Monday, November 16, 2009

Are You A Candle-Uh-Bruh?

Hop on an airplane, take a taxi, find a tower, climb some stairs, complain about having to climb stairs, unlock something, bitch about having to go back down stairs, grab another taxi, yell rudely at the driver, get inexplicably lost (even though you know your driver totally did it on purpose), throw a tantrum, yell at your partner, pick a Detour, struggle and belittle each other, intentionally insult the locals, whine about getting dirty, forget you actually wanted to be on this show (probably even begged at some point), tell America why your middle name should be Douche Wad Without The Heart Of Gold, race to the pit stop, kick another team in the groin, hop gaily onto the finish mat, discover you're not first, moan about how the first place team probably cheated using voodoo and santeria, go home to erect a rotting meat temple in your own honor, die horribly alone muttering to yourself, "We should have won in Stockholm... we should have won in Stockholm...". In one neat little paragraph I've effectively described just about all 15 seasons of The Amazing Race. Seriously, I'm so over this show. If you follow me on Twitter, you're very well aware of how much I HATE recapping this shit (just TAR) every week. Mondays to me are what Carrie Prejean is to humanity: A big giant boil on the face of all that is good in the world. Ughhh... let's recap, shall we?

Finally Phil Ill Fitting Pants mentions how important ABBA is to Stockholm as we prepare to leave the sight of the last Pit Stop. Took you long enough Phillip. Now get a tailor to do something about your pants. OK so the Globetrotters finished first and now they're the first to leave. Take a ferry to Estonia, the clue says. My first thought? I wonder if it'll be windy enough to make Dan fall overboard??? Once at the terminal all the teams are less than thrilled to discover that the ferry doesn't depart for another 12 hours. Once again, the playing field has been levelled. It's at this point where we learn that Ericka nee Vanessa Williams never won a thing in her pageants, but she still won the crown. This is why Team Zebra isn't upset they haven't won a leg yet. The Amazing Race is just another giant pageant after all. Teams sabotage each other, steal one another's Preparation H, stick hot chilies down each other's bathing suits, replace the opposing teams hairspray with mace, and substitute matte powder with itching powder. Just another day at the office for Vanessa.

PinkyPa has been notified that they'll have to undergo a Speed Bump this leg and Pinky ritualistically adorns himself with his black bandana and a fresh smear of goat's blood. The bandana contains magical mystical powers. It renders his vocabulary skills useless and makes him awkward towards hot Finnish babes, but more on that later. So yeah, they're on the ferry boat and blah blah blah they arrive in Estonia. Now they have to find a cab, go to a building where the Brotherhood Of Benzoyl Peroxide resides (Ok so it's really called the Brotherhood Of The Blackheads, but that name is too gross so I changed it), use a key on a keychain of many keys to unlock the door, go to the cellar, encounter a group of Renaissance Faire rejects, find a candelabra, go to a room, wave a scroll in front of a flame, and read the message to the next clue. The best part of this challenge had to be the Benzoyl Peroxide Brothers wearing tights pretending to sword fight in the basement. Clearly they were all drunk as someone was actually playing a lute.

While the teams were preparing to get pillaged from the guys, PinkyPa was instructed to find a Sauna Buss and take a sauna. Perfect! Pa's ancestors liked to sauna so no doubt he'll be really good at it. They board the bus, sit in a wooden room with some strangers, and began to profusely sweat. Enter Finnish Barbie. A lovely young blonde joins PinkyPa in the sauna and Pinky is promptly rendered mute. Finnish Barbie, blonde hair cascading down her back, is totally giving Pinky that come hither look (I wonder how much CBS paid her), but Pinky spent his college years playing Doom and, as a result, he isn't well versed in the language of love. Pa, on the other hand, totally wants to hop on Miss Finnish Universe and tap that ass, but times a wastin' and they've got a race to rejoin.

Back at the Clearasil Headquarters, Dan is busy sticking Biore Nose Strips on the Globetrotters asses. No, not really, but had there been Biore Nose Strips available I have no doubt Dan would have done that. Everyone is finding their scrolls, but reading them is another story. Big Flight or Easy Time (yes, I've changed their names) sees a crayon next to his scroll and since crayons are for coloring... well, you know the rest. He colors all over his scroll thinking it'll make the message emerge somehow. It doesn't and he stands there flummoxed. Cheyne, still my favorite player despite his girlfriend (whose name I've also changed. She's now Whiney McWhinerson.), figures out the candelabra wasn't just a prop and he discovers the message instantly. He's instructed to go to some Tower. The Amazing Race isn't The Amazing without at least 18 towers per episode.

PinkyPa, having put a down payment on a Sauna Buss and drawn up a business proposal for the Minnesota branch, is finally arriving at the ProActiv Club. Pinky decides to put all his untapped sexual energy to good use and do the challenge. He descends the stairs and is delighted to see that the Estonian's are also into fantasy role playing. Believe you me, Pinky has spent a weekend or two out in the forest with a clan of well fed dorks calling each other "thou" and wearing lace up shirts. Pinky thinks he's found Xanadu. That is, until he reads his clue. Find a candelabra? Pronounced in PinkySpeak as "candle-uh-bruh" (Thanks Allen!) Well shit! What the hell is a "candle-uh-bruh"? Surely, one of the pimple dorks, perhaps the one with the lute, is named "Candle-uh-bruh". If only it were that easy. After unsuccessfully demanding that the real "Candle-uh-bruh" present himself, Pinky puts two and two together (to get 5 no doubt) and surmises that "candle-uh-bruh" must have something to do with a candle. Eventually, Pinky makes it out of the Zit Messhall alive and they're off to the Detour.

The Detour is Surf (?) or Sling. Teams can either play volleyball in the mud in their skivvies or sling vegetables at a moose picture. Vanessa Williams, waving her finger and jerking her neck back and forth, informs us all that she's wearing a thong so the volleyball challenge is out of the question. Didn't one of the Redheads jog several miles in a thong last season? Players should know by now that, in addition to heights and water, stripping off your clothes is compulsory at some point. While Vanessa is busy making excuses Cheyne and Whiney McWhinerson are already done having kicked some major volleyball ass. Just when I've sworn off Cheyenne they pull out a stellar win. Bitches! They finish first and win a sauna of their own. Immediately, I secretly hope that Whiney locks herself in and melts away forever sometime in the future.

The Gays and The Globetrotters are now trying to play volleyball only something is amiss. There's something hinky going on with The Gays. Their junk is all pixellated. The only conclusion I insist on coming to is that The Gays were turned on by the strapping young Estonian bucks and they had some major wood CBS found too inappropriate for us to see. Actually, I think Sam was "peeping out" and Dan was flashing too many pubes. Either way I sat home happy knowing they were probably mortified watching it last night. Dan, who earlier swore off being a bratty little bitch, instantly morphed into a bratty little bitch as soon as the challenge started. He yelled at Dan for not playing right. Never mind the fact that Dan face planted his own ass in the mud repeatedly. Seriously, Dan was playing worse than Sam was, but, true to Dan form, he ignored those facts and got on his own bitch train. I loathe Dan with a passion. Earlier in the episode he actually trying to steal a cab away from an INVALID! Who does that?!? And this is where I came to an awful realization... I think The Gays might actually win this. I know, I know, hush my mouth and spank my ass. I'll never speak of it again I swear.

The Globetrotters, delightful even though slightly dim, are thinking they'll kick ass in the volleyball challenge because of their height. Yes, height is advantageous in volleyball, but not always necessary. Yours truly was actually captain of her varsity volleyball team. No, I'm not tall. I was a setter with a killer overhand serve. I once served an entire game against NCS (National Cathedral School - a couple years before Gore's daughter's went there). Seriously, that serve was magical. I don't know what I did but when my ball was coming at you it looked like it was swaying from side to side thus rendering you motionless and confused. Ahhh good times... well, until my bitch coach pissed me off and I walked off the team, but that's a story for another day. So yeah while height might be helpful in normal everyday volleyball, it's useless when you're planted knee deep in mud. Eventually, they get the hang of it and begin to score.

It's neck in neck with The Gays and The Globetrotters (obviously a recurring theme this season) and they end up finishing the Detour at about the same time. Now it all comes down to a foot race. Oh joy! I've been waiting for this. I've been eagerly anticipating The Globetrotters flying by The Gays kicking up all sorts of dust in their face. The race is on and they're running, they're running, they're running, and then it happens. Dan, a shining beacon of light to Christians everywhere, flings his elbow (much like George Costanza did in the nonfat yogurt episode) at Easy Time effectively pushing him off the wooden pathway and into the mud. Oh. Hell. No. Vanessa must have taught him that. Anyhow, The Gays finish 2nd and The Globetrotters finish 3rd, but not after a tension filled meeting with Phil. Phil, such a total pussy, tries to ask The Gays what happened. Dan acts all innocent retelling his version of the foot race while everyone at home is watching the replay. It was like that soccer chick from New Mexico who kept beating up her opponents on the field. She finally got kicked off her team just like Dan should be kicked off of... umm life. Yes, Dan should could be kicked off of life!

Back at the Detour, Team Zebra is unsuccessfully flinging vegetables every which way. Vanessa's pageant personality comes out as she's determined to beat her own husband at the challenge. Never mind the fact that it doesn't really matter who hits the moose just as long as someone hits the damn thing, bitch wants to win! Eventually, they hit the mark and slide into 4th place.

This leaves us with PinkyPa. Poor untalented, paunchy, sweat covered, yet charming at the same time PinkyPa. They're only just now arriving at the Detour and while they've kind of already figured out that they're in last place, they go on to finish the challenge smiling the whole way. Did you see that Poker Bitches? They finished! They didn't quit and cry and hold each other. They smiled, encouraged each other, and let themselves have fun in their final few minutes in the game. We all kind of knew they wouldn't win, but it was still disappointing to see them eliminated. I hope their Sauna Buss business is business and brings lots of Nordic hotties for Pa to play with.

Actually, after all my initial bitching, this episode wasn't that bad to recap. Note to self: Make sure you're in a super bitchy mood before blogging. It makes it easier! LOL So what did you guys think of last night's episode? Who are you rooting for now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Here's this week's Elimination Station. Unfortunately, Marcy gets way too much air time. Hasn't she melted yet?

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