in Amsterdam, smoking hash on the wall of the papal palace in Avignon, and sipping wine languidly by a swan filled lake in the tiny town of Hallstatt, Austria... or so I've heard. This constant running around and breaking a sweat isn't their idea of fun at all. I'm thinking Brandy must have totally lied to Carol when she pitched the idea of doing The Amazing Race. I'm envisioning late night pillow talks with Brandy promising day trips on yachts in Mikonos and dirt cheap jewelry shopping in Istanbul. How else would Carol have agreed to go on such an adventure that didn't offer fresh sushi daily or spa treatments administered by hot french girls named Bernadette or Maxine? I can't for the life of me figure out why these two high maintenance bitches are even on this show.




While all the other teams are crawling in the mud and avoiding mortar attacks, Team Big Brother is blissfully unaware that they're about halfway to Florence right now. Jeff wearing his condom hat in the backseat smacks Jordan on the shoulder - his reasoning is twofold. One, he wants to wake her up and two, he needs her to stop the car so he can ask directions. Jeff gets out of the car, discovers he's in Italy, and asks a passerby how to get back to France. "Pizza... spaghetti... calzone?" he asks. The Italian points him North and miraculously Jejo make their way to the Boulangerie. Jeff drags a shuffling Jordan into the tiny shop by the straps of her backpack. Once inside Jordan crumbles to the floor and uses a sack of flour for a pillow. Jeff snorts in disapproval and demands the French baker give him a baguette with a clue. Pierre obliges and hands over the bread to which Jeff says, "And where's my fucking clue asshole? I'm supposed to get a clue... is this bread fresh?! I don't think it's fresh you yo-yo. Let's dance!" Pierre just stares and smiles. He's done his job. Why this rude young man keeps yelling at him and asking him to dance is a mystery. Jeff searches high and low for the clue. It's not in the bread box. It's not in the croissant dough. It's not on the crepe skillet. Maybe Jordan can help him find it. He kicks her awake and she reluctantly gets up. All that diazepam has given her cotton mouth so she grabs the baguette and starts eating. Jeff just glares at her in disapproval. "How long do I have to keep pretending I like her?", he thinks to himself. He rubs his chin and starts to plot ways to bump off Jordan. If only death by cookie dough were possible... Suddenly, the sound of Jordan choking snaps him back to reality. She's got something in her throat. He's tempted to let her die, but decides that wouldn't look too good on camera. He halfheartedly gives Jordan the heimlich maneuver where she coughs out the clue... the very clue they need to proceed. Jordan lazily smiles and swallows 3 more alporazepams. "Let's dance!", Jeff shouts.




Team Wang is now discovering they've been U-Turned. As Steve & Allie don't have a malicioius bone in their bodies, Team Wang knows it was Team Undercover who did it. Bastards! Heidi breaks down into a pile of tears. She thought the cops were nice. She thought they could be trusted. She never thought they could be the type of guys to do something so evil or steal cocaine from criminals to distribute themselves. Don't they know how pissed off Joe is going to get now? He'll have to start seeing Mistress Domina twice a week now. Of course Heidi knows about Mistress Domina and of course she doesn't complain. Those 90 minute sessions every Friday are the only "me time" she has in her life. So actually, come to think of it, twice a week sessions might not be so bad. Maybe there's a way she can ensure that happens...


Off enjoying their post nasal drip, the cops are now changing out of their war gear and into some turn of the century bike riding bloomers. They've been instructed to ride 4 miles to the finish line where they'll find the next Pit Stop. Louie pops a couple Lipitor, charges his pace maker, and the boys get pedaling. Somehow their hearts survive and they finish in first place where they howl inexplicably and are informed they've just won a 55 inch HD TV. They're proud to represent law enforcement all over the country. Ummm yeah ok. Every person sitting at home who read that TMZ story just kind of cringed in that moment thinking to themselves, "They better not be representing law enforcement everywhere!"



Back at the battlefield Team L Word is still complaining and trying to stay clean. Team Such As has now arrived and Caite is super pumped. She may have the worst manners on the planet and be as dumb as a box of rocks, but I've kind of got to hand it to her for her enthusiasm. Compared to the lesbians, she approaches the challenges with gusto and I can't really make fun of her for that. Meanwhile Brandy is bitching, "Smart people do Morse code. Stupid people do this." Yeah well just tell that to Team Wang who have just discovered that the Morse code is lightening fast and next to impossible to solve. Very clever CBS... very clever. Heidi thinks she heard the letter 'V' somewhere nestled in the message so naturally they guess, "Vive le liberte." It kind of made sense to guess that. Too bad it's wrong.




Team L Word, Team Cowpat, and Team Jooj have by now all finished the Under Fire challenge. Team Jooj lost in their own thoughts take a leisurely stroll to the next clue. Team Cowpat, seeing an opening to pull ahead one spot, jog by them not really understanding why Team Jooj feels so comfortable they can walk. As much as I hate to say it, I agree with Team Cowpat. Team Jooj isn't there to win. They're not even there to travel. Dan hates traveling. They're there so Gay Jordan can say clever quips about fashion-y things and try to be the next Carson Kressley. I mean, that's the only reason I can think of. His mission is to try to be clever, say funny things about how he prefers swords to guns, and look fabulous while doing it. I have yet to see a real fire inside these two. In the end, Team Baseball finishes 2nd, Team Cowpat jumps ahead of Team Jooj in 3rd, and Team Jooj stay in 4th not really giving a fig.



While teams were finishing and accomplishing things, Jeff and Jordan only now just arrive at the Detour. Before they can pick a challenge they have to complete their Speed Bump for coming in last last week. The Speed Bump is really hard and challenging. They have to stick some branches in mud. Touche CBS. Jordan, stoned out of her mind, can barely put her pants on. Her shoelaces are hanging out, her hat is falling off her head, and she put her jacket on inside out. Jeff just glares at her disapprovingly and says, "What's wrong with you?" At this point Jordan has had about enough of Jeff's attitude so she marches off to settle in for a nice nap in the middle of a field. Her boots are half hanging off her feet, she's got drool coming off her chin, and she can't really feel her face. Jeff sees that Team Wang are still doing their challenge so he yells at Jordan to get up and get her act together. She screams back, "Don't talk to me!" Way to go Jordan! You tell him. You take all the time you want princess. Don't let him push you around.




While Jordan was busy throwing a hazy and half-assed temper tantrum, Caite and Brent were busy cruising by all the clues and racing to the finish line. In the midst of Caite's excitement for things exploding, Team Such As forgot their motto - "Details". The clue told them to head south down the road and they weren't sure if that meant head south or head south-like. Honestly, I don't know what the hell they were talking about when they were staring at their watch trying to figure out directions. All I know is they skipped a clue and now they have to ride back and retrieve it. Phil and his humongous pants and Members Only jacket won't check in a team unless they have all their clues.




Jeff somehow manages to finish dressing Jordan and he pushes her down into the trenches. Her hat keeps falling and her fingers are making really cool trails so she's basically off doing her own thing during the Speed Bump. Jeff sticks some branches into the mud, CBS gives the French soldier the ok, and now they're off to the Detour. Jeff is thrilled to see Team Wang still there. He tells Jordan to pick which challenge they should do. She says, "The sleeping one." Jeff says, "There is no sleeping one you yo-yo! Pick one. Let's dance!" She picks Under Fire because she's simply too exhausted to try to translate Morse code. Little does she realize that Under Fire requires effort. Her shoes begin to slip off, her hat blows away, her gun begins to hit her in the face... she's a big fucking mess and Jeff is having none of it. He screams, "Why are you moving so slow?!? Let's dance!" In an interview to us, Jeff says he's got a 1 in 8 chance of winning a million. You'd think Jordan would have a little more hop in her step at those odds. Dude, Jordan doesn't give a shit about winning. She already got her mom a house. She already bought herself a book about dental hygienistizing. She wouldn't have the foggiest idea how to spend another half a mil. And it was in that moment that we knew... we had always kind of suspected but now we know for sure... Jeff is only there for the money. He's not in love with Jordan just like Jordan isn't in love with him. CBS wants their golden boy to make some cash and, unfortunately, he can't do it without Jordan. Forever he'll be part of "Jeff and Jordan". He'll never be "Just Jeff". The cat ladies would turn on him and call for his head on a stake if he ever became "Just Jeff". He's locked into this twosome for life... or at least until TAR 16 stops airing. He'll wise up eventually and dump his doughy counterpart. She can't get him anymore tv deals after this, right? God, I hope not.




Somehow Jeff manages to drag Jordan through the mud. I mean that figuratively and literally. I'm clever like that. He delivers the message that the war is over and he blames a napping Jordan as the reason why they took so long. Team Wang is watching all this go down and they're not pleased at all. They've tried every French phrase starting with 'V' ("Vive le France", "Vive le liberte", "Voulez vous coucher avec moi") and now they're cold and hungry so they decide the best idea is to huddle up in a mud embankment and hold each other tearfully. Team Big Brother take off on their bikes while the Wangs burble and cry.




Team Such As actually managed to ride 12 miles on their bikes and still finish before Team Big Brother. They are now in 6th place and Caite is thrilled. In the end, Jeff and Jordan ride up into 7th place meaning they're safe for another week. A super easy Speed Bump, a cleverly placed U-Turn, and a lightening quick unsolvable Morse code will do that you know. As usual, Jordan could care less and wonders how long it'll be before she can get some dinner... and smack. Jeff dutifully obeys Shaneequa hollering at him in his ear bud and he begrudgingly gives Jordan a kiss. Jordan wipes it off with the back of her hand and yawns. Team Wang has been eliminated from The Amazing Race.




Soooo what did you guys think of last night? Is there any team that strikes you as having that burning inner desire to win? How many more Hail Mary's can CBS toss to Jeff and Jordan? Will Louie have a heart attack? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


(I love you too Tiz)


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