Monday, October 25, 2010

Stick A Fork In Me

Norway. Land of cruise lines, fjords, and Vikings. Ravaged by the plague, left starving by the British, the Norwegians are a strong determined people. Full of pride and strength and whatnot. In all honesty, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I know nothing about Norway. I picture a very cold place with big bearded blondes canning fish and living on giant rickety boats. I mean, I'm sure there's more that goes on up there. I just have no idea what it is. Doesn't everyone get to go to college and take 18 months vacation out of the year while getting free health care? Oh wait, that's Denmark. Now, Denmark is a place I want to go. Everyone seems so happy there. Happy and well-educated. *sigh* Meanwhile, I'm stuck here in the land of idiots with Kelly Ripa in the background blabbering on and on about something. I don't know. I recently read Eat, Pray, Love and now I'm dissatisfied with everything. So very dissatisfied. *shrugs shoulders* Alright, let's try to do this. Let's recap, shall we?

We pick up where we left off - in Sweden. As Team Propofol (Nat & Kat) was the first to arrive, they're now the first to depart. They're instructed to drive to Norway and ride a Gondola to find the next clue. Clues, clues, clues. Everything is a damn clue. Little red and yellow striped hints to the unknown. I take issue with the use of the word "clue". What is it a clue to, where to go next? Those aren't clues, those are directions. Ugh. God, I hate this show! Alright so Nat & Kat take off and Team Miss Depends (Gary & Mallory) are the next to depart. Mallory is just so thrilled that her father gets to experience this before he, you know, dies. The guy is like my mom's age and I know she's not going anywhere anytime soon so what's Mallory's rush to get him in the ground. Is there a nice fat Will waiting for her or something? Since when did 60 mean you're knock knock knocking on heaven's door?

And then we come to Team Blood Diamond (Brook & Clair). Did you notice TAR added an 'E' to Clair's name last night? It was always E-less on the CBS website and now suddenly this 'E' appears and it's like "I'm here to stay bitches.". Well, screw you 'E'. I'm having none of thee. Potato girl will always be Clair to me. So, they open the clue and Brook launches into this monologue about how she's the most passionate person anyone anywhere has ever met. No, Brook. You're the most annoying person anyone anywhere has ever met. You make girls who live for Tiffany & Co. never want to receive another blue box for the rest of their lives. When jewelry, no matter how valuable, hears your voice, fingers, necks, and wrists everywhere turn green. Brook is one of those girls that no matter where you go or whomever you're with, she always has to be the center of attention. I can see why she's friends with boring Potato Clair. There's zero chance of that lump ever stealing the spotlight. The most she'll do is shake salt over herself and dip a finger or two in ketchup. Brook then goes on to tell us that Clair is a "quiet storm". I think that was her way of calling Clair fat and boring. I could be wrong though.

Elsewhere, on Team Jack & Jill (Jill & Thomas), Jack is mad that Jill didn't go to college. You see, she went to cosmetology school and he went to Notre Dame and somehow this bothers him. Oh, give me a break. It's not like Jack is sitting around smoking a pipe and pondering James Joyce at all hours of the day. He's probably just pissed she doesn't know the football cheers and wasn't in a sorority. They read the gondola clue and Jack looks all smug and says, "Oh yeah, I've ridden lots of gondolas." Like Gondola Class was something that was offered at Notre Dame. Yeah Jill, too bad you didn't go to Notre Dame. Otherwise you'd know how to sit in a little capsule thing and stare out the window. Too bad you went to cosmotology school. You'll be oh so lost when you climb inside. Why, you're liable to trip or bang your head against the window or something. My god girl, why didn't you go to Notre Dame?!?

Over at the gondola thing, Nat is crying because she's scared of heights. It's not like she has to walk a tightrope or anything. She literally just has to sit her ass down and do nothing else. She sucks up her snot and makes her way to the top where Team Propofol discovers a Fast Forward. If they want to, they can participate in a Norwegian Christmas tradition and then skip forward all the way to the Pit Stop. Well, of course they want to do it. I mean, why not? They're instructed to head to a cabin and they're all excited because they just looooove Christmas. Nat wonders if they'll get to wear cute Christmas outfits and dress up as Vikings. Kat just hopes it's not an eating challenge. She tells us repeatedly that she's been a vegetarian for 22 years. Did you hear that? 22 years. 22 whole long years Kat has been a vegetarian and the idea of meat touching her lips makes her want to hurl. Little does she know that the Fast Forward is to eat an entire sheep's head.

Normally, something like this would make me giddy with glee, but I HATE this show. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! I don't want to blog it anymore. It's a waste of my time churning out this crap and it's a waste of your time reading it.

Anyhow, they arrive at a tiny solemn cabin where it's very quiet and lit by candles. It kind of looks like a place a serial killer might have built and taken his unsuspecting victims. Nevertheless Nat & Kat come bursting through the door screeching, "Merry Christmas!" Kat searches for some cute Christmas outfits - perhaps red patent leather boots or a green velvet corset - but instead all she finds are ominous place settings. She gulps nervously, looks to Nat in fear, and then is confronted with a giant animal head. The girls quickly tear the meat off the head and into little bites so they don't actually have to stare into the eyes of the animal while eating. I may not care for this team, but that was pretty smart. Kat takes it a step further and decides to forego chewing altogether. She tilts her head back, tosses in a hunk of meat, and swallows. In the end, they finish and cruise into first place at the Pit Stop.

At this point the other teams are confronted with a Road Block where they have to rappel off of a bridge, get a clue from a boat, and then lift themselves back up to the top. Most of the teams are doing it with no problem, but Clair approaches and sinks like a sack of... potatoes. She makes it down ok, but getting up is the tricky part. She's huffing and puffing, Brook is yelling at her to think of her dead grandmother, and at home I shoved a fireplace poker into my eye. I don't want to watch this anymore! I hate these people. I hate this race. I hate everything!!!

After the bridge rappel thing, teams have to either ride bikes or navigate some boat somewhere. Team Dumb Ass (Nick & Vicki) decide to do the bike thing and Nick tells us that he's some dirt bike prodigy who rode a BMX out of the womb. Instead of delighting us with his biking flights of fancy, he runs out of breath and is forced to walk his bike up the hill.

I don't know. What else happened? Chad was a douche, Kevin continued to bore us senseless, and Hashbrown Clair taught some Norwegian man how to pick his underwear out of his ass.

That's it. I'm done. I just can't anymore. Team Spike (Katie & Rachel) went home in the end. Who cares?

I don't get paid to write this drivel and I just can't justify doing this particular show anymore. If next season is All Stars, maybe I'll blog it. I'm sort of leaning towards blogging Celebrity Apprentice instead. It's a Sunday night show. I think it starts in the Winter and Richard Hatch and NeNe Leakes will be on it. Would that be something you guys would be interested in? I need to be inspired in order to write something funny and Amazing Race just isn't doing it for me. If you read my Bitchy Survivor Blog you know what inspired writing looks like and this here sure as hell isn't it.

I'm sorry if I've let anyone down, but I need to go with my gut and my gut is telling me that this is a colossal waste of time.

Monday, October 18, 2010

No Blog This Week

I've been sitting here for hours trying to write this thing and it just sucks. Rather than give you something that's horrible and that I'll regret later, I'm passing on this week. I'm not in the mood to force something that doesn't work. I really hate this show and it's making me angry to the point where inspiration just isn't coming. I refuse to waste any more of my day on this.

My apologies. I know I suck. I'll flog myself later.

I'll just leave it to you guys to write about in the comments. The floor is yours.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I Think We Have To Circle Small African Children

Ghana. *sigh* We're still in Ghana when we should have been gone-a. The phrase "race around the world" implies that one should be constantly on the move, you know, racing. Instead we're treated to an episode of jump roping where teams hardly advanced in distance at all. And, can we please address how this show is always starting late? If I wasn't so OCD about covering all three CBS reality shows, I would have bailed on The Amazing Race a long time ago. It's hard to write about, it's never reliable, and, more often than not, I'm just plain bored. I'm in a bit of a hurry this morning so I'm totally phoning this in. I admit it. I own it. I roll around naked in it. The Amazing Race sucks and so will this blog post. Let's recap, shall we?

OK so we're in Ghana and Ghana is where we're gonna stay. As Team Blood Diamond (Brook & Clair) was the first team to finish, they're now the first to depart. The clue tells them to skip down the road apiece to some Boxing Academy. I sat up a little straighter in hopes that I'd get to to see Clair beat the crap out of Brook. Seriously, you just know she wants to. Don't you also think it's weird that both of their names are oddly absent of E's? It's not BrookE, it's Brook and it's not ClairE, it's Clair. Did they sail over from the old country where the E's were dropped in the ocean because Ellis Island simply couldn't take the extra letters? I don't know. It's always bugged me and I'm in a bad mood this morning so... there ya go.

After some jumping up and down on Brook's part - men were boxing and this excited her - the team encounters a Road Block. One team member has to wrap their hands with that boxing tape stuff properly, hit a speed bag for 60 seconds, and then jump rope for 60 more seconds before they can get their next clue. Really Amazing Race, really? That's the best you can come up with? You're in a country with elephants, lions, and castles and the best you can do is skip rope? God, I hate you. So Brook, refusing to let Potato Clair doing anything that affects the game in any way, shape, or form, insists on doing the challenge herself. Brook also spies all the strapping young African men ripe for kissing. If girlfriend can finagle a kiss from anyone with a penis then girlfriend is over the moon.

The Road Block begins and Brook is doing that over-narrating, talking to us like we're children thing she does. She wiggles her hips as she punches, she squeals as she jumps, and I'm pretty sure she slipped her trainer the tongue when he handed her the next clue. With mashed potato Clair in tow, they head to a supply depot for their next clue. Meanwhile, Teem Gleek (Connor & Jonathan) are making normal everyday chitchat with their cab driver Samson. They ask Samson where he's from (Ghana, duh), what he does for a living (cab driver, duh), and can he pretty please drive like the wind? Well Nerdy Nerds, today is your lucky day because Samson just happens to be Ghana's most decorated cabbie. He can weave in and out of traffic, pass herds of goats, and barrell down a dirt road like nobody's business. In gratitude, Team Gleek belts out another medley that goes something like this, "Pleeeease drive fasssssteeeer/Pleassse driiiive fasteeeeer/We loooooove Samsoooooon". It was charming and I want it for my ringtone.

The rest of the teams begin departing, but one sticks out more than any other. It's Team Woo (Michael & Kevin) - boring, uninteresting, not nearly as funny as I thought they'd be - Team Woo. They're at the boxing challenge and Baby Wu, like Brook, is refusing to let his partner participate in anything. He's so sure his dad completely sucks ass that he won't even let him consider lifting a finger. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't teams have to share the challenges? I distinctly remember in past seasons that team members had to do an even number of challenges. Anyhow, Baby Wu thinks that at 19 he can outdo his elderly 59 year old father at everything in life. First off, 59 is hardly elderly. Secondly, Papa Wu looks more like he's 79 than 59. Thirdly, how the hell is Baby Wu on this show in the first place if he's not even 21? If you can't tell already, I just don't like this team at all. For people who do comedy videos online, they're dreadfully boring and it pisses me off. I feel like asking for my money back. Alright so Baby Wu does the challenge and, of course, he screws it up. I giggled when his father told him to concentrate harder and then I went right back to hating them.

After the boxing challenge, teams had to load wheelbarrows with all sorts of construction stuff and then deliver them to a foreman at a school. Team Blood Diamond arrives first where Brook promptly snatches the clue out of Clair's hand and insists on doing the task all by herself. Little does Brook know that the clue calls for both team members to push wheelbarrows and no matter how hard she tries she just can't make Clair evaporate into thin air. Potatoes are carbs Brook. They sit around and linger until you burn them off. Next time try lighting Poor Clair on fire. That might work. Bossy Brook delivers her one wheelbarrow only to discover that, drat!, that stupid hunk of potato salad was supposed to participate after all. They head back to the start while Clair sprinkles herself with a dash of paprika.

After the wheelbarrow thing where Team Blood Diamond wasn't the only team who forgot both 'barrows, teams then have to sit in a school classroom and guess where Ghana is on the map of Africa. I'd love to make fun of all them for being idiots, but even I had no clue where Ghana was. I knew it was in the West and on the water, but that's about it. Then again, if I was stuck on a flight from England to Ghana and wasn't allowed to read a book or play on my laptop, I probably would have read the inflight literature from cover to cover where, chances are, a map of Africa would have been clearly printed. I take it back then - they're all idiots. They definitely should have known where Ghana was. After several tries and their parents regretting the hundreds of thousands of dollars they're spending on an Ivy League education, Team Gleek finally figures out where Ghana is. They swear to the African children that Princeton is a good school. Of course Princeton is a good school. Brooke Shields went there! When I was 8 years old I dreamt of going to Princeton so I could be friends with Brooke. I don't know why, but I just assumed she'd keep failing and would still be there by the time I arrived. In the end, Brooke didn't fail (wasn't she valedictorian?) and I never even applied. Turns out Princeton didn't have an adequate Department in Bitching - plus it was in New Jersey. No thanks.

Now we arrive at the Detour: Bicycle Parts or Language Arts. In Bicycle Parts, teams have to play a children's game where they roll a bike rim down rough terrain without letting it fall. In Language Arts, teams have to choose a proverb containing 8 highlighted phrases. They have to find the symbols to the 8 phrases on some giant mural wallpaper thing and circle them with a piece of chalk on the end of a wand. Team Gleek chooses the Language Arts detour and very methodically and logically they use the decoder, hunt for the symbols, and accurately circle the phrase that pays. In a stunning turn of events, Team Gleek actually reaches the Pit Stop first and they each win $5000. Good for them. They're paying attention, singing their way through difficult situations, and proving to be much more entertaining than that lame Team Woo.

Speaking of Team Woo, they also forgot one of their wheelbarrows and I'm going to go ahead and blame it on Baby Wu. He's got a touch of the Brook in him and I'm sure in his haste to do everything himself he just couldn't let daddy contribute at all. Conversely, Team Dumb Ass (Nick & Vicki) were actually working together quite well. Vicki was reading off the list, Nick was loading the wheelbarrows, and all seemed fluffy and covered in marshmallows. I smiled at the tattooed duo as they were finally making up for that miserable showing in England. I sat at home with smug satisfaction and toyed with the idea of changing their name back to Team Bad Ass.

As I imagined my beloved Team Dumb Ass enrolling into Princeton after this silly race was all said and done, something materialized that made me reconsider everything I know to be sacred in the world (glitter and gin). It turns out that Vicki misread the list and they loaded two cement bags instead of one. Instead of goofily laughing and smacking his head, Nick must have secretly drank that concoction that Dr. Jeckyll drank way back when in the olden timey days because I'm at a loss for what happened next. Nick, quite plainly, turned into Dick and all hell broke loose. Out of nowhere, he starts yelling at Vicki for being stupid. He tells her to shut up, calls her a moron, and even says she's not even as smart as a fifth grader. (Hey wait, isn't that a Fox show?) I was sad as I watched Vicki just sigh and take it. I got that icky feeling in my tummy that told me this Nick/Dick behavior was nothing new and something Vicki was used to hearing.

Dear Vicki, You seem like a lovely girl. You have big dreams and an even bigger heart. Please, I beg of you, please kick that dirtbag to the curb! No one should ever, not even in anger, tell you you're stupid or make fun of you. Honey, he was doing it on NATIONAL TELEVISION! It's not acceptable and, quite frankly, a little humiliating if you stay with him. I understand that people sometimes get frustrated and angry, but the way he did it really gave me, and every other woman out here, the creeps. I don't know. It made me sad to watch him try to hurt and belittle you like that. It was done with such venom that it physically made me cringe. I have no idea if you're reading this, but you deserve better. Get out while you can. An asshole like that will only hold you back in life and make you feel like you're not worth it. Even Chad of Team Fisticuffs, who I joke probably beats Stephanie, never yelled at her with as much hate as Nick/Dick yelled at you. That's all. Just had to let you know how disturbing the whole thing truly was. Love, Lala

So while Dick was throwing verbal stones at Vicki, Team Miss Depends (Gary & Mallory) are just happy not have another broken car this time around. They're more dismayed at the state of the schools in Ghana, but you know what? I thought those children seemed really happy. They were dressed in uniforms, had lovely teachers, and were enthusiastic and excited. They took great pleasure in laughing at the silly Americans who guessed Ghana wrong on the map and that tells me they had a certain sense of superiority that comes with the thrill of knowledge. Just because something is different doesn't necessarily mean it's bad.

*shakes off the good and happy thoughts* Alright so where were we? Oh yes, Team Blood Diamond is trying to figure out where Ghana is and, for some reason, Clair keeps screaming, "Go Bam! You got this Bamma!" to Brook. Did I miss something? Since when did Brook become Bam or Bamma? Clair shouted the phrase so damn much that it almost felt prompted to me. Like, oh I don't know, maybe the night before in a dimly lit hotel room Brook held a Swiss Army Knife under Clair's chin and demanded a nickname that'll follow her through time for kingdom come. Something about it seemed very out of place and forced. Did anyone else notice this or was I tipping the gin too much last night?

Team Jack & Jill (Jill & Thomas), who got very little air time, somehow managed to guess where Ghana was but then got stuck at the proverb challenge. They had the proverb and could see the giant mural of symbols, but they couldn't find the decoder. Jack starts shaking unsuspecting African children upside down hoping something was lurking down their shirts. He rips apart the one textbook for the entire village and then systematically shreds the school's paper allowance for the entire year. No wonder teams had to stick around an extra day and do some rebuilding. Jack, in a matter of minutes, annihilated the entire Ghanian school budget for 2010! Meahwhile off in another corner of the schoolyard, in an effort to solve the proverb, Clair was rounding up random children and encircling them in chalk. Frightened innocent eyes looked to the camera man for help while a strange potato lady performed some weird Western ritual. I don't know if Clair was planning her next meal or what, but, for some reason, a giant decoder on the side of the building was like a needle in a haystack last night.

Just when every woman in America had heard about enough out of Team Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde, Dick is now in the classroom calling Vicki stupid for not guessing Ghana right. In a turn of divine providence, Dick also guesses Ghana wrong. I so wanted Vicki to stand up at that moment, point at him, and shout, "Loser! God, you're so stupid!" Instead she coddled him and told him it was ok. Dick spat in her face or something and I somehow knew right then and there that Vicki is never going to leave that douchebag. They moved on to the bicycle challenge where again Vicki offered moral support only to get vitriol and some kicks to the ovaries in return. When Vicki finally crumbled into a full blown asthma attack, Dick started to get pangs of those pesky things called "feelings". He tells us how brave she is and how he should respect her yadda yadda yadda. Give me a fucking break! Look asshole, it's your fucking fault she had the asthma attack in the first place. I have no doubt that Vicki is one confused jumbled ball of anxiety whenever Dick is within 10 yards of her. Add on top of that a race, lots of yelling, and unbelievable heat and you've got a recipe for a breakdown. Dick is disgusting. He's like those assholes who hit their women and then hug them afterwards saying they never meant to do it. It's gross.

I'm going to just skip forward a little bit because I've gone and made myself all angry now. All the teams including Team Dr. Jeckyl & Mr. Hyde end up finishing at some point or another except for Team Woo and Team Propofol (Nat & Kat). Team Propofol, although boring and annoying, had always seemed to be pretty tough in the past. This time around though everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. They had a cab driver who drove them to Kenya and, for some reason, they interpreted a clue saying "proceed on foot" as "follow the footpath" and ended up halfway to god knows where. So while Team Propofol was crossing the Egyptian border, Team Woo was struggling at the bicycle challenge. Papa Wu just about had a heart attack because his boring untrusting son kept making him run when the poor guy just wanted to walk. Medics were brought in and Baby Wu got a twinge of that Dick asthma attack guilt thing. Eventually, Papa Wu got his strength back and was able to finish the challenge and with some clever editing we were led to believe that it was a close foot race between Team Propofol and Team Woo for final two. In the end, it didn't matter because even though Team Woo came in last, it was a nonelimination leg and we're forced to endure them for at least another week.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? You think Dick smacks around Vicki in his spare time? Where the hell did the name "Bam" come from? Will we ever leave Ghana? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Again, sorry this sucked today. I have to housesit for my mom and her 8 thousand dogs this week and I'm running very late this morning. While I'm busy picking up poop, you might want to head on over to The Cake. It just launched last night and my first article is up. It's properly punctuated and everything. So exciting!

Monday, October 4, 2010

I Want My Mom

Akwaaba to Ghana! West Africa's Warrior King. A land of 47 local languages, tropical sweltering heat, and overly discerning sunglass wearers. It's a country rich in history, colorful textiles, and mesmerizing war dances. Ghana's tourism site claims it's not only the Land Of Sunshine, but the friendliest nation in Africa. I'm thinking Kenya and Egypt might take issue with that statement, but, you know what? That's what makes Ghana so fascinating. They're a proud people with horrible traffic and Flintstones style tv antennas yet they think, or rather they know, they're nothing short of awesome. Home to hippos, crocodiles, and the world's largest artificial lake Ghana wants you to come visit and frolic on it's beaches. No offense Ghana, but no thanks. I'm scared to death of needles and your lovely country requires a Yellow Fever vaccination. Yellow and Fever are so not my colors. Also, your website brags about a "reasonably good health service". Hell to the nuh uh! The only thing I want "reasonably good" is an installment of the Real Housewives not my health care. I think I'll watch the Anthony Bourdain episode that takes place in Ghana instead of visiting in person. I do thank you though for hosting a most interesting episode of the Amazing Race last night. Let's recap, shall we?

Before we can get to Africa, we've got to get the hell out of England. Teams are instructed to head to Heathrow and board the 6 hour flight to Accra. As Team Jack & Jill (Jill & Thomas) were the first to finish, they're now the first to depart. They head to the airport, high on their Express Pass win, and are quick to discover that there's only one flight a day servicing Ghana. Jill kicks some English cobblestones and begrudgingly waits for all the other teams to arrive. Meanwhile, back at Eastnor Castle, Brook of Team Blood Diamond (Brooke & Claire) is busy making out with locals in exchange for directions to the airport. Potato-y Claire stands on the sidelines with visions of watermelons bursting in her head. After Brook services a lonely English farmer - in his tractor no less! - she wipes her mouth and declares "A kiss saves the day!". Yes Brook, a kiss saves the day and chlamydia is an epidemic. Just sayin'. After Brook collects her sixpence, she and Claire Au Gratin make their way to the airport with Team Gleek (Connor & Jonathan) and Team Spike (Katie & Rachel) in tow. How Brook became the head of this odd collection of weary travelers is a mystery to me. Actually, who the hell am I kidding? Brook and her overbearing overbearingness are enough to lull anyone into quiet resignation. Just look at Claire. Poor poor Claire of the Order of the Poor Claires. (name the movie in the comments and you're a big weiner!)

OK so everyone gets on the plane and lands safely in Accra, Ghana. Waves crash on the African shore, children dance in the streets, market vendors prepare their wares, and a gaggle of unruly Americans come bursting in to muck it all up. Hands waving maniacally, teams yell and scream for taxis and frantically make their way to some Memorial Park. Brook looks out the window of her cab in overexaggerated awe. The sight of people carrying things on their heads is just too much for her. She wants to kiss them all and maybe sell them a cracked ruby or something. In another cab, Chad of Team Fisticuffs (Chad & Stephanie) finds the trash littering the roadsides "unbelievable". Stephanie nods in submission and mumbles, "It's amazing."

Over in Team Gleek's cab, it's not all magic and wonderment at the new sights and smells. As a matter of fact, it's a scary knee wobbling bowel leaking bit of a clusterfuck. A local man approaches Team Gleek's window asking for money and Connor or Jonathan (who really cares who's who) tries to swoosh him away with apologies and forlorn faces. Jonathan or Connor curls up into a ball and mutters, "I feel unsafe." The strange man wanting change spits on the duo (probably giving them Yellow Fever) and in response - in what has to be the funniest moment of the entire episode - Team Gleek holds hands, closes their eyes, and belts out in unison, "Please driiiive faaaasteerrrrr." When it happened last night, I had to pause my tv and allow ample time for laughter. Watching it again this morning... more pausing, more laughter. I could almost sympathize with Team Gleek in that moment because on my very first trip to New York City, back when Time Square was a hotbed of hookers and not a Disney amusement park, a homeless man banged on our windshield wanting money. I clutched my purple unicorn purse, checked that my baby sister was ok, and begged my mom to run him over so we could get to the Marriot Marquis already. Ok so I might not have been the most sympathetic 8 year old, but I had musicals to see and Bloomingdales to discover. Priorities bitches, priorities.

Eventually, all the teams make it to the park and are then instructed to make their way to Makola Market to find their next clue. Brook yells at Claire to pick up her french fry legs and get a move on. Team Don't Abort Me (Andie & Jenna), on the other hand, is in last place and they couldn't give a fig. Andie, with her tired eyes and oddly botoxed chin, mosies like she's out picking strawberries for a fruit salad. All she cares about is that she's there with Jenna - the daughter she left on the steps of the orphanage in the thick of night. Look, it's lovely that you want to make up for lost time and all, but why not go to a mountain retreat together and get to know one another? You could hike, ride horses, take a few pictures and, you know, have a conversation that doesn't contain the words "pit stop". I never understand these teams who go on the Amazing Race to "get to know each other". Who do they think they're fooling? You want to win a million dollars, be on TV, and see the world for free. Stop pretending like it's one big therapy session.

Teams begin to arrive at Makola Market where they discover it's not exactly Whole Foods. Hell, it's not even a flea market at a fairground. It's a giant maze of thousands of people with baskets on their heads, merchants in tiny stalls selling produce, and weavers working in the hot sun making colorful garments. Papa Wu of Team Woo (Michael & Kevin) is no stranger to this kind of market. As a kid in Taiwan he probably spent many days of the week in such a place. I, too, am no stranger to this kind of market. I've been to the Bahamas. That Nassau Straw Market can get crazy on a Saturday in July let me tell you. I challenge anyone to escape that place without their hair braided or a new beaded anklet. Sarcasm aside, the Makola Market is overwhelming to say the least which makes it the perfect place for a Road Block.

Teams have to compete in a sea of vendors to sell $10 American worth of sunglasses. Brook hears the word "sell", pushes Claire into a ladel of gravy, and is off to do what she does best - make out with locals. Brook's Bordello is open for business and she begins to charm the men with promises of kisses and happy endings. Papa Wu took a different approach targeting the older women in the market. He said please, they said yes, and that was it. Baby Wu, who for an internet "sensation" is proving to be a gigantic bore, is shocked his father actually did something right. Off in another section of the market, Chad is taking a page from Brook's handbook and using sex to sell. He flirts with the young women doing lots of eye winking and ass grabbing. I'm thinking he's no stranger to sexual assault charges so it's all good. Snotty Jill, overwhelmed by all the, you know, foreign people isn't having any luck selling her glasses so she gets mad and mutters, "It's not faiiiir." Oh shut up, Veruca. You piss me off.

Back en route to the market, Team Miss Depends (Gary & Mallory) have clearly angered some sort of ancient god that rules over all things mechanical. Once again, they've broken the car they're riding in and I have to wonder if perhaps they're cursed. In England they got a flat tire and in Ghana they just simply busted the entire cab. If these two chuckleheads ever visit your part of town, do NOT let them borrow your car. I'm envisioning their front lawn littered with all sorts of car parts and tire sculptures.

Kat of Team Propofol (Nat & Kat) stands with her rack of glasses and whispers, "Glasses for sale." Good luck with that honey. Meanwhile, Veruca (that's Jill's new name) begins to make some headway with a large robust smiling woman with her new glasses on. Fortunately for us, girlfriend likes to dance and pose. Unfortunately for Veruca, homegirl ain't got no cash. Veruca grabs her glasses and golden geese and curses the happy Ghanians out to have a good time.

After telling a black woman she looks just like Paris Hilton, Brook grabs her dough and her potato pancake (Claire) and heads to the June 4th area where a Detour awaits at the Peace Motor Spare Parts store. Teams can either Tune In or Check Out. In 'Tune In', teams have to make their way to an electrical parts store and pick up a television antenna system. Once they've properly installed the antenna to the homeowner's satisfaction they can receive their next clue. In 'Check Out' teams make their way to a woodworking shop where coffins are created to represent the lifestyle of their eventual occupants. Once they pick a coffin, they have to transport it through the back streets of town to a show room. It was here that I began to wonder what my coffin would look like. I decided on a 1920's bathtub with ornate cast iron legs and a giant paddle oar sticking out the side. I'm pretty sure my bathtub gin business is what I'm most famous for.

OK so Team Blood Diamond decide to do 'Tune In' and Brook wastes no time getting to work. You see, Brook is the only one doing anything on that damn team. Latke Claire spies a child stirring porridge and tries to steal a spoonful from the pot. Brook reprimands Claire telling her to focus. Claire pouts running her fingers through her hash brown hair as the child grabs her only pot of food for the week and runs away from the scary deep fried Claire. Brook climbs on the roof, hammers away, crawls underneath rickety beams, runs wires here and there, all the while delivering customer service with a smile, and what do you suppose Claire is doing this whole time? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She just sits there and sweats barbecue sauce or some shit like that. I may not be able to stand Brook or her raspy sugar coated phony voice, but the girl is a go-getter and I can't hate her for that. Claire, on the other hand, is a casserole. A useless lumpy tater tot casserole hastily put together at the last minute and topped off with left over dried up cheese.

The other teams begin to finish the sunglass challenge and most are choosing to do the antenna challenge which I don't understand because it not only sounds hard, but I'm sure electrocution is possible. Thankfully, Team Spike chooses 'Check Out' and I was able to fulfill of fantasy of seeing a keyboard shaped coffin carted through the streets of Ghana. It wasn't the easiest of challenges, but it beats setting fire to a shanty town or frying your fingers off. There are two things in this world that frighten me: carnies and electrocution. Carnies are weasly trouble makers with small hands and electrocution will most definitely result in a bad hair day so yeah... neither for me thanks.

Back at the market, Veruca has earned back her name Jill as, much to Jack's (Thomas') dismay, she's pointing out scratches on the glasses to potential buyers. I don't understand this girl at all. She gets mad when the locals try to smile at her yet she blows a sale by apologizing for the condition of her cheap plastic sunglasses. Honey, those are TJ Maxx glasses. They're Marshall's glasses. You buy a bundle, lose them in your car and at restaurants, and then you buy some more. No big deal. While Jill is deciding on a personality, Nick of Team Dumb Ass (Nick & Vicki) struggles. He shifts uncomfortably, shows off some tattoos, and then wanders around hoping maybe the whole sunglass challenge will just magically disappear somehow. His heart wasn't in it at all and it was infuriating to watch. He just stood there! Look, you're never going to see these people again. Just suck it up and sell. The locals were fascinated with his tattoos. Why he didn't capitalize on that is beyond me. I really wanted Team Dumb Ass to wow me or at least mutter some more stupid stuff for me to laugh at. Instead they were boring. Bo-ring! Hayden Moss boring, if you will.

At this point, Team Blood Diamond has finished first winning a 10 day trip to Hawaii. Hey Brook, do me a favor and drop Claire off in the center of a big giant active volcano while you're there. I think I recall Tori Amos mentioning one called Pele. I wouldn't be surprised if Pele likes potatoes. Team Spike finishes second with Team Woo rounding out the top three.

Back at the antenna challenge Team Gleek is having a hard time putting a nail to wood so they flat out give up and leave a family without the gift of televsion - the cruelest gift imaginable if you ask me. Connor even has the audacity to ask the child of the televisionless house for a high five before he skedaddles. The child gives Connor the stink eye and regretfully looks forward to a life without Nickelodeon and cartoons. Over at the coffin challenge, Team Gleek continues to wreak their reign of terror over the once happy country of Ghana as they stop traffic with their giant fish coffin. Cars crash around them, locals hurl insults in 47 languages, and Ghanians everywhere decided to never ever sing again.

Nearing the end of this sweaty Ghanian mess, we find Mallory smearing her eyeliner all over her face, Andie catching a nap in the back of her cab, and Team Propofol yacking about how they tied surgical knots. Look, we get it. You're doctors. We know. But it's not like you're surgeons. You give people gas. I once met a guy at a Phish concert doling out Nitris in giant balloons and he wasn't all that special so neither are you two bores. Let's wrap this up shall we cuz I'm getting annoyed. Team Don't Abort Me is the last team to arrive and they're eliminated from the race. Good. That's all I got... "Good". Now they can trot off to the Elimination Station and stop talking about how much they want to know each other and instead actually, you know, get to know each other!

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Does Claire serve any purpose whatsoever? How the hell does Baby Wu have a million suscribers on youtube? Will that little televisionless boy ever forgive Team Gleek? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

I've got 2 Elimination Stations for you today. Please to enjoy:

Monday, September 27, 2010

Right In The Kisser


In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, lived a strange race of people... the Druids. No one knows where they came from or what they were doing, but their legacy remains, hewn into the living rock... Stonehenge. *begin raucous guitar solo*

England. America's cranky stepfather where people talk funny, drink warm beer, and, strangely enough, get to go to the doctor for free. Sure, I've been to England and it's lovely and all that, but I prefer to imagine my England just a teeny tiny more rustic than it is now. I want scullery maids in the basement, old ladies singing in the darkness selling flowers to ne'erdowells, and gangs of orphan children with page boy caps stealing fruit from street vendors. You know, lots of letter writing, bowing to one another, and dance cards at parties. I want Keira Knightley and Kate Winslet in empire waisted gowns while Richard E. Grant sneers off in a corner somewhere sneaking a cigarette. Throw in Johnny Depp in a pair of shorty shortpants and a face disfiguring case of Syphillis and we've got the England of my dreams. So, pip pip cheerio, let's all enjoy a fag and wave at a lorry because England is where season 17 of the Amazing Race kicked off. Let's recap, shall we?

Picture it. Phil, our giant pants'd leader standing on a grand estate in Gloucester, Massachusetts. The air is breezy, seagulls circle above squawking ominously while 12 innocent duos bounce around the choppy water in commercial lobster boats. The smell of fish is in the air as burly ship captains picking chum out of their teeth watch from a distance with smug disdain. It was all so seaport-y and made me want to dip crab leg after crab leg into delicious melted butter. Actually, the last time I was in Gloucester was for a Nine Inch Nails concert. I was wearing black leather pants and a "fuck you" look on my face. I think I stepped on some bitch's foot in the mosh pit and she yanked my hair in response. I'm sorry, but who enters a mosh pit at an industrial show with bare feet? So yeah, I watched Phil and his pants welcome the new teams and the whole time I had a hankering for shellfish and an inexplicable urge to fight. When Phil held his finger to the sky, crouched down, and shouted "GO!", I may or may not have done a fist pump while slurping down some clam chowder.

The race is on and teams discover they are to fly to London on one of two flights and head directly to Stonehenge. The first flight arriving at Heathrow 30 minutes earlier than the second can only take 3 teams. In addition, the team that wins this leg of the race also gets the fancy new Express Pass. No, it's not a discount card to Express. It is, in fact, a pass that can be used at any time in the next 8 legs to bypass a challenge you don't want to complete. It's kind of a huge deal and teams will fight to the death to get it. Right off the bat we discover that Team Blood Diamond (Brook & Claire) is going to be annoying - like really, really annoying. Brook has this urge to narrate everything while simultaneously shrieking in that shrill voice of hers. Conversely, Team Gleek (Connor & Jonathan) is just happy to be there. They get lost on the way to the airport and instead of panicking and freaking out like Brook would have done, guess what they do? Yup, they sing about it. They're so lost duwop, duwop a diddy doo... oh so lost duwop, duwop a diddy doo. When life gives these guy lemons, they give us a song.

I've flown out of Logan Aiport an awful lot and, let me tell you, it's not the easiest airport to access. Driving in Boston is like driving in an M.C. Escher drawing. You go West and end up South. You turn right and find yourself underground with all the Mole People in Manhattan. It's a nightmare so I was pretty impressed when Team Silent Thunder (Ron & Tony), Team Jack & Jill (Jill & Thomas), and Team Fisticuffs (Chad & Stephanie) made it relatively quickly to the ticket counter and onboard that first flight. Team Gleek arrives at the airport last and *shrugs shoulders* it totally cool shooby dee doo because they're making new friends and having a smashing time.

So now we fly across the pond and find ourselves in merry old England. I smiled to myself remembering the woman at the British Museum I once got into a heated debate with about witchcraft. She was colorful and eccentric and resembled Eliza Doolittle before the makeover. OK so the first plane arrives and Teams quickly discover that shifting and driving on the wrong side of the road isn't exactly the easiest of tasks. Chad, of Team Fisticuffs, is especially angry. He kicks Steph's seat from behind screaming for her to get her shit together. She covers her head and cries while driving in circles around Heathrow Airport. She just wants to take in the sights and, oh I don't know, maybe visit the Tower Of London and the Tate while she's in town. Maybe they could score some tickets for Sister Act in the West End or at least hit the Doc Marten superstore. Chad, on the other hand, wonders if there's a knife shop and an abandoned storage unit conveniently located on the way to Stonehenge.

The second plane arrives and Brook is absolutely floored that Claire can shift left handed. She gushes and writhes and, I'm not certain, but I think she touched herself a little bit in the backseat. Over on Team Propofol (Nat & Kat), Nat is sitting in the front seat of her car pricking her finger. I thought for a second we might have our first ever Amazing Race blood oath or maybe she was casting a spell like those chicks did in The Craft when they pricked their fingers. I mean, it's not so far fetched that one would want to cast a spell in England. Those Ley Lines run through everything over there so I totally get it. Turns out Nat has Type 1 Diabetes. *yawn* One of these seasons, so help me Pru Halliwell, I will get a witch on this damn show!

Off in another car Team Don't Abort Me (Andie & Jenna) is having a few problems. Not only does Andie probably suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but she also doesn't know how to drive a stick. Look, I don't know how to drive a stick either, but you better believe I'd learn before I went on the Amazing Race. Randomly shifting and pushing pedals is what Richard Gere did in Pretty Woman. Sure, he got a hooker willing to touch his wangdoodle after all was said and done, but Andie was just burning up the inner parts of her car and screwing up British traffic patterns. It's a good thing Andie and Jenna are virtual strangers because I'm pretty sure if Jenna actually knew that woman attempting to drive her around a foreign country she would have piped up and said something. Instead, she sat there stone faced thinking of her other mom, her better mom - the mom who can not only bake a mean chocoloate chip cookie and send her to college, but the mom who didn't place her in a woven basket and shove her upstream when things got tough.

At this point both Team Blood Diamond and Team Propofol have made it to Stonehenge where the demons dwell, the banshees live, and the children dance to the pipes of Pan. In all honesty, Stonehenge is kind of underwhelming in person. Sure, it's mysterious, but you can't even go up to the rocks unless you're a Druid on Solstice day with government permission. They say the ground is sinking or something so you have to see it from a roped off area and buy yourself a handy dandy Stonehenge book, post card, and an "I didn't get to touch the rocks so all I got was this stupid shirt instead" t-shirt at the gift shop.

Once at Stonehenge teams receive their next clue: Find the castle opposite of Noreaster. Team Propofol asks someone at the Stonehenge gift stop about the clue and is told that it must refer to Eastnor Castle. Team Blood Diamond and Team Propofol immediately decide to team up because Brook, kicking back with a smoke smiling to hereslf, has decided that Nat & Kat are good people - good, salt of the Earth, hard working chicks not unlike herself just navigating through life trying to make a quick buck and looking good doing it. She'll be friends with those gals for life. Unless, of course, they win and take the million from her. Otherwise, she totally plans on calling on them and giving them some sweet discounts on jewelry.

Team Don't Abort Me isn't the only team having car trouble. Team Spike (Katie & Rachel) are stalled on a hill and Team Silent Thunder (Ron & Tony) are halfway back to America at this point. They have no idea where the hell they're going and as every minute passes, their kick ass lead is becoming more of a distant memory. Then we hear it... one of the gems. No, it's not a hot new product Brook is peddling. It's a lovely chocolate dipped air-headed witticism from Vicki on Team Bad Ass (Nick & Vicki). Let's just say, she's Jughead's (Survivor Nicaragua) counterpart. Vicki has never heard of Stonehenge. She's never watched the National Geographic channel and I'm not even sure she graduated from the 8th grade. One thing I do know is that she's delightful in a dumb ass way. When she discovers Stonehenge is just a hunk of rocks she shrugs her shoulders, wonders when nap time is, and goes on with her life. Fancy information about the world and how it works just doesn't interest Vicki and I don't think I can hate her for that. She's comic relief and nothing more. People like Vicki always fascinate me because I can't help but wonder how they spend their days. Does she just run wild in a field of dandelions chasing butterflies or was she raised in the woods like Nell with no access to a television or a newspaper? Vicki, if you're reading this, please invite me over for cupcakes and kool-aid. I just want to sit in a corner and observe you going about your day. It'll be like Jane Goodall observing the chimps... fascinating.

Teams Propofol, Blood Diamond, and Jack & Jill arrive at Eastnor Castle where they're instructed to climb a wall guarded by angry peasants, retrieve a medieval flag, and cross the moat to a knight in shining armor. Back out on the road Team Miss Depends (Gary & Mallory), who has joined forces with Team Gleek, gets a flat tire at the petrol station. Team Gleek wants to help, but, let's be honest, I'm thinking they're about as good at changing a tire as they are at getting a date on a Saturday night. In the end, Team Gleek decides it's best they just go on alone. Besides, they've got vocal exercises to perform and ditties to invent.

The teams at the castle are quickly discovering that the boats shaped like bowls are about as seaworthy as giant hatboxes. The bitches keep tipping over and sinking. The secret is to balance yourself first and then go super slow across the moat. Jack & Jill do well with Jack whispering and being very supportive to Jill. Yes, I know his name is not Jack, but for the purpose of this blog, it is. Depsite Jack's bad hair, they make it to the other side first and race to meet their knight. Not long after the creamy and fuzzy lovely young Jack & Jill romance leaves our screens, we are once again greeted with Team Fisticuffs. Anger management Chad isn't playing around and he needs Steph to get her ass in gear before he shows her a thing or two (his angry fists) later on tonight back at the hotel. They're in the boat and Steph isn't sitting right, she's not breathing right, she's not speaking right... nothing Steph does is right so Chad, naturally, takes her head and shoves it under the water. He can probably move a corpse quicker than he can an incompetent girlfriend. As long as he and Corpse-y reach the Pit Stop together it should still totally count.

We get some quick glimpses of Team Silent Thunder totally lost, Team Bad Ass wondering which direction left is, and Team Spike catching up to Team Blood Diamond, but I began to wonder to myself, "What the hell happened to Team Woo (Michael & Kevin)?!" About an hour into the show and Team Woo is still nowhere to be found. I actually have in my notes, "Where the hell are the Asians?! Panda Express?" Turns out it would be a while before I got my answer.

OK so teams are now approaching the final challenge and it's a doozy. Someone has to shoot watermelons in a sling shot and knock over and knight in shining armor. Brook is THRILLED. She's "Oh my god you can do this! Oh my god this is the best! I am so proud of you! We need this!" thrilled. *sigh* Shit, another Meghan. Oh, you remember Meghan of the infamous "Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne". That incessant cheering crap that grates on my brain like nails on a chalkboard. After 85 seasons of Amazing Race, don't people know how annoying that shit is? Anyhow, teams begin hurling their melons and Jack and Nat kinda kicked ass at it. They both arrive at the Pit Stop respectively in first and second place which means Team Jack & Jill have won the Express Pass.

Brook is beginning to get nervous watching the other teams pass her. Claire kinda sucks ass at this watermelon thing so Brook ramps up her cheerleading. "You can do this chica! Right on sister! I am SO proud of you! You got this! You got this! C'mon Claire! Don't give up!" Claire snaps back, "I'm not giving up bitch!" Ok so maybe I took a little bit of creative license with that last quote, but that was basically the sentiment. What happens next is at once delightful and horrifying. Brook shouts, "Right in the kisser!" and Claire hurls that watermelon right. back. in. her. own. face. *cringes* Ooooouch. It was brutal. Funny, but brutal. That's not what makes it delightful though. What makes it delightful is that... wait for it... I've found my witch! Brook is a full-fledged soothsaying oracle reading witch! She said "Right in the kisser!" and it happened. If that's not magical, I don't know what is.

After Claire gets pummelled by the watermelon, she sits there with pink juicy chunks of goodness all over herself and says, "I can't feel my face." It was very Bobcat Goldthwait from the movie Blow. Poor girl's head is spinning, she's missing an eye, and her nose is inverted so she looks to Brook and innocently asks, "Well, what do we do now?" What do you think you do idiot?! You keep on keepin' on! Get your ass back up and start shooting more melons. Brook is very much like me in her callous disregard for potato-y Claire's misfortune. She tells her they have no choice. Claire whines that she can't see. Brook tells her to suck it up, "They don't call it the Amazing Race for nothin'!" LOL I almost liked Brook in that moment. Who the hell does Claire think she is anyway? She's the sidekick, the lesser one, the accoutrement. She better pipe down if she knows what's good for her. Eventually Claire gets her shit together and Team Blood Diamond finishes right after Team Gleek who is in 3rd place. Team Spike finishes not long after and places in 5th.

Back at the boats, guess who's finally decided to show up? It's Team Woo! I was kind of hoping for some Mr. Miyagi Jedi mind tricks on the boat, but it wasn't to be. I'm actually amazed they made it across at all. Over at the knights, Team Fisticuffs is now attempting the watermelons. Chad needs a place to channel his aggression and a helpless knight in shining armor is just the ticket. He manages to smash it quickly enough, but it's what happens next that is of note. Chad insists that the Pit Stop is on the other side of the castle. You can tell by Steph's face that she's not exactly in agreement, but another black eye is the last thing she wants so she stays quiet and goes along with it. They circle this way. They circle that way. They head to Scotland. The hike across Dublin. It was when they reached Reykjavik that Chad finally acknowledged he may have screwed up. They were gone so long that both Teams Miss Depends and Team Wu managed to place in 6th and 7th. Eventually, Team Fisticuffs makes it back to England to place 8th.

All we have left are Team Bad Ass (I really must change that name), Team Don't Abort Me, and Team Silent Thunder. Team Bad Ass actually stands right next to the boats lying on the bank of the moat, hands on hips, scratching heads, looking around, and asking one another, "Where are the boats?" I don't know why, but I find their stupidity charming. With Jeff & Jordan it's nauseating, but with Nick & Vicki I want to bottle it and drink it anytime something bugs me. In the end, Team Bad Ass finds the boats and actually manages to finish ahead of Team Don't Abort Me. Regretfully, we are forced to say goodbye to Team Silent Thunder which completely, totally, absolutely SUCKS. I loved these guys and I'm really sad to see them go.

So, what did you guys think of last night? Who are you liking so far? Who really chaps your ass? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

I searched youtube for the Elimination Station episode, but came up empty handed. I'll keep looking, but until then... please to enjoy a great inspiration to today's blog:

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Ron & Tony: Team Silent Thunder

Only one black team this year CBS? Really?

Anyhow, Ron & Tony are BFF's and I swear I've seen Ron somewhere before. He's a choreographer, has been on Broadway, and was even a dancer in the film Newsies. While googling him I discovered he's written a book about how to navigate show business. I think he's a life coach too. Way to be a jack of all trades Ronnie.

Tony, on the other hand, is getting his doctorate and actually admits to liking country music. Alright Tony, I'm going to let that slide because I kind of like you guys. They have great laughs, great personalities, and they kindly named themselves for me. I expect lots of fabulous one-liners and delicious metaphors from these two and I hope they go far.

Please to enjoy:

OK so that's it for me today. My Amazing Race recap will be up some time tomorrow afternoon.

Nick & Vicki: Team Bad Ass

I was so ready to bitch about another lame boyfriend/girlfriend team, but as soon as these two tattooed beauties popped on the screen, a slow delicious smile spread across my face. The fringe element are my people. I may not have "sleeves" on my arms, but I'm no stranger to a needle gun after midnight on the outskirts of the French Quarter.

Nick & Vicki are dating and they know they may look odd and strange to some, but, in reality, they're just cool and down to earth. Nick is a pit bull loving bartender and would one day like to start a pit bull rescue because, like him, he feels they're just too misunderstood.

Vicki is a hair stylist and wants to be the next celebrity hair guru. We need another bad ass Sally Hershberger type in the world so maybe Vicki is our gal.

On appearances alone, I wish these two the best. Please to enjoy:

Nat & Kat: Team Propofol

Nat & Kat are doctors and are very annoying. They work together as anasthesiologists. Like, seriously, they work together and they work hard and they work on things and work is fun and they got to work everyday. You might be wondering where the hell I'm going with this, but just trust me. It'll all make sense when you force yourself to sit through this video.

See what I mean? I think I prefer Team Blood Diamond to these two. Nat wants to trade places with either the Dalai Lama or Heidi Klum and Kat doesn't like to get sick. Oh give me a fucking break.

Seriously, I just want to get these stupid cast vids done already.

Two left.

Michael & Kevin: Team Woo

Woo! Woohoo! Woot! Woot are you talking about Willis?

Meet the Wus. Papa Wu and Baby Wu. They're woonderful. Actually, I have no idea what the hell they're like. I just saw their name and went to town. Give me a sec to actually read their bios.

Turns out Baby Wu is somewhat of an internet sensation. He's like the Asian Shit My Dad Says and posts youtube videos where he makes fun of Papa Wu. The videos are slapstick and cute, but not exactly comedy milestones. Check one out for yourself:

Papa Wu is the real star here. He cracks my shit up because in his bio vid he says "Wideo" instead of "Video". Physically, the race might be a challenge for him as he looks a tad fragile and spindly like a Lo Mein noodle. If they make me laugh, I could really enjoy these two. Just one thing bugs me though - when did Shit My Dad Says start? Is this Kevin guy totally ripping that off or is it just a coincidence?

Please to enjoy the wideo:

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Katie & Rachel: Team Spike

Katie & Rachel are beach volleyball players and, you know what? I like them! They're very cute, personable, and I really just need an all female team with some cajones that I can root for. I don't know. It's been a very weird day with some very strange people and I think the sight of two seemingly nice gals with great hair is welcoming.

Both Katie and Rachel are delightful, excited about racing, and would use the money to buy themselves houses. Katie would love to switch places with Bella Swan (Haha!) and Rachel worries about getting kidnapped while traveling. Me too girlfriend. I saw Taken. I know what goes down.

Yes, at this point I'm just trying to cruise through these cast vids.

Please to enjoy:

Jill & Thomas: Team Jack & Jill

This is the boyfriend/girlfriend team of Jill & Thomas. Right off the bat, I'm a little dismayed Thomas' name isn't Jack. Can you imagine the stories I could have written about Team Jack & Jill? I might still call them that if he falls down a hill at some point. We'll see.

Jill is a hair stylist and she's an outgoing spunky kind of gal according to her bio. She says she's not scared of traveling and yearns to have an Eat, Pray, Love experience at some point in her life. If she wins the million she plans on buying a decent handbag collection. *sigh* Where to even begin? Alright, let me watch her video before I rush to judgment.

OK yeah, this team sucks. I actually started whispering sweet nothings to my dog during their video. I told my fluffy white ball of love she was Miss Gorgeosity and is the most beautiful dog in all of the land. She looked at me as if to say, "Cut it out bitch. You just woke my lazy ass up." Those few moments we exchanged had more intrigue and fascination for me than these two chuckleheads in their bio video.

Thomas/Jack is in desperate need of a haircut which is kind of ironic considering Jill is a hair stylist. He wishes he could be a pro golfer and hopes to not get caught in a "hostile environment" while traveling. Fingers crossed Beirut is one of the Pit Stops!

Alright, these people bore me. The most I can hope for is lots of arguing where Jill's voice never raises and her face doesn't move. Please to enjoy:

Gary & Mallory: Team Miss Depends

I know I've been slacking a bit here, but things are a little crazy right now. Anyhow, I swear I'll get all of these done before the premiere tomorrow night.

OK so today we meet the father/daughter team of Gary and Mallory. Gary is a successful entrepeneur and likes to do all sorts of manly things like hunt and fish. He's the oldest guy on the race and that makes him smile. The idea of taking his Centrum Silver somewhere in the mountains of Nepal or the thick rich jungles of Colombia makes him tinkle his Depends just a teeny tiny bit. It's sort of precious.

Mallory is one of those "pageant people" and is very proud to have been Miss Kentucky and sprayed hairspray on her butt and put vaseline on her teeth. Yes, everything I know from pageants I learned from Miss Congeniality. I'm sorry, but what's the deal with Miss America feeding it's rejects to the Amazing Race? I'd like to suggest that maybe next time around TAR pulls from the Bad Girls Club instead. Sex and drunken debauchery is what this show's missing. I'm thinking CBS could take the Emmy back with Tanisha at the helm pounding her pots and pans. "Pop off son!"

Alright, whatever, these people are kind of cookie cutter happy-to-be-alive-and-on-the-Amazing-Race which means they're kinda boring.

Please to enjoy:

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Team Gleek: Connor & Jonathan

Next up is the smarty pants singing duo that is Connor & Jonathan. They go to Princeton and sing in an a cappella group. I'm picturing that this is every single Thanksgiving they've had for the past 4 years:

On paper these two are pretty funny and it's definitely worth the time to cruise on over to to take a look at their online bios, but, in person, I'm a little disappointed. They're strange and awkward talking about anagrams and nestling with each other. Had they sung their video interview I would have loved them for life, but the sentimental friend route just isn't doing it for me. I fear there's a distinct possibility these two could go home early because their thin spindly frames won't be able to carry a wheel of cheese or something.

I'm not counting these two out just yet though. I'm hoping they'll delight me with impromptu dance numbers and rockin' harmonies. The Amazing Race: The Musical might be exactly what CBS needs to get that Emmy back.

Please to enjoy:

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Team Fisticuffs: Chad & Stephanie

Today we meet the boyfriend/girlfriend team that is Chad & Stephanie. Apparently, Chad stole Stephanie from her longtime boyfriend and now they're in the process of closing on their first house together. I could care less that Chad wants to be just like Matthew McConaughey when he grows up or that Stephanie strives to be a singer. What intrigues me about these two is the delicious promise of pure unadulterated violence. Apparently, Chad isn't as dorky as he looks. He likes to howl something fierce, punch things with his angry fists, and pepper the air with profanity. Listening to Stephanie talk about Chad's anger management issues makes me wonder if their current home remodeling project isn't just a cover for sealing all the holes in the walls put there by Chad's own hand.

Chad's biggest fear in life is getting arrested in a foreign country for something he didn't do. Ahhh another Locked Up Abroad fan! I love it. That's my fear too Chad. Whenever I'm in Nepal, it's most definitely a shady local who puts that opium up my hoo-ha and not me. Chad's worry for foreign law enforcement makes me wonder if he'll be overly cautious and walk the straight and narrow or like those vile intolerant redheads who hurled insults at every cabby who crossed their paths. My vote is leaning towards the redheads. Chad won't be able to keep his anger is check for very long and I'm thinking this team could very easily become one of the most hated.

Stephanie is sweet, but I kind of fear for her life. The looks Chad give her in their video are a teeny tiny bit too creepy for me. I think she should pack up her hairstyling tools and all of that compassion she has stored up and enter the Witness Protection Program. Run Stephanie run. I don't want to have to hear about you on the Evening News.

Check out their video for yourselves. Please to enjoy:

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Team Blood Diamond: Brook & Claire

The next team we're going to meet today are the home shopping duo that is Brook & Claire. Apparently, there's a jewelry channel and that's where these two chuckleheads work. If there's one thing I'd never buy off the TV, it's jewelry... and maybe any sort of plastic hair product. My TV shopping experience is pretty much limited to any sort of dance type workout DVD. That reminds me, I never did order the Pussycat Dolls workout...

Order it with me... you know you wanna...

OK so Brook is super proud of herself. She makes 6 figures peddling blood diamonds for insomniacs and that makes her happy. I'm not hatin' I swear - if I could make that much stroking shiny hard things, I'd do it too. *pauses to watch a little bit of their video* I take it back. I am hating. Holy what the hell... this chick is annoying. She's always on and it's semi fascinating that her biggest fear in life is getting an incurable disease. All at once I want to cut her and watch her try to sell things to innocent Cambodians.

Poor Claire... there's an entire Order called the Poor Claires (name the movie and you're a big weiner!)... Claire is the not so pretty sidekick who loves Costa Rica and would like to invest the cash prize in hopes of doubling it. Claire thinks that food will be her harderst obstacle on the Race and I can't help but wonder how Chile is recovering from the tamale hoarding Jordan. She's the lesser entertaining of the two and she says her dad is her hero. Yawn, yawn, double yawn.

I'm not going to write these two off just yet. I'm sensing something inside of them that could be evil and entertaining. If they keep talking to me like I'm in fucking kindergarten, then we're going to have a problem, but Claire's all too obvious lust for Brook should be fun to watch.

Here's the video where Brook totally reminds me of Bobbie Brown (not Mr. Whitney Houston or the make-up artist, but the 90's video vixen Bobbie Brown from Warrant's 'Cherry Pie' video). I might even start calling her BB. Please to enjoy:

Team Don't Abort Me: Andie & Jenna

It's that time of year again... the sweltering summer heat begins to float away, crunchy leaves litter my hiking paths making Copperheads all the more difficult to spot, and Phil and his giant pants are back for more. Yup, The Amazing Race is back bitches and I guess that means I have to blog it. Joy!

I've just created my official TAR17 folder and over the next several days I will offer up my extremely unfair and often incorrect critcisms of each and every team. I'll also workshop some team nicknames, but, like every season before, they are subject to change should the fancy strike me. As I am a fan of all things fancy, it may strike me often.

The first team we're going to meet is the mother/daughter duo of Andie & Jenna. They aren't your typical mother/daughter team though. These two only just met! I wonder if Troy Dunn had anything to do with it... but I digress.

Andie is a stay at mom going through a midlife crisis - her words not mine. She likes to run, hike, and say annoying pro-life things in her online bio. Andie is a strange robotic type of gal who doesn't have too many facial expressions, but I gotta admit the way these two got onto the show is actually very sweet. It turns out Andie googled Jenna and saw on her Twitter account that Jenna loved The Amazing Race and wanted to compete. I knew Twitter was great for making fun of people and spreading weird celebrity death rumors, but I had no idea it could bring families together. Score one for Twitter!

For some reason, these two think playing out their fidgety awkward "getting to know you" phase on National TV is a good idea. Bless their hearts because I'm more than happy to watch it all materialize. Jenna can't really get a word in edgewise, but when she does she calls her mom by her first name and I totally giggled. She's a sweet girl stuck in an unusual predicament and I can't help but sympathize with how truly awkward this must be for her. Jenna is an adventurous type who can't wait to travel the world and conquer her fears -- fear of being motherless. Zing! Their dynamic is a unique one for sure, but Jenna seems like a free spirit and extremely well-adjusted. The most I can hope for is Andie making awkward faces when Jenna talks about missing her "mom", her adopted mom.

Check out their video and help me figure out if Andie has had too much botox or is just insanely uncomfortable. Please to enjoy:

Monday, May 10, 2010

You're Going The Wrong Way Dumb Ass!

We've been whisked around the world watching men and women, young and old, thick and thin, idiots and lizards all compete for a million dollars. We've heard the words "baby", "bro", and "let's dance" more than any other human should. We've watched as budget cuts forced teams to compete by buses and bicycles as opposed to planes and trains. Only a handful of Detours could really be called "challenges" while the others could easily be referred to as "a fucked up Saturday night." Phil's necklines got plungier while his necklaces got sparklier. Teams were lazy, out of shape, hopped up on too many benzos (I'm looking at you Jordan), and annoyingly preoccupied with creating catch phrases ("Ariba!", "Let's dance!", "I'm gonna punch you!", "I love you bro!"). I miss the TAR's when challenges took 8 hours to complete and teams were forced to beg for rupees or yen on the filthy streets of third world countries. Something's missing from these new TAR seasons. Casting is a little off, ingenuity and brain power are lacking, ruthless all or nothing/do or die hunger to win is absent, that heart thumping anxiety I used to get each week is gone. I don't know. Maybe I'm just sick of seeing ridiculously annoying teams win. I hate it when I don't get my way and last night I definitely did not get my way. Let's recap, shall we?

We find ourselves still in Shanghai. Haven't we been here for like 3 weeks already? Quite frankly, I've seen enough of this damned city and I'm ready to get back to the States where the cab drivers speak English and the lizard people are lying in wait. Team Such As (Caite & Brent) are also anxious to get back to the white bred fraternity of American cab drivers so they're thrilled to discover they're heading to San Francisco. Caite squeals and looks very satisfied. All she ever wanted out of this race was to prove to the world that she's intelligent and not ignorant. She's cried and tantrumed her way through South America, Europe, and The Asia skipping challenges here and there thinking things like "clues" and "instructions" were just for suckers. She traveled country to country wrongly blaming Team L Word for that evil and stinky "tiara" remark when, in fact, it was Team Jooj who started the whole drama. Her wide-eyed, freshly scrubbed, long lashed tagalong boyfriend, Brent, was there for Caite offering pearls of wisdom and moral support. When he shouted, "Shut up!" or "I'm quitting!" we all swelled with pride and thanked our lucky stars these two charmers found each other. Young love. *sigh*

Team Cowpat (Jet & Cord) are the second to leave. Since the airport ticket counter is closed until morning they quietly and logically head to an airport shop to read up on the history of California. While learning all about San Francisco, Disneyland, and The Crips, Team Jooj (Dan & Gay Jordan) arrives and Gay Jordan slyly puts his backpack ahead of Cord's pack at the ticket counter. Sure, they're all getting on the same flight anyways, but Team Cowpat is pissed. Jet, out of nowhere, clenches his fists and threatens to remove Gay Jordan's teeth from his head one by one. Gay Jordan, scared for his life, tinkles a little in his pants, stares straight ahead, and tries in vain to hide the fierce red crimson of shame coloring his cheeks. He sucks on his lips and whimpers a little to himself begging the lady at the counter to hurry up so he can go cower behind his big headed bro, Dan.

On the airplane while the other teams are sleeping, Team Jooj finds a flight attendant and requests to get put up into first class. As much as I hate to say it, that's a great move. Shit, I pull that move everytime I fly and I'm not even racing for a million bucks! How the other teams didn't notice this is a mystery to me. One would think you'd try this maneuver on every single flight in the race. That move, and that move alone, changed the entire face of the race.

(Coit Tower NOT the Lost lighthouse)

The plane lands in San Francisco and, naturally, Team Jooj are ahead of the pack. They find a cab and arrived at the clue well before everyone else. The clue is a riddle to a building with all sorts of murals painted inside. Gay Jordan, knowing that bike riders are smarter than the average car driver, stops and asks a bicyclist to help him solve the riddle. They're directed to Coit Tower, which kind of looks like the lighthouse in Lost, and they race off in search of the next Road Block where I hope a smoke monster is waiting to eat them alive.

Meanwhile, Team Such As has found a cab and are in the midst of beating their driver to death with a shoe. Brent berates him for not speaking English while Caite screams that she's gonna punch everyone in the face. I can't for the life of me figure out how she lost that pageant she was in. At this point the cab driver is traumatized and doesn't know up from down so he just drives around in circles hoping that maybe Caite will inadvertantly fly out the window. Brent, wondering why people in America - especially people in California - don't speak English starts shouting out the window for Immigration while Caite screeches at the driver, "You're such a dumb ass! If I lose, people will think I'm ignorant!"
(Knott's Berry Farm Parachute Drop that my mom made me ride alone)

Team Cowpat, on the other hand, has now found the clue and are well on their way to Coit Tower. It turns out Coit Tower was in that History Of California book they read back at the airport. If Magic Mountain, Del Taco, Carl's Jr., or Knott's Berry Farm are alluded to in any of the other clues, then Team Cowpat has it made. I lived in California for 8 years and, yes, all my memories are of fast food joints and amusement parks. I can only assume books covering the history of California share my priorities in life.

At Coit Tower, Team Jooj is instructed to climb the outer wall and retrieve the next clue inside one of the arches. As we all know Gay Jordan is a complete pussy when it comes to anything physical, so Dan does the challenge. I thought his huge head might be a problem for him but Gay Jordan shouting, "I love you bro! Slow and steady bro! You can do it bro!" must have some sort of head shrinking powers because Dan made it up the tower without incident and I made a mental note to introduce Gay Jordan to Meghan ("Cheyne! Cheyne! Cheyne! Cheyne!"). I have a feeling they'd get along famously.

In the distance we heard a shrill cry, "Turn around you dumb ass!". San Franciscoans thought it was another earthquake coming, but it was only Caite. Anyhow, Team Jooj finishes and they get a clue to go to the Yoda Fountain at Industrial Light and Magic. In the meantime, Team Cowpat is now ascending the Lost lighthouse and Team Such As finally gets the clue to Coit Tower. Sure, their cab driver is beaten within an inch of his life and Brent's eyelashes are smeared with blood, but they're back in the race and that's all that matters.

Over at Industrial Light and Magic, Gay Jordan is busy being gangraped by a bunch of Stormtroopers and loving every second of it. Dan reminds him they're in a race and Gay Jordan reluctantly (and then excitedly) takes part in the next challenge. I say "reluctantly" because Gay Jordan was sad to leave the Stormtroopers. The "excitedly" part comes in when Gay Jordan realizes he gets to put on a skin tight catsuit with lots of balls hanging off of it. As long as Gay Jordan is somewhat entertained in a stereotypical "gay" way, he'll happily compete in the race. Otherwise, he'll just sit there with his giant head and annoy everyone with nonwitty banter. I think he wanted to be the "one-liner" guy this season, but in reality he's just a hack with an oversized head and no backbone.

The Industrial Light and Magic challenge is like that ANTM challenge they did years ago where the models had to pose for Benny Ninja while negotiating through complicated lasers. Ok, so maybe the challenges aren't exactly the same, but they both required catsuits so that's good enough for me. Anyhow, Dan served as "director" while Gay Jordan had to listen to his every command. Dan would say "Slow down" and Gay Jordan would speed up. Dan would say "Spin around" and Gay Jordan would reply, "I'm nauseous!". It was pathetic and only became remotely entertaining when Team Cowpat finally arrived and decided to fuck with Team Jooj.

While Jet was changing into his ball suit, Cord began to shout out crazy instructions in order to confuse Dan and Gay Jordan. Much to my delight, Cord was yelling, "Sashay this way!", "Ballet turn left!", "Shuffle and twirl!", "Do the hokey pokey!"... Dan was furious and started to beat on the million dollar George Lucas console he was sitting at. Gay Jordan, thankful for the rest, simply played with his plastic balls on his suit wondering to himself if Lady Gaga would ever wear something similar. Once Jet was dressed, the teams got back to focusing on the challenge. However, things came to a standstill when Dan had to read a clue that whizzed around Gay Jordan's head. Am I crazy or shouldn't Jet just have pretended to trip thus knocking over Gay Jordan and proceeding with the challenge? Having Jet just stand there doing nothing was a remarkable waste of time. I feel like something could have been done in that instant to change the game. In the end, Team Jooj maintain their lead and cruise off to find the Tonga bar where their next clue awaits.

It turns out the clue is a bumper sticker on a trunk. It directs them to the American Music Hall. Back at Light and Magic, Team Such As has arrived and are hot on the heels of Team Cowpat. Both teams finish at about the same time and hop into their cabs, but Caite, precious un-ignorant super smart Caite, ends up leaving her teams money, clue, and passports back at Lucas Land. Had Brent made that same mistake Caite would have ripped his off and eaten it in one gulp. She also would have beaten up this new cab driver just for the hell of it. But, since it was Caite's mistake, Brent just sat quietly, looked out the window, and waved goodbye to a million dollars.

This brings us to the last challenge of the race which is, of course, to put all the teams in order of elimination. Unforunately for fans at home, Gay Jordan has been taking notes and he's literally got a list in his pocket of the order everyone went home. *sigh* Fuck. There's pretty much zero chance of any team catching Team Jooj at this point and I really just want to end this already so let's just skip ahead to the best part of the episode.

So, we're at the finish line and Team Jooj has won (Boo!). Team Cowpat arrives in second and Team Such As comes in third. All the other teams are there clapping politely and whatnot... all but one team. One bitter angry annoyed ungrateful reptilian team stands alone.... Team L Word. They refuse to clap for Team Such As... or rather, Brandy refuses to clap... and to make matters simply heavenly Caite has decided to give a speech. When will this bitch learn that just because there are people around, they're not necessarily there to hear her speak? I suppose Phil is kind of to blame as well. He just had to make a big to do about Caite being the last girl in the finals. Ok so the stage is set: Caite is on the platform, Phil's necklace is sparkling in the sun, and all the teams are there forced to hear whatever she has to say. Will she cry and thank her family for believing in her? Will she propose to Brent and profess her love? No! Blessedly, no!

(Brandy in her lizard form)

Instead Caite turns ever so slowly in the direction of Team L Word. *bites fist* Brandy sees that Caite is about to open her mouth so she lurches forward, puts her hand up, and says something to the effect of, "Oh hell no." It was heaven. It was frosted, it was sprinkled with sugar, it was dipped in chocolate, it was rolled in macademia nuts, it was filled with bourbon... it was perfection! Brandy does the equivalent of snatching the mic out of Caite's hand and the wig off her head. In not so many words, Brandy tells Caite she played the game wrong, U-turned the wrong team, and is just as stupid now as she was when we she did that pageant. At home I threw my top off and poured whipped cream and hot fudge all over my chest. Seriously, best ending to a TAR ever! It ended with Brandy shooting her lizard tongue at Caite and swallowing her whole. Awesome. Team L Word rocks my world.

So, what did you guys think? Were you happy Team Jooj won? Did you weep thick salty tears for Team Cowpat? Did Brandy deliver you a little slice of heaven like she did me? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

If you've enjoyed what I've done this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal Donate button on the upper right hand side of this page. It takes hours to write this drivel and I'm going to need some bribes to want to come back and do it all over again next season. In the meantime, you'll be able to find me at the Bitchy Survivor Blog and in a couple months I'll be recapping DAILY... yes, I said DAILY... all the shenanigans in the Big Brother house over at the Bitchy Big Brother Blog. Also, feel free to join the Bitchy Network where we have discussions pertaining to all of your favorite shows (Real Housewives, ANTM, True Blood, Vampire Diaries), BB gossip, and celebrities.

Have a great summer everyone and thanks again for all of your support and kind words during what's been a very difficult season. It means the world. Thank you.

Please to enjoy one final Elimination Station: