Monday, May 10, 2010

You're Going The Wrong Way Dumb Ass!

We've been whisked around the world watching men and women, young and old, thick and thin, idiots and lizards all compete for a million dollars. We've heard the words "baby", "bro", and "let's dance" more than any other human should. We've watched as budget cuts forced teams to compete by buses and bicycles as opposed to planes and trains. Only a handful of Detours could really be called "challenges" while the others could easily be referred to as "a fucked up Saturday night." Phil's necklines got plungier while his necklaces got sparklier. Teams were lazy, out of shape, hopped up on too many benzos (I'm looking at you Jordan), and annoyingly preoccupied with creating catch phrases ("Ariba!", "Let's dance!", "I'm gonna punch you!", "I love you bro!"). I miss the TAR's when challenges took 8 hours to complete and teams were forced to beg for rupees or yen on the filthy streets of third world countries. Something's missing from these new TAR seasons. Casting is a little off, ingenuity and brain power are lacking, ruthless all or nothing/do or die hunger to win is absent, that heart thumping anxiety I used to get each week is gone. I don't know. Maybe I'm just sick of seeing ridiculously annoying teams win. I hate it when I don't get my way and last night I definitely did not get my way. Let's recap, shall we?

We find ourselves still in Shanghai. Haven't we been here for like 3 weeks already? Quite frankly, I've seen enough of this damned city and I'm ready to get back to the States where the cab drivers speak English and the lizard people are lying in wait. Team Such As (Caite & Brent) are also anxious to get back to the white bred fraternity of American cab drivers so they're thrilled to discover they're heading to San Francisco. Caite squeals and looks very satisfied. All she ever wanted out of this race was to prove to the world that she's intelligent and not ignorant. She's cried and tantrumed her way through South America, Europe, and The Asia skipping challenges here and there thinking things like "clues" and "instructions" were just for suckers. She traveled country to country wrongly blaming Team L Word for that evil and stinky "tiara" remark when, in fact, it was Team Jooj who started the whole drama. Her wide-eyed, freshly scrubbed, long lashed tagalong boyfriend, Brent, was there for Caite offering pearls of wisdom and moral support. When he shouted, "Shut up!" or "I'm quitting!" we all swelled with pride and thanked our lucky stars these two charmers found each other. Young love. *sigh*

Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord) are the second to leave. Since the airport ticket counter is closed until morning they quietly and logically head to an airport shop to read up on the history of California. While learning all about San Francisco, Disneyland, and The Crips, Team Jooj (Dan & Gay Jordan) arrives and Gay Jordan slyly puts his backpack ahead of Cord's pack at the ticket counter. Sure, they're all getting on the same flight anyways, but Team Cowpat is pissed. Jet, out of nowhere, clenches his fists and threatens to remove Gay Jordan's teeth from his head one by one. Gay Jordan, scared for his life, tinkles a little in his pants, stares straight ahead, and tries in vain to hide the fierce red crimson of shame coloring his cheeks. He sucks on his lips and whimpers a little to himself begging the lady at the counter to hurry up so he can go cower behind his big headed bro, Dan.

On the airplane while the other teams are sleeping, Team Jooj finds a flight attendant and requests to get put up into first class. As much as I hate to say it, that's a great move. Shit, I pull that move everytime I fly and I'm not even racing for a million bucks! How the other teams didn't notice this is a mystery to me. One would think you'd try this maneuver on every single flight in the race. That move, and that move alone, changed the entire face of the race.

(Coit Tower NOT the Lost lighthouse)

The plane lands in San Francisco and, naturally, Team Jooj are ahead of the pack. They find a cab and arrived at the clue well before everyone else. The clue is a riddle to a building with all sorts of murals painted inside. Gay Jordan, knowing that bike riders are smarter than the average car driver, stops and asks a bicyclist to help him solve the riddle. They're directed to Coit Tower, which kind of looks like the lighthouse in Lost, and they race off in search of the next Road Block where I hope a smoke monster is waiting to eat them alive.

Meanwhile, Team Such As has found a cab and are in the midst of beating their driver to death with a shoe. Brent berates him for not speaking English while Caite screams that she's gonna punch everyone in the face. I can't for the life of me figure out how she lost that pageant she was in. At this point the cab driver is traumatized and doesn't know up from down so he just drives around in circles hoping that maybe Caite will inadvertantly fly out the window. Brent, wondering why people in America - especially people in California - don't speak English starts shouting out the window for Immigration while Caite screeches at the driver, "You're such a dumb ass! If I lose, people will think I'm ignorant!"
(Knott's Berry Farm Parachute Drop that my mom made me ride alone)

Team Cowpat, on the other hand, has now found the clue and are well on their way to Coit Tower. It turns out Coit Tower was in that History Of California book they read back at the airport. If Magic Mountain, Del Taco, Carl's Jr., or Knott's Berry Farm are alluded to in any of the other clues, then Team Cowpat has it made. I lived in California for 8 years and, yes, all my memories are of fast food joints and amusement parks. I can only assume books covering the history of California share my priorities in life.

At Coit Tower, Team Jooj is instructed to climb the outer wall and retrieve the next clue inside one of the arches. As we all know Gay Jordan is a complete pussy when it comes to anything physical, so Dan does the challenge. I thought his huge head might be a problem for him but Gay Jordan shouting, "I love you bro! Slow and steady bro! You can do it bro!" must have some sort of head shrinking powers because Dan made it up the tower without incident and I made a mental note to introduce Gay Jordan to Meghan ("Cheyne! Cheyne! Cheyne! Cheyne!"). I have a feeling they'd get along famously.

In the distance we heard a shrill cry, "Turn around you dumb ass!". San Franciscoans thought it was another earthquake coming, but it was only Caite. Anyhow, Team Jooj finishes and they get a clue to go to the Yoda Fountain at Industrial Light and Magic. In the meantime, Team Cowpat is now ascending the Lost lighthouse and Team Such As finally gets the clue to Coit Tower. Sure, their cab driver is beaten within an inch of his life and Brent's eyelashes are smeared with blood, but they're back in the race and that's all that matters.

Over at Industrial Light and Magic, Gay Jordan is busy being gangraped by a bunch of Stormtroopers and loving every second of it. Dan reminds him they're in a race and Gay Jordan reluctantly (and then excitedly) takes part in the next challenge. I say "reluctantly" because Gay Jordan was sad to leave the Stormtroopers. The "excitedly" part comes in when Gay Jordan realizes he gets to put on a skin tight catsuit with lots of balls hanging off of it. As long as Gay Jordan is somewhat entertained in a stereotypical "gay" way, he'll happily compete in the race. Otherwise, he'll just sit there with his giant head and annoy everyone with nonwitty banter. I think he wanted to be the "one-liner" guy this season, but in reality he's just a hack with an oversized head and no backbone.

The Industrial Light and Magic challenge is like that ANTM challenge they did years ago where the models had to pose for Benny Ninja while negotiating through complicated lasers. Ok, so maybe the challenges aren't exactly the same, but they both required catsuits so that's good enough for me. Anyhow, Dan served as "director" while Gay Jordan had to listen to his every command. Dan would say "Slow down" and Gay Jordan would speed up. Dan would say "Spin around" and Gay Jordan would reply, "I'm nauseous!". It was pathetic and only became remotely entertaining when Team Cowpat finally arrived and decided to fuck with Team Jooj.

While Jet was changing into his ball suit, Cord began to shout out crazy instructions in order to confuse Dan and Gay Jordan. Much to my delight, Cord was yelling, "Sashay this way!", "Ballet turn left!", "Shuffle and twirl!", "Do the hokey pokey!"... Dan was furious and started to beat on the million dollar George Lucas console he was sitting at. Gay Jordan, thankful for the rest, simply played with his plastic balls on his suit wondering to himself if Lady Gaga would ever wear something similar. Once Jet was dressed, the teams got back to focusing on the challenge. However, things came to a standstill when Dan had to read a clue that whizzed around Gay Jordan's head. Am I crazy or shouldn't Jet just have pretended to trip thus knocking over Gay Jordan and proceeding with the challenge? Having Jet just stand there doing nothing was a remarkable waste of time. I feel like something could have been done in that instant to change the game. In the end, Team Jooj maintain their lead and cruise off to find the Tonga bar where their next clue awaits.

It turns out the clue is a bumper sticker on a trunk. It directs them to the American Music Hall. Back at Light and Magic, Team Such As has arrived and are hot on the heels of Team Cowpat. Both teams finish at about the same time and hop into their cabs, but Caite, precious un-ignorant super smart Caite, ends up leaving her teams money, clue, and passports back at Lucas Land. Had Brent made that same mistake Caite would have ripped his off and eaten it in one gulp. She also would have beaten up this new cab driver just for the hell of it. But, since it was Caite's mistake, Brent just sat quietly, looked out the window, and waved goodbye to a million dollars.

This brings us to the last challenge of the race which is, of course, to put all the teams in order of elimination. Unforunately for fans at home, Gay Jordan has been taking notes and he's literally got a list in his pocket of the order everyone went home. *sigh* Fuck. There's pretty much zero chance of any team catching Team Jooj at this point and I really just want to end this already so let's just skip ahead to the best part of the episode.

So, we're at the finish line and Team Jooj has won (Boo!). Team Cowpat arrives in second and Team Such As comes in third. All the other teams are there clapping politely and whatnot... all but one team. One bitter angry annoyed ungrateful reptilian team stands alone.... Team L Word. They refuse to clap for Team Such As... or rather, Brandy refuses to clap... and to make matters simply heavenly Caite has decided to give a speech. When will this bitch learn that just because there are people around, they're not necessarily there to hear her speak? I suppose Phil is kind of to blame as well. He just had to make a big to do about Caite being the last girl in the finals. Ok so the stage is set: Caite is on the platform, Phil's necklace is sparkling in the sun, and all the teams are there forced to hear whatever she has to say. Will she cry and thank her family for believing in her? Will she propose to Brent and profess her love? No! Blessedly, no!

(Brandy in her lizard form)

Instead Caite turns ever so slowly in the direction of Team L Word. *bites fist* Brandy sees that Caite is about to open her mouth so she lurches forward, puts her hand up, and says something to the effect of, "Oh hell no." It was heaven. It was frosted, it was sprinkled with sugar, it was dipped in chocolate, it was rolled in macademia nuts, it was filled with bourbon... it was perfection! Brandy does the equivalent of snatching the mic out of Caite's hand and the wig off her head. In not so many words, Brandy tells Caite she played the game wrong, U-turned the wrong team, and is just as stupid now as she was when we she did that pageant. At home I threw my top off and poured whipped cream and hot fudge all over my chest. Seriously, best ending to a TAR ever! It ended with Brandy shooting her lizard tongue at Caite and swallowing her whole. Awesome. Team L Word rocks my world.

So, what did you guys think? Were you happy Team Jooj won? Did you weep thick salty tears for Team Cowpat? Did Brandy deliver you a little slice of heaven like she did me? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

If you've enjoyed what I've done this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal Donate button on the upper right hand side of this page. It takes hours to write this drivel and I'm going to need some bribes to want to come back and do it all over again next season. In the meantime, you'll be able to find me at the Bitchy Survivor Blog and in a couple months I'll be recapping DAILY... yes, I said DAILY... all the shenanigans in the Big Brother house over at the Bitchy Big Brother Blog. Also, feel free to join the Bitchy Network where we have discussions pertaining to all of your favorite shows (Real Housewives, ANTM, True Blood, Vampire Diaries), BB gossip, and celebrities.

Have a great summer everyone and thanks again for all of your support and kind words during what's been a very difficult season. It means the world. Thank you.

Please to enjoy one final Elimination Station:


  1. The ending WAS the best there's ever been on TAR. What sucked was that the Cowboys lost, but I knew once they weren't be aggresive enough, they'd lost. Who knew that Team Jooj would finally do well??? Oh well...

  2. Come on! You left out the best part of the ending. Caite actually defends herself and lets Team L word know that she is the one who made it to the end. I may not like her at all, but at least the last thing she said was funny and intelligent.

  3. If TAR's ending were influenced by a Survivor-style jury, the Cowboys would clearly have run away with the race. They are a class act, and the statements of the other teams show it.

    Katie's happiness at the end of the race gives a new insight to the phrase "ignorance is bliss". On the flip side, the Lizard's certainty of how a U-turn "should" work has to be one of the most ignorant things I've ever seen on TAR.

    Pissing off other teams for no reason is just plain stupid. If they had reserved their petty sniping for each other, the lizards may have avoided that u-turn. Their karma-penalty was the best damn thing that happened in the race this year; their anger about it made it that much more fun.

    Those women should be old enough to know better. Their ignorance is as great as Katie's, but they have no joy. Ignorance isn't always bliss.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Really disappointed team Jooj won the million dollars,they were by far the most annoying team on the entire race !

    Dan was by far the worst, acting like an ignorant and disrespectful person. I started disliking him after his comments on the leg of the race that took place in my home country (France) when he criticized the locals because their English wasn't good enough. Well guess what, English is not the official language of either France or China ! I think that when you travel abroad the least you can do is show some respect towards the locals. As for Jordan his constant whining really got on my nerves.
    I'd rather team Cowpat won it, even team SuchAs ! Brent and Caite were stupid and most of the time annoying but at least in an entertaining way.

    Anyway, I've been looking forward to reading your posts about TAR and Survivor ever since I discovered your blog, and I've got to say you really do a great job, so thanks a lot for the hilarious posts !
    Cheers from France

  6. Ugh ..I'm so sick of the bad teams winning on this show. They've got such a great concept and so many places you can take this show but you're right...there's something off about it lately. It's sad that I'm more excited about watching a bunch of people sitting around a house for 3 months then I am to watch bickering teams travel around the world doing challenges every year.
    I wanted Team Cowpat to win but alas their niceness got in the way. I would have found a way to get around Jordan, even if I had to push the whiney bitch over in that George Lucas challange. As for Brandy, how classy was that? I admit I did laugh but she needs to know when to shut her mouth. Seriously, that was not the time or place to say that. Grow up and get the fuck over it. I can't stand Caite and she has driven me more insane than any other player this season, but Brandy managed to take over that spot with that stunt.

  7. Caite, for as dumb and annoying as she is was completely right. The lesbians can complain all they want about how they used to U-Turn wrong, but at the end of the day, it eliminated them - so it worked. Nobody would have U-Turned Team Jooj and they were the ultimate winner so I wish the lesbians would just shut the hell up and let it go. They're like those annoying athletes who lose games and complain - just shows bad sportsmanship. It's a game, and the goal is to win and they're just bitter that Team Such As were the ones who took them out. Who are the idiots now??????????? :)

  8. AAAARGH. Disappointment. I loved the cowboys and thought Caite was hilarious. Either of those teams could have won so WHY oh WHY did those funny figured big headed whiney boys win? ONE clever move. ONE. What a disappointing leg. What a disappointing finale.

    Brandy is ridiculous. And stupid. And I'm fed up.

  9. The following comment was sent to my email.

    From Jaynonymous:

    "Great, entertaining writing. I especially enjoy your sense of humor.
    I was a big "Cowboy" fan and was disappointed they did not win. The little "pissy" move Gay Jordan pulled was pretty poor. I'd like to give him kudos for a good move, but to pull it in a place where any commotions are not allowed was unfortunate. The cowboys handled it the only way they could, but personally, I would have liked to see the "gloves" come off and watch the little weasle whine like a baby. In the segment of climbing Coit Tower, If he were to say "come on, Bro" one more time, I think I would have gone thru the TV after him.
    As far as the bitterness the girls carried to the end of the show and beyond , simply showed how unstable they really are, especially Brandy. From beginning to end, they showed what a disconnected couple they were. I was not a Caite fan but what she did was fair and I believe justified. The lesbians deserved it. I'm glad TV showed just how bothered Brandy remained after the boot and somehow, if all is quite, I think I can continue to hear her telling her mate just how DUMB Caite is. I liked Caites reply "Who is standing up here, and who is down there".
    Thanks for the fun! I look forward to Survivors ending ( I think Russell is going to crash and burn) and your comments. I used to watch Big Brother but haven't for a couple seasons. Now that you are Blogging all these shows, I may just become a fan again."

  10. Great GREAT BLOG! i read it the whole season and you always made you laugh. in fact i know that team Jooj reads the blog too and love it as well (they are, who they are, but they DO have a sense of humor about themselves)

    as their cousin I was terrified that they would be on Tv, and rightly so... but a million bucks is a million bucks. of course, im not getting any peice of it because i told the i was rooting for the cowboys.

    Great blog. keep being bitchy.

  11. The Illustrious Mr. P,

    That's hysterical! Be sure to tell them I said hi and thanks for being such good sports... you know, about the big head thing and all. ;)

  12. Bleh, worst season of TAR ever! It wasn't even remotely exciting at the end, just drawn out disappointment when it became obvious early on that Jooj were going to win it. That move in the airport was just plain unnecessary.

    Caite, saying over and over again that you're intelligent doesn't make it's kind of sad and pathetic. Brandy's carry on was entertaining but it did her no favours and in the end she got shot down by the most closed minded dumb arse of the season.

    Next season better get a budget boost and some serious personality injection or I'm going to lose my love :(

    P.S. that's an Australian Blue Tongue Lizard you're parading as Brandy...they're too cute to be drawing those parallels. She reminds me more of a Frill Neck Lizard

    Thanks for the entertaining blog La La. Keep up the good work with your Survivor entries and I'll no doubt be back for next seasons TAR (if there is one).

  13. I agree, this has been most dissapointing, uneventful and uninspiring TAR season. The bitchy blog is the only thing that made it bearable. Kudos!!

    I was with the cowboys and hugely annoyed the bros. won. But the taking notes part was genius (and by genius I mean something I would do harhar).

    In those last moments (aside from the brandy-caite melée) I loved the cowboys last comments. They ran a good race, with integrity and respect not only for the other teams but to all the people they met along the way. Admirable!

  14. Have the bros Jooj revealed how they talked their way into first class? My theory is there might have been a sympathetic gay steward that aided them. Just sayin'. What irritated me was the "ugly American" comments directed toward locals in the countries the contestants were in. They were downright hateful (the Jooj bros) to cabbies that did not understand them. So sorry the cowboys lost, oh well.

  15. have you seen the most recent "amazing race" news...i just received a facebook alert that "jeff from tar season 16 has the challenge of traveling @the world in 100 days for free???? pretty interesting, no? i thought you would want to know (you probably already do, but just in case)....counting down until bb! later, gator

  16. here is the alert.....i wasnt sure i could do it, or not......
    The Amazing Race TAR Season 16's Jeff Schroeder will be traveling Around the World For Free - Official Page this summer!! Will he be able to make it around the world in 100 days...for FREE?! Visit the official page and sign up for updates so you can keep tabs on him as he makes his way around the globe! Good luck, Jeff!
    Around The World For Free: Travel with Big Brother & Amazing Race star Jeff Schroeder!
    Tune in this summer, when The Amazing Race and Big Brother star Jeff Schroeder departs for his trip around the world … with nothing more than a backpack and the help of an online community. Where he'll go and how he'll get there have yet to be determined, but at least he won't be alone!

  17. Thanks! Yeah I saw it. I may or may not have thrown a mini tantrum on Twitter AND facebook. Why won't he go away?! We're discussing it at the Bitchy Network too. Feel free to come and join in.