So last night I was hanging out with some buddies (Sylvia Browne, James Van Praague, John Edwards, Chip Coffey, Patricia Arquette) having a few cocktails and musing about how awesome we all are. We tried to watch the Oscars, but when you have a bunch of magical psychics together in one room, the show just isn't all that exciting. Although I have to admit that when Chip channeled Farrah and threw that ginormous hissy fit, we were all in hysterics. A short stocky bald man playing with his feathered hair is a spectacle indeed! You've never quite experienced bliss until you've seen James Van Praague shoot gin out of his nose. Anyhow, after the big award show was over we went around the room and took turns making lofty predictions. I'm thinking Sylvia totally half assed it when she predicted another earthquake, but I think John was right on the nose when he said that someone with a 'R' name was going to get a phone call tomorrow. James was a little more grim as he saw Olivia DeHavilland, who is so utterly fabulous, going gentle into that good night (Check out my Death Pool at the Bitchy Network!). Chip said Heath was taking care of Boner and Patricia shuddered as she realized her show might be canceled. I was the last one to speak. As a newcomer to this exclusive group I was very nervous and unsure of myself. I straightened my gown, stood in the middle of the room and said, "I predict those fuckfaces Jeff and Jordan will come in last place and it will conveniently be a nonelimination round." The room fell silent. It seemed like hours before someone finally said anything. With a hacking smoker's cough breaking the silence Sylvia said, "Toots, I think you're on to something." Let's recap, shall we?
As Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord) was the first to finish they are now the first to depart. The clue tells them to fly to Frankfurt and catch a train to Hamburg, Germany. Once in Hamburg they have to find Jagermeister St. and get their next clue. I've actually been to Frankfurt. A junkie with oozing sores on her face begged me for money at the train station one summer. I kicked her in the cooch and told her to shut up. We've been lifelong friends ever since. Ok, so Team Cowpat decides to stop at a travel agency and get their tickets. They're told their plane doesn't leave until the next morning and all teams are pretty much now on a level playing field. They get on various flights with different layovers and connections, but everyone arrives in Frankfurt at about the same time. Unfortunately, catching a train to Hamburg is harder than it looks (no, it's not) and Brandy, teetering ever so delicately on the edge of sanity, breaks down into a tearful plea for death and vegan scones when she misses her train by 10 seconds. She contemplates jumping into the tracks, but it strikes her that she could get hurt and get her cropped workout pants dirty so she nixes the idea and lets Carol, who came armed with Xanax for such occasions, carry her onto the next adventure.
Team Cowpat arrives at the clue and it's an Intersection. Oooooh that's exciting and new! Teams have to work together to complete the challenge as opposed to apart. Visions of Hayley Mills singing "Let's Get Together" danced in my head and I sighed because I was never sent to camp to find my long lost twin, but I digress. Team Cowpat and Team Undercover (Michael & Louie) are the only ones at the clue box so pickings are pretty slim. Jet and Michael look at each other, shrug, and link arms to skip off in search of cranes hanging out at great heights.
Back in Frankfurt Team Wang (Joe & Heidi) and Team Baseball (Steve & Allie) are busy bonding over cul-de-sacs and Home Owner's Associations. They both belong to country clubs and think the Olive Garden is for peasants so they team up into one big and awkward "We Come From Good Families" Team. They're church going God fearing folk with BMW's in the garage and kids in private school so it's pretty much a match made in heaven for these four adventure seekers. Together they accost a creepy curly haired man in a too large trench coat. His name is Klaus and he's making obscene finger gestures to Allie, but who cares? He knows the way to Hamburg and that's all that matters right now. Klaus shimmies out of his trousers on the train preparing to delight Heidi with his wienerschnitzel, but time's a' wasting and Joe and Allie have a crane to leap off of. Heidi and Steve entrust Klaus with the loves of their lives and Team BaseWangBalls races to to the bungee site.
Like Team BaseWangBalls, Team L Word and Team Jooj (Dan & Gay Jordan) are becoming fast friends and partnering up. It turns out that Brandy is the gay aunt Dan always wanted and never had. He used to sit up at nights dreaming of a short haired sexually ambiguous mentor to take him to Home Depot on the weekends. He had to. It's not like he could look to Gay Jordan to teach him how to be a man. His dad took off in the middle of the night back in '89 with a waitress named Desiree from the Howard Johnson's so nocturnal lesbian dreaming was all he really had. Thank Ellen, he got his very own lesbo delivered to him via The Amazing Race. What are the odds? It's at this point that we learn how Team L Word actually went bungee jumping before the show started so they'd know what to expect and not freak out. I love that! I've been saying all along that people need to prepare for whatever show they're going on. Teams should be in shape, aware that heights and water will come up at some point, and always have plenty of clean stylish underwear at their disposal. At some point every season someone always ends up in their skivvies. Best to be prepared. Ok so Team L Word has jumped before and survived. Sure, Brandy had to be committed to the "high risk" wing at McLean, but it was no biggie. Nothing a thorazine drip couldn't fix. Carol decides Brandy shall jump again and we all just kind of giggled inside and leaned in a little closer to the tv screen. This should be fun.
It's at this point that the Rhodes Scholars grace our screen. Team Big Brother and Team Such As have found a common ground, stupidity, and they've decided that working together is the way to go. They have lots in common. You know, things like missing freeway exits, taking the wrong trains, always leaving the wrong tip in restaurants. accidentally reading books upside down... stuff like that. Jeff straps his giant woolen condom onto his head, reads the clue, "Who wants to reach new heights?", and declares, "It's gonna be up high yo-yo's!". Yes Jeff, heights means up high. Thank you. And when you throw in "yo-yo" menopausal women all over the world shriek in delight. *vomit* As the boys of this new Team Einstein are chicken shits, Jordan and Caite decide to do the challenge and take off in search of a subway (Jordan was trying to find a sandwich, but Caite was looking for a train). It's a good thing Caite has her wits about her. She's lived in New York and knows her way around a subway system. I have to interrupt this to say that reading a fucking subway map is seriously no big deal. I've taken metros in Paris, Rome, and London by myself and never once did I get lost. I got accosted and felt up, but never lost. Anyhow, Caite the Fulbright Scholar gets on a train to Narnia and Team Einstein is now in trouble. Once they go through that closet it's pretty hard to get back out.
Jet and Michael have just arrived at the bungee site where immediately Jet refuses to take off his hat. Apparently, it's cowboy lore that hat removal results in your penis falling off or something. As Jet has yet to experience sex, he'd like to hang on to Mr. Willy for a little longer so the hat stays. They jump and, lo and behold, the hat stays firmly affixed. Gorilla Glue will do that. Seriously, have you ever tried to glue someone's testicles to their leg with Gorilla Glue? I may or may not have heard somewhere that it's a handy form of revenge. Or maybe it's just good to glue back together things that are broken... I'm not sure. Anyhow Team UnderCowpat finishes their jump and race back to get the next clue. They're instructed to find the Kaiser Wilhelm statue and that teams are no longer intersected.
Now Team BaseWangBalls and Dan & his lesbian aunt arrive at the bungee site. BaseWangBalls jump without incident and Brandy promptly goes into a panic attack. Carol had instructed Dan beforehand on how to handle such a scene so Dan grabs Brandy by her head, prys open her mouth, and shoves a fistful of Xanax and a box of wine inside. Brandy violently shakes and kicks as Dan sits on her waiting for the benzos to kick in. Brandy reluctantly relaxes and prepares to meet her own demise on the bungee cord. Dan leaps for the both of them with Brandy shrieking bloody murder all the way down. She lived and we all just kind of groaned. As entertaining as her screaming was, I was more delighted by the post interview. Carol & Brandy are sitting together and Brandy is foaming at the mouth over how chivalrous Dan is. The entire time Carol just sat there giving us the stink eye. You know Brandy is bisexual, right? It's so deliciously clear that this fact drives Carol to drink... heavily. Awesome.
Ok so at the Kaiser Wilhelm statue Team Undercover has encountered a Detour. It's Soccer or Sauerkraut. In Soccer, teams have to kick 5 balls at targets. In Sauerkraut, teams have to eat a plate of sauerkraut faster than it takes to play the Sauerkraut Polka. Survivors ready, go! Undercover, being giant bellied doughnut eating cops, choose Sauerkraut. They see the plate placed before them and balk, "This is it?". Mike pretty much inhales it in under 10 seconds while Louie didn't really care for it. He's more of a beer man than a sauerkraut man. They get their next clue and go off in search of the Shark Bar. I think I once drank at a Shark Bar. It was at a beach somewhere and the night ended with me topless hanging out of a limo shouting, "Stop tickling me!". Good times.
OK so all teams are done jumping. Caite loved it and chalks it up as being the best experience of her life. She smiles and waves slowly at all the good people of Germany. She may not have won that pageant way back when, but she's won at life just now and bitch is gonna milk it for all it's worth. Meanwhile Jordan just yawns and wonders what time dinner is. Seriously, is Jordan the most bored person in the race or what? It's like she's doped up on Lithium and numb to everything around her. As a matter of fact, I bet I can smack her in the face with a frying pan and she wouldn't notice. Someone put that on my list of Things To Do or my Bucket List or my Amazon List or my Bitches To Kill list. I'm a list person, what can I say?
Team Undercover, miles ahead of everyone else, arrive at the Shark Bar and someone shouts, "Take your tits out!". Oh wait, I think I'm mixing up my Shark Bar story with their Shark Bar story. When you drink as much gin as I do, that's bound to happen. Alright so Mario and Luigi have to drink a beer out of a giant boot. Hooray! Beer! Luigi is stoked, but Mario is still stuffed from all the sauerkraut so he lets Luigi takes the wheel on this one. No problemo. Beer to Luigi is like cookie dough to Jordan. The crowd pounds on their tables and shouts, "Chug, chug, chug!" and chug he does. Beer go bye bye. Now they have to race to the Red Light District, shag a hooker and dress up like a Beatle... or something like that. Who knows? Who cares? All you need to know is they finish in first place and win $5000 apiece. Nice.
Way back at the Kayser Soze statue Teams Wang, Baseball, Cowpat, and Such As all decide to do the soccer. Joe Wang starts kicking his balls, but they all go every which way but the target so he invents a knee injury and drags his silent frightened wife off to do the Sauerkraut challenge. Hey Heidi, just give me the signal and I'll call that Women's Shelter right quick. I've got them on speed dial just for you. Team Baseball, on the other hand, are quite sporty and used to playing with balls. They finish the challenge with Team Cowpat finishing right behind them. Team Such As, however, still hasn't even arrived at the soccer field. Caite is all paranoid about getting lost again so she insists they ask at least 10 locals beforehand to verify the directions. She thanks each and every one of them by saying, "Muchas gracias." ;-)
While everyone is busy kicking balls and drinking beer, Jejo is sitting in the back of a cab heading to Lisbon or Helsinki. Who knows? Jeff is too busy telling Jordan she has to shovel the sauerkraut as fast as she can to notice that the Eiffel Tower, The Acropolis, and San Marco are all whizzing by outside. They're about halfway to Morocco before Jeff realizes that something isn't right. "Hey, was that a camel I just saw?", he asks the driver. "Nein. It vas German Shepherd. Vee still in Germany. Shut up und let me drive." Jeff doesn't quite believe this driver (named Hans by the way... yes, my Hans... the one I called back in December... mwahahaha!) Everything is going according to plan. *throws another puppy on the fire* I lit a cigarette and giggled to myself. I'm a genius! Just as I was about to make an ivory statue in my own honor, I hear a producer breaking into Jeff's earbud feed. I had jammed it with white noise, but CBS brought NASA in and now my plan is foiled. The producer I've named Shaneequa starts shouting to Jeff, "Stop that driver jive turkey! You fools are in northern Africa. Turn around!" Dammit.
Back in Hamburg, Team Baseball is now arriving at the Shark Bar. Steve couldn't be happier. He's been jonesing for a drink this entire trip so he snatches the boot from Allie and chugs it all before she can get any. No daughter of his is going to be a drunk like him. Boom. Done. Second place.
Team Wang has finally arrived at the sauerkraut challenge. Being a good well rounded respectable family they're used to tailgating and junk like that so they're no strangers to sauerkraut. The simply pretend they're back at Homecoming weekend at their alma mater and voila! Sauerkraut all gone. Team L Word is up next and Brandy announces she loves sauerkraut. We all know she's cuckoo for cocoa puffs so I half expected her to vomit sauerchunks midway, but the bitch surprised us all and finished.
Team Cowpat is now arriving at the Shark Bar and Jet utters a phrase I've never heard escape from the lips of a man in his 20's. He says, "I've never drank a beer in my whole life!" What. The. Fuck. Didn't he try to smuggle a six pack into his Junior Prom or go to Daytona for Spring Break? For Christ's sake, don't cowboys at the end of a long day of rustling or wrestling or wrastling (I don't know how to spell it) kick back with a nice tall one while telling stories under a full moon? What planet is Jet from? Cord, bless his heart, seems just as amused as we are so he decides Jet should drink the majority of the beer. I penned a quick thank you note to Cord, but ripped it up when I saw him purse his lips and crinkle his nose at the taste of beer. Pussies. Eventually, they finish and they find the Beatles and whatnot cruising into 4th place right behind Team Wang.
Team Big Brother have finally made their way back from the Dark Continent and are now sitting in the Sauerkraut Challenge. Jeff demands that the band play extra slow (Does this guy even know the word "please"?) so he and his doughy counterpart can finish the food in time. My good friend Gerta just happens to be in the band so naturally they play it in double time. Jordan holds her nose and covers her ears while she tries to eat. For some reason, she's into a whole sensory deprivation thing that I'm not quite understanding. In the end, they fail (YES!) and give up to go to the soccer instead. Jeff announces to the night sky, "We're so stupid!" *pause for dramatic effect* I beam from ear and ear as a Demi Moore-like tear falls slowly down my face. There is so much beauty in that statement you don't even understand. It was in that moment that the world finally made sense to me. All the mysteries about life, men, women, anger, joy, sadness, birth, death... all of it came to me in that one instant. It's the circle of life and hakuna matata and my Oprah Aha Moment all rolled into one. Life. I get it. Thank you Jeff.
After a bout with cramps or appendicitis Team Such As manages to finish the soccer challenge. It shouldn't have been as difficult as it was for these two Barbies. You see, Caite has been playing professional soccer since she was five. She's the one who taught Beckham how to bend it. It should have been a snap, but it wasn't. She was overcome with a piercing pain I didn't quite really understand. It made her writhe and cry and I began to wonder if she had the same crazy disease Brandy has. She refuses to give up though. I'll give her that much. That stubborn streak of hers has served her well in this game.
Team Such As head on over to Sky Bar while Team L Word and Team Jooj finish in 5th and 6th place respectively. Caite doesn't do beer. She prefers champagne cocktails and tequila shots out of guys belly buttons so Brent gets to work drinking. Looks like big ole bohunk Brent was never in a frat because the beer just doesn't seem to be going down well at all. Poor boy pukes it all up out in back of the bar while Caite just sits and laughs at him with all the locals. Eventually, they finish and are stunned to discover at the Pit Stop that they are not in last place. Caite cries and does her pageant wave. She's almost positive America sees her as a smart person now.
This leaves us with one lonely team left. One sad ineffective moronic learning disabled team. Jeff and Jordan have somehow managed to put one foot in front of the other and finish the soccer challenge. They even managed to make their way to Le Deux and guzzle down that beer. Jeff was beside himself to drink that beer by the way. All the stress of his phony relationship is really starting to get to him and sometimes hops and yeast are the perfect answer to everything. Regardless, it all comes down to one thing: The golden couple are in last place...
Back at CBS Headquarters the alarms began to sound. Large steel doors began to inexplicably shut. Thomas Crowne stole a painting. Obama was sent up in Air Force One. Somewhere in Marakesh Jason Bourne got an urgent Facebook message... and promptly deleted it. It was chaos in the streets of Islamabad. Mosques and dojo's around the world held candlelight vigils. Bruce Willis was sent up to outer space with Billy Bob Thornton calling all the shots. Somewhere on the streets of Berlin Lola just kept running. Jake Gyllenhaal grabbed Emmy Rossum's hand and off they ran in search of warmer climates, in search of Dennis Quaid. Rosemary had her baby and a malnourished wet girl clawed her way out of a well. It was bedlam I tell you, pure bedlam. How, oh how, can we keep Jeff and Jordan in the game?
The answer is simple my lovely readers. It's so painfully simple. It's so fucking simple I even called it last week. I didn't use a crystal ball or my divining rods. Ok so maybe I did so some peyote, but that was more for mind expansion than anything else. The answer, my friends, is hiding in Phil's giant pants. The answer is blowing in the wind. Someone with a giant head and too much money back at CBS Headquarters sent Phil an urgent telegram on the TAR set. Nonelimination Round was all it said. See? Simple. Let them stay. Let them stay for one more week of menopausal cat lady ratings. CBS can call it the Coup Das Boot! They've saved Jeff once before with a clever edit and good lighting. They can do it again.
No, no, N-O, NO, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I object! Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! Motherfuckers...
With that, my bitches, I leave you with one word:
Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Survivor fans be sure to check out the Bitchy Survivor Blog and if anyone cares to chat some more about life, death, art, literature, Bravo reality shows, or why the world makes no sense feel free to join the Bitchy Network. I've just launched my new book club so be sure to check in the Literati Bitches group to find out my steamy selection.