Monday, October 12, 2009

We're Going To Sean Penn, Cambodia!

I awoke this morning to a cold grey day so I decided to take a stroll and clear my head. It was on my lonely early morning walk that I began to wonder things... strange things... odd things... Lala things. Like, would Sean Penn get mad and beat me up if I sent him my copies of Mystic River and Into The Wild? Is it too late for Angelina to return Maddox to Cambodia? Would it hurt this cute little squirrel on the path if I kicked it in the head? Is flying to California and shoving a hamburger up a certain fellow's ass the wrong way to express my anger? I never got any answers to my deep lingering questions... well, except for the squirrel one... so let's recap, shall we?

The race picks up where we last left off: Ho Chi Minh City formerly known as Saigon. That reminds me of Miss Saigon... what a crappy piece of trash that was. Just because you can land a helicopter on a stage doesn't mean it's a good idea, but I digress. The Globetrotters finished first in the last leg so now, after a mandatory rest period, they're the first to depart. They're instructed to head to Phnom Penh, Cambodia and are given $91 for this leg of the race. Once there they need to find the Foreign Correspondant's Club, find an editor, lick him sensually in his ear, and ask for the next assignment. Ok I'm sorry (no I'm not), but these challenges this season SUCK. We're 4 episodes in and we have yet to see someone jump off of a bridge or roll a wheel of cheese down a hill. By the end of this episode I'll be seriously wondering who slipped the "Challenge Master" copious amounts of Lithium.

Cheyenne (Cheyne/Meghan) depart second with Team Zebra (Brian/Ericka) not far behind. We get an intimate moment with Team Zebra where they make note of all the animal themed challenges thus far and now they're referring to themselves as Team Jungle Fever. Ugh... I almost called them that in my first blog, but I thought I'd offend someone. Yes, the girl who coined the phrase "Team Ass Burgers" and refers to a BB11 Houseguest as "The Ass Licker" actually thought the term "Jungle Fever" would piss someone off. What the hell was I thinking? OK so the Globetrotters get to the airport and they race to Vietnam Airlines to try to get tickets to Cambodia's capital city. Unfortunately, there are no flights leaving that night and they're told the first flight out is at 12:25 PM the next day. Boo hoo so sad for you.

Back at the last Pit Stop, Team Ass Burgers is now off and running. We're treated to an interview where Zev is telling us what a great friend Justin is. Uh duh... any guy who takes you to Vegas to get laid would be anyone's best friend. Seriously though, I'm watching this interview where Zev is being sweet and lovely and the first thought in my head was, "Oh shit. They're going home." I've watched enough reality tv to figure out the signs. Whenever a contestant/team is highlighted 2nd or 3rd from the top of the episode, 9 times out of 10 they're going home. Try my theory out on the next episode of America's Next Top Model. It never fails. Anyhow, Team Ass Burgers is in the cab trying to sound out the name to the Cambodian city when Zev announces, "We're going to Sean Penn Cambodia!" Yes Zev you are and do you know what Sean Penn is good at? Kicking the crap out of people, that's what!

So Team Ass Burgers are stuck in traffic and Justin kicks back and begins tweeting on his cell phone. In my mind he's asking his followers where the best brothel in Cambodia is, but in actuality he was probably voting for American Idol or something. Meanwhile Zev is hanging out the window yelling at people in other cars threatening to tell their mom's on them. Eventually they get to the airport and are greeted by the King Of All Douches, Lance. He says, "Our goal was to beat you here. You're now in last place." Zev and Justin look at each other, make a mental note to get all Sean Penn on his ass later, and proceed to try to get on the 12:25 flight. Unfortunately for them, the Holy Rollers (Canaan/Mika) got the last tickets and now Team Ass Burgers are forced to hang out with Team Douche (Lance/Keri).

The other teams are all getting ready to board the flight and they're thrilled Ass Burgers and Douchefest won't be joining them. Back at the terminal, Lance and Justin are accosting the airline lady (who conveniently recycled her SARS mask for Swine Flu season) begging her to get them onto the flight. I think Zev threatened her mother but I can't be too sure. That could have just been wishful thinking on my part. The next flight is 90 minutes later and that's precious time they don't have to spare. In the end, Ass Burgers and Doucheytime get on the flight and the playing field is once again leveled. Lance saunters onto the plane chanting, "No cheap wins bitches! No cheap wins!" Uhhh try "No Douche wins bitches!" instead. That's a chant I can get behind and support.

They arrive in Cambodia... or what I like to call Lara Croft country... and they hop into their taxis and race to the Foreign Correspondant's Club (FCC) to molest some phony spies. PinkyPa (Gary/Matt) get the best cab driver ever who announces "I like to drive fast!" The Gays (Sam/Dan) arrive at the clue first, with Cheyenne in 2nd, and Ass Burgers rounding out the Top 3. After they whisper into the dude's ear, they'll be given a photo of a woman who has a suite named after her at the Hotel Royal. To my complete and utter shock, The Gays have no idea that the woman in the photo is Jackie Kennedy. Are you kidding me? What gay doesn't know Jackie? Ass Burgers has no idea who she is either and I'm wondering how big the rock is all these people are living under.

Back at the FCC Canaan keeps whispering, "Can I have my next task? Can I have my next task?" Uh no bitch, you can't have your next task because what you're in search of is an assignment not a task. Eventually he figures out his mistake, but not before whimpering a little bit. Team Ass Burgers are in their cab making a life long friend with their cabby Terry (it's probably spelled totally different, but for the sake of this post, he's Terry). Eventually, Zev figures out it's Jackie Kennedy in the photo and, lucky for them, Terry knows the exact hotel she helped make famous. Ass Burgers are in great shape. Nothing can stop them now. Nothing incredibly stupid and careless can possibly stand in their way. They're golden. No one can call them Dead Men Walking. They're Sweet And Lowdown and Before Night Falls they're sure to be winners. Oh and how lucky is it that Terry speaks Engrish well? It's not like they need an Interpreter at all. Kick the cab in Cruise Control Terry. This State Of Grace can never end.

Back inside his closet, Canaan is convinced the woman in the photo is Queen Elizabeth while brainiac Mika thinks whoever it is is of Asian descent. Little Edie would have kicked your ass for that remark Mika. She was a Bouvier for chrissake! Ass Burgers are the first to arrive at the Hotel Royal and they receive the next clue. The next Detour is Cover or Wrap. In Cover, teams have to locate a helmet stand, choose 4 helmets, and sell them to a fmaily of 4 for $10. In Wrap, teams have to go to a Russian Market, find stalls 980 & 981 to receive a silk scarf, then search the corridors for a woman wearing the matching scarf. Ass Burgers jump into their cab, tell Terry where they need to go, and Justin promises to name his 8th child after Terry if he gets them to the next destination quickly (Note: his 3rd, 5th, and 7th children will all be named Lala). While Justin is busy procreating in his mind, he wonders aloud if karma will come back and bite him in the ass. *throws hands in air* Don't you know that if you don't worry about bad karma, it doesn't exist! It's like when you have a one night stand with someone who's name you never got... it doesn't count!

Ass Burgers, Gays, Cheyenne, Globetrotters, and Holy Rollers all choose to do Wrap. Ass Burgers grab Terry (after Zev threatened his mother) and make him help find the woman in the matching scarf. Terry is all excited and totally into it and I wonder briefly if we can kick Lance off the show and watch Terry instead. Speaking of all things douchetastic, Lance and Keri decide to sell helmets while the Poker Bitches (Maria/Tiffany) think $10 is way too much to the average Cambodian family and decide to go with Wrap instead. Ass Burgers finally find their lady in purple, yank her into their party, skip through Cambodia hand in hand without a care in the world, and are the first to arrive at their next Road Block, Who's Ready To Go Bananas? One person has to dress up like a monkey and complete 3 monkey maneuvers as taught to them by the Monkey Master. Seriously? This is the best challenge they can come up with for Cambodia? Lame!

Justin announces that since Zev should be in a tail and mask at all times, he'd be perfect for the monkey maneuvers. Zev promptly kicks Justin in the bananas and proceeds to quickly complete the first two maneuvers. Back in Doucheville, Lance and Keri are trying to sell their helmets and all I can hear is Keri, in that Fran Drescher voice of hers screeching, "Helmets! Helmets!" Dear god someone needs to shoot her with a tranquilizer gun. Seriously, this bitch is scaring the natives. Over at the Russian Market Cheyenne is having a hard time locating their scarved woman (Where's Kevin - BB11 - when you need him?) while Team Zebra literally finds their chick in 1 second. The Globetrotters recruited 2 gals from PA to help them and when they finally spot their scarved lady she turns and runs from them. LOL

Over in Monkey Land, Zev is having trouble with his last maneuver where he has to have his hand and feet in contact with the balance beam at the same time. Justin, anxious to finish up this leg and get to the brothel already, is antsy and fidgety trying to help Zev out. Zev whips out a photo of Justin's mother, punches it, puts it back into his pocket and promptly falls over into a giant heap. The other teams begin to arrive at this point and Justin starts freaking out. Zev announces he has no energy so he curls up into a ball, sucks his thumb, and settles in for a nice nap. Justin isn't having it and tells Zev to get his monkey ass up, stop panicking, and focus. Zev doesn't like it when Justin tells him to calm down, but then he remembers their trip to Vegas, realizes Justin has the best of intentions, and he knocks that last monkey maneuver out of the park. They're told to proceed to next Pit Stop, Wang Chung (not really) a big Buddhist shrine, where the last team to arrive could be eliminated.

Ass Burgers have a huge lead now. Nothing could possibly go wrong. There's no reason on Earth why a scene like this could be in their very near future:

Team Douchetastic is at this point accosting innocent Cambodians forcing helmets on all their heads while the Holy Rollers are still lost in the Russian Market wondering if they're really in Russia. At the Monkey Road Block, Vanessa Williams masterfully pulls off the maneuvers and now it's a race to see which of the top 3 teams will finish first. The Gays are in their taxi bitching about getting the slowest cabby on the planet. I hate these guys. I really do. They're this season's Redheads and I have yet to find anything redeeming about them. If, ohhh I don't know, after this episode I'm on the hunt for a new team to root for you can be sure it won't be The Gays. Conversely, over in the Ass Burgers cab Zev is busy pulling monkey faces while Justin is kicking back laughing hoping the prize for finishing first is another trip to the Bunny Ranch.

All the other teams are now finishing up the scarf challenge and even Team DoucheyDouche manages to sell their damn helmets, but only after Fran demands the frightened Cambodian family puts them on and models the hats for her. They oblige her, hop on their moped, and race out of there lightening quick.

At Wang Chung Phil is waiting there with his ill fitting pants, when Zev and Justin come sauntering up. Congratulations Zev and Justin, you're the first team to arrive. Oh joyous day! High fives for everyone! Justin whispers to the hot Cambodian chick at the Pit Stop and sets up Zev's date for the night. It's all bliss and sunshine. Nobody even notices the fact that Phil hasn't announced a first place prize. Oh and there's something else no one notices... Team Ass Burgers just also happen to be sans passport. They go off to search their fanny packs while the other teams begin to arrive. The Gays arrive second and are thoroughly pissed. They should have been first dammit! It's their cabby's fault, not theirs!

Ass Burgers come to the conclusion that their passport is gone and they get ready to make the long trek back to Phil (about 5 yards) to tell him what's up. They're both looking at the ground, kicking stones, bottom lips trembling. They give Phil the bad news and Phil says, "You do not have your travel documents. Unless you find those documents you'll be out of the race." He then asks them if they've checked their backpacks. Ass Burgers looks up and says no. No?!? Check that shit homeys! Look, Team Ass Burgers is my favorite team. Quite possibly my most favorite team ever on The Amazing Race, but this relaxed calm demeanor bullshit is pissing me off. Get angry, get frantic, get going! Run your asses to everywhere you've been and do it right quick. Phil must have heard my cries because he tells them to go back on the race course and try to find that passport.

OK so I'm gonna be honest here... my first instinct was Terry. Terry took the passport and sold it on the black market. That dude was just way too nice right? He must have been up to something. I know, I know... I'm suspicious of everyone. You get a few psychotic Twitter followers and it turns you into a paranoid freak. Online my motto is: Don't trust anyone. In Cambodia, my motto now is: Trust Terry. Terry had nothing to do with the missing passport. He's a genuinely nice guy who was probably totally bummed that his new American friends were gonna lose their race around the world. I'm sorry I doubted you Terry. You did nothing wrong. It was that butthead Justin. :P As far as I'm concerned, he sealed his fate when he asked that question about karma way back when. I don't know many things, but what I do can be boiled down to this: Never tease a drunken leprechaun, sneakers with jeans isn't a good look for anyone, and never ever ever question karma, fate, or destiny out loud where they can hear you.

So Team Ass Burgers call up St. Terry and it's simply heartbreaking watching them in the cab. At this point all of the other teams are finishing up and they know they have no chance in hell of staying in the race. Precious ponies around the world began to hang their heads low and cry. Glitter refused to sparkle. Fairies plummeted to the Earth. If I had a heart, I swear I would have cried. In their final interview, Justin is blaming himself and Zev is saying it's not his fault at all. They have no choice but to accept their fate and make their way up the temple steps back to Phil. Justin turns to Zev and says, "Whatever happens, I love you man." Zev replies, "I love you too." The scene totally called for a big sweeping Aerosmith rock ballad or something.

At home we all did a collective "Awwwwwwwww...", but one man had a different reaction. The one man I ultimately blame for this travesty...

I think we've all learned a valuable lesson after last night's episode. Friendship is much stronger than any label anyone can put on us and never ever ever say the name Sean Penn in vain.

Seriously though, Team Ass Burgers were great fun to watch and will be sorely missed. What was most endearing about them wasn't Zev's triumph over his diagnosis. Quite honestly, Zev never seemed disabled or handicapped in any way. What we loved watching was their pure joy in being where they were, their respect for one another, and their ability to have fun wherever they are. My hat's off to you Zev and Justin. You've made this black hearted bitch turn a little bit softer. I wish both of you nothing but the best in whatever you do and if you want to live to see your grandchildren never mention Sean Penn's name again!

You know what this means, don't you? It means that The Gays are now actually in first place and the Poker Bitches, who would have gone home, are now safe. My big question is: Who do I root for now? The Globetrotters are ok, but they're kind of boring. The Holy Rollers and Team Douche are definitely out of the question. I'm kind of liking Cheyenne I guess. They have some good one-liners and they seem pretty nice. I don't know. I'm too bummed to think about it now. What do you guys think? Who will you be rooting for?

Oh and the big question on everyone's mind is, obviously, where the hell was the passport? It turns out it fell out of Justin's pocket when he mistakenly wandered into a dark temple while looking for the monkey challenge. You can hear him recap the whole tale in this week's Elimination Station. Also take note of Marcy... how drugged up does she look in this video and why does she look like she's melting?

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