Monday, February 22, 2010

Oh My Gravy!


Sometimes in life you get those days where the clouds part, the blessed angels pee on you from up above and everything, absolutely everything, goes your way. Maybe you speed all the way to work with an open gin bottle in your lap running red lights and side swiping pedestrians with nary a ticket or a scolding to slow you down. Maybe on your way back to the office after a 4 margarita lunch and a quick tussle with the copy boy in the ladies bathroom you find a twenty dollar bill in the street and a bottle of xanax. Maybe you're having the best hair day of your life and you meet a strapping one night stand in the elevator who not only loves to spank and pull your hair, but will also clean your kitchen before sneaking out the back door. Perhaps you get a raise, book that trip to Fiji, and find out the pregnancy test is negative all in the same day. Days like these are rare, but don't you just love it when they happen? It's like the stars align, your skin looks amazing, the skinny jeans fit, and anything is possible. If you're a bitch like me, then you use those days to your advantage. You buy a lottery ticket, stick some Canadian quarters in a vending machine, sign a phony prescription for 120 vicodins, and try to use that expired coupon at Victoria's Secret. Chances are you'll get away with all of it because you've been sprinkled with fairy dust. You're magical and nothing can stand in your way... kind of like Team Cowpat last night. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin with a whiff of idiocy. Jeff and Jordan somehow finished first and now these two Einsteins are the first to depart. Take a bus to Santiago, the clue says. Jeff drags his doughy counterpart, shoves her in the back of a cab, and in his best Spanish accent says, "Bus. We. Need. To. Take. A. Bus." Jordan sees the cab driver is confused so she jumps in to help. She says, "Bus. Bus. Bus. Bus." The cabbie looks confused and continues to stare at them. He knows they need a bus. He's not a fucking idiot. If only they could tell them where they need to get their bus. That might be helpful. Jeff, again in his best Spanish accent, starts to perform a mime of a bus. The poor cabbie gazes forlornly into the camera. I feel your pain buddy. I dealt with these two for almost 3 months last summer. Be thankful you only have them for a few minutes.


At this point I'm thinking the producers are sleeping on the job, but then I hear one of them losing all patience start screaming into Jeff's earbud. "Tell him where you need to go jive turkey!", she howls. I covered my mouth and laughed cuz she said "jive turkey", but eventually Jeff got the hint and was able to get to the bus depot. Unfortunately, it's closed and Team Big Brother will have to wait until morning to book their tickets. Seeing an opportunity for some comedy and rabies, I whisper into Jeff's earbud, "Go play with the dog honkey boy!" If there's one thing that can be said for Jeff, it's that he follows directions (earbud directions that is) impeccably. Without hesitating he gets up to engage the barking dog. He mutters something about the dog looking scary. I quickly tell him that Spanish dogs don't have rabies and that it's ok to pet it. The dog snarls and barks ferociously at Jeff approaching. At this point I'm giddy waiting for the bloodbath, but Jeff totally pussies out and tells Jordan that dogs south of the border speak Spanish. Jordan, gnawing on her fifth tortilla that night, tells him to shut up and get her some salsa.


Now the other teams begin to arrive and alliances are beginning to form. Team Such As (Caite & Brent) are mad that those angry lesbians on Team L Word (Carol & Brandy) made fun of Caite's tiara. Team Such As looks to Team Big Brother for brain power and guidance and a foursome is born. Meanwhile Team L Word decides that Team Wang (Joe & Heidi) is the team for them. They're both cutthroat and can speak a little Espanol so why not? What happens next is most curious. Team Big Brother was at the depot first yet they're like 5th in line for tickets. Worse still, they're actually behind Team Not So Undercover (Louie & Michael) who placed like 18th in the last leg. How did that happen? Was it the dog? Was it a churro stand? I have no bloody idea, but Jejo definitely wasn't paying attention if they're at the back of the line. It turns out Team Wang is first in line and is saving a spot for Team L Word who must be off shopping at a duty free store or something. Team Not So Undercover gets a little pissy and Jordan makes the astute comment (from way back at the end of the line) that Team Wang and Team L Word must be working together. Way to use your brain Jordan!


So Team Wang and Team L Word get the last 4 tickets on the first bus. The next bus leaves an hour later than the first one. The problem is that both buses don't actually leave the depot until like 9 hours later in the day. Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord), having not made one friend, is off by themselves trying to find another route to Puerto Varas as well as changing their money to Yen or something. With the help of an English speaking local I'll call "Magico" (translation: magical), they discover that they can connect through another town and actually arrive earlier than anyone else. The producers hear this, get panicked, and whisper to Jeff to do the same thing. All 3 teams (Cowpat, BB, and Such As) leave Santiago together on the same bus. They arrive in a little town called Timbuktu I think and wait for their connections. Team Big Brother and Team Such As are booked on a 6:30 pm bus while Team Cowpat is on a 7pm bus. Cowpat inquires about getting on the earlier bus and actually finds out that the earlier bus leaves from a whole other terminal. Naturally, they're thrilled so they mosey on out to the terminal to gnaw on some hay and stick their hands in their pockets. At this point, the producers are frantic. I've jammed their feeds to Jeff 's earbud with white noise and there's not a damn thing they can do about it.



Team Cowpat is sitting pretty as they board their bus and ride off into the sunset. Meanwhile Team Big Brother and Team Such As have now missed both buses and are forced to wait until 1am. Jeff is furious, Team Such As are wondering why the hell they teamed up with these morons, and Jordan is off somewhere doing a tamale taste test. Jordan, precious Jordan, is her heart even in this race? It's like Jeff is dragging her around by her ponytail and telling her when and if she can speak in the interviews. Am I the only one noticing this?




Team Cowpat, miles ahead of any other team, arrives at the Detour first to find it's closed until morning. With hours to kill and Jake Gyllenhaal tied up in the trunk of their car, they drive off to spend the night in a heavily wooded area where they can't be disturbed. At dawn's first light, they emerge happy and wrapped in plastic. That Jake is a gusher, but that's a conversation for another day. Ok so Team Cowpat gets the clue and it's either Llama Adoration or Condor Consternation. In Llama, teams have to dress up an angry llama in silk tights, a fancy beret, and a feather boa. In Condor, teams have to dress up like a kite and fall ungracefully into a freezing lake to retrieve the next clue. Cowpat chooses Llama of course. You see, last night after they had their way with Jake they realized they had some roofies left over so they fed it to one of the llamas in order to make him more agreeable. Jet calls Cord the "Llama Whisperer" while somewhere Zev hurled the Peking Duck he was enjoying at his tv screen. I smell a lawsuit... and sweet and sour sauce, but mainly a lawsuit. It's all falling into place for these two seemingly innocent buckaroos. I say "seemingly" because I never trust a man who wears cowboy boots. That's kind of my motto: Never trust a man in cowboy boots and never have sex in fluorescent lighting. Trust me on this one.



Ok so by now Team L Word and Team Wang are well on their way to the Detour. Team Big Brother would be on their way too except Jordan has now refused to run and carry her own bags. Must have been the tenth enchilada she scarfed down on the bus. I'm not sure, but bitch is lazy and Jeff hollers at her that she needs to get into shape. Charming! Meanwhile Team Jooj (Dan & Gay Jordan) is having car trouble. Gay Jordan was supposed to drive, but he can't seem to get the car to go forward. He assumes the car is a homophobe and refuses to have anything to do with it. Dan reluctantly takes over and points out to Gay Jordan that the car does not support Prop 8. He just simply forgot to release the emergency brake. Gay Jordan doesn't care. He got his feelings hurt so now he's gonna pout, gaze sadly out the window, and completely miss their turn to get the next clue.




Back at the Detour, Team Wang is, well, they're getting kicked in the wangs by angry llamas. Joe can't get his feather boa on the llama to save his life so he whips out his ninja sword and prepares to cut it's throat. Heidi stops him in a nick of time and points to a sleeping llama in the distance. It's another one of Team Cowpat's roofied llamas so it's most obliging. They dress their beast and finish with Team L Word right behind them.




Team Such As and Team Big Brother have decided to do the Condor challenge because, you know, leaping into a freezing lake on a frigid day in the middle of a race around the world is always a good idea. Team Such As have fun with it and they leap into the air while Jordan wonders if she and Jeff will really be able to fly. They don't come near flying as Jordan's 12th burrito she had on the boat sinks them to the bottom of the lake. Poor Jeff has to yank Jordan by her ponytail to the surface. It's a good thing her breasts are buoyant because Jeff could have really thrown his back out or something. Team Baseball (Steve & Allie), who hardly got any air time last night (you can thank Jejo for that), also do the Condor challenge while Team Not So Undercover chooses the Llama.




Team Legally Blonde (Monique & Shawne) are now arriving at the Detour and these bitches are huffing and puffing like they're in the middle of an asthma attack. They choose Llama because no way in hell girfriends are getting their weaves wet. By the time they get to the llamas, they're too exhausted to even move so they just hurl their costume items at a llama and let the bitch dress itself. Lucky for them, they pick the only cross dressing llama in the bunch and they finish ahead of Team Not So Undercover. The cops are now pissed so they grab some branches, skewer a poor llama, and wrestle him into this tights. Voila! They're finally done.


Back out on the lonely road of lost dreams, Team Granny is just now getting into their car. You see, there was a doily convention and they have some fascinating lace down here in South America. No way in hell Granny was gonna miss that. Besides, she's just happy to be here. She happy her granddaughter can drive, she's happy she has the opportunity to race, hell, she's just happy to be alive at this point. She's taken her Centrum Silver, her correctol, and her prune juice so Granny is raring to go. Drive granddaughter drive! Just be sure not to drive over 25. Granny has loose bowels you know.




Most teams are finishing up the Detour and are now getting their clues to the next Road Block. They have to drive to some farm where German immigrants hang out and bake. Teams have to gather up all the ingredients to bake some cake called Kuchen, deliver it to some ladies, and then make their way to the second Pit Stop which is in the middle of some park named Virgin. I thought the Challenge was kind of weak until I realized the cows they have to milk were actually "Mad Cows". Let the fun begin!


Team Cowpat, used to being around stinky animals (like poor rumpled Jake still locked in the trunk) and barns, cruises through the Road Block landing safely in first place at the Pit Stop. In addition to finishing first, they each win a sailboat. Cool. That'll come in handy deep in the heart of Texas in the middle of a field filled with ornery cattle who've had it up to here with hazy nights of roofies.

Back at the Kuchen Challenge, Team Wang and Team L Word have finally arrived. Heidi and Carol decide to work together, but not before Carol informs us that she just doesn't do farms. She'd rather be back at a Sandals resort or on an Olivia cruise doing the Limbo with all the other power lesbos. Bitch, why are you even on this race? All you do is complain about how you're not living your privileged life back at home. I was on your side, but the more you pull that "holier than thou" bullshit, the more you piss me off. I'm giving you one more chance... just one more and then that's it. I'm gonna drink the haterade and let you have it. Turns out the cow on the farm had about enough of Carol's lip too and it promptly kicked her in the hand. Thank you cow. I owe you one. Eventually, both Teams Wang and L Word finish rounding out the top 3 for this leg of the race.



This brings us to the charm portion of the pageant. Team Such As and Team Big Brother, bastions of grace and hope, have now arrived and they're gonna inspire us with their blondeness and good looks. Jeff makes fun of Jordan for not knowing what a "baker's dozen" is and Caite promptly hocks up a loogie and spits into the grass. *sigh* I'm so glad we have her as a role model for young girls everywhere. Why, if I had a daughter I'd overpluck her eyebrows, get her a spray tan, and pray she'd hock up a substantial loogie on Sunday night television too. Delightful! And if she can marry someone who calls her out of shape and stupid, then I've found my perfect son-n-law. It's mind boggling how people swoon over Jeff. Not only would I kick someone in the nads if he called me stupid, but I'd cut off his weiner so he couldn't procreate and infect the population. I was hoping the cow he was milking was a feminist, but it wasn't and Jeff successfully completed the challenge. Team Such As even manages to finish 4th.




Jejo probably should have finished in 5th, but Team Legally Blonde somehow managed to get kicked in the face by the cow and finish before Jeff and Jordan. You see, Jordan was busy trying to find a taco stand and getting lost. Jeff asked her if she was on San Miguel to which she replied, "No, Jose. San Jose. H-O-S-E." Ohhhh where do I even begin? She knows she's on San Jose which would imply that she's seen a sign of some sort telling her that it's San Jose. If she's seen a San Jose sign, one would assume she's seen it's spelled with 'J'. First off, who doesn't know Jose is spelled with 'J'? Secondly, even if you didn't know it was spelled that way, you clearly saw a sign spelling it for you. Which leaves me to ask HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER JORDAN?!? Seriously, I'm sick of these two. They finish in 6th and I die a little more inside.



OK so back to the race. Team Baseball finish up right behind Jeff and Jordan in 7th place and back at the Llama Challenge Gay Jordan of Team Jooj is busy giving an inappropriate striptease to a bunch of Chilean children while Straight Dan (yeah right) is busy trying to molest his llama. When they see Team Granny hot on their tails, they manage to get focused, finish, and head over to the Kuchen Challenge. It's a good thing for them that Team Not So Undercover got miserably lost in their car and Team Jooj manages to finish in 8th.



It's now down to Team Granny and Team Not So Undercover. Granny and Michael begin to do the Kuchen Challenge where Michael is having trouble figuring out where the pantry is and Granny is busy trying to make sweet sweet love to her cow. Seriously, it was mildly disturbing. The cow didn't really care for Granny's whispers and caresses so it kicked her in the head probably speeding up her Alzheimer's as a result. That Granny is one tough old bird. She takes a licking and keeps on ticking... or something like that. She doesn't care that the cow kicked her in the head and I was actually able to draw a little inspiration from the whole scene. Had that been me getting kicked by the cow, I'd probably cry, kick the cow back, and steal someone else's milk for myself. That's how I roll. Gangsta. *flashes Crip sign*



In the end, the cows, the driving, the sitting in buses was all too much for Team Granny and they are the second team eliminated from the race. Don't get too sad though. I predict great things for Granny. She's not going anywhere anytime soon. She's a tough old broad and getting kicked by a cow only makes her stronger. She's got hard candy to pass out and marathons to run. She'll be just fine.



So bitches, what did you think of last night's episode? Who are you rooting for now? Do you think the Cowboys luck can last? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!




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Please to enjoy this week's Elimination Station: