Thursday, February 4, 2010

Dana & Adrian: Team Moprah

Today we meet the Davis'. Dana and Adrian were high school sweethearts who are now married and living in Texas. On paper they sound like your typical couple. They want to be healthy, raise happy children, and continue to successfully run their property management/real estate firm, but if you're like me and are eagerly sniffing out anything to pick on you need only look beneath the surface. Hey, I don't have a video to mock and make fun of. I have to deal with what I'm given. I'm resourceful like that.

According to, Adrian doesn't like it when Dana busts his balls and serves up double standards on household duties. I'll interpret this to mean that she's a total nag and makes poor Adrian scrub and toil in the kitchen while she leaves used cotton balls covered in bright red nail polish all over the bathroom floor. I'll bet she doesn't flush the toilet either. Adrian probably huffs and pouts at having to put the dishes away while Dana soaks in her tub eating bonbons and throwing candy wrappers at his head. It could happen.

Dana would like to share her story of overcoming abuse and blah blah blah. Ugh... we don't need another Mackenzie Phillips chickie. You just do you and let Oprah do Oprah. By the way, she wants to trade places with Oprah which makes me think this bitch is looking for a book deal after all this is said and done. Am I being too harsh? No, I think not. She says Jesus is her hero. When I think "hero" I think Bonnie Tyler so there!

Well, I don't think I like the Davis'. They want to give part of their winnings to the church and that offends me personally. If I won a million bucks, I'd hang up my brothel business, fly to French Polynesia, buy an island beach house, and seduce the natives til my dying days. Screw the church. I'd spend my money on billowy silky thin curtains, top of the line opium, and enough glitter to dip every seashell in the ocean into. Anyhow, I'm thinking these two might bicker a little too much for my taste. Dana probably always thinks she's right and Adrian probably always gives in. How boring their sex life must be.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Carol & Brandy: Team L Word

It's like a Subaru commercial just landed on my blog. Like an Ani DiFranco song playing in a night club full of lady love, Carol and Brandy come sweeping in to answer my call for "More lesbians!" on reality shows. For years we've been blessed with "Token Gays" and, while they're usually fabulous (save Sam and Dan), the ladies haven't really had a chance to represent. In honor of my salaciously fierce girl crush on Kate Moennig, I'm officially dubbing this team: Team L Word.

Carol runs her own company, doesn't like it that Brandy bites (nice!), and claims that joining The Amazing Race is very out of character for her. Brandy, on the other hand, is an actress, prides herself on her spontanaeity, and thinks we'd all be surprised to know that she's bisexual. They love their dogs, like to cook, and want to be the first all female team to win The Amazing Race. One thing they both agree on is that communication will be their biggest challenge. I'll bet these two have wicked bitter fights... followed by some hot boobie fondling lady sex. Is it just me or am I getting a major Tasha and Alice vibe from these two? Carol being Tasha and Brandy being Alice.

I'd love to be able to share Team L Word's video with you, but guess what? Looks like some fucktard with a remarkable lack of brain cells removed the videos from both youtube and Wow... it's even gone from Dammit... I've searched every single site the videos have been posted on and they're all gone. Seriously, who's genius idea was this with the show 2 weeks away? Unbelievable. If the videos resurface, I'll definitely post them back here ASAP. Sorry about that folks. I'm just as bummed as you are. If anyone else finds them, leave me a comment with a link and I'll check it out.

In summation, I like Team L Word... I like them a lot. Any team that lets me write me about Bette, Shane, Helena, Shane, Tasha, Shane, Jenny, Shane, etc. is a team I'm gonna support... braless. Sure, why not? Put on The Cliks, read Snarker's blog, and whip up a batch of vegan muffins. It's all about the ladies this season I say. Team L Word for the win!