Monday, March 1, 2010

We Should Never Reproduce!

I've written and rewritten this first paragraph about 3 times already. My first paragraph is always a delicious mouth watering deep fried appetizer of goodness and diabetes designed to get everyone in the mood for what's coming. Today my deep frier is broken and Dusty is on vacation. He's the one who rolls the paragraph in butter and sin, not me. I'm too angelic for such tasks. I only touch sin with a ten foot pole and then I squeal offensively while trying to shake it off. Anyhow, I was trying to find a delicate way to gloat, but gloating and delicacy don't seem to go hand in hand so I'll just go ahead and get on with what I'm trying to say. About 2 1/2 months ago I started tweeting some TAR spoilers. My readers appreciated it and we had a gay old time laughing at my silly attempts at foreign languages. You see, wherever Jeff and Jordan went I'd call in some favors to my international contacts instructing them to thwart Jejo in any way possible. Esteban in Santiago was most disappointing.

One one cold and windy day in December I tweeted about Team Big Brother being spotted in Germany. I contacted my buddy Hans and told him in German to beat Jejo with sausages when he saw them. It was retweeted and retweeted and retweeted eventually reaching every TAR Message Board in existence. You'd think they'd be happy for the information, but nooooooo... the response was one of anger. I was called a liar amongst some other very lovely terms of endearment. People I'd never even heard of were writing me demanding I show them pictures. One person sent me a stream of angry tweets wanting to know who my source was. Sorry bitches, but I never rat out a source. One day, out of curiosity, I visited one of these TAR message boards to see what the little folk were saying. Needless to say, the comments weren't exactly filled with rainbows and love. They were bitter, angry, jealous, and hateful. My reputation as a valid source of CBS info was called into question and I was less than pleased.

I told myself to ignore the haters knowing that all will be revealed and I'll emerge triumphant in the end. Well, bitches, that time is now. To every single person who doubted Jeff and Jordan made it to Germany... lean in so you hear this... FUCK OFF AND DIE! Take your Jejo glossies and pillows and stuffed animals and whatever else you've crafted with their faces on it and shove them, violently, up your asses. Contact Michele Noonan for instructions on how to do it without injuring your intestines. Jeff and Jordan survived Argentina and guess where they're headed next you sad sacks of shit? Hamburg! And where is Hamburg? Germany, you fucktards. GERMANY. To each and every rabid cat lady Jejo fan: Ich hoffe, Sie alle in einem riesigen Bottich mit Ihrem eigenen Kot sterben.

Let's recap, shall we?

We've spent entirely way too much time in Chile. Besides an earthquake is coming so let's get the fuck out of Dodge and head to Argentina. Argentina, the land of... Argentinians or something. Team Cowpat was the first to finish so now they're the first to depart. The clue tells them to take a bus to find the Travelocity gnome playing poker where Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid hung out. Wouldn't you know it? Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid is Team Cowpat's favorite movie. Of course it is. What a coincidence! It's a good thing this leg of the race has nothing to do with horses, lassos, or ranches. If that happened, I might wonder who Team Cowpat is in bed with at CBS. Jet or Cord (who really cares which is which?) says, "I don't remember the gnome being in the movie." and we're off...

Well, I thought we were off. Turns out Team Such As (Brent & Caite) is bent over a toilet puking their guts out. They think it's food poisoning, but I think it's the evil Jejo Virus. It makes you puke out any common sense you ever had, change your avatars to Jejo stills, and rewatch the BB11 feed over and over and over and over again until Jejo are all you can think about, all you can dream of, and all your life will amount to. It's a vicious debilitating disease that'll break the strongest of menopausal women. It's a good thing Caite is nowhere near menopause because we might just be planning her funeral right about now. Brent and Caite head to the emergency room, missing their departure time, and get hooked up to IV's of Anti-Jejo Antidote. It's slightly acidic and burns like the raging fires of hell. Let me tell you, the Jejo Virus is not to be taken lightly. In the end, Brent and Caite survive. They're a little worse for wear, but they get right back into the race and even manage to get on a bus with Team Undercover (Michael and Louie). I've got to give them some credit here. My stomach so much as growls and I'm whining about it for days demanding oxycodone smoothies. No way in hell I would have been able to sit on a bus for 6 hours after puking all night in a Chilean hotel room. I tip my hat to you Team Such As.

Back at the bus terminal Team Cowpat is hanging out waiting to depart. All was quiet and still... until the March Of The Lesbians (as a matter of fact I think Morgan Freeman is even narrating it). They entered to an acoustic Melissa Etheridge riff, hands on hips, short pixie haircuts not blowing in the wind, and all they want is answers. They grabbed those cowboys by their giant lapels, smashed them up against the plexiglass bus terminal window, and demanded to know how they got to Puerta Varas ahead of everyone else in the last leg. They were scary and smelled a little of patchouli and sandalwood, but Team Cowpat was mum. Their Christian unbringing taught them never to look a gay in the eye or offer one any assistance so they simply stood their ground and waited for the bus to carry them and their ginormous hats away.

The teams begin to arrive in Bariloche, Argentina where they have to play poker against that creepy Travelocity gnome. Seriously, I don't trust that thing. Have you ever looked into it's eyes? It has no soul I tell you, no soul. Teams Wang(Joe & Heidi) and L Word (Carol & Brandy) are wise to Team Cowpat's magical powers so they decide to trail Team Cowpat all the way to the Road Block. Team Cowpat might not be as dumb as I had initially thought because they decide to pull over and feign being lost simply to throw the other teams off their scent (manure and hay). Once at the poker table, Team Cowboys silly reindeer games were basically all for naught as Team Wang and Team L Word manage to beat the gnome quickly. Team Cowpat, like me, is thrown off by the gnomes untrustworthy eyebrows and they end up having to play multiple hands.

Teams Wang and L Word (seriously, how ironic is it that they're working together?) followed by Team Cowpat arrive at the next Road Block. Wouldn't you know it? It's lassoing. It's like someone read a cowboy handbook while designing the Argentinian leg. Team L Word is rightfully pissed and begins hurling Ani DiFranco CD's at both the cowboys and the locals. "It's not fair!", they shout. Carol begins to do an angry Exorcist head spin thing which unfortunately results in her completely tangling up the lasso. She stands forlornly in a mess of hemp and defeatism. Heidi wants to help Carol, but she knows Joe will break her shoulder and beat her senselessly if she doesn't rope that steer so she focuses straight ahead and cries a little to herself. Unsurprisingly, Team Cowpat ropes it on the second try and rides off into the distance. Carol responds by violently twirling more tangles into her rope while Brandy throws her hands up in disgust.

Back at the poker place, Jeff and Jordan have finally arrived. I tried to distract Jeff by whispering into his earbud for him to spontaneously tango with Jordan, but he's a fucking moron and responded by shouting, "Let's dance!" to everything but Jordan. He said it to the door at the bus terminal and he said it to the gnome at the poker game. It's exhausting trying to communicate with him. If he gets a Dancing With The Stars gig out of this I'm hurling myself off of a tall building. Eventually, they beat the gnome in poker and arrive at the lasso challenge where Jeff has decided it'll be fun to play cowboy. Jordan, bored as ever and looking for a hot dog stand in the middle of the Andes mountains, sighs and says Jeff isn't a natural cowboy. Jeff may not be a natural cowboy, but Carol manages to find her inner K.D. Lang and rope that sonofabitch phony cow. She screams triumphantly to which Joe shouts to Heidi, "If she can do it, you can do it!" I started calling women's shelters on Heidi's behalf just in case she failed. Luckily for her, she ropes the hay bale and lives to see another day.

Teams now encounter a Detour: Horse Sense or Horse Power. In Horse Sense, teams have to walk map coordinates and dig up a bag with the matching cooridinates printed on it. In Horse Power, teams have to sit on a wooden horse and shoot a ball into a goal in 9 strokes or less. Team Cowpat chooses Horse Power and goes off to try to saddle a real horse. An angry polo player bludgeons them senselessly for trying to steal his horse and Team Cowpat finally realizes that they'll be riding a wooden horse. Wooden horse, real horse, chocolate horse... no matter. Team Cowpat finishes the challenge, collects their trophy and sails into the pit stop in first place where they win a 10 day trip to Patagonia. They have no flipping idea what Patagonia is, but they're thrilled nonetheless. In weirder news, Phil once again asks the cowboys about their belt buckles. He has them raise their shirts up and do a little twirl for him. The cowboys say the buckles help keep their pants up to which Phil guffaws and kicks up sand. Phil lives in the land of humongous ill fitting pants so maybe he's not gay after all. Maybe, just maybe, he's genuinely interested in how other men keep their pants from falling down. Don't be surprised if next week you see Phil in a pair of junk hugging jeans held up with a huge brass belt buckle. It could happen.

Team L Word and Team Big Brother decide to do Horse Sense which, in actuality, makes no sense. Digging willy nilly in a giant field never ends well for anyone and I'm surprised no one has learned this lesson yet. Tasha and Alice immediately begin to fight over the coordinates while Jeff and Jordan decide to ignore the coordinates all together. L Word happens upon a shovel in the middle of the field and thinking it's a message from God they begin to dig. Little do they realize that the bags are half hanging out of the ground. This fact was not lost upon Jejo as they haphazardly grabbed bag after bag only to deliver it to the wrong person. You see, they were supposed to deliver their bags to the head gun slinger. It says so clearly on the clue, but Jejo, lost in a land of gumdrops and cookie dough, just start hurling bags at any stranger who passes by. A nomad? Sure, why not. A mother headed out to the grocery store to buy tortillas for her family? Yup, no problem. A decked out gun slinger with a camera on him? No, can't be the right guy. Jeff, wearing a knitted condom on his head, insists he's doing the challenge right. Out of frustration, the gun slinger shoots Jeff in the eye. It had to be done. It's considered a public service.

Team Jooj, who I'm convinced gets gayer with each episode, has never met a car they've liked. Their first one stalled (because the emergency break was on) and this new one also stalls (because Gay Jordan's feather boa got caught in the fan belt I think). Gay Jordan gets out to push and at home we all just kind of sat back and laughed. They were on a hill and Dan had his foot on the brake and, seriously, driving is just not meant for these guys. Just when I thought the tiara had turned and all hope was lost for these too sassy gentlemen, they actually reach the Road Block and manage to rope the steer relatively quickly. I was mildly shocked until I remembered that watching Brokeback Mountain on a constant loop is how Gay Jordan spent 2005. The skip off to the polo challenge where they're about to be met with an influx of Teams.

Like I said before, digging in the middle of a field never ends well for anyone and Teams Wang and L Word are just now figuring that out. Team L Word is still fighting over the number of steps they should take while Team Wang, or rather just Joe, has decided that the clue doesn't apply to him and he can walk wherever he wants to retrieve a bag. Odder still, he's delivering bag after bag to the correct gun slinger yet Team Big Brother continues to deliver their bags to random passersby. How did Jejo not see where Wang was delivering their bags to? There are like 18 camera men encircling the guy. I could have driven myself crazy trying to solve the mystery until I looked up from my computer and saw the sampler I stitched last summer hanging on my wall. It says, "Jeff and Jordan are fucking morons and nothing you do will ever change that." I smiled at my on wisdom and went back to watching the show. Eventually, Teams Wang and L Word give up and decide that riding a wooden horse might be the way to go.

At this point, all the other teams are starting to catch up. Team Such As conquered the steer pretty quickly and Team Undercover is busy drawing a police type map on the ground of the Horse Sense challenge. The detectives are positive they've figured out where the perp is hiding and without calling for back up they race to uncover their treasure. There's only one problem. The treasure isn't theirs to uncover. It's Team Big Brother's. Without Team Undercover's help I'm convinced that Jeff and Jordan would still be out in that field today delivering bags to all sorts of wrong people. In the end, Jeff figures out they've been talking to the wrong gun slinger and in a moment of genius he announces, "We're so stupid. We should never reproduce!" *pause for applause* Seriously, tears.... falling. How long have I been saying Jejo should never procreate? Since the beginning of time I think. I rushed to my wall to remove from summer sampler and immediately began to stitch a new one in honor of Jeff's grounbreaking realization.

Somehow Team Baseball (Steve and Allie) manage to finish in 2nd place with Team L Word and Wang rounding out the top 4 which leaves me totally confused. We literally got almost no footage of Team Baseball competing this leg. You'd think that a team hot on Team Cowpat's heels would be deserving of some sort of coverage. Why haven't they gotten any air time? Seriously, I think they've amassed an uncomfortable 90 seconds of footage thus far. We never see them on any buses or driving in cars yet we always see Jordan hunched uncomfortably over her steering wheel munching on a chimichanga. I'd be pissed off if I was on Team Baseball. They seem pleasant enough and it was hysterical when they painted the inside of that wrong house. Like Billy Jean said in the Legend Of Billy Jean, "Fair is fair!". Give these lovely people their due CBS. Jeff and Jordan are not the be all and end all of reality tv. Spread the love assholes.

Speaking of spreading the love, Team Jooj is now busy at the polo challenge stepping in horse doodie and fretting over what color jersey to wear. Black is slimming, but the powder blue will bring out their eyes. See? Told you. Getting gayer every second. You'd think they'd be good at playing with balls, but they were truly awful. They had to start over numerous times and it was just kind of embarassing to watch. In the end, they managed to finish, but not before Gay Jordan clutched his trophy like Meryl Streep and thanked all the little people who inspired him along the way. They miraculously land in 6th place right behind Team Big Brother.

While all this ridiculosity was going on, I've neglected to mention one team in particular. It's Team Legally Blonde. These poor out of shape gals were stuck at the lasso challenge for most of the episode. They called on Jesus to help them through and that's kind of where I lost interest. These two have disappointed me the most this season. I was in favor of an all female team finally taking a TAR victory and on paper I thought that Monique and Shawne would be the ones to do it for me. They were intelligent, focused, hard working, entrepeneurs... but how could I know they were also fucking boring, totally lazy, and miserably out of shape? I knew last week when that hill to the llama challenge induced a major asthma attack that these two wouldn't be around for much longer. I knew they were pathetic. I just never realized how truly inadequate they were until last night. Look at it this way, Brent & Caite who spent the night puking their guts out in addition to spending a few hours in a hospital bed getting fluids administered managed to beat Team Legally Blonde. It kind of puts in perspective, doesn't it? Team Legally Blonde had no place in this game and I'm glad they're gone. No Germany for you.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? I kind of hated it hence the shorter recap. Are Team Cowpat highly intelligent or just really fucking lucky? Can Team Such As recuperate in time to make a big comeback? How about Team Jooj? Do they even have a chance in gay hell of surviving? Do you think when Jeff and Jordan land in last place, it'll "conveniently" be a nonelimination round? Is CBS dumb enough to air a new episode during the Academy Awards? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Please to enjoy this week's Elimination Station where Granny continues to get on my last nerve: