Monday, November 2, 2009

Know When To Hold 'Em, Know When To Fold 'Em

There was once a young woman. Beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, talent like you wouldn't believe. The whole world opened it's arms and embraced her. It was as if she could do no wrong... until she did a reality show. Now she spends hours on Oprah trying to convince the world she's not a crackhead. I think you all know who I'm talking about. I thought I'd never see reality show Whitney again, until I saw last night's Amazing Race. Heaven smiled down upon me and blessed me last night my friends. Let's recap, shall we?

We pick up where we left off, at the Atlantis Dubai. Cheyenne (Cheyne/Meghan) are the first to depart. They tear open their clue to discover they're off to Amsterdam. Oh joy! Finally, we'll get that hydroponic pot smoking challenge I've been waiting for. Teams will have to visit The Grasshopper, ask for a menu, and smoke up. Oh wait... that's not their challenge. That was my first trip to The Netherlands. Nevermind. Ok so the teams are instructed to fly to Amsterdam and drive themselves to some monument to find their next clue. Upon arriving at the airport, Cheyenne's souls are crushed to discover that the first flight out is at midnight thus levelling the playing field amongst all the teams.

In the car on the way to the airport we meet the newest incarnation of Team Zebra (Brian/Ericka). Before, I kept referring to Ericka as Vanessa Williams because of the whole evil pageant thing she had going for her, but for the sake of this post she'll now be known as Whitney (in her Bobby Brown years). So Whitney and Bobby are sitting in their cab and Whitney announces how she doesn't want to be seen as a nagging wife. You know what this means don't you? This means we're getting a whole hour of Whitney nagging like nagging has never been done before! Refill your gin tumblers and wrap yourselves in velvet bitches because we've got a good time ahead of us.

So all the teams are sitting in the airport lounge and for some reason interchangable Sam or Dan announces, "We're the token gays!". Someone, probably Cheyne, mumbles, "Now the matching swimsuits make sense!" Giggles all around. The Poker Bitches (Maria/Tiffany) tear up a little bit and console each other for not being able to pick up any hot men during the race. Sam or Dan then reveal they're still in the closet at home and not everyone knows they're gay. Whitney, not missing a beat, shouts, "They do now!" Oh Whitney, bless your heart. Can I pack your crack pipe again for you?

All teams arrive in Amsterdam, which, for a city where all drugs and prostitution are legal, is surprisingly charming and lovely. Sure, the sex shops carry some unusual pornography (one word: horses), but the beer is the best I've ever drank in my life and those circular bicycles with seven people navigating at once are a good time (especially if you're stoned off your rocker) but I digress. Team Zebra is having a very difficult time and aren't getting off to a very good start. They're sitting in their car in the parking structure wondering why the damn thing won't go into Drive. Brian is sitting there, car door wide open, one foot firmly placed on the ground, wondering why he can't he can't drive off into the Dutch countryside. Whitney, in the back seat, is smacking her lips and sighing dramatically, making it known to all of us that she thinks her husband is a moron. Brian yells back at her that the car won't go into Drive and that he doesn't know what's wrong. Whitney lights up (her crack pipe) and shouts, "Don't get mad at me cuz you don't know how to start the damn car!" I found myself hoping, for Brian's sake, that Whitney didn't have a Swiss Army Knife in her knapsack cuz bitch would have totally cut him at that point. Eventually, Brian figures out (with the help of a stranger he forced to assist him) that shutting the car door is a necessary maneuver if you want the car to drive away.

At this point we get one of the funniest sound bytes ever. The Globetrotters divulge that the only reason they know Brian's name is because Ericka keeps screaming it when she's mad at him. LOL Further proof that Ericka is Whitney... "Bobbbaaayyy!" (Seriously if you're not getting these references, flog yourself senseless for never having watched Being Bobby Brown.)

Teams retrieve the next clue: Who's got strong legs and keen eyes? In this challenge teams have to climb some bell tower, count all the bells, and give the total to the Dutch dude at a piano. Sam and Meghan decide to work together while out of nowhere Pinky emerges and delivers the correct total: 62. Seriously, where the hell did he come from? OK so Sam and Meghan shortly thereafter also get the total right and Sam promptly whispers the total to Tiffany as she's climbing up the tower. Meghan overhears him and runs down to tattle to Cheyne. Cheyenne are none too thrilled and proceed to hightail to the next clue which is located at some windmill.

Team Zebra finally arrives at the bell tower and Whitney snatches the clue away from Brian declaring she's gonna do the challenge. Brian, scared and obviously intimidated, slowly backs away from the clue and tries to find his happy place. Whitney, sassy and full of gumption, climbs the stairs thinking counting is for suckers. She tells the Dutch dude that the total is 43. Dutch dude says no and Whitney punches him in the face (ok maybe not). At this point, the Globetrotters and the Poker Bitches are long gone leaving Brian whimpering to himself and biting his nails at the base of the tower. Whitney, hands bloodied from beating the Dutch guy to a pulp, begins her counting all over again. She's trying to quiet the cracky voices in her head, but they're much too loud. Her next guess is 56 and all the Dutch dude can do at this point is cry and beg for his life.

Over at the Detour, the teams are choosing between Farmers Game or Farmers Dance. In Farmers Game, teams have to swim in their underwear to a pseudo golf course where they have to play 3 holes of golf getting the ball into the hole in 8 strokes or less. In Farmers Dance, they have to ride a bicycle, ring a bell, learn a dance, and eat some salted herring. My first thought was that the salted herring was going to be a huge problem for some of the teams, but much to my surprise no one mentioned it at all. The Gays and Cheyenne decide to play some golf while PinkyPa heads over to the dance hall. The whole time Meghan is whining about how she can't play golf and she knows she won't be able to hit the ball. Now, I'm trying really hard to be on Team Cheyenne, but Meghan makes it extremely difficult to cheer her on. All this bitch does is whine and cry... and over the most ridiculous things! They haven't even started playing golf yet and she's already crying over how hard it's going to be. I'm not going to give up on them just yet though. I'll give Meghan one more week not to piss me off again. I'm giving Meghan the same challenge I gave to Lydia in BB11. She has one week to turn her shit around and win me back. Lydia pulled it off and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Meghan can too. The only person she has to thank for this second chance is Cheyne. She's damn lucky he's so likable, that's all I have to say.

At the dance hall we discover that Pa from PinkyPa is no stranger to wearing women's clothes. Nice! He assures us that his past in drag wasn't the least bit kinky, but I think we all know Pa has some skeletons in his closet and you know what? We all like him a little more for it. Initially I thought Pa would be a little too conservative for my taste, but I'm happy to say that he's the comic relief making Pinky look a little bit like a doormat in comparison. They ring their bell with no problem and begin to learn the dance. Midway through Pinky decides to read the clue over again in it's entirety. Uh oh... Pinky doesn't do fish and right then and there they quit the dance and decide to play golf instead. I knew it! I knew the fish would be problematic, but does anyone listen to me? No! Lucky for PinkyPa they discovered the fish thing in time, but I still think they're moronic for having not seen that part of clue sooner. As the hour progresses, we'll discover that they're not the only ones who didn't read the clue carefully.

Let's check back in at the bell tower, shall we? I know my precious angels... I'm frightened too. Oh dear, Whitney is in major withdrawal and now she's a blubbering mess crying into Brian's shoulder. My first thought? Bitch, why aren't you counting the damn bells?!? My second thought? Nevermind, I'm ok with you getting eliminated. Brian, bless his heart, is surprisingly supportive and consoling. If I were him, I'd be screaming my head off for her to get her act together and count those damn bells. Then I remembered that Brian is probably scared of her and I nodded knowingly.

Back at the golf course, The Gays have finished and Cheyne has finally managed to get Meghan to stop whining long enough to hit the ball. Now they have the hang of it and they finish 2nd. Meanwhile, The Poker Bitches, who are totally growing on me by the way, are yodelling on their bikes asking, "Who are we right now? Like who are we?" These two always make me laugh and I decide then and there to forgive them their past regressions and start supporting them again. Well, I never claimed to have impeccable judgment, but more on that later. At the Pit Stop, The Gays prance into first place and are rewarded with a sand buggy. A sand buggy? That's worse than PinkyPa's canoe they won. Unless you live in the Mojave and travel the world doing extreme sports a sand buggy is the worst prize possible. As if reading my mind, Sam (@sammcmillen) tweeted "Anybody wanna buy a sand buggy?"

Back at the bell tower Whitney finally guesses the correct number of bells and now she's busy crying about not wanting to go home. Over at the dance hall, The Globetrotters have arrived and they're absolutely delightful. They're big, not exactly graceful, but they embrace the dance challenge and manage to get the entire room cheering them on. While they're busy winning hearts, The Poker Bitches get busy crying. Wha.. wha... what??? What the hell? I just decided to give them my full support and now they cry over not being able to ring their bell? For some reason, they can't hit the mark hard enough to ring the bell. As I haven't seen another woman successfully ring that bell yet, I won't judge them for that, but I will judge them for just standing there crying about it. By the end of the episode, they'll have gone back and forth between the 2 challenges twice crying at both of them. For some reason, they're totally nonchalant, taking their time, and taking lots of breaks to cuddle and hug each other. I just don't get it. I don't understand their lackadaisical attitude.

At this point, Cheyenne, The Gays, PinkyPa, and The Globetrotters have all finished this leg. We're left with Team Zebra and The Poker Bitches. Team Zebra decided to do the dance challenge, but they neglected to hop on their bicycles. They've been walking miles in their wooden shoes and they're about as broken as two people can be at this point. Whitney is literally telling Brian that she is the only one who has a right to mad because she did the bell tower challenge and he didn't. At this point, I'm hoping Brian takes of his wooden shoes and starts hurling them at her. Much to my disappointment, he just takes her insults and they finally arrive at the dance challenge. They complete the dance and, to my utter astonishment, Whitney inhales the herring with no problems at all. They proceed to the Pit Stop and are informed that since they didn't use their bicycles they'd have to encur a 30 minute penalty. Hell to the no. 30 minutes?!? They should be penalized at least an hour. You can't just neglect an entire portion of a challenge and get off that easily. Seems totally unfair to me.

Over on the golf course, The Poker Bitches are shivering and shaking and telling each other how great they are. It's pretty clear they've basically given up at this point. All I was wondering was, is this going to be a nonelimination round? Well, guess what? We never find out because after Team Zebra cried through their half hour penalty, Phil pops up on the golf course (out of thin air mind you) and just nods and says it's obvious The Poker Bitches have given up. Stop! Hold up. Back in the Wasabi challenge, they didn't finish properly because they lost their Japanese ladies to the Yakuza but they still remained in the game. I know that if last week in Dubai was a nonelimination round the Holy Rollers would have been allowed to continue even though they didn't go down the slide. Something was hinky about the way the show ended last night. Phil never told the Poker Bitches that they were eliminated from the race. I know they're gone. It's not like I'm expecting them to show up next week, but I'm really wondering if that was a nonelimination round last night, but because The Poker Bitches kept stopping to cuddle they changed it to an elimination round at the last minute. Something was weird about the way it all came to an end. Of course I could just be pissed off that that bitch on Team Zebra lives to see another day. Who knows?

What do you guys think? Did you think something was weird the way it ended last night? Are you over Team Zebra at this point? Would you have rather they left than the Poker Bitches? Who are you guys rooting for now?

(Special thanks to TKeep123 for inspiring this week's title)

Check out this week's Elimination Station where Marcy is still drunk and melting, Lance is still being a douchebag, and Zev is remarkably a teeny weeny bit evil and drunk. That resort they're staying at looks more ghetto everytime I see it. I wonder if it even had air conditioning...

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