Monday, October 19, 2009

We Gotta Pahk Our Cah

Team Ass Burgers may be gone, but they are far from forgotten. I've come to the conclusion that Justin is really a voodoo priest responsible for all of the ills of the world. For instance, yesterday he shook his ratttle, spilled his bag of bones, and spit tequila all around his room causing that stupid football game to run over and my beloved Amazing Race to start late. Don't get me started on what happens when Voodoo Justin starts to chant and dance. 2 words: Richard Henne. So yeah Justin is bitter and he's evil and making fun of him is becoming a new past time. In an effort to mix things up this week I watched Elimination Station before sitting down to write this and I've discovered that all of my Cambodian predictions were right on the money. Team Ass Burgers is indeed hiding out in a Cambodian brothel enjoying the aromatic fumes of a well packed opium pipe. Dudes are so cozy and spent that they still haven't made it to the (most ghetto looking) resort destination. This week's eliminated team show up with Team Ass Burgers nowhere to be found. You'll find this week's Elimination Station at the end of the post.

Last night's episode begins where we left off: Sean Penn, Cambodia. The Gays (Sam/Dan) are the first to leave and they're instructed to fly to the Persian Gulf and find the world's tallest building. They didn't bat an eyelash at this clue and instantly took off for the airport. Now I'm a smart girl and I know that the Persian Gulf is a BODY OF WATER, but The Gays weren't phased at all by this. Those bitches were hell bent on getting to the airport and flying into a hostile gulf. Just as long as they're first, they could care less where the hell they're flying to. Anyhow the tallest building in the world is called the Burj Dubai and it's in, you guessed it, Dubai. Once they arrive at the building the teams will be instructed to take the elevator up to the 124th floor to get their next clue.

The Globetrotters and Team Zebra leave shortly after The Gays and the race is on. The Globetrotters head to an internet cafe while Team Zebra sit in their cab and talk about karma. Uh oh... my first instinct was, "They're making the 'Justin Mistake'!" Remember how last week Justin merely uttered the phrase "bad karma" and we all know where that got him. Drugged up and lost in a Southeast Asian brothel. Luckily, Ericka used her brain power to combat the karma curse and she immediately knew that the tallest building was in Dubai.

At the airport The Gays are kicking and screaming at a ticket counter that "The Persian Gulf isn't even a country!" Seriously? You just figured that shit out now? Team Zebra, being way too nice for their own good, actually tell The Gays that the building is in Dubai. I wouldn't have said a word to them. Lord Fauntleroy and Dorian Gray have been nothing but obnoxiously rude little bitches and you couldn't pay me to help them out, but then again I'm steeped in evil and dusted with bitch dust but I digress.

Team Douchebag (Lance/Keri) is now off and running and Fran Drescher is mumbling something about nothing "tearing them apaht". Girls with Boston accents are so unfortunate. The only woman with a New England-ish accent that was moderately charming was Little Edie. Anyone else simply reminds me of "Boston" from the last season of the Bad Girls Club and that bitch I wanted to cut and beat severely. Anyhow, Team Douchetastic is in the internet cafe arguing over whether or not the computer is slow. Keri insists the computer itself has a slow connection or something while Lance is convinced that it's the travel website that's slow. He thinks all the teams have hopped on at once and now it's over capacity or something. Aren't there like only 9 teams left? When have 9 people ever crashed a website? I'm siding with Lois Griffin on this one. It's the computer, not the site, that's slow.

Eventually, all teams figure out they need to get to Dubai and they all get on the same flight. When they land they have to race to a fountain and sign a sign-in sheet to go to the top of the Burj Dubai the next day. The teams will go up in 2 groups. The Poker Bitches (Maria/Tiffany) arrive first with The Gays right behind them. In the meantime, The Holy Rollers (Canaan/Mika), so devoutly Christian they won't even schtoop each other, are busy yelling at their cabby calling him an idiot for not knowing where the damn fountain is. That's it! They're officially on my list now. Anyone resembling those wretched Redheads from last season is immediately going to feel my wrath. That's how The Gays lost my love.

Another reason I hate the Holy Rollers is Mika. The next day they're all waiting at the base of the Burj Dubai and Mika is already crying. Apparently bitch is scared of heights and the mere sight of a tall building turns her into a blubbering baby. I wonder if she's ever been to Manhattan. My first response was, "What the hell is she doing on The Amazing Race?" And then I remember... oh yeah, she's a budding country star. Obviously, she was recruited with her songwriter non-boyfriend. Anyone who is a fan of the show knows that skydiving, bungee jumping, zipwiring, etc are all possibilities and at some point in the game something to do with heights is going to be a challenge.

OK so they need to go to the top of the building and get their clue where they'll be told to make their way to a parking structure, get a car, go to the Desert Conservation Reserve, and take an SUV to find the next clue. Teams also discover that there is an opportunity for a Fast Forward, the only Fast Forward of the game. To complete the Fast Forward a team will have to make their way to the Dubai Autodrome and complete a lap around the racetrack faster than 45 seconds. Cheyenne (Cheyne/Meghan) are the only ones who decide to do the Fast Forward. They successfully complete the task are driven in a Maserati to the next Pit Stop.

Everyone else races to the parking structure to retrieve their cars and, for some reason, Team DoucheyDouche decides to take a different route. Lance definitely suffers from douche-itis and it completely clouds his judgment and ability to reason. He, mistakenly, always thinks he's right and I'll bet you $100 he has an entire closet at home filled with Ed Hardy shirts - the official uniform of the Douche. Out on the road The Globetrotters turn right and The Holy Rollers turn left. One of them is going to be wrong and I found myself praying it was the Holy Rollers.

Team Zebra gets to the Road Block first and is instructed to find an urn buried in the sand filled with water. Once found they need to fill a traditional bag with water and deliver it to a Bedouin so he can feed his camels. I haven't seen many seasons of The Amazing Race, but isn't this challenge just like the one from the season with the Hippies? They, too, had to search the desert for something buried in the sand and deliver it to a nomad. WTF Amazing Race? Is your Challenge Master drunk and passed out somewhere? The only reason this show wins so many Emmy's is because of the logistics involved in taking an entire show on a fast paced race around the world. It's definitely not because of ingenuity. It's mobilizing a fleet of producers and camera operators that wins this show awards and nothing else.

Tiffany keeps coming up on empty urns while Karma Brian actually stumbles on one that's full. He crouches down to fill his bag so no one else will see him and then immediately marches back and proceeds to tell everyone where the urn was. Again, my first evil thought was, "Dump that urn out bitch!" I don't know why Brian, who's been running a pretty good race so far, continues to insist on helping everyone else. The day is going to come where he'll need help from someone like The Gays and you know those 2 won't give him the time of day let alone a helping hand. OK so maybe my idea to dump the urn wasn't the best, but marching back and telling everyone how to get to the next step is also not the brightest idea. Keep your head down, ignore the others, and run your own damn race.

Next teams have to drive to Ski Dubai to find their next clue. Just when I've gotten done shaking my head in disapproval at Brian what do you think he does? On the road to Ski Dubai he passes the Holy Rollers, who are hopelessly lost, on the road. He effing tells them how to get to the Desert Conservation Reserve! It's at this point when Vanessa Williams finally pipes up and say that Brian is way too nice. Vanessa has a pageant background and you better believe she knows how to stick hot chiles down a bathing suit and replace talcum powder with itching powder. I have a feeling she can go full on Whitney and cut a bitch if she needs to. Vanessa is gritting her teeth wondering why her hubby is too damn giving while Brian simply sits back and hums "Karma Kameleon" to himself. Since reality shows, at least the good ones, are ulitmately about life lessons the thought enters my mind that Team Zebra could actually be on their way to winning this whole thing. Is CBS setting us up to teach us the lesson that being nice to others is the way to go? I wouldn't be surprised if my powers of deduction are right and these two take home the million.

Back at the Conservation Reserve we get my favorite scene. Thanks to Brian, the Poker Bitches have their water and now they're in their car ready to head to Ski Dubai. Instead of going in reverse, Maria goes forward and runs right over a small metal stake in the ground completely puncturing her radiator. I mean, that shit is destroyed and it's leaking all over the place. Tiffany says, "That stake gave the tummy of the car a tickle and now it's bleeding radiator blood." I'm sorry, but that shit is funny. I'm definitely on the fence with these two. They're clearly not very good at this game and are bordering on being buffoons half the time, but you've got to hand it to them for coming up with some great lines. The best being Maria's response, "I have a good excuse. I'm an Asian female driver." LOL Again, funny. The Gays, uncharacteristically, insist on waiting with the Poker Bitches and I begin to think that The Gays are using the girls for nothing more than personality. All The Gays have to offer are temper tantrums and insults while the Poker Bitches, not entirely likable, at least have a sense of humor and deliver some good sound bytes.

At Ski Dubai, which looks cool as hell, the teams have to choose between building a snowman or finding a snowman. In building, they have to take snow outside in the heat and build a snowman before it melts. In finding, they have to sled down a hill and dig in a pile of snow to find teeny tiny snowmen. PinkyPa, lord knows where they came from, decide to find and they working on that pile of snow. Team Zebra, Globetrotters, Gays, and Poker Bitches aren't too far behind. Back in the desert Doucheytime and Holy Rollers are only now finding water. In the car to Ski Dubai, Mika says, "Isn't it weird how you can go 120 miles an hour here and it feels like you're going 60?" *punctures spleen with a rusty spike* Jerusalem corrects her and tells her that they're driving 120 kilometers an hour not 120 miles an hour. Let's analyze this further. Mika actually thought there was something in the Dubai air that makes going fast in a car seem not so fast. Wow. That's some fantasy shit right there. All that's missing are elves, flying dragons, and a witch handing out poison apples.

At Ski Dubai, Team Zebra finds their snowman and now The Gays are freaking out. It's obvious they won't finish this leg first (nevermind the fact that Cheyenne finished long ago) and they flip their bitch switches and begin to stomp and moan. The Poker Bitches and PinkyPa decide to build their snowman instead, but out of principle or something (maybe race) The Gays refuse to give up. For some reason they get it in their thick skulls that The Globetrotters will never find their snowman first so they keep digging. You can guess what happens next can't you? The Globetrotters find their snowman and The Gays are horrified. I'm just going to throw this out there... The Gays have some minor race issues. Haven't you noticed that they seem to throw over the top shit fits when someone black beats them at something? I'm not calling them racists per se, but I'm thinking that they definitely think they're better than African Americans. I could be completely wrong and I hope I am, but that's what I picked up at Ski Dubai. I'll keep an eye on them from here on out and see if my hunch is right.

At this point Lance and Keri are once again hopelessly lost and, to my utter shock, they're actually pretty cool about it. They're in their car laughing about how they've made stupid decisions and they're being self deprecating and somewhat likable. Of course I immediately remember Lance smashing urns in the desert and I smack myself upside the head for laughing with them instead of at them. Eventually they make it to Ski Dubai right behind the Holy Rollers. The Holy Rollers have chosen to build a snowman because, and I quote, Mika doesn't know how to sled. Ok go back and reread that last sentence. Yeah... she's doing idiot like no one else can do idiot and it's only going to get better with her I fear. Those scenes for next week with her in her water wings scared to go down a water slide... Gift. From. Heaven. Oh and Bethlehem trying to throw her ass down the slide? Dipped. In. Chocolate.

OK so Lance and Keri have finally finished their snowman and gotten approval to continue on to the Pit Stop. Do they race to their car and hightail it to the finish line? No. Instead Lance keeps asking the lady if he can punch his snowman before he leaves. She doesn't understand what the hell he's talking about, but he keeps asking her anyways over and over again. Keri is mortified and wants to get their elimination over with already so she can sign her douchey boyfriend up for some Anger Management classes. Finally, he gives up and leaves his poor helpless snowman intact. They're the last to arrive, obviously, and are eliminated from the race. It's about bloody time!

My first thought about this episode have to be regarding the challenges. Why do they suck so much this season? As I tweeted last night, so far my 2 yr old niece could do these challenges with no problems whatsoever. Where's the dangerous death defying balancing/climbing/jumping/swimming challenges? I'm a little sick of the imitating animals and building snowmen. What do you guys think? As far as teams go, I think I'm going to back Cheyenne (whom I've named after a dog I know FYI). Team Zebra isn't entirely unlikable, but Brian's goodness bothers me. I'm completely indifferent towards the Globetrotters and I can honestly say that I wouldn't mind the Poker Bitches staying around for a little longer. They make me laugh and, in the end, that's all I really care about.

Here's this week's episode of Elimination Station which totally sucks because Team Ass Burgers is too busy getting tattoos and trying heroin for the first time.

Please to enjoy: