Monday, November 30, 2009

The Rabbi's Gonna Be Pissed

Why don't we just jump right in and address the big cookie dough elephant in the room? As you may know, Jeff and Jordan from Big Brother 11 are currently filming The Amazing Race 16. Now, I'm not sure if all of you are aware of my deep seeded and utter revulsion for these two intellectual giants, but let's just say that this news didn't exactly tickle me where I wanted to be tickled. The only thing I hate more than these Rhodes Scholars are their fans. For the most part (reread how I said "for the most part"), the Jeff/Jordan faction of society is a collection of narrow minded and bitter menopausal hags with ultra conservative views on tattoos, free love, sexual orientation, artistic prowess, and all around entertaining creativity. They're like an army of gun wielding Sarah Palin's out on a mission to squash anything interesting and thought provoking. They eat hypocrisy for breakfast spending an entire season hating Lydia, Kevin, Ronnie, and Jessie only to then spend months afterwards tweeting them with endless compliments. It's confusing, frustrating, and seriously drives me nuts. Having said that, how can I not blog The Amazing Race 16 now? I have to. It's my moral duty. I'm dying to see how CBS will try to manipulate the outcome because we all know the world stops turning when it comes to CBS' precious little ponies. I'm thinking there will be a lot of nonelimination rounds whenever Jeff and Jordan come in last place coupled with several eating contests and plant watering challenges. Last I heard they were in Santiago, Chile. Knowing Jordan, she probably thinks the country comes with a side of cornbread. *sigh*

(Jeff and Jordan at LAX wondering what country Miami is in)

OK now let's get back to the task at hand. Let's recap, shall we? We're down to the Final Four now and, for some reason, we're staying in the Czech Republic for the entire episode. Really Amazing Race? Western Europe or South America don't intrigue you at all? I thought this show was a race around the world not a race around the fewest number of countries possible. As Cheyenne came in first, they're the first to depart. The clue tells them to go to a Spanish Synagogue across town and then head to a museum 4 miles away. 4 miles? I hiked 4 miles yesterday. You don't hear me saying "I'm racing around the world". CBS is sucking the weenie big time this season with these challenges and I'm getting a little tired of it.

Cheyenne arrive safely at the Road Block (those 4 miles were a doozy!) and are instructed to answer some telephones. *throws hands in air* Kafka rejected technology and questioned the meaning of life so now Meghan has to answer some phones and do a word scramble. Why couldn't they eat cockroaches or something? You know, because Kafka wrote The Metamorphisis (the story of a man who wakes up to find himself morphed into a cockroach). Maybe the Amazing Race is saving the cockroach dipped in cookie dough challenge for Jordan. Who knows? So yeah, Meghan has to answer some phones, listen for 5 letters, and then unscramble the letters to form a word. As I type throughout the show, I missed if they gave the viewing audience the answer to the word scramble. All I know is that challenge was easy peasy. As soon as Meghan got all of her letters I immediately knew the word was "FRANZ". Please tell me you guys knew it too.

While Meghan was acting all melodramatic scared of the ringing phones, she was assigning animals to her letters so she wouldn't forget them (rabbit, zebra, ferrett). Meanwhile The Gays were departing and musing about how everyone must see them as villains. Hey, I like a good villain so it goes without saying that I think The Gays are giving themselves way too much credit. What bugs me about them isn't the fact that they play a little dirty. My hatred for them began back in Vietnam when they ridiculed the locals and insulted their cab driver. Dan's constant need to belittle his brother and Sam's temper tantrums were just the icing on the cake. Plus, they're just not likable. For likable, see Team Ass Burgers.

Eventually, Meghan gets all 5 letters and now she has to fill out a questionnaire and unscramble her letters at the end. She gets it wrong on her first try, but nails it on the second. Now Cheyenne is off to a Kryocentrum. My first thought? They have to make a sperm donation. My second thought? Lala, get your mind out of the gutter. It turns out Kryocentrum isn't Czech for Cryo Bank. Honest mistake. Instead the Kryocentrum is a facility for athletes where they sit in the freezing cold. It supposedly enhances their performance or something. Anyhow, it's basically just another moronic challenge where no one has to jump off of anything. At this point The Gays and The Globetrotters have arrived at the Kafka challenge with Dan and Big Easy answering the phones. Back at the Pit Stop, Team Zebra is being told they'll have to do a Speed Bump this leg of the race. Brian poops out a rainbow and tells us they've overcome much more than a Speed Bump in their life. Vanessa Williams just rolls her eyes and pictures flying daggers shooting across the sky.

Cut to the Speed Bump where Jesus and Vanessa are being told that they have to prepare the classic preparation of a serving of Absinthe. Now you're talking my language! Absinthe is divine. If you haven't had the pleasure of feeling it course through your veins filling you with warmth, you're definitely missing out. Yours truly has had quite a few experiences with the smuggled in nectar and it truly is as decadent as you'd imagine. Everything about it is drenched in romantic gothic ritual. The first time I had it was after hours in a goth bar in D.C.. I was dating the owner and his bartender had just returned from the Czech Republic with the absinthe he smuggled out in a Scope bottle. The three of us gathered in the corner of the bar all wearing long black coats, tall leather boots, and probably too much eyeliner. We used a traditional Absinthe spoon, poured the magical nectar over a sugar cube, drank it, and waited patiently for the Green Fairy to emerge. That's the way it's supposed to be done which is very different from the way Bobby and Whitney did it.

First of all, drinking Absinthe isn't a challenge. It's a privilege. Second of all, Brian doesn't drink alcohol... at all. Why am I not surprised? He's scared of what the liquer might make him do especially with all the dancing girls gyrating all over the place in the bar. Brian was scared, shaking, and making the sign of cross over and over again while Vanessa Williams swatted at random girls with her machete. They prepare the drink in like 30 seconds (obviously not savoring the anticipation) and chug it with no problems. Brian is instantly drunk and Vanessa is hooting and hollering about how it burns her throat. I don't know many things in life, but here's something I do know: anything that encourages girls to dance on bars, burns your throat, and makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside is something that should be appreciated not abhored. Add some dramatic gothic music in the background and you've got my version of heaven. I'm just saying.

Back in Kafka land, Dan and Big Easy have found their letters, but unscrambling them is another story entirely. For some reason, this challenge is really difficult for these two mental giants and I was forced to turn in my Team Globetrotters t-shirt. Neither has any idea what the word is and they keep submitting random spellings like "NZFAR" and "RFZNA". Seriously? I can forgive maybe a couple of incorrect guesses, but these two guys were incessant and moronic. Yes, they were incessantly moronic. They're so clueless they decide it's in their best interest to work together to solve the puzzle. After what seemed like hours, Dan finally guesses "FRANZ". The only thing is now he doesn't want to share with Big Easy. Big Easy is floored, but all Dan will say is, "It starts with the letter F". Now, if I'm being completely honest here, I can't say that I wouldn't have done the exact same thing. Only, knowing me, I would have said the first letter was 'Z'. As a result, I can't in good conscience fault Dan for not sharing the answer with Big Easy. The fact that he wouldn't shut up about it afterwards and wondered if he did the right thing annoyed me more than the dirty playing. You're in a race playing a game and you didn't break any rules. Get over it and never apologize. Be a man for chrissake.

Back at the Cryo Bank, Cheyenne is bitching about the cold. Whiney McWhinerson is moaning, "Oh my god! So painful!" while Cheyne Paul Mitchell shouts, "I feel bad for polar bears!". Ugh it kills me that Cheyne is paired up with Meghan. I really really really like Cheyne and think he's hysterical with his one liners and his There's Something About Mary hair, but that annoying, whining, complaining mess of a girl at his side who looks too much like his sister drives me nuts! Cheyne, if you're reading this, dump her like a sack of potatoes. You deserve better.

OK so after Cheyenne finishes they're instructed to go to the Charles Bridge which links old and new Prague together. The Detour is Legend or Lager. In Legend, they have to cover a wooden man named Golem with mud and transport him across town. In Lager, they have to transfer 30 glasses of beer to some rowdy soccer fans in a bar. Cheyenne chooses Legend and gets to work on their man. Meghan pulls her back tight into a bun and begins to smack Cheyne with a ruler across his knuckles. Nothing Cheyne does is right and Meghan has taken it upon herself to reprimand him for everything from how he's spreading the mud to how he's breathing in air. She'll continue to bitch at Cheyne the entire length of the challenge. Honestly, I don't know how he doesn't just pop her one sometimes. In the end, they finish first and they each win a 52" LCD TV. We have our first team in the Finals.

Back at the Kafka Challenge, Team Zebra has arrived and Brian gets to work on the phones. He picks up each reciever and tries to have a conversation with the dudes giving out the clues. The clue man would say, "N" and Brian would respond, "Hi N, how are you? Lived here long? What's good to do here? Is there an Olive Garden in town?" N promptly hangs up on him and Brian is forced to, oh I don't know, focus on the challenge. He gets to the guesssing part where Big Easy is still making random guesses with a cluster of consonants. After a couple of tries Brian gets the correct answer and announces, "I got it right and I'm drunk!" Big Easy stabbed himself in the eye with his pencil at that point and continued hating life.

What happens next is astounding. Big Easy marches outside to Flight Time and they decide to skip the Road Block and take the penalty. Mind you, it's a 5 LETTER WORD SCRAMBLE! But that's not the astounding part. The penalty is 4 hours. 4 HOURS! You know that scene in Grosse Point Blank when Jeremy Piven is suddenly struck with the fact that it's been 10 years since he's seen John Cusack? He goes off on a tirade screaming, "10 years man! TEN! 10 YEARS! Tennn! 10 YEEE-ARS!" Well, that's how I was last night only I was screaming, "4 hours man! FOUR! 4 HOURS! FOOOOUR OWWW-ERRRRS!"

It kills me that Big Easy thought it would take him LONGER than 4 hours to figure out that word scramble. Are you shitting me? That's just ridiculous. What's even more ridiculous was when Flight Time announced that taking the penalty was a strategic move. Uhhh ok, if that's what you need to tell yourself.

Both The Gays and Team Zebra shriek their way through the Cryo Bank challenge. Sam announces his ass is too big for his speedos and Vanessa tries to set the cold on fire. Bitch doesn't do cold. She's from Florida and the idea of anything under 70 degrees is repugnant. Eventually, both teams make their way to the Detour where The Gays choose Legend and Zebra chooses Lager. Funny how Brian is now magnetically drawn to all things alcohol. I told you Absinthe was magical. Must be the wormwood.

The Gays get to work bitching and yelling at each other. I'm tempted to say Dan was in rare form last night, but he wasn't. He was just busy being his usual loathsome self only this time he's also got a rampant case of the Meghan's. In addition to his routine yelling, he's now added psycho bitch whining to his repertoire. The funniest moment had to be when Sam reprimanded Dan for getting dirt in their mud. They have to deliver Golem to a synagogue so naturally Sam was concerned that, "The rabbi's gonna be pissed!". Dan simply ignored Sam, stamped his foot, "accidentally" shoved some mud up Sam's nose, and moaned that his fuschia v-neck was getting dirty. When they finally get to the part where they have to move Golem, the night air was filled with cries of, "He's too heavy!", "You're being a baby!", "I'm trying! Shut UP!!!". My apologies to the Prague population. Please don't judge Americans by these 2 a-holes. We're currently trying to kick them out of our country. We're thinking somewhere like Mauritania. Does that work for you? Unfortunately, The Gays finish and we now have our 2nd Finale Team.

Back at Lager, Vanessa has strapped on her Whitney weave and her ninja stars. Bitch is livid she has to carry beer. To makes matters worse (or funny as hell if you're me), the street is filled with merrymakers who want to steal Whitney's libations. Brian is immediately concerned as to why the drunk celebrators don't have jobs so he sets up a Job Fair booth in the middle of the street and begins to counsel them on employment opportunities. Whitney, on the other hand, is having none of it. She's whipping stars out of her weave left and right threatening to beat up anyone who steals her beer. Naturally, she knocks over all of her beers in the process. Throwing ninja stars and balancing 7 beers on a small tray wasn't Whitney's talent in her last pageant. It was just throwing deadly stars at random girls. Needless to say, she throws a hissy fit and tries to quit the Lager challenge. If she's not seeking a shortcut, she's seeking an easy way out. Brian, inebriated beyond belief, forgets his station in life and insists they continue the challenge. He tells her to carry only 2 beers at a time. Whitney moans at the thought of having to expend any effort, but she carries on threatening to kill any drunkard who crosses her path. After hours of Whitney's ruthless killing, Team Zebra finally finishes the challenge and we have our final Finale Team.

Dammit. That's all I'm gonna say. Dammit. I guess I'm forced to root for Cheyenne now. There's no way in hell I'm supporting The Gays and I can't stand Team Zebra so I suppose I'm left having to support Whiney McWhinerson and her big old bag of bullshit. Life is so unfair. What did you guys think of last night's episode? How are you reacting to the Jeff and Jordan news? Will I be bombarded with lots of hate mail now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Here is this week's installment of Elimination Station. The teams are now in Vegas and my only question is: How long did it take for Justin and Zev to hit the Bunny Ranch? I'm thinking 30 minutes is plenty generous. Mika continues to think Canaan made a mistake breaking up with her (no he didn't) and there's lots of wedding talk amongst the others. Justin has a heineken permanently fused to his hand and I can't say I blame him. Party on Justin!

Please to enjoy:

(Thanks Allen for the blog title!)