Thursday, January 21, 2010

Caite & Brent: Team Such As

I can't express how much I'm looking forward to this one. As most of you know Caite is the infamous Miss South Carolina who gave that wretched answer, "The Iraq such as...". As her boyfriend has major douche face and is pretty much insignificant in my world I've dubbed this team... Team Such As. On, they're being called "Dating Models". Oh come on, let's just call a spade a spade already. They were cast so we could see just how stupid they are. Caite is milking her 15 minutes for all it's worth and I can't say I blame her. She has nothing to offer the world, but dumb blonde jokes and a pending meth addiction. I can totally see her on Celebrity Rehab in a few years... or maybe Celebrity Fit Club... I'm not sure which one would be funnier.

Brent doesn't like that Caite can't take criticism and Caite doesn't like it that Brent picks his nose and leaves the tissues in the toilet. If Caite wins the money, she'd buy a Maserati and some alcohol. Seriously, I'm not kidding. Her bio at is pretty much a laugh a minute. I can't decide whether I want to embrace her for her honesty or start hurling ninja stars at her. She has such potential to be a great Reality TV star. All I want out of her is "hot mess" personified. I have no allusions about her performance or who she is as a person. She'll be dim, selfish, impatient, and hard-headed yet there is some part of me that wants to cheer her on. The girl makes no apologies for being a super bitch and I'd be a hypcocrite if I didn't appreciate that just a teeny tiny bit.

Let's check out their video and see if anything else comes to light. Please to enjoy:

Yeah I was right. She's gonna be an epic bitch. It's up to her as to whether or not she makes it entertaining or simply annoying. I'm almost reminded of Ericka of Team Zebra. Sure, she was a heinous bitch, but you can't tell me you didn't enjoy it when she strapped on her Whitney Weave and lost her ever loving mind. Breakdowns on The Amazing Race are like little precious fairies dancing in the moonlight. You just look at them and smile knowing your night had just become a little jollier.

I'm going to predict that they will last longer than Jeff and Jordan - only because this will thrill me immensely - but that they won't go to the end. Caite will lose her shit during a challenge and it'll stifle the communication needed to succeed. I also think it's painfully clear that Douchey Brent is only with her for the recognition and fame potential. She'll kick him to the curb by the time the show is done airing to wander the dark and musty clubs lining Hollywood Blvd. She'll gaze expectantly at club owners twirling their moustaches. A whiff of promise in the air, 4 inch black patent leather stilettos touched up with a Sharpie, and a waiting dirty stained mattress in the back... I could really learn to love this girl and her hot mess potential.

Jeff & Jordan: Team Shut The Fuck Up

Seriously, this was the last thing I wanted to write about today. Bitch has a birthday tomorrow (I'm expecting lots of fruit baskets from you whores) and I'm busy uploading every single CD I've ever owned into my new iTouch. You know what this means, don't you? I'm super extra grumpy while writing this. Awesome!

As everyone knows, the duo known as Jeff & Jordan (JeJo to the cat lady contingent) is one of the new teams on the upcoming season of The Amazing Race (premiering Feb. 14th). It's no secret that I'm not a fan. As a matter of fact, I find them both repugnant, contrived, phony, intellectually challenged, put on this Earth without a thread of common sense, overexposed, overhyped, needlessly worshipped, offering nothing to society, undeserving, frighteningly ordinary... the list goes on. I would have continued, but the bile in my abdominal cavity was becoming restless.

So here we are with our first video of this not so dynamic duo. I'm still searching for the perfect name for these two. I need a name that refers to both of them. Nothing like Team Technotronic or Team Cookie Dough... the name needs to embrace them both equally. I'll be taking suggestions in the comments. Anyhow, here we go... please to enjoy:

Insufferable, aren't they? Let me look into my crystal ball... they WILL fight. As a matter of fact they'll fight to the point of wanting to kill each other. I may or may not have read that online today (check out the full article over at the Bitchy Network). I think it's safe to say that this is another show that Jordan has no fucking clue about. I guarantee she didn't know what the hell it was until after she was cast. Jordan has never left the country before and I'm predicting she'll be fascinated by the idea of people in other cultures not knowing what cookie dough is. Stick her in a bustling airport in a poverty stricken land and her head just might explode.

Jeff, on the other hand, is pretty much the brains behind this operation. He's traveled before - backpacked across Europe - and that should make him somewhat savvy. He's by far more open-minded and adaptable than his doughy counterpart so I'll pretty much go ahead and blame their loss on Jordan. Yeah, they won't last long and it'll be all because of Jordan. Oh, and don't think that Jeff doesn't wish he was teamed up with someone with an IQ over 70. Maybe his pre-BB11 girlfriend perhaps... ooops, did I say something I shouldn't have? *bites fist* Mwahahaha! Yes, there's a story there. Behave yourselves and I just might spill it one day.