Monday, November 9, 2009

Just Unroll Them!!!

There are many things that disappoint me in life. Sandra Bullock's hair in The Lake House comes to mind as well as: men in Ed Hardy shirts, people who tweet "Ooops I made a typo", the fact that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was born with a voice box, and, most importantly, when I issue a challenge to someone and they fail so miserably that it makes me rethink my purpose on this planet. Last week I gave Meghan one more chance to win me over. She had a golden opportunity to impress and delight me, get a great write up in this here blog, and make up for all her past regressions. Well, the bitch let me down. Let's recap, shall we?

The episode opens with the teams leaving Holland and heading to Sweden. Once again they're issued a death defying challenge: travel to Stockholm and go on a ride in an amusement park. Bo-ring! Why not just have the teams tickle each other and have a pillow fight? Anyhow, they have to go on a ride that's like those parachute things at Knott's Berry Farm, find an arrow, throw some hoops on a gnome hat, and drive to a farm. The Gays are first to depart and Dan must have OD'd on his bitch pills that morning because he immediately starts bitching and moaning in the car on the way to the airport. Seriously, they're not 5 minutes into the challenge and he's already bitching about how Sam isn't breathing right or some shit like that. Cheyenne (Cheyne/Meghan) and the Globetrotters leave not long after.

The Gays, Cheyenne, and Globetrotters all get on the first flight out with PinkyPa (Gary/Matt) and Team Zebra (Brian/Ericka) stuck on a flight 2 hours later. Amazingly, Ericka is keeping Whitney in check and manages to keep her wig on straight for the majority of the episode. In the middle of my being stunned at lucid Ericka, Brian informs us that the reason they came on the show was to convince Ericka's mom that they make a good couple. Bull-shit! Am I seriously expected to believe that they were sitting at home one night upset over the fact that Ericka's mom doesn't support them as an interracial couple when one of them says, "I know what we can do! We can go on The Amazing Race. That'll convince her!" Give me a fucking break. You did not go on the show to improve race relations. You went on to win a million dollars. There's nothing wrong with trying to win some money. However, there is definitely something wrong with them trying to convince me otherwise.

Ok so apparently Sweden is known for dynamite and Vikings. It is? When I think of Sweden I think of Garbo and ABBA, but that's just me I guess. At the Detour teams have to choose between Nobel Dynamite and Viking Alphabet. Obviously, they all choose Nobel Dynamite. I'm thinking at this point in the race the temptation to blow something up was entirely too strong to ignore. They have to fill bags with sand, create a bunker, blow up some dirt, and unearth their next clue. Eh I would have preferred a Voulez-Vous Lay All Your Love On Me Dancing Queen challenge. I'm thinking the Globetrotters would have killed in a challenge like that. I'm also thinking Meghan would have found a way to cry. Looking back, I think Meghan has cried during every single leg of the race thus far. She should get together with Mika and go bowling. I'm just saying...

The Gays dive in filling their bags with their hands while Meghan gets busy trying to micromanage Cheyne. He's not shovelling right, he's not holding the bag open enough, he's not carefully placing each kernel of dirt gently in the bag, he's not encouraging her... you know what Meghan? Be thankful he's not smacking you upside the head because that's what I'd be doing. Seriously, I don't know how Cheyne can listen to her constant whining without jamming rusty spikes into his ears. She reminds me of Veruca Salt "I want it nooooooooooow". Only she's saying, "Nooooooooo you gotta keep it open." Meghan is insisting they both work together to fill the bags one at a time. Obviously, she's had her morning breakfast of brain tumors and nonsense because that's the dumbest idea ever. Just when I thought Meghan had reached her idiotic pinnacle she begins to moan, "Cheyne encourage me pleeeease... help meeeeeeeeee." Is this bitch for real? They're in the middle of a race and she wants to have a couples session? Ugh. I'll encourage you Meghan. Come here. SMACK! How's that for encouragement? Now shut your trap and fill the damn bag already.

At this point, Team Zebra and PinkyPa have arrived in Sweden and they're completing the amusement park tasks fairly efficiently and quickly. Back at the dynamite challenge, The Gays and the Globetrotters successfully finish while Meghan is still fussing over how Cheyne doesn't hug her enough. Eventually, Cheyenne finishes and this is where I'm thinking Cheyne is either the most patient guy on the planet or the dumbest. The fact that he doesn't hurl Meghan out of a moving car is astounding, but the fact that he puts up with her constant nagging is even more puzzling. As they're leaving the challenge Meghan starts in again on Cheyne saying that he didn't exhibit good teamwork during the last challenge. *throws hands in air* I don't know why I continue to be shocked by what comes out of her mouth, but I am.

This brings us to the big historical Road Block challenge. Teams are instructed to unroll big bales of hay and find a flag before proceeding to the Pit Stop. Personally, I don't remember this challenge. I've only seen a few seasons of The Amazing Race, but apparently a team spent 10 hours doing this in a past season. Nice! Now we're talking. Let's torture these bitches as much as possible. Ok so the teams begin to arrive and the first decision they must make is who will do the unrolling? Dan, so familiar with the challenge you'd think he's done it before, for some reason decides Sam will do it. Makes zero sense. Over at Team Cheyenne, Meghan is still yelling at Cheyne for god knows what that at this point his eyes have just glazed over. She's demanding he make a decision, but instead of waiting for an answer she kicks him in the shins and marches off to do the challenge herself. First off, Meghan you suck! Go pop some Prozac and get over your passive aggressive bullshit. Secondly, Cheyne grow some balls! This is obviously a physically taxing challenge that requires a certain level of endurance. It's just common sense you'd choose the stronger player to do it. There's no question in my mind that Cheyne should have stepped up, pushed Meghan to the side, covered her mouth with duct tape, and completed the challenge himself.

Speaking of duct tape, let's talk about Dan for a little bit. What a psychotic freak of nature this guy is. As soon as Sam stepped out onto that hay field, Dan began screaming at him nonstop. "You're not doing it right!", "Just unroll them!", "Stop doing that!", "You're going to be here forever!", "I'm better looking than you!", "You're the loser brother and I'm king of world!"... ok so maybe I made a few of those up. Then again, who knows? They edit a lot out of these shows. Like I mentioned before, why didn't Dan just do this challenge himself since apparently he's the master of hay bales? ALSO, last night Sam tweeted that he was allergic to hay. If that's true, which I doubt it is, then WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD HE DO A HAY CHALLENGE? Anyhow, Sam was clearly annoyed with Dan's shouting and would frequently shout back, "Shut up!", "Just be quiet!", "Mom loves me better!".

Back in codependent country, Meghan now has a new mantra, "This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life." Really? Unrolling hay is the hardest thing you've ever done? Do you live on a cloud and spend your days sprinkling pixie dust over yourself? Seriously, she makes me really angry. Thankfully, the Globetrotters, Team Zebra, and PinkyPa have all arrived at this point and I can avert my attention elsewhere. Tweedle Dee (Meghan) and Tweedle Dum (Dan) are giving me a headache. Brian rolls for Team Zebra and in the span of about 30 seconds even he's ready to pummel Dan's face in. Calmly, he informs Dan that the hay rolling is harder than it looks. Dan marches up to Brian, smacks him in the face with his glove, and goes back to telling Sam how inadequate he is.

Meanwhile, Big Easy (I think) is unrolling his hay and just as he's about to move onto another bale, he kicks a clump of hay to discover a flag. The Globetrotters have found their needle in a haystack! Dan, of course, begins to mock Sam for not finding his flag first. Sam, on the other hand, had other fish to fry. He thinks the Globetrotters are the luckiest team in the race and that everything seems to go their way. Who's the bitter bitch now? Sam is just as moronic as Dan is. Does he not remember how for several legs of the race the Globetrotters came thisclose to being eliminated? I don't know what Sam's beef is with Big Easy, but he really dislikes him. I'm wondering if we missed a fight early on or if it's just good old fashioned jealousy and resentment. I'm not sure. All I know is I really hope the Globetrotters kick The Gays' ass. Something like a tension filled foot race in an upcoming leg where the Globetrotters blow The Gays away would be satisfying.

Speaking of likable teams, this brings me to my new favorite team: PinkyPa. They're now at the hay farm and Pa decides to do the challenge (which I have no problem with because Pinky is a chubby monkey making him about as equally physically fit as his father). So Pa walks out onto that field and with Pinky encouraging him and rooting him on, he gets to work on those hay bales. Pinky's kind words must have been like kryptonite to Dan because all of a sudden Dan begins to feel bad for being a total asshole. Dan sees how Pinky saying nice things seems to have a positive effect on Pa. Who knew?!?

Over in Wendy Whiner Central, Meghan is now throwing a full blown tantrum and crying. She's essentially stopped unrolling her hay and has decided that crying like a little bitch is a much better use of her time. The icing on the cake is when she goes back to unrolling her hay and can't make a decision as to which hay bale to unroll next. She screams at Cheyne, who's now fashioning a noose out of his shoelaces, to help her decide which hay bale she should cry into next. To my complete and utter dismay, the bitch actually manages to find a flag. To my utter delight, she decides to surprise Cheyne and proceeds to fall face first into a ditch. Cheyenne finish second with Team Zebra right behind them rolling into third place.

We're now left with The Gays and PinkyPa. Dan, for the most part, has stopped screaming at this point while Sam is exhausted almost resigning himself to defeat. Pinky remains steadfast cheerleading for Pa while Pa mutters to himself, "A million dollars... come on baby!" How can you not like this guy? I'll be honest, I thought he was going to be an uptight conservative who bitched at his son all the time, but he's done nothing of the sort. He's joked about calling a hookah a bong, he helped his son dye his hair pink, and he's aluded to wearing women's clothing in his spare time. I love his attitude, his open mindedness, and his ability to never give up. As we all know, The Gays managed to eventually find their flag. Did PinkyPa scream and kick and bitch and moan? No! They kept going, kept cheering each other on, and after 3 hours Pa finally uncovered his flag.

I'm sure you were all thinking the same thing I was: Please let this be a nonelimination round. Well, the gods smiled down on us my friends. Even though PinkyPa finished last, they live to see another leg. They'll have to encur a Speedbump next week, but that's ok. Meghan could have a complete meltdown and Dan could kill Sam in his sleep so I'm not writing off PinkyPa yet.

What did you guys think of The Gays and Cheyenne last night? Are you onboard with my new found affection for PinkyPa? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Please to enjoy this week's Elimination Station where Lance actually admits what a loser he is and Canaan dumps Mika's ass: