Monday, October 5, 2009

Triangle Hats Are All The Rage


I woke up this morning planning my next vacay to Vietnam. Any country that has mud islands, cement animals, water spewing dragons, and funny hats is a country I've got to visit! I also heard Anthony Bourdain wants to live there for a year and if it's good enough for Bourdain, it's good enough for me. I'm imagining all the late night conversations we'll have at a Hanoi strip club where we'll discuss Johnny Ramone's conservative politics, Rachel Ray's horrifying cookbooks, and the quickest way to get drunk on rice wine. We'll sit side by side at an open air food market with animal entrails sizzling all around us. He'll write his great Vietnamese novel and I'll write a blog about how triangular shaped hats deserve their own reality show. The Travel Channel will start a show about us called The Two Bitches and it'll be a huge hit. Seriously, how could it not be? Two snarky condescending rocker types making fun of people and getting drunk all the time. TV gold, baby.


OK so last night was Episode 2 of The Amazing Race. All of the teams are still stuck in Vietnam, much to Lance's dismay, and the show begins with everyone being whisked away on a Riverboat to destinations unknown. Unfortunately this Riverboat wasn't one of those casino boats. I would have loved to have seen the Poker Bitches sweat and scratch themselves from the lure of a fresh novice poker table, but thats besides the point. The Riverboat was headed to the city of Mito where the teams would have to make their way to Ho Cho Minh city and search for the Water Dragon Puppet Theater for their next clue. PinkyPa (Gary/Matt) are the first to depart, but it was The Gays (Sam/Dan) who caught my attention. When did they become such little bitch boys complaining and whining about everything? Right out of the gate last night they whinged and stomped their feet making me delete all my Bravo shows saved on TiVo. Did something happen from the end of the last episode to the beginning of this episode to turn them into completely unlikable annoying little bitches? Did Sam steal Dans hair product or something? Don't they know Cheyne's got enough product to last them til the end of the season? Quite your bitching boys and get back to being charming ASAP!


The Globetrotters are next to leave and we discover that Big Easy's dad just passed away before the race started. While that's sad and all that, what does that have anything to do the race? I know these personal stories are supposed to make us like them more, but I kind of look at it as extra info I just don't have time for. All I care about is the clawing, backstabbing, and idiotic mistakes that makes this show great. Sappy backstories don't interest me unless they're filled with drama and wretched behavior... much like the story I'm about to tell now about the Poker Bitches.


Nice segue right? OK so my little brother is a hardcore poker player and I asked him if he has ever heard of Maria Ho *giggles at Ho* and Tiffany Michelle. Indeed he had! He doesn't mind Maria Ho, but at the mere mention of Tiffany's name he wrinkled his face in disgust and began to spew venom (a trait he totally gets from me btw). Apparently, at some ginormous World Series Poker get together Tiffany called a time check on an opponent for taking too long with his hand. The pot was for like 9 million dollars or something and the bitch wasn't even involved in the hand. She had already folded. Anyhow, she called the clock which is allowed, but just not done because it's a total dick move and now everyone in the poker community loathes her. As you all know I love a good scandal so I looked into Ms. Tiffany Michelle a little more and, let me tell you, this bitch is HATED. That clock calling thing is only the tip of the iceberg. Her endorsement deals are also heavy with scandal. If you're interested in learning a little more about it, check out this site: http://www.thewsopblog.com/blog/tiffany-michelle-and-the-world-series-of-poker.html


Back to the race, Leri (Lance/Keri) aren't even half way out of the gate when Lance starts foaming at the mouth about being a lion or some shit like that. He tells us, "We're the lions. Some of these teams are running like gazelles. We're gonna take them down!" Because I'm completely hell bent on proving Lance wrong in any capacity whatsoever I looked up how fast gazelles and lions run. Well, score 1 for Lance because they both run about 50 miles an hour and I'm thinking out of the two a lion most certainly has the advantage. Ok Lance I may not have been able to make you look like a fool just then, but I'm ok with that because all I needed to do was watch the rest of the episode. You made yourself look like an ass more than I ever could so thank you. I think Lance and Garrett (douche who got eliminated last week) should get together and go bowling.


OK so while Lance is busy cursing his small penis, Osteoperosis Ophelia is losing her shit over being in Vietnam where her dad was shot down in a plane. He lived, but she hasn't had her progesterone so the tears they are a flowin'. Again, too much info I don't care about. The teams easily enough find their cabs and head on over to the Puppet Theatre save The Gays. They're too busy slapping each other in the face with their gloves to find a cab and they're left milling about the busy Vietnamese streets lost and confused.


Lance lovingly calls Vietnam "Mars" and Boniva Betty is insisting through tears that she's having a good time. The complete and utter ridiculousness of this early on nutty behavior is totally tickling my no-no and I rip off my Team Ass Burgers shirt (available now at my Zazzle Store!) to dance topless to the pulsating music. Pinky calls the streets of Vietnam "organized chaos" and I can't help but think how much nicer that is than "Mars". The Globetrotters get to the Puppet Theatre first and have a hard time retrieving a bullet out of the water dragon's mouth. A bullet? Seriously? Are they purposely trying to give Depends Diana a mental breakdown? Anyhow, inside the bullet is a stamp with a picture of the Ho Chi Minh City Post Office on it which is the site of the next clue. The Trotters take off in a cab, but Pinky is convinced he doesn't have enough money to spare so he grabs his elderly father and makes him run the kilometer to the Post Office.


Back at the Puppet Theatre, Team Ass Burgers has arrived. Remember how Zev was the Duck Whisperer? Well, it turns out that Justin is the Dragon Whisperer. He snatches that bullet out of the Dragon's mouth and hightails it to the next location. Once at the Post Office the teams encounter a Road Block. Child's Play or Word Play. In Child's Play they have to cart a cement animal along a bumpy road while gathering balloons. In Word Play, they have to spot and unscramble Vietnamese letter from the roof of a hotel and spell the Vietnamese word for "independence". The Trotters pick Child's Play and select a sheep because it's low to the ground and probably easier to maneuver. Good thinking boys.


Meanwhile PinkyPa is discovering that it doesn't pay to be so damned cheap because it turns out that the Post Office was much farther away than they originally thought. Pinky begrudgingly admits he should have listened to his father and his dad is too busy trying not to, you know, die from the heat and the running that he just nods and wheezes in response. Back over at the Theatre Cheyenne (Cheyne/Megan) has arrived and Cheyne somehow comes to the conclusion that pretending to swim and approaching in a low crouching stance is the best way to slay the dragon. I wonder if his hair told him to do that. Anyhow it works and and Cheyenne takes off for the Post Office.


The Holy Rollers (Canaan/Mika) are up next at the Dragon and not two seconds after Canaan tweeted about not getting enough air time, he's shown dancing like a desperate in the closet songwriter. Mika dances too and shortly thereafter tweets about wanting to be on Dancing With The Stars. I'm sorry (no I'm not), but I can't stand these two. It's so blatanly obvious that they're on this show just to advance their careers and that drives me nuts. Lucky for them Lance approaches and completely steals the Douchebag Of The Night honors away from Canaan. Leri slayed the dragon, but are completely unaware that their next clue is in the bullet they just retrieved. They accost an innocent Vietnamese man shaking him demanding to know where the next clue is. The man, fabulously clad in purple, just stares wide-eyed and fears for his life. Lance starts screaming, "Where's the clue?! Where's the clue?!" and I say to no one in particular, "It's in your hands you raving lunatic." They finally figure it out and I begin to secretly hope that Lance's bandana is slowly cutting off his arm circulation making it fall off before they reach the next destination. Oh come on... you know you were thinking the same thing. ;)


Almost all the teams chose to do Child's Play except for The Old People. Ron turns to Marcy and says "You're good with words" and, again to no one, I say, "Yeah but is she good at VIETNAMESE words?" So off they go to their rooftop where to them it's just another leisurely Sunday doing the crossword or something. Time is never of any consequence to these two and I immediately begin to wonder if Marcy, Queen Of The Words, understands the meaning of the word "Race". Let's leave them to flounder for a little while and head back to the cement animals. The Trotters have finished at this point are then instructed to head to the busy intersection of Dien Co 008 to find their next clue.


Almost all the teams are picking light low to the ground animals because, you know, that makes sense. Team Ass Burgers chooses a giant giraffe to cart around and I immediately blame Justin for the mistake *winks at Justin*. Justin loads up the giraffe and begins hightailing through the bumpy streets leaving Zev in the dust trying to catch up. Zev shouts, "Stop! It's tipping!", but Justin must have been listening to his iPod or something cuz he just continues to run run run! In the meantime The Poker Bitches have a broken dolly and The Gays stop to help them. In a moment of shocking humanity, The Poker Bitches thank The Gays but tell them to go on without them. Well, that moment in time must have thrown the planet off it's axis because Ass Burgers' giraffe tips over and it's head shatters into a million tiny pieces. It was totally Zev's fault, but I know Justin is reading this so again, I'll blame him.


Zev was literally holding the giraffe with one finger, but Justin was still jamming to some Lady Gaga on his iPod and he totally made Zev's finger slip and drop the giraffe. Damn you Justin! Luckily my non hate is short lived and we're blessed with an Ass Burgers interview. Zev sits there totally serious clad in a triangular Vietnamese hat while Justin looks at him sideways like he's nuts. Oh ok... I forgive you Justin for choosing the giraffe. I can't stay mad at you. Giving a man in a triangle hat a nutty sideways glance is the way back into my heart (well that and leprechaun porn but that's neither here nor there).


The Willis' (Ericka/Brian) arrive and I'm forced to change their name to Team Zebra. They choose to cart around the zebra because "it works really well" for them and I began to hum "Ebony and Ivory". It's a lovely scene that makes us all laugh, but unfortunately it ends too quickly and we're treated to a nauseating little make out session with Cheyenne commenting on how their sweat tastes. *gags* You'll have to excuse me while I pluck my eyeballs out and eat them before they witness any more horror. That was just disgusting and I'm actually thankful we cut to a scene of The Old People getting their last letter.


The peaceful scene of The Old People lazily taking a Vietnamese stroll is interrupted by a douche in a china shop. Lance has arrived at the cement animal garden and he comes barrelling in knocking over any and all innocent Vietnamese women in his way and angrily yanking an animal onto his dolly. That small penis thing must really be troublesome for him! Thankfully, we're shown The Trotters arriving at their next Road Block, "Who's Ready For A Breakdown?" Well I immediately begin thinking how unfair it is because clearly Lance is already in the throes of a massive breakdown. Before I can compose a scathing letter to Bertram Van Emmy, I'm informed that the teams will have to breakdown a VCR not have a breakdown. Oh ok. I guess I can allow that.


Cheyne dives into his VCR and asks Meghan, "Do I look sexy doing this baby?" Normally, I'd throw up in my mouth a little, but actually I'm pleased for the comic relief. Cheyne is delivering some good one liners and I move him and Meghan a little higher up on my list of Teams I Can Tolerate. PinkyPa arrives shortly thereafter and Pinky had no problem breaking down a VCR. Apparently, he breaks down electronic equipment all the time and I instantly envision his father coming home to find his phone, camera, and tv's all spread on the floor in teeny tiny little pieces. Seriously though, isn't taking apart electronic equipment something Meth Heads do? I could have sworn I saw an episode of CSI: Miami where they went into some house to find all the electronics dismantled and they immediately knew they were dealing with Meth addicts. Pinky looks a little chunky to be a tweaker, but I'm sure Mr. Ganja is a close personal friend of his so I chuckled at the fact that his past drug history is helping him out in this game and I pour another glass of gin.


Back at the nursing home, Bran Muffin Babs is busy unscrambling her Vietnamese letters into English words. Oh dear. This can't end well. They spell "Oldcap" and are informed they're incorrect. Maybe they thought oldcap was the name of the triangular hat that Zev looked so fetching in. Who knows? After finally asking a local to help them, they correctly spell their word and proceed on to the VCR challenge.


Cheyne must have started something with his all his sexy talk cuz now the Poker Bitches have arrived and Tiffany is all hot and bothered thinking her drill is a vibrator. She squeezes the button and squeals in delight. Maria was probably totally thinking, "Look bitch, get off later... take apart the damn machine already!" While Tiffany is busy not scratching that itch, Lance arrives and decides he doesn't need a drill at all. He'll tear the VCR apart with his bare hands. He'll prove to everyone he doesn't have a tiny penis come hell or high water! He claims using his hands was "the man thing to do" but I think we all know he had no idea how to work that drill.


Ass Burgers finishes their VCR's about the same time Leri does and they both fight for a cab that Ass Burgers had already (wisely) reserved. Lance smacks Keri around a little for not thinking of doing that too (no not really) and he complains that since he finished right before Ass Burgers he should get the back. Oh pipe down Chachi! The Old People have finally finished up their picnic and shopping so they decide to join the race again and take apart of VCR. Wilford Brimley announces he's handy and gets to work with the drill.


Over at the finish line all the teams are now arriving. The Trotters finish first with Cheyenne in a close second. The Trotters win a trip for two to Aruba and Cheyne promptly stabs Meghan in the heart for not running fast enough. PinkyPa, Team Zebra, and The Gays round out the Top 5 with Poker Bitches and Holy Rollers finishing in 6th and 7th respectively. Ass Burgers is stuck in a cab and Zev yells for Justin to tell the cabbie that they're in a race. LOL Leri and their inner demons actually manage to beat Ass Burgers to the finish line and I get my favorite moment in the entire episode.


Phil, with a death wish or something, says to Lance, "The lion is still alive, but it looks like the gazelles and zebras are faster than you." Oh snap! Lance replies, "Want me to kick your ass right here?" Double snap! Phil cowers and sucks his thumb while Zev steps up and says he'll totally take Lance down. Haha! I love you Zev. You're my hero. I was totally envisioning Justin switching from Lady Gaga to "Eye Of The Tiger" at that moment. A Leri/Ass Burgers showdown is so up my alley. Oh! And how heavenly would it be if Team Ass Burgers wore triangular hats while getting medieval on Lance's ass?


Eventually The Old People make their way to the finish line, but not before buying some post cards and writing letters to all 50 of their relatives. Anyhow, they're in last place and have been eliminated from the race and I'm relieved. They were dead weight and Marcy is just way too emotional to continue on.


OK so who are you guys liking after this episode? Do Team Ass Burgers still have a special place in your heart? Are you also hoping Lance's arm falls off soon? What other teams are you loving/hating? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


UPDATED:

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