Monday, December 7, 2009

No Danke Schoen



When I was a little girl I loved going to the grocery store with my mom. I'd leave with armfuls of those Dell Crossword Puzzle books. You know the ones... with Word Searches, Cryptograms, Crostics, etc. My favorite was the Logic Problems. I loved the idea of being able to figure out an entire story and details of an event with only a few sentences/clues to guide me. I would use my powers of deduction and logic to solve the puzzle and, in the end, I'd feel like I was Queen Of The Universe. Last night about an hour before the finale of Amazing Race started, Cheyne "There's Something About Mary In My Hair" sent out a few tweets. Basically, they were thinly veiled CLUES that he had won The Amazing Race. Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I was, how do I put this, ummm less than pleased.



As much as I love to solve Logic Problems, it's a complete load of fuckery that I (and many many others) were able to figure out the outcome an hour before the show even started. Here's what happened for those of you who are clueless: About 90 minutes before the show started, Cheyne tweets that we should all tune in to the "BEST TAR episode ever!" OK if I was a finalist on a show and I told you to tune in because it was the best show ever, I think it's safe to say that I won that show, right? Why else would it be the best episode ever? A half hour later, Cheyne tweets again. This time he's talking about how he's "truly blessed" and "what a memorable night" he's having. Are you fucking shitting me? Why not just fly a banner in the sky saying "I WON THE AMAZING RACE"? He is under contract with CBS not to say a word. If I had the threat of losing my prize money hanging over me, I'd hide myself away in a mountain shack and pretend to be mute until the show was completely over... west coast time just for good measure. Cheyne blew it for me last night. He just couldn't keep his mouth shut and I hope all that product in his hair makes it fall out one day. For the sake of this post I'm changing their team name to Team Fuckery. Let's recap, shall we?




OK so we're still in Prague. 3 episodes in the same fucking country. Bo-ring! Team Fuckery was the first to finish so now they're the first to depart. The clue tells them to fly to Las Vegas, travel to the Graceland Wedding Chapel, and get their next clue from Elvis. The Gays leave second with Team Zebra leaving third. Brian tells us that he's still mad at The Gays for stealing his cab, but I just sat back and rolled my eyes knowing that, in the end, he'd send them a fruit basket or a box of chocolates. Ericka, firmly affixing her Whitney weave for the entire length of the episode, mumbles some crap about her mom not accepting Brian as her husband. Well, her mom just probably thinks he should be spreading the gospel to poor indigent communities in the Amazon or something. Being married to a sassy black woman might not be his calling in life. He should be consoling burn victims or rubbing ointment on lepers. I'm sure Ericka's mom doesn't give a fig they're an interracial couple. She's probably just worried that being married to Ericka will take Brian out of the running for sainthood. It's all crystal clear to me now.




Anyhow, all teams board the same flight to Vegas and all is well. Only Brian looks a little nervous. A saint stepping out in Sin City can only end badly and he knows it. They land without incident and now it's a race to the taxis. Whitney is waving her machete as she plows through the crowds while Dan is knocking down innocent elderly tourists. Lots of hips were broken that day my friends. Eventually, they all make it to the chapel where a young (and obviously dumb) couple is busy getting married while a drunken Elvis sings 'Amazing (G)Race'. How sweet the sounds... that is, until the three remaining teams decide to join in and sing too. Yuck. Uncomfortable. Makes me crinkle my nose and look away when people willingly embarrass themselves like that. Finally, it dawns on one of them, Sam or Whiney McWhinerson, that they're still in a race so they essentially shove the newleyweds to the side, grab Elvis by his lapels, and demand he gives them their next clues. The clue says to travel to Mandalay Bay. The teams bolt out of the chapel, but not before Whitney yells out some very sage advice, "Marriage is wonderful. Just don't race each other!"





Team Zebra, in a very ballsy move, decides to trust their cab driver who tells them he knows of a secret faster way to get to Mandalay Bay. This method hasn't worked out well for Zebra in the past, but Brian has performed enough good deeds for their luck to finally change. It turns out the cabby was right and they are the first to arrive. The clue reads, "Who's ready to climb a mountain?". As Brian is scared of heights, Whitney snatches the clue out of his hand and declares she's doing it. She has to rappel face first down the side of the bloody hotel. Seriously, that is a great challenge and I have to admit that I really admired the way Whitney tackled it. She was scared, but she knew her fear would only serve to inhibit her so she sucked it up, stomped her fear with a sharply pointed stiletto, and bitch turned into Spiderwoman and went down that building. She cheered herself on the entire time while Brian was standing at the bottom hyperventilating into a paper bag.



Team Fuckery arrives shortly thereafter and Cheyne Big Mouth decides to do the challenge. Ugh... you know what this means, don't you? Now we have to hear more Whiney McWhinerson cheering him on. The only thing worse than Meghan whining is Meghan cheering. "Come on Cheyne. You can do it Cheyne. You're doing good Cheyne. Keep going Cheyne. You're almost there Cheyne. You're doing great Cheyne. You can do it Cheyne. Keep it up Cheyne. You're doing awesome Cheyne. You're almost done Cheyne. Good job Cheyne. Why won't you marry me Cheyne? I didn't like the way you looked at me back there Cheyne. Did you steal my hair gel this morning Cheyne? Cheyne we really need to talk about this. Cheyne. Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne... " SHUT UP!!! Oh my god that bitch drives me crazy. At this point Dan was there too and it took every fiber of his being not to pummel her face in. Despite knowing he'd be reunited with Meghan, Cheyne finishes followed by Sam.







Now the teams race to join the cast of Love which is a Cirque De Soleil show at the Mirage. Whitney is totally psyched because she's in the lead. She even started to do her pageant wave she normally reserves for parade floats. She's smiling brightly at passersby and has stopped flashing her ninja stars to the cab driver in the rearview mirror. Why, she's almost delightful. OK so Team Zebra arrives and they're instructed to use bungee chords to fling a team member up to retrieve a bouquet of flowers. Whitney looks at the apparatus and scoffs. "This is going to be SO easy", she thinks to herself. She's got a 30 second lead at this point which, to her, translates as winning the whole damn game so she's not worried about a thing. That is, until Team Fuckery comes marching in. Oh hell to the no! Whitney's resolve immediately starts to dissipate and she starts screaming at Brian. Brian tries to fling Whitney to the flowers, but she just sinks like a stone to the ground. Uh oh... run Brian run! Meghan is now strapped into her bungee cords and Whitney is flailing her limbs kicking and screaming for Brian to fling her in the right direction. Brian, flustered and scared for when she comes out of her harness, is trembling which results in Whitney flying every which way but up.



Over at Team Fuckery Meghan is whining to Cheyne that her ankles hurt her so he has to be careful. Did all that talking and cheerleading somehow cause her to sprain an ankle while sitting on the sidelines as Cheyne went down the side of the building? Personally, I think she ran out of things to complain about and ankles sounded like as good a topic as any. At this point The Gays have finally arrived and they read their clue. It says "Pick a rigor", but Dan thinks it says, "Pick a ranger". This made me giggle a little as I realize that Dan probably has a thing for men in uniform. OK so Cheyne is violently hurling Meghan by her oh so delicate ankles and, much to Whitney's dismay, she gets a bouquet.







What happens next can best be described in the Tori Amos song 'Muhammed My Friend'. One of the lyrics goes something like this: And Moses I know/I know you've seen fire/But you've never seen fire/Until you've seen Pele blow. I use these lyrics because Whitney, our not so lovable pageant queen, takes it upon herself to morph into the angry fire breathing volcano goddess that is Pele. She's hanging from her bungee cords hurling her body violently into some sort of ancient warrior goddess convulsions screaming at the top of her lungs for Brian to switch places with her. It's at this point where Whitney sets an Amazing Race record. In every single episode this season, she has successfully sought a way to cut corners, given up, and/or quit in the middle of a challenge. Congratulations Whitney! Please don't cut me.




Whitney finishes up her hissy fit and demands that Brian switch places with her. He's scared out of his wits so he obliges and climbs into the harness. He makes the sign of the cross, tinkles in his pants a little, and waits for Whitney to viciously hurl him up into the rafters. Whitney is all anger and ferocity at this point so Brian is basically just smashing his head against the ceiling. Blood is spattering everywhere. Whitney gets a drop in her eye and in her weave. *Gasp!* That's it. That's all it took. She grabs the bungee cords, shakes Brian until one of his eyeballs is hanging out of it's socket, and then demands they switch places again. Brian, a bloody mangled mess, limps out of the harness, but he's not fast enough and Whitney bludgeons him with her hair straightener. While Brian is getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter, The Gays are gaily grabbing their bouquet. *covers eyes not wanting to see Brian get pummelled*





It's at this point that Whitney begins her gutteral primal grunting screaming thing. She's literally hanging there covering her face bawling her eyes out kicking her legs making every volcano on the planet erupt. I felt the ground beneath me vibrate as I'm sure you did too. Luckily for Team Fuckery and The Gays, they're safely in their cabs trying to figure out what the most famous casino is in Monaco. Cue the most idiotic moment of the show. OK I've actually been to Monaco and to the place the clue was referring to BUT even if I hadn't, I would have known the answer. First of all, everyone should know that Monaco is a principality on the coast of France. At the very least you should know that Grace Kelly, the Hollywood actress, used to be it's Princess and she died in a horrible car accident on it's winding streets. This should be common knowledge! Even if you're a cultural idiot, you can recall the scene in Howard Stern's Private Parts when Howard is telling the story of Prince Reindeer (nee Ranier). He's talking about MONTE CARLO! Monte Fucking Carlo... where the wealthy go to play. Christ, you can watch an episode of Vh-1's The Fabulous Life to know about Monte Carlo.


Monte Carlo is in Monaco. It's famous for it's big fancy casino with all the Ferrari's and Lamborghini's parked out front. In Monaco they speak French. It's about 8 hours by train from Paris, 4 hours from Avignon. It's a stone's throw from Cannes and Nice. Grace Kelly left Hollywood to marry Prince Rainier. She died in a car crash that some say was caused because she was arguing with her daughter. Grace Kelly starred in the Hitchcock films Rear Window and To Catch A Thief. Her daughter, Princess Caroline, was a wild child who dated Rob Lowe and had a short-lived singing career. In Monte Carlo, I got yelled at in French by a cashier in the grocery store for not weighing a nectarine properly. She made me sad so I went to the McDonald's and had a beer. Yes, they serve alcohol at the McDonald's in Monte Carlo. There! Consider yourself officially schooled now on all things Monte Carlo.




So ummm yeah, no one knew that Monte Carlo is the famous casino in Monaco. Team Fuckery's cab driver thought it was The Venetian. *sigh* The Venetian... Venice... ITALY! Then Cheyne "I should be banned from Twitter" says, "It's in Spain! They speak Spanish there!" *clenches fists* The Gays, in a stroke of genius, decide to call the Monaco Hotline or something, and find out via cell phone that Monte Carlo is in Monaco. Good for you boys. Their cab stops following Team Fuckery's to The Venetian and they arrive at Monte Carlo to discover they have to count out a million dollars in chips. Meanwhile, Team Fuckery arrives at The Venetian. They ask a bell hop what casino is in Monaco. He says, "Monte Carlo". Team Fuckery doesn't believe him. They march inside and ask someone at the reservations desk what casino is in Monaco. The lady at the desk says, "Monte Carlo." Begrudgingly, they decide to believe the lowly working class people and they now head to the Monte Carlo.



Back at the Mirage, Brian is slipping around in his own guts trying to fling Whitney towards her bouquet. He's lost his eyesight at this point and a few of his ribs are broken, but he manages to fling that bitch to her flowers. They get their next clue and wouldn't you know it? Brian, I have a safe house for you, knows IMMEDIATELY that the clue is referring to the Monte Carlo. Bless his heart. Team Zebra manages to arrive at the Monte Carlo before Team Fuckery and I smiled a little bit inside. All the teams decide to count the money out beginning with the largest denomination of chips ($1000). Meghan immediately starts in on Cheyne again, "As fast as your fingers can go, as fast as your fingers can go, as fast as your fingers can go." It's at this point that I've figured out all the mysteries of the world. Cheyne is indeed deaf and Meghan knows her incessant chanting has mystical powers that makes the other teams fuck up. That's the only excuse I can think of for why Cheyne stays with her and why they continue to win all the challenges.



Team Fuckery finishes first and now they have to race to some hotel suite to meet Mr. Las Vegas. Cheyne, apparently who can now talk to the dead, thinks Mr. Las Vegas is Frank Sinatra. I would have more respect had he guessed Carrot Top. At least Carrot Top is ALIVE. OK so The Gays, after having to recount a second time, finally finish and once again I fear for Brian's life. Whitney wants to throw in the towel and start counting all over again from the very beginning. Brian insists he can figure out the problem and Whitney simply chops his head off with the machete she was hiding in her shorts. Rest in peace Brian. You will be missed.


Team Fuckery and The Gays meet Wayne Newton and he tells them that the final pit stop is at his house. Cheyne wishes he could stay and chat for a while, but Meghan grabs him by his spiky hair and hurls him into a cab. Had I not known the ending beforehand (Thanks to Cheyne) it might have been a nail biter of an ending. Team Fuckery and The Gays race in their cabs and Team Fuckery goes to a locked gate while The Gays are sitting back planning all the deep plunging V-neck t-shirts they can buy with their million. In the end, Team Fuckery arrives first at the finish line where all of the other eliminated teams are half enthusiatically clapping. Seriously, did you see Zev's face? When Team Zebra finally showed up and Whitney delivered her lame pageant speech, Zev gave them a stare that would kill an innocent pony. Meanwhile Pinky was totally jonesing for a bong hit I think. When Brian acted shocked at coming in last, a few fairies flew out of my ass. I admit it. I laughed heartily.


So that's it. That's the fat. That's the skinny. Did you guys dislike this season as much as I did? How do you feel about the outcome? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!



I want to take this moment to thank all of my lovely loyal readers who take the time to come back each and every week. Your enthusiasm has helped spread the word on my Bitchy Blogs and I am deeply grateful. If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, I ask that you please click on my "Donate" button in the upper right hand side of this page. In February, I will most definitely be covering The Amazing Race 16. With Jeff and Jordan, and now Miss South Carolina (The "Such as" girl), competing there's no way I'd miss it. Until then you can find me over at the Bitchy Survivor Blog. Keep up to date with whatever I'm blogging about by following me on Facebook and Twitter.


Special thanks to Justin Kanew of Team Ass Burgers for all of his support this season. I wish you and Zev the best of luck in all you do and hope to see you guys on the next All Stars season.


Have a great holiday season everyone and thanks again! Super special shout out to Susie and Brett. Brett is the youngest (age 11) most hardcore Amazing Race fan and I GUARANTEE he'll be on an upcoming season kicking everyone's behind.


Here is the final installment of Elimination Station. My only question is where are my Feathered Yoga Bitches? Please to enjoy: