Monday, November 23, 2009

Prague. It's A Country!

I'm not going to mince words, but this season of The Amazing Race kind of sucks my ass. It's literally a chore to have to sit through it and, for the first time ever, blogging a tv show actually seems like work. Am I just still bitter Team Ass Burgers is gone or is the show really subpar this season? There are four teams left and I could care less about each and every one of them. Doesn't it seem like something is missing from this season? Have they cut down on the number of countries visited? We're down to the Final Four and they haven't even traveled half way around the world. Am I wrong in thinking they should have visited more destinations at this point in the race? The challenges seem "off" this season too. It's as if they've been phoned in and are (sometimes) way too easily completed. I don't know. I can't put my finger on it, but I do know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I've heard from a handful of you about how this season isn't tickling your no-no's in the least. Is it because of the people competing or something in the production? I have no idea, but let's recap anyway, shall we?

(As CBS is phoning it in, so am I. Today is going to be short and sweet.)

We pick up where we left off, in Estonia. Whiney McWhinerson and Cheyne Hair Gel are the first to leave and head to Prague. Once there they have to find a "Praga" which is an old timey car. Ooohhh challenging. How are they going to pull this off? My knees are knocking in anticipation. The Gays are second to leave and one of them (does it really matter who at this point?) is psyched to go to Prague. The other asks, "Where is it?". Sam or Dan replies, "Prague. It's a country!" Umm no you moronic twit. Prague is not a country. It's a city in the Czech Republic. Ivana Trump is from there. How does a gay not know this?

Next up to leave is Team Zebra and, thankfully, Vanessa Williams is wearing her Whitney weave again. I've missed Whitney and her finger waving, neck shaking, knife wielding bad assness. She stepped into this episode in need of a major attitude (and wig) adjustment and I immediately knew she'd be good for a couple decent one-liners. She doesn't disappoint. Brian, on the other hand, is simply busy adjusting his halo and wondering if they'll see any rainbows on this leg. He talks about how he'll be nice to every team and knit them all smiley face sweaters when he gets back home. Whitney just sits and stares at him fanning down the flames that are bursting forth from her dead blackened soul.

All teams end up getting on the same flight and they all arrive in Prague at the same time. Everyone save Team Zebra hop into cabs and head toward the city square. Apparently someone on the plane (I'm thinking The Gays' long lost sister) told Team Zebra that taking a tram is the fastest way to get into the city. Well, that person was a lying little biznatch because Whitney and Mother Teresa ended up getting stuck on a bus in traffic hating life. Meanwhile, Cheyenne has already figured out that a Praga is a car so all they have to do is run like the wind once they arrive. The Gays are convinced a Praga is a sassy ballerina wrap type of shirt and are all set to search for someone fashionably dressed. Eventually, The Gays figure out they're wrong so they just follow Cheyenne around instead. Blah blah blah now they have to proceed to the Detour.

The Detour is Fast or Slow. Kinky. Once I got my mind out of the gutter I realized that the teams could either kayak down a manmade obstacle course or drag themselves across some ropes. Turns out Whiney is as scared of kayaks as she is of volleyball so she insists they do the rope challenge. The Gays, for once not copying someone else, decide to do the kayaks. The kayaking turned out to be much more difficult than it looked as maneuvering the kayaks through the course was a challenge. Dan, thinking he'd look good wet, barks out orders to Sam and they promptly tip over. Sam peed in the water and Dan beat him over head with an oar. This scene repeated itself about 5 times before they finally gave up and went to the ropes.

At this point the Globetrotters have arrived and have elected to do the ropes. Big Easy is ginormous and pulling his own weight is no easy feat. Cheyenne finish and are antsy to get down the scaffolding, but Flight Time is plum tuckered out and he's taking his sweet old time going down. Cheyne gets all pissy and accuses him of doing it on purpose (which would have been genius by the way) and Meghan just cries because she hadn't yet on that day. Flight Time insists he didn't do it on purpose but Cheyenne's incessant pestering makes him think going slower might be a good idea. Look, if I were Flight Time I would have paused. I would have planted my firm nubile ass on that scaffold and not left until Big Easy had finally gotten across the ropes. It's not breaking any rules and it's strategic. You're not racing to make friends, unless your name is Brian of course, so manipulating strategy when you have a chance is playing smart in my mind. Eventually, Flight Time gets down the scaffold and I think Meghan threw some poo at him, but I can't be sure.

The Globetrotters finish not long after Cheyenne and both are off to a theatre to find a miniature mandolin to hand to some dude named Don Giovanni. Meghan, for some reason, wants to work with the Globetrotters now, but Cheyne and his mousse are having none of it. They abandon the Globetrotters on the train tracks and opt to take a taxi instead. Meghan reprimands Cheyne for being rude and uses his hair as a tissue to blow her nose while Cheyne just sits there numb to her touch. As much as I like Cheyne, I HATE that he lets Meghan push him around and get her way all the time. He looks so depressed next to her and it's obvious he tunes her out half the time. Why doesn't he just up and ditch her ass? Is it really that hard to find someone else to date who looks like his sister? Look at the Mormons. They're always dating people who look like their siblings. Cheyne just needs to pack up and move to Salt Lake City if you ask me.

Alright so back at the Detour Team Zebra has finally arrived and they've instructed their taxi driver to sit and wait for them. The Gays are still on the rope challenge and they get all panicked when they see Whitney and Bobby arrive. Sam tries to scurry across the ropes, but his teeny tiny boy shorts are riding up rubbing his junk in all the right places so he's understandably distracted. Dan screams at Sam that their mother never loved him and his insults must have been contagious because Brian immediately begins to shout at Whitney to use 2 hands. Oh no he di-in't! Whitney jerks her head up and gives him that look. You know the one. The one your mom gives you that makes you turn red and tinkle yourself. I call it the "Mexican Mom Face", but when Whitney does it it's none other than a "Death Stare". Brian turns to ash and crumbles into oblivion kind of like Kirsten Dunst did in Interview With The Vampire.

Back at the theatre, Cheyne and Big Easy are busy searching for their tiny instruments (insert penis joke here). The entire time Cheyne was searching, Meghan was chanting over and over again, "Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, make sure you look carefully, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne..." It was INCESSANT! It reminded me of this:

"Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne..." Seriously, my jaw was on the floor wondering if this bitch was for real. It was at this point when I realized that Cheyne is indeed deaf. I'm thinking he became deaf later in life which is why he can talk normal. He's a master lip reader and all he has to do to ignore Meghan is look away. Genius! How could I have missed this before? No wonder he stays with her! He can't hear her. Unfortunately for the Globetrotters, they can hear Meghan just fine and she's getting on their last damn nerves. Finally, Cheyne finds the mandolin and just in a nick of time if you ask me. One more second and Cheyne would have returned to the stage to find Meghan decapitated and Flight Time with blood smeared across his mouth. I'm just saying.

Back at the ropes, The Gays have finally finished and now they're trying to steal Team Zebra's taxi. Dan, in his plunging pink v-neck t-shirt, is batting his eyelashes at the cabby offering to pay him double what Team Zebra would pay him. He says, "You're really not going to take us? You're really going to let us lose?" Ok now I loathe The Gays. I find them to be hypocritical and repugnant, but, I have to say, that stealing Team Zebra's cab was a pretty good move. It's not against the rules and it was strategic. Fine by me. Whitney, on the other hand, doesn't share my enthusiasm. She was swaying on the ropes frantically trying to reach the throwing stars she had hidden deep in her wig. Brian just made the sign of the cross, sighed, and decided not to send The Gays a fruitcake this Christmas. He says, "I don't see us working with Sam and Dan anymore." Whitney's head explodes and she shrieks, "We're not working with anyone!!!"

The Gays arrive at the theatre and Sam is giggling to Flight Time about stealing Team Zebra's cab. Look, I don't mind the cab stealing, but shut your damn trap about it! You're already seen as shady, but now you've cemented your reputation as minotaurs from hell. If The Globetrotters are ever in the position to help someone in the future, I think it's safe to say the chances are nil they'll lend The Gays a helping hand. Dan, perhaps sensing that Whitney was on her way to the theatre, quickly finds his instrument and scurries off to the Pit Stop. Cheyenne comes in first, The Gays second, and The Globetrotters third.

Whitney and Buddha eventually arrive at the theatre and Whitney, refusing to do more than is absolutely necessary, is half assing the search for the instrument. She refuses to believe it's really hidden somewhere and, I'm quite sure, she half expects it to come walking over to her and sit in her lap. I've never seen someone who cuts more corners (or innocent children) than this bitch does. Does she do this in her everyday life? Remember in the hookah challenge when she refused to match the colors? Can you imagine what her pageant coach must have had to deal with? I'm envisioning rehearsals/work-outs with Whitney holding a knife to his neck refusing to break a sweat or smile 100%. After hours of not really searching, she comes up with the instrument and makes her way to the Pit Stop. Good. She's in last. Finally, she'll go home, right? Not so fast sparky. Phil and his humongous pants inform Team Zebra that this is a nonelimination leg and they're still in the race. Wha... wha... what?!? Dammit! I'm not mad they still get to race. I'm mad I have an extra week to recap this shit. Damn you to hell Phil!

I know, like Whitney, I totally half-assed this today, but I'm just not feeling it anymore. The magic is gone. I'll finish out the season, but right now I'm not sure about next season. Maybe I'll replace The Amazing Race with Real Housewives of New York or the new Celebrity Fit Club. Is there a reality show in particular that you'd like to see me recap? American Idol is out of the question. I'm only a fan of that show through the auditions. Comment it out bitches and have a wonderfully fabulous Thanksgiving!

Here is this weeks Elimination Station. I haven't even seen it yet, but please to enjoy: