Friday, February 12, 2010

Catching Up With Team Ass Burgers!

Bitchy Amazing Race Blog favorites, Team Ass Burgers, captured our hearts and kept us laughing with their shenanigans. With the new season fast approaching, I thought it might be fun to catch up with the guys, find out some cool background race info, and check out what they're up to now.

Please to enjoy the comedy duo that is Zev Glassenberg and Justin Kanew...

First off, I want to thank you guys for doing this. You were by far my readers favorite team last season. Your time may have been brief, but you left a lasting impression.

J: Thanks Lala. Coming from you that means a lot.

Z: Yeah.

What inspired you to apply for TAR (or were you recruited)? What was the casting process like for you? Did you have to go through several interviews or did they fall in love with Zev immediately and that was that?

Z: It was my idea.

J: All Zev.

Z: He had never even watched the show.

J: Zev was saying we should apply for 4 years. Finally he figured out when the deadline was, and I just figured if we applied either we’d get on, or at least he’d stop bothering me about it. Then they called us, we went in, and they really took to Zev immediately.

Z: They asked me how I was different from Luke, and I told them I wasn’t deaf.

J: Yeah that did it. They liked that he speaks his mind.

Z: I can’t help it.

J: No, you can’t.

I always wondered what went on during your mandatory rest periods on TAR. Did you ever hang out with the other teams or get a chance to see the cities you were in? While on the flights, did you talk to the other teams competing or did you keep your game face on the whole time?

Z: You’re sequestered during pit stops, so you can’t hang out with other teams. But you can on planes and in airports and stuff.

J: There’s a time to race and be competitive, and there’s a time to relax. Our cast did a good job of finding that balance right away. We all got a pretty good sense of each other fairly quickly.

Z: Except Lance. We all thought he was a huge douche. But now we love him.

J: Yeah he’s a teddy bear.

Did you ever have a problem with the amount of money you were given for each leg of the race? They make a point of announcing how much money you’ll be given, but no one ever seems to run out of money or have a problem with it. Did you have to be very careful about buying food for yourselves or was it enough to pay for cabs, lunch, knick knacks, porn?

J: They had problems in previous seasons, but on our season it wasn’t really a major issue.

Z: Some of the teams ran out and had to beg, but they didn’t show it.

J: In Japan we saved money by taking a shuttle to the airport, and that set us up with porn money for the rest of the race… although we weren’t in it that long.

Z: Yeah, thanks asshole.

Did the cameraperson following you ever slow you down at all? I always imagine them running into things and not catching up to the cabs in time. Does a sound person follow you too?

Z: Yeah you have a sound guy and a camera guy following you. They were actually awesome. They didn’t really slow us down.

J: The equipment they carry is so heavy, I really don’t know how they do it. They’re the real heroes.

Z: That’s a cheesy thing to say.

J: Thanks.

Although your time on TAR was brief, what was your favorite destination?

Z: I liked Cambodia.

J: Yeah, I think we both liked it there because we were staying at a nice hotel called Raffles. Although we were there a lot longer than we wanted to be… I know, I know – you’re welcome.

Z: Yeah. So devastating.

Was your time at Elimination Station all just a big party? Were you allowed to leave and see parts of the country?

J: We were pretty much on lockdown, with an occasional field trip… but basically yeah it was a big party.

Z: We just played Apples to Apples and got shitfaced every night. We had a great group of people with us…. Uncle Lance was hilarious.

J: We really couldn’t have asked for a better group to have on Loser Island. Everyone really got along.

Which team did you become closest with during the race/Elimination Station?

Z: All of them.

J: It sounds lame to say that, but it’s true. All the teams really gelled. We’ve hung out since the race a few times, and it really feels like we’ll stay friends for a long time.

Z: Except Garrett. That guy’s a Jerk. Just kidding just kidding I love Garrett.

Did anything funny or important happen during your time in the race that was never aired? I think I remember reading somewhere that there was a U-turn that never made it to air. Is that true?

Z: Yeah there was a u-turn, but I think Mika and Canaan u-turned Lance and Keri but they were already ahead of them so it didn’t matter… which isn’t surprising.

J: Right. What else funny happened?

Z: Oh you lost my passport. That was pretty funny.

J: As you can see we’re still not over it.

Z: And we never will be… just kidding just kidding. It’s all good.

Are you guys planning on watching the upcoming season of TAR? How do you feel about CBS casting a couple from Big Brother and the Miss South Carolina chick? If she doesn’t lose her passport, will you admit she’s smarter than you?

J: I’m just happy they cast the Big Brother couple because it got you riled up Lala, which is always fun.

I was wondering if you guys get recognized a lot? Justin, do people taunt you with their passports? Are you both single and having fun with the fangirl contingent?

Z: I’m single. Believe it or not.

J: The fangirls are all a little out of our age range, as far as we’ve seen. Not that we don’t love them.

Z: I get recognized more than he does.

J: That’s true. As for the passport thing, yes – lots of passport jokes. Each one funnier than the last.

Zev, when you were in Vegas did you guys visit the Bunny Ranch again for old time’s sake? I hope you made Justin pay.

Z: No, we were sequestered most of the time. And the cheap bastard hasn’t taken me back there.

J: We’ll go, we’ll go. Lala, maybe you can take up a collection for us.

Z: More than $300 this time. I’m a reality star now. The bar’s higher.

J: Noted.

Do you guys watch any other reality shows? Survivor? Big Brother? Bad Girls Club? What are your favorites?

J: I watch the Bachelor and The Hills. Just don’t tell anyone.

Z: I watch Biggest Loser. Its about fat people losing weight, and it’s awesome. Sometimes I watch American Idol and Survivor.

J: Yeah I’m watching idol for the first time this season. I’m digging it.

Who are you rooting for on the upcoming Heroes V. Villains season and why?

Z: For the Heroes. I don't wanna see an asshole win.

Do you get invited to attend Survivor events like the Big Brother people do?

J: We went to one. It was fun, but I’m not sure we’ll go to many more.

Z: We just go to see people from our cast.

What are your favorite non reality shows?

J: We both watch a lot of sports. I’m also a big comedy guy so I watch The Office, 30 Rock… Modern Family’s great.

Z: I just read a lot.

Justin, I know you’re completing production on THE LEGEND OF AWESOMEST MAXIMUS starring Rip Torn, how did you react to the news of his arrest and subsequent trip to rehab?

J: I thought it was sad. I’ll leave it at that.

Is Kristanna Loken as cool as I imagine her to be? I was a big fan of hers on The L Word.

J: She’s awesome. Real cool girl. We had a lot of fun with her, and she and Will Sasso, our lead actor from Mad TV who’s also great, got along really well. She’s also real easy on the eyes.

When does the film come out and what are you working on now?

J: The film’s still in post, but should be out later this year. I have a few other comedy projects I’m working on that I promise I’ll tell you about when the time is right. Hopefully TAR fans will stick with us long enough to check them out.

Zev, two of your biggest fans Susie and her son Brandon ask, “Zev, what are you up to these days?”

Z: I’m between jobs. His name’s Brett by the way.

Me: Ooops I'm drunk. Forgive me.

Susie, she’s so pesky, also wants to know if you guys have heard anything about an Amazing Race All Stars? If you were invited back, would you compete? What would you do differently?

Z: Hell yeah we’d compete!

J: Seriously Lala, we’re sitting by the phone. Every candle I blow out, that’s what I think about.

Z: That’s pretty pathetic.

J: Maybe. But true. I think we’d both give anything for another shot.

Z: Yeah… you hear that Bertram and Elise?!

Who do you keep in touch with from your season? Is there anyone who really chaps your ass? You can tell me. They probably won’t be reading this.

Z: We keep in touch with pretty much everyone.

J: We really do actually.

Z: Except Eric and Lisa. They don’t return my calls.

J: Nobody really chaps our ass anymore. We made up with the Poker chicks.

Are you guys currently doing anything with Autism charities? Are there any links or events you want to promote? Can people still buy Duck Whisperer shirts?

Z: Yup – go to - they’re still there.

J: We’re working with Autism Speaks a little, and Zev talked to another group about doing some things for them.

Z: I’m available for speaking engagements… even though I’m bad at speaking in front of people.

J: That’s a great sales pitch. I’m sure they’ll be knocking down your door now.

Z: I also do Bar Mitzvahs.

Justin, I have 4 words I want you to pass on to your dad: TROOP BEVERLY HILLS TWO. Also, I want a position on the crew. I’m not opposed to using the “casting couch” if necessary. Thanks.

J: My dad invented the casting couch. I’ll definitely tell him, I’m sure he’ll get a kick out of it.

Zev, I’m totally cute with a nice ass and a perky rack, will you be my valentine?

Z: Depends how much you cost.

Me: Gee thanks. You're such a heartbreaker.

Thank you so much Zev and Justin for playing along. I can’t wait to see what you guys do next and I wish you all the best.

J: Thanks for taking it easy on us.

Z: See you on All Stars!

Be sure to follow Zev and Justin on Twitter at @zevglassenberg and @justin_kanew!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Steve & Allison: Team Baseball

Our final team (thank god!) is the father/daughter team of Steve and Allison.

It turns out Steve is a pretty famous guy. He a professional baseball coach for the Cleveland Indians and at one point even coached the Phillies to win the World Series. *shrugs shoulders* I guess that's a big deal. If there's one sport I don't do, it's baseball. I won't hold that against him though. Not yet anyways.

If given the chance Steve would switch places with his son in college because... well, probably because his son is getting shitfaced daily and porking young co-ed's. I mean, why else would you want to switch places with a college student? It's not for the crowded lectures, multiple choice exams, and chlamydia screenings... or so I've heard.

Allison is in Marketing and hates that her dad embarrasses her all the time. You and me both girlfriend. I remember once at Volleyball Camp my dad pretended to trip and fall in front of a group of girls checking in. I was mortified, turned bright red, and knew I'd have very few friends that week. The fact that I may or may not have pulled a fire alarm a few days later while some girls were showering could have been a direct reflection of the trauma I felt after my dad's little stunt. I'm not sure.

Anyhow, Allison throws around the word "passionate" a lot in her bio and she wants The Amazing Race theme to play at her wedding. Kinda weird. I don't know about these two. I can go either way. There is something kind of charming in a father and daughter racing together and, at the same time, there's something kind of annoying in their faces. We'll just have to wait and see.

Monique & Shawne: Team Legally Not Blonde

I think this is our third all female team, right? Let's hear it for the ladies!

OK so this is Monique and Shawne. They're the mom/attorney team. They're moms. They're attorneys. I have a feeling if I get into a pickle with Louie and Michael, I'll be on the horn to Monique and Shawn.

Both of these ladies are well traveled, intelligent, and super confident with good heads on their shoulders. Monique says Tina Turner is her hero and, seriously, who am I to make fun of that? Who wouldn't want to be Tina for a day? Rolling on a river.... doo doo do do do do do doo doo do do do do do do...

Shawne would trade places with Michelle Obama if she could and will pay off her law school debt if she won the money. She's uncomfortable with too much attention on herself and strives to raise kind and inspirational children.

No hate here. Not yet. I'm looking for some ladies to kick some major ass this season. Could Monique and Shawne be those ladies? We'll see.
All I ask is that they give Jordan a bunch of haterade and make fun of her behind her back. Lots of eye rolling ladies... the camera loves that.

Louie & Michael: Team Not So Undercover

You got to love it when two undercover detectives decide to compete on a huge nationally televised show on a major network.

Pot smokers, Mr. O'Shaugnessy (my opium packing leprechaun), and crackheads hide your stashes because Louie and Michael are out to ruin everything you hold sacred. These boys from Rhode Island are Narcetty Narcs from Narcerville.

On paper they read a little bit like "men's men". They look up to the men in their family, look forward to raising strong men, and probably do all sorts of man things on the weekend like watch football and drink beer. They seem nice enough I guess. Nothing too annoying stands out thus far. Or maybe I'm just not too anxious to mess with men of the law. I'm not sure. Let's just end this with me saying, "Good luck guys!" and "Flush faster Mr. O!".

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Dan & Jordan: Team Scoundrel

Next up we meet the Pious brothers. Imagine having to grow up with a name like that and imagine how much more fun their lives would have been had they grown up with a name like Scoundrel or Sinner. Hey everyone, lock up your daughters! Here come the Scoundrel brothers!

I just glanced at their bios and one thing instantly leapt off the page. Dan, a 24 year old financial advisor, doesn't like to travel. Umm douchebag, are you aware that The Amazing Race is a traveling race? Ok that's it. I'm done with you. Let's move on to your brother.

Jordan, what an awful name, is a 22 year old strategic consultant - whatever the hell that is. Jordan's pet peeve is that his brother hates to travel. You and me both buddy. Why didn't you pick another teammate? Perhaps the girl you refer to in your bio as your "life partner".

They both love their parents and they're really into sports blah blah blah. I don't like these two and I can't be bothered to waste anymore time on them. I think they're really tiny too and I don't trust tiny men. Napoleanic syndrome and all that. Anyhow Jordan and Dan, I hope you guys lose, but I hope you beat Jeff and Jordan. The end.

Joe & Heidi: Team Wang

I've waded through the blizzard and made my way onto my little blog. Fingers crossed I don't lose power again. I can't deal being alone with my thoughts and a cranky leprechaun.

Today we meet the Wang's! Yes, you heard me right. Their last name is Wang. I haven't even read their bios yet, but I'm tempted to love them based on their name alone.

Joe, 42, and Heidi, 37, are married and hail from the great state of California. Joe is in software sales and wants to raise his kids to be the best they can be. He'd use the winnings to pay for their college educations and hopes the race will bring him closer to his wife, Heidi.

Heidi is a homemaker who dreams of running a marathon and improving her golf game. She sounds like she was a major overachiever in high school with her crazy long list of superlatives. Missing her children and missing sushi will be her greatest challenges during the race. LOL I think I like that. If I had a band, I'd call it Missing Sushi. We'd perform songs very similar to Munchausan By Proxy (google it if you have no idea what I'm talking about). Mr. O'Shaugnessy could play his shillalegh and we'd have a rip roaring good time.

Overall they're kind of boring I guess, but then again they're called Wang. That works for me. I think they'll do pretty well. Joe's quick temper could be a problem and Heidi can't multitask to save her life. That combo alone could make for entertaining viewing. Maybe they'll manage to pull it together and stomp all over Jeff and Jordan. Who knows? Godspeed Team Wang.

I leave you with a video by Munchausen By Proxy... whore no more... Please to enjoy:

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Jody & Shannon: Team Depends

Next up is Team Depends. The grandmother and granddaughter team from Texas. I just took a quick glance at their bio and literally spit out the coffee that was in my mouth. Tell me this is for real... Grandma Jody is 71 and a personal trainer. HAHA! A personal trainer? Do her clients box kangaroos and toss around medicine balls? Seriously, I love that. She competes in triatholons (like JLo!) and wants to complete a full marathon before she dies. Bitch better get on that cuz that St. Peter could be coming for her ass tomorrow.

The more I read, the more I fall in love with Jody. In the 90's, she did a two year stint as a stand-up comedian. That's genius! I want her to be my grandma. She can give me hard candy out of her pocket and wake me up at 6am to eat oatmeal and go power walking.

Dear Centrum Silver, I found your new spokesperson. Love, Lala.

To be quite honest, I could care less about Shannon. She's getting her degree in Economics and blah blah blah. Let's get back to Jody already. She's ambitious, feisty, and I'm already ordering Metamucil as an homage to her. Her life long dreams include: walking the Appalachian Trail (so she's who Sanford was boning!), hiking the Colorado mountains, competing in an Iron Man triatholon (!), trekking in Norway, bicycling through the Netherlands (where she'll probably smoke weed and moonlight as a prostitute), developing a tv show about old farts who like to work out, and trading places with Carol Burnett for a day. Wow. I want to be like Jody when I'm old and decrepit.

As much I'm loving Jody and popping Correctol in her honor, I don't think this duo will perform well at all. As a matter of fact, I predict a very early dismissal for these fine ladies (I may or may not have read that somewhere). It's too bad really. Jody could have been my new hero. I'm raising my glass of prune juice in your honor Jody. Rock on girlfriend! Seriously Jody, if you're reading this, contact me. I would love to talk to you.

Jet & Cord: Team Cowboy

Ugh. I don't like cowboys. I don't like country music. Cowboy boots are handcrafted in Hades and chaps are only useful if they're assless. This does not bode well for Team Cowboy. Before I've even taken a look at their bios, I already know I don't like them. Cowboys tend to be right wing, overly Christian, homophobic, and fond of calling their women "little ladies". Sure, I'm relying on every stereotype in the book, but if these boys prove me wrong they'll emerge as heroes in the end. I leave the challenge up to them.

These lasso tossing young gents are Jet and Cord and they're brothers from Oklahoma. Jet is 30, loves to read, and says his brother Cord is his hero. Cord is 29, a champion bull rider, and doesn't own a tv or radio. Hold up! No tv? That's just not right. I don't trust people who don't watch television. I think they should all be sent to live on a deserted island where they can spend their days and nights playing charades or whatever it is non-TV people do. Madonna will be their queen. She doesn't like tv either. So self righteous.

Cord's life long dream, and I shit you not, is to get married, have lots of babies, and live happily ever after. *yawn* Oh sorry, I was just dozing off at how boring this idiot's life long dream is. How about traveling the world, starting a colony of leprechauns, or erecting a water tower full of gin? Those are life long dreams not keeping your wife barefoot and pregnant.

If you can imagine, Jet's dreams are even simpler. All this good ole boy wants is to keep being a cowboy and riding horses. If he wins the million dollars he'll pay off his house and go buy some books or something. I don't think these guys will win. Athletically, they might have an advantage, but the whole "fish out of water" thing in foreign lands might be their downfall. Look for them to last until midway, mutter phrases like "Aw shucks", "Gee willakers", and "Pardon me ma'am". Their ignorance could be charming, but they better make sure they're not rude or unaccepting of new cultures. If they're wide-eyed and innocent and open to everything and anything they see, I'll rethink my early hatred of them. Until then, I'll continue my lobby to rename country music as "Devil's Music". Don't let me down boys. The ball is in your court.