Monday, October 26, 2009

You Can't Make Me!


Now, I don't know everything, but what I do know can be boiled down to this: those bitches on The Hills get paid way too much money, children given "Time Outs" grow up to be serial killers, at least one girl will get kicked off the Bad Girls Club each season, Sarah Jessica Parker getting a beauty contract with Garnier offends me, Nikon is better than Canon, Phil Keough's clothes never fit properly, Justin Kanew has to shave his back weekly, and THERE WILL BE SEVERAL WATER AND HEIGHT ORIENTED CHALLENGES ON THE AMAZING RACE. In fact, it's the 11th commandment: Thou shalt get wet and look down from great heights on The Amazing Race. Let's recap, shall we?


We begin where we left off: Dubai. As Cheyenne (Cheyne/Meghan) were the first to finish, they are the first to depart. They are instructed to choose a briefcase, take a taxi to the Dubai Yacht Club and find the next clue. Once at the Yacht Club, they encounter a Road Block and must row an inflatable dinghy to a Yacht, receive a watch, row back, and use the watch to figure out how to unlock the briefcase. Cheyne hops in the dinghy and begins to sing, "Row row row your boat gently down Dubai..." as teams Zebra, Globetrotters, and PinkyPa (freshly dyed) begin to join the race. Due to last week's Fast Forward, Cheyenne have a huge lead and minutes later Cheyne is back with Meghan figuring out that the code to the briefcase is the time on the watch: 8:35. It takes him literally 2 seconds to figure it out and I sit back happy and satisfied that I've chosen to join Team Cheyenne.


Brian rows for Team Zebra because Vanessa Williams is scared of water and the Globetrotters encounter a major setback when their taxi driver gets lost. I wonder if he did it on purpose. I always thought if I was a cab driver and some loud bitches were hooting and hollering at me, I'd totally get lost on purpose just to piss them off even more. It's like that time in college when I did a brief stint for a catering company. There was this stupid whore who kept giving me attitude so I promptly pretended to trip and spilled an iced tea down the front of her dress. To me, this is the only way to deal with obnoxious bitches and it's probably why I'd never do well in the service industry. Anyhow, they get majorly delayed due to their evil cab driver while Team Zebra is opening up their suitcase and proceeding on to the next clue.


Cheyenne arrives at the Detour and it's Gold or Glass. In gold, they have to measure out $500,000 in gold. In glass, they have to put together 12 hookahs. Cheyenne decides to do Glass and they get to work on their hookahs. I like Cheyenne and all, admittedly in part because they're friends with Kevin from BB11, but Meghan can really get on my nerves sometimes. She tells Cheyne to be cautious and to go slow, but the way she says it makes me think she's saying it for our benefit and not Cheyne's. Like she thinks that's what she should say for the cameras rather than what she'd instinctually say. I don't know how to explain it. Ok you know how you'll be sitting in a restaurant and some bitch at another table is talking really loud and it's obvious she wants you to hear what she's talking about? Well, the way Meghan talks to Cheyne reminds me of that. It's not that she's particularly loud, but that she's a little disingenuous in her delivery. I can forgive it only because Cheyne and his hair are funny and I give lots of extra points for a sense of humor.


Team Zebra, on the other hand, decides to do Gold and you can tell Vanessa Williams was trying to think of ways to shove that gold down her pants without anyone noticing. The problem with the gold challenge was that the exchange rate kept changing every minute and apparently dividing a few numbers is too hard for some people. Back at the Yacht Club, The Gays and The Globetrotters are now rowing their dingies. Big Easy decided to use his mammoth arms to row the boat because for some reason he couldn't figure out how to use the oars. Flight Time yells, "Do it for the hood!" Sam or Dan, they're interchangable to me, shouts to the Sam or Dan in the boat, "Do it for the suburbs!" and everyone at home promptly giggled. Eventually, both teams make it back to the boat house, but Big Easy apparently left his brain on the yacht and now he can't figure out how to open the case. He thinks the hour, the minute, and the date are the code and begins to violently beat his briefcase when it refuses to open. Conversely, The Gays open theirs in a snap and they gloat and strut off to their next Detour. Even the Holy Rollers (Canaan/Mika) and The Poker Bitches (Tiffany/Maria) manage to catch up and pass the Globetrotters. Big Easy announces his briefcase is "tore up" and he continues to try to pry it open with his meaty hands.


Over at the Hookah challenge, Meghan is still nagging Cheyne and they end up putting the hookah's together incorrectly. Meanwhile Vanessa Williams figures stealing gold isn't an option so Team Zebra quit that challenge and decide to try the hookah's instead. PinkyPa immediately decides to do the hookah challenge as Pinky assures his dad he knows what hookah is. I'll bet you do buddy. To everyone's surprise his dad nods knowingly saying he knows what one is too, but he used to call it something else and I immediately picture PinkyPa sitting at home after the race is all done packing a huge purple bong tightly with some Northern Lights. Anyhow, Cheyenne finally finish after discovering they missed a washer and are instructed to proceed to the Atlantis Dubai Resort.


Here's my favorite part of the show and not only because I've been to the Paradise Island Atlantis (which looks exactly like the Dubai one) probably 10 times in my life. My family has been visiting the Atlantis in the Bahamas for years, way before the South Africans bought it and added all the water slides and shark crap. I am no stranger to Bahama Mamas, Screaming Zombies, Booze Cruises, Bahamian ganja, Conch Fritters, and breaking hearts up and down the crystal blue coast line. Good times and everyone should go there at least once in their life. You won't be sorry.


OK so the teams are instructed to make their way to the Atlantis and go down a water slide into a pool of sharks. The shark part sounds sketchy, but then you have to remember that this is a FAMILY RESORT and little kids do this shit all day long. The only thing you have to be scared of is the massive wedgie you'll get going down that slide. Seriously, I once went on a water slide like that (at Kings Dominion I think) and your bathing suit rides up your ass in a most unpleasant way. I remember being in 8th grade on a field trip pointing and laughing at all the older ladies digging in and pulling their wedgies out in front of everyone after going down the super steep water slide. The key is to fix your suit before you stand up or else you'll get snot nosed adolescents pointing and laughing at you. Cheyenne announce they're afraid of heights and Meghan wonders if the sharks are real or fake, but they both suck it up and go down sliding into another first place win. They win some personal watercraft thing and Cheyne does the phoniest reaction I've ever seen when he exclaims, "Oh my god... no way!" You know he was thinking, "Why couldn't we just get another trip somewhere?" I imagine that unless you live on the beach or have a second house on a lake a personal watercraft is kind of a crappy prize. I wonder if they've put them up on eBay yet...


Back at the hookah challenge, Vanessa Williams is insisting that accuracy and specificity is completely unnecessary. She thinks having mismatched colored hoses and parts connected incorrectly is just fine and dandy. Is having a gut in a pageant ok? Is having stains on your evening gown ok? Is smiling and waving with spinach in your teeth ok? Uh no! You don't half ass your pageant bullshit so why would you half ass the hookah? Every time they put the hookah's together incorrectly her face would contort and react and I immediately feared for everyone's life. It's a good thing they weren't putting together bayonets or something sharp because Vanessa is fully capable of pulling a Whitney and cutting a bitch.


Back at the Gold challenge, The Poker Bitches and The Gays have teamed up again and vow to help each other. The Gays share their calculator, The Poker Bitches use their math skills, and together they knock they come up with a half a million in gold and arrive at the Pit Stop in 2nd and 3rd place. All the other teams are still struggling with the hookah challenge. Pinky, totally jonesing for a hit, gets light headed and has to sit down. Mika, slowly beginning her transformation into a 5 year old girl, announces out of nowhere "I wish I were naked right now." Canaan, horrified at the thought of a woman naked, puts all his attention into the hookah's trying to erase the image of boobies in his head. Eventually, the teams all finish the hookah challenge and hurl themselves down the water slide with no problem whatsoever. All except for the Holy Rollers...


Canaan and Mika approach the water slide like it's an executioner's platform. Mika, terrified and clad in the ugliest bathing suit I've ever seen, actually has water wings on. Water wings! It's a goddamn water slide and bitch has water wings on. Canaan knows the longer they stay up there, the more scared Mika is gonna get so he gently tries to coax her to the water slide opening. Mika gingerly dips her toes into the water and Canaan, channeling Lance I think, puts down his bible and picks her up literally trying to hurl her ass down the slide. At this point, I'm in heaven. This shit is hysterical and I'm all excited waiting to see Mika tumble down the slide backwards. Unfortunately, Mika is a tad scrappy and manages to escape from Canaan's clutches. She literally stomps her feet in the water and shouts, "You can't make me! You can't make me!" Uh bitch, you're on national TV, wearing arm floaties, throwing a temper tantrum about a water slide. Are you for real? I wonder what it was like for her parents when she was a kid and visiting Disneyland. I'll bet she screamed bloody murder on the Teacups and puked all over the robot children in It's A Small World After All. Moonbounces at birthday parties made her break out into hives and I'm quite sure she threw her own shit at the monkeys at the zoo. How does she take a bath or ride an elevator? Seriously, how does she function if a hotel she's staying at has a fountain out front?


Writing about reality shows, I can't help but imagine what I would be like if I were to be cast. I know that Survivor is filthy and without WiFi so that's a show I'd never do. I know that Big Brother has cameras everywhere and I hate people being all in my business so fat chance seeing me anywhere near that house. AND I know that some sort of swimming, running, and possible Bungee jumping is compulsory when it comes to The Amazing Race. The one thing that would scare me would be Bungee jumping or Skydiving, but the desire not to look like a pussy on national tv would overpower my desire to be scared and I'd jump dammit. I'd fucking jump. Sure, I'd probably pee my pants and cry like a little bitch, but I'd do it because I'd anticipate it. I'd know it would be coming eventually and I'd prepare myself not to even think about it and just do it. It's stunning to me that Mika goes on a show filled with shit she's scared of and she's completely unprepared mentally to tackle the challenges she knows are coming. Even dumb ass Jordan from Big Brother knew enough to watch previous seasons before going on the show. There is no way Mika didn't know she'd encounter water and heights on The Amazing Race. It pisses me off that she took someone else's space on the show - someone who'd actually relish the challenges. From what I've seen online, people go batshit crazy trying to get on this show more so than any other reality show I've ever seen and it kills me that this useless bitch got chosen. Yes, it bugs me that she's a budding country star and I'm 99% sure she did this show for publicity and NOT for the race itself. That is infuriating and insulting to the thousands of teams who apply every season. For the record, I've never applied. The Amazing Race is a little too anxiety ridden for me and when I travel I prefer to take my sweet old time instead of constantly rushing. I'm a hang out with the locals, explore the road less traveled, ingratiate myself into the culture kind of traveler.


OK so at this point the Globetrotters are finishing up at the gold challenge and Mika is whining to Canaan, "Why do you want to do this stupid stuff? This is stupid, stupid, stupid..." and then she starts to pray. Hmmm, did Canaan make her do the show? Was it his idea all along? I'd be interested to know if he held a gun (or a bible) to her head and forced her to go on The Amazing Race. Was she shackled and blindfolded and denied food and shelter if she didn't go on the show? No. Hell no. Bitch had a hand in being there and she's fooling no one. After several minutes of her whining bullshit she sits on the slide and I'm thinking, "Dammit, the bitch is actually going to go down the slide." At this point I've given up on my dream of her flailing down the slide and replaced it with a new dream of her being booted back to the States. I'm done with her and her pseudo non sexual boyfriend right about now. God (or Satan) must have heard my pleas because she just sits there and moans about how she hates her life. She even turns to Canaan and says, "Canaan, why do you hate me?" Oh. My. God. I don't advocate domestic violence at all, but at that point I wanted him to punch her. Oh come on, you know you did too.


Hours pass (no not really) and The Globetrotters arrive. The Holy Rollers now have 2 minutes to go down the slide and then, according to the rules, they have to step aside and let the other team go ahead. The Globetrotters are doing it for the Hood bitches and, let me tell you, they do the Hood proud. They proceed to taunt Mika and tell her to not go down the slide, that it's too high, that it's dangerous, that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. Canaan is literally seething while I'm at home clapping and spreading frosting on my chest. The Globetrotters have officially moved up a few notches on my list. I admire what they did up on that water slide and, as we all know, Mika didn't go down in her allotted 2 minutes and the Holy Rollers finally got eliminated.


OK let's get onto what we've been waiting for... Team Ass Burgers! Finally, those bitches found their way back from the brothels and made it to Elimination Station. Justin is bearded and probably hungover, but it's good to see him and Zev go out and experience new exotic tastes and flavors. I'll bet honest with you I completely tuned out the video as soon as the Holy Rollers showed up. I hate those bitches with a passion and I'm going to immediately unfollow them on Twitter as soon as I'm done posting this. Take that!


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