Monday, February 15, 2010

We Need Tickets To China!

It's late September 2009 deep in the bowels of Viacom Headquarters. An exhaustive secret meeting of CBS VIP's is taking place. Bertram Van Muenster Cheese is cursing emphatically in God knows what language. Les is sitting in a corner rocking back and forth sucking his thumb and swatting at imaginary flies. Phil is doodling pornographic Jeff Probst pictures on his 7th yellow legal pad of the night. And the Chenbot's candy apple head is covered in beads of sweat. She's in labor, but no one will let her leave the cramped office until a decision is made. These masters of television need to figure out a way to convince America that Team Big Brother, the mental giants of reality, can really truly last more than a leg or two on the upcoming TAR 16. It's been a trying marathon of 48 hours without sleep, endless cartons of cigarettes, and vats of single malt Scotch. The execs are stumped!

The scent of desperation, perspiration, and the Chenbot's oozing placenta fills the room. It looks like they'll have to reneg the offer they made to Jeff and Jordan. There is just no viable way to make America believe that the duo known as Jejo will be able to navigate a foreign land... let alone LAX. Les begins to cry in angry staccato bursts of snot and defeat. Jeff and Jordan are his cash cows. He's already paid Jeff a tidy sum to pretend he's in love with Jordan so why can't he figure out a way to make them both smarter too?! Bertram sits pleased with himself. He never wanted those two yuck yucks on his show anyways. The Chenbot lies lifeless in a puddle of goo and then we hear it... Phil shouts, "I've got it!" He stops drawing the penis growing out of Probst's head and, adjusting his enormous pants, he addresses the room in a very serious voice. "All we have to do is scour the country for the dumbest most ignorant people ever! If we can cast people bordering on severe mental retardation, then Jeff and Jordan just might have a chance to look normal."

The room gets very quiet and everyone looks at Les with bated breath. He adjusts his wrinkled suit with his tobacco stained fingers and walks to the head of the table to give his verdict. "Phil I'm giving you a raise! Now someone grab my wife. She's got a turtle poking out of her and it's making me sick." And that's how it came to be... that's how Jeff and Jordan secured their spot on The Amazing Race and managed to finish first in Chile. Let's recap, shall we?

Welcome to Bizarro World Amazing Race where suspension of disbelief is pretty much mandatory. Anything can happen in the Bizarro World and, believe you me, it does. The teams you thought you'd hate, you love. And the teams you thought you'd love... well, you'll find yourself wishing they take a trip down a rickety luge apparatus or something. 11 anxious teams have gathered in a park somewhere not all that far from LAX. They're excited, they're checking out the competition, and, more importantly, they're wondering why Phil's pants are just so damn huge. They'll never get the answer to that mystery because these bitches have a race to run. We get the worst race start ever - where was my dramatic heli shot?!?! - Phil farts out "Go!" and they're off.

Teams are instructed to head to LAX and catch one of two flights to Santiago, Chile. (No Jordan, you do not dip cornbread into it.) TAR cut it's budget something fierce so these bitches have to take public transport. Team L Word (Carol & Brandy) balk at the thought of no valet parking. Bitches are power lesbians. They're used to weekends at the Grove and chilling with Kit at The Planet while eating vegan scones. They don't do buses. Team Legally Blonde (Monique & Shawne), on the other hand, try a different approach. They leap out into oncoming traffic accosting cars until they can find a black person to help them. They find one and he tells them to take the shuttle to LAX. Back on the street Gay Jordan is in the middle of a freak out because he's just realized who Caite is. He calls out to her that he loves her and mumbles her speech over and over again to himself while racing to the metro station. Caite's thrilled to be recognized and she kicks her bohunk boyfriend in the shins for not letting her bring her tiara.

Team Big Brother (Jeff & Jordan) managed to catch a bus to the airport with about 3 other teams. Once in their seats they look over the clue again. Jeff sounds out, "San-ti-a-go Chilly". He turns to Jordan and says, "I think that's in Guatemala." Jordan nods and says she's never heard of Chile, but she thinks either it's really hot or really cold there. Jeff smacks himself in the forehead jostling the top secret earbud CBS gave him. You see, as a precautionary measure, the execs gave Jeff a teeny tiny earbud where a producer will be whispering instructions to him. Jordan doesn't know anything about it. I mean, we all know how well she can keep a secret. Not! Anyhow, it just so happens that I have acquired a feed into the earbud. In addition to eavesdropping, I'm also able to slip in some witty instructions of my own to Jeff. I whispered to Jeff, "Tell Jordan Chile is close to San Diego." Jeff fumbles it of course and says, "Haven't you ever watched Carmen Sandiego?" This time I'm smacking myself in the forehead. Those CBS execs sure do have their work cut out for them.

Eventually, all the teams make it to the airport safe and sound. Jordan waddles to the counter and shouts, "We need tickets to China!". At home, I crossed my fingers hoping she'd get her wish, but no dice. One of those pesky producers told Jeff , "Chile not China you morons!" and Team Big Bro managed to get on the first flight with Team Legally Blonde and Team Sweetheart (Adrian & Dana). Back at the gate for the second plane, Brandy of Team L Word has dropped to her knees and has begun frantically praying for a mechanical failure to take place on the first plane. It's unclear whether she wants it to simply blow up or crash into the ocean. Either way, she's precious. Team Jooj (Dan & Gay Jordan) join in her prayer and they lacerate themselves with a cat o'nine tails that Gay Jordan had hidden in his sock. They saw that priest dude do something like it in the Da Vinci Code so they figured it just might work. Not two seconds later, an announcement states that there is a mechanical failure on the first plane to Chile. Brandy and Gay Jordan look at each other stunned. It worked! They might just have to rejoin the Catholic Church after this is all said and done. Outwardly all the gays are thrilled, but in the back of her mind, Brandy can't help but be a little miffed the plane didn't blow up in mid air. Oh well... she'll try again later.

Jejo continue to sit on the floor confused. Jordan asks Jeff what "mechanical failure" means. Jeff shrugs his shoulders and before I can whisper that it means the plane is extra fast and will get there hours ahead of the others, a producer beats me to it and shouts, "Go get another plane ticket you idiot! Copy the black people! They know what to do!" Drat! So Team Big Brother follows Team Sweetheart and Team Legally Blonde to the ticket counter and all 3 are now on the second flight to Chile.

Meanwhile at the money exchange booth, Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord) thinks it might be wise to exchange their money before they leave the country. Absolutely! Good idea. Jet thinks to himself, "Hmmm let's see... lots of choices here... we're going to Chile so that means we should get... Deutsche Marks? No, that's not right. Ummm Francs? No. Oh I know! Brazil is close to Chile. Let's get Brazilian money!" And that's how Team Cowpat ends up in Chile with Brazilian money and not a fucntioning brain cell lurking underneath those ginormous hats of theirs.

The teams land safely in Santiago and are instructed to travel 60 miles to Valapariso and make their way to the top of some hill to get their next clue. All teams board the buses without incident except Team Cowpat. They hand the driver the Brazilian money and can't understand why he won't take it. I mean, aren't all Spanish speaking countries the same? Not only are they not the same, but they speak Portuguese in Brazil you shit for brains. The driver throws the cowboys off the bus and takes off for Valapariso. All Jet & Cord can hear is Brandy & Carol cackling in the distance.

Team Such As (Caite & Brent) arrive at the Road Block first. The clue tells them to do a cable walk to the other side of the valley. Once across, they'll find their next clue. Caite may be without her tiara, but she's not without her determination. She announces she'll do the challenge and she tackles that cable like it's Miss Georgia having a bad hair day. She cruises across it and even takes a few minutes to enjoy the view. Team Big Brother arrive shortly thereafter with Jordan doing the walk because Jeffy Pooh is scared of heights. They are followed by Joe for Team Wang, Dan for Team Jooj, and Allie for Team Baseball (Steve & Allie). Gay Jordan is in the throes of I don't know what. He keeps shouting, "I love you ho! I love you ho!" Jordan looks down confused. She thinks, "Is he yelling at me? I'm not a ho!" It turns out he was yelling, "I love you bro!" not "I love you ho!". In the midst of all the ho/bro confusion, Dan slips and is left hanging off the bottom cable. Gay Jordan is unphased. He advises Dan to "Jooj" himself across. Remarkably, Dan actually knows what that means and he joojes across that cable like it's an Armani suit with hot pink piping.

Once across the cable, teams have to take a vernicular down to the bottom of the hill. Caite reads the clue, thinks to herself, "Vernicular Schmernicular!", and she prances down the hill hand in hand with hunky Brett. At the bottom of the hill teams are instructed to "Paint The Town". They need to carry 4 cans of paint, some brushes, and a giant ladder up the road apiece and paint a teeny tiny square on a house that matches the color in their paint cans. A producer whispers to Jeff, "Pick baby blue. It brings out your eyes." Team Such As and Team Big Bro wander the streets aimlessly for a while, but then decide to work together as 4 brain cells are far better than 2. Back at the airport, Team Granny (Jody & Shannon) and Team Cowpat are just now managing to secure some cabs and make their way to the cable. Granny had a bladder emergency and well, Team Cowpat, can't figure out how to put one foot in front of another.

Back at the cable walk, Brandy announces she's fearless and no stinky little cable will ever stand in her way. She straps herself in, looks down, and immediately starts having an epileptic seizure. She may have pure evil running through her veins, but bitch is petrified! She's sweating profusely and shaking like Katherine Hepburn did on a good day. It's not a pretty sight. Meanwhile, Shawne (Team Legally Blonde) and Joe (Team Wang) are finishing up. Eventually, Brandy makes her way across, but she's completely traumatized by the experience. You'd think someone just told her Dana was gonna die again or something. Lesbians lost their shit when Dana got killed off The L Word and I'm imagining their faces probably resembled Brandy's after that cable walk from hell.

Over at the painting task, Team Big Bro and Team Such As are still lost. It's all very confusing cuz all I can hear are frantic producers shouting at Jeff, "Turn right! No, go straight! You idiot, you just passed it again! It's a BLUE house... like your shirt!" I couldn't help myself so I chimed in too. I said, "Say something to Jordan about cookies." Jeff says, "I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles." I just laughed and laughed and sat here very pleased with myself. Unfortunately, the moronic twins find their house, paint it (but not after Jordan tried to eat the paint... twice!), and they somehow manage to pull into the Pit Stop in first place. It's at this point when I rose from my chaise lounge, sauntered over to my fire pit, and pulled out a hot poker. I whispered to it, "It's been a long time my friend" and then I jammed it into my pancreas. It only hurt for a second. It's when I jabbed it into my nasal cavity that I began to feel some pain. To make matters worse Jejo won a 5 day trip to Vancouver. Let's hope they get a hankering for a luge course while they're there (Thanks Tazzie08!).

Team Such As skips into 2nd place and Caite begins to look very proud. Not so fast buttercup. You bitches skipped the vernicular and now have to endure a 30 minute penalty. Brent kicks some sand and flashes Caite the word "details" he had printed on his hand. Caite mutters, "I thought you wanted to pick up a Details Magazine while you were in town. How the hell was I supposed to know what you meant?!" They sit and pout while Team Legally Blonde arrives and steals their 2nd place from them.

Back at the painting challenge all hell is breaking loose. Team L Word has managed to pull themselves together long enough to pick a color. They choose green. Not just any green mind you, but Martha Stewart Seafoam Green from the 1997 collection... you know, before she was in jail. In that instant I forgive the ladies their bravado and welcome them back into my arms. Go Team L Word! Team Jooj, on the other hand, isn't faring as well. They've dropped a brush and they're flummoxed as to how to continue. Dan wants to forget the brush and paint while Gay Jordan wants to look for it and see all that the Chilean San Francisco has to offer. Dan wins that argument and they sail into 4th place right after Team Cowpat. Huh? Where the hell did Team Cowpat come from? Do they have earbuds too? I'm not sure, but Team Jooj is told they now have a 15 minute penalty for losing the brush. Gay Jordan gives Straight Dan an "I told you so" face and then he prances over to hang onto Caite's every word.

If you can believe it, people are still at that damn cable walk. Team Granny somehow manages to finish before Team Not So Undercover (Louie & Michael) while Adrian (Team Sweetheart) hangs precariously on the verge of going into a diabetic coma. Who's bright idea was it to send an overweight dude with no upper body strength across this thing? His wife, Dana, looked fit and nimble. I guarantee she would have kicked that cable's ass. CBS sure went above and beyond when they sent out that casting call for idiots.

Speaking of idiots, it's time for Team Baseball to get painting. Their color is red so one would naturally assume they'd be on the hunt for a red house. Not so fast sparky. Daddy Baseball spies an open door and decides, "What the hell? Let's go inside." They walk in and you probably wouldn't believe it if you didn't see it with your own eyes, but there is a painting crew there who just so happens to be painting a wall RED. Seriously, what are the odds of that happening? A million to one? I have no idea, but the red actually matches! It is what has to be one of the funniest sequences of the night: Allie gets going on the wall, the painting crew is cursing at her because she can't paint for shit, and the TAR camera crew stood there petrified an angry homeowner with a shotgun was about to come barreling down the stairs. Delightful! Outside the pigs, errr I mean the cops, are painting a blue house AQUA and asking one another, "This is the right color, right? This matches, doesn't it?". Dudes, if you have to ask, it's probably not right.

I don't know how, but Team Baseball sails into 4th place followed by Teams Wang and L Word. Phil tells Team Such As they're in 7th place and Caite just ignores him. She knows she's really in 2nd and no one can take that away from her. Team Jooj and Team Not So Undercover round out 8th and 9th place. All that's missing are Team Granny and Team Sweetheart. Now, if you listened to pre TAR gossip you were probably expecting Team Granny to come in last. I'm pleased to say that it looks like whoever was leaking TAR 16 spoilers was WRONG WRONG WRONG. While Adrian was busy falling over and over again and giving up on the cable, Team Granny managed to land in 10th place making them safe for this round.

In the end, it turned out that cable was the perfect metaphor for Team Sweethearts life. They had no idea how to tackle it, they sunk the completely wrong approach into it, and ended up giving up on it and walking away. Dana can deny all she wants that that cable amounts to nothing in the trials and tribulations that have been her life. I, for one, vigorously disagree. That cable was perfect for them and the fact they couldn't get across it due to a series of bad decisions makes TAR a little bit more magical in my mind.

So what did you guys think about last night's premiere? Who are your early favorites and who's driving you up a wall? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Please to enjoy the first installment of Elimination Station: