Dun dun... dun dun DUN dun dun dun... that's my imitation of The Amazing Race theme song and it's probably the most exciting thing that happened during last night's 2 hour premiere. I'm a big fan of the show, but only when it's already about 4 weeks in. There are too many teams, too many locations, and too many bitch fights to cover in such a small amount of time in the first few episodes that I can't help but feel like I'm being cheated and that's a feeling I make a point to avoid at all costs. I don't know what came over me when I said I'd recap this show. I'm thinking I was on my back with my stilettos up in the air in a gin haze when I came up with the idea. Anyhow, I'm thinking some embellishments and some not so politically correct commentary are in order to spice up what went down last night. Times a wastin'. I've got opium to smoke, bras to order, a proper headband to find for tonight's episode of Gossip Girl, and a leprechaun to molest. Let's recap, shall we?
The opening scene takes place deep in the bowels of the L.A. River. Now having grown up in California I'm very familiar with this location... at least I think I am. Maybe what I'm remembering is that episode of Charm School where they had to clean up the river or Olivia Newton John watching Danny Zuko race against the Crater Face. I'm not sure, but it brings back fond memories nonetheless. So we're in the polluted river with our 12 excited teams dying to get a million stamps in their passports when Phil Keough, the bastard, informs them that one team won't even get to leave American soil. My first thought? Oh how devilish! My second thought? Please don't let it be the Feathered Yoga Teachers!
Initiate the dramatic sweeping helicopter shot I love and then... GO! The teams run to a chain linked fence to retrieve a license plate from the Shinagawa District in Tokyo, their first destination. Once they find the proper license plate they have to drive themselves to LAX and hop a flight to Tokyo. In frantic desperation, the teams are willy nilly grabbing any plates with Asian symbols and presenting them to Phil (I don't have a clever nickname for him yet.). Phil tells them all, "Sorry, that's not correct." Souls crushed, egos shattered they go back to the wall to try again. Finally, the Poker Bitches (Maria/Tiffany) get the right plate and they're off. The Old People (Marcy/Ron) are in a close second and Cheyenne (What I'm calling the team of Cheyne/Meghan... *winks to Judi*) round out the top three. In their cars they exclaim, "We're going to Tokyo!" and the race is on.
The Poker Bitches, the Old People, Cheyenne, the Globetrotters, PinkyPa (Gary/Matt), and Ass Burgers (Zev/Justin) all get on the first flight. The rest are still back at the river hating life. Eventually, they all begin to find the right plate and we're left with Feathered Yoga (Eric/Lisa) and Leri (Lance/Keri). The music is thumping, the last two teams are freaking out, my heart is pounding, I wash some Xanax down with gin, and cover my eyes with my hands. I know what's coming. I can feel it in my nether regions... that all too familiar twitching when I know I'm not going to get my way. Lo and behold, useless Leri finds their plate and Feathered Yoga are told to hit the high road and hoof it back to wherever it is they came from. Nooooo! They promised nudity and sex! They deserve to stay in the game PHIL! I wanted a pot of gold from those two Feathered lovelies and all I got was a pot of shit. Damn you Phil! Don't you know this kind of disappointment could drive them to drink again?
At this point, I'm dying to change the channel and be done with it all to be quite honest, but then I hear a phrase that's wrapped in cashmere and peppered with angel dust. The Poker Bitches are telling everyone they work with homeless people and I think to myself, "Hey, this show might be not be so bad after all." I love it when lies are told and I love it even more when lies are discovered and exploited. Anyhow, the teams are told that once they arrive in Tokyo, they need to go to Tokyo Tower Studios, find the box at the base of the tower, and get their next clue. For god knows what reason, the Poker Bitches are already bickering and I quickly begin to think I've made a horrible mistake deciding to root for them.
The second flight ends up arriving in Tokyo a half hour early and all the teams are pretty much neck in neck on their way to a Japanese television studio. Once inside they discover it's a Japanese game show and I immediately begin to hope someone gets punched in the balls or attacked with sling shots. No dice. It's a Wasabi Bomb eating contest where they have 2 minutes to eat a sushi roll stuffed with wasabi. To me, this sounds like heaven. I have a personal relationship with wasabi that some may call "unhealthy". When I eat it, it shoots up to my brain and sends a signal to my body that makes me tingle and collapse in ecstasy. I fucking love it. You'd think I was eating black tar heroin or something, but I'm not kidding when I tell you wasabi is like a drug to me. I slather that shit all over sushi, eat it, and then sit in the restaurant with a disturbingly content look on my face. My friends think I'm nuts and fear a Meg Ryan When Harry Met Sally scene will ensue at any moment. Needless to say, my invitations to sushi are now far and few between.
The audience is decked out in colorful visors and the host announces, "Are you ready to pray Sushi Rourette?!" Cheyne dances like he has to tinkle when he eats his bomb and Old Man River inhales that shit like it's a Centrum Silver laced with PCP. When they finish their Bombs they're instructed to match their flag with the same color visors in the audience. They have to lead a group of 20 Japanese citizens through a busy traffic crossing ending up at a shrine which is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race. The last team to arrive may be eliminated.
Cheyenne are asking everyone and anyone in the bustling Japanese metropolis how the hell to get to the shrine while the Old Lady is busy running a pep rally with her team. I used to like her, but not anymore. Bitch is annoying and hamming it up for the cameras and I suddenly find myself wishing she falls and breaks a hip. Cheyne, with his There's Something About Mary hair, is busy accosting people in the streets demanding directions while Metamucil Mary is taking a leisurely stroll pausing to look at maps. Time is of no consequence to her. Hell, she just might stop for tea and shop for that kimono she's always wanted. Maybe she'll head to Kyoto and catch a Geisha show while she's in town as well. She's bleeding slow and my heart is set to "super anxious" at this point so I have no time for stragglers.
Back at Sushi Rourette Justin inhales his Bomb and Zev calls him a "fat cow". That's all it took. I'm now officially on the Ass Burgers team. I heart these two. Zev is blunt and sarcastic and I'm thinking I'll send him an Edible Bouquet when the show is over. In the meantime, the Poker Bitch Maria fails to eat her Bomb in the allotted time and is forced to eat another one immediately. She bitches and moans and I cancel my subscription to Full Tilt. Maria manages to get the second Bomb down with 1 second left on the clock and they're off to bicker and bitch on the streets of Tokyo. Cheyenne make it to the pit stop and win a trip to Aspen and Vail. Uhh Aspen and Vail are like a stone's throw away from each other. Oh well... Ass Burgers arrive second and they're thrilled. Their interviews are extremely reminiscent of Kevin (BB11) in his DR's and I begin to wonder if walking around in a Team Ass Burgers shirt will offend anyone.
The Willis' (Ericka/Brian - interracial couple named after the couple in The Jeffersons) and The Gays (Sam/Dan) are the last two teams left at Sushi Rourette. The Gays swallow their Bomb (tee hee) and The Willis' follow close behind. Vanilla Ice immediately finds a Engrish speaking Japanese person to help him and he's convinced the guy is an angel. Over on the team I stupidly called "The Team To Beat" (Garrett/Jessica) a Japanese woman is grabbing her crotch saying she has to pee. Garrett looks like he wants to punch her in the groin and Jessica begrudgingly pushes the woman into a restaurant bathroom to do her business. Please tell me I'm not the only one who hoped the woman had a nasty case of the runs and would be locked up in there for hours. No? Only me? Figures.
The Willis' and their Angel cruise to the shrine and go from being dead last to #6. The Poker Bitches lose two of their women and begin to yell at each other. The poor lost souls are standing in the middle of traffic getting accosted by Mole People and selling their bodies for heroin. It doesn't take long to join an underground Japanese prostitution ring in my twisted mind. With Rorita and Lhonda turning tricks with their visors on, Maria and Tiffany weep and shake and tiptoe up to the Pit Stop. Phil looks at them and tells them they're the last team to arrive and wouldn't it suck if this was an elimination round? Yay! The Poker Bitches live to see another leg. I may not be fans of them, but I find their lies and bitching to be intoxicating so I don't mind if they stick around for a while. They encur a 2 hour delay and are told they'll have a Speed Bump in the next round. On to hour two...
Cheyenne, having been the first to arrive, are now the first to depart. They rip open their clue to find out they're off to Vietnam. Teams have to fly to Vietnam, take a 2 hour bus ride to a rural village, race on foot to a boat dock, and search for their next clue. Not wanting to waste any time, Cheyenne hops into a cab and heads straight to the airport. Ass Burgers get their clue next and decide to go back to the hotel to check the internet for a flight. They're all given $444 for this leg of the race and almost every team decide to check the internet before leaving for the airport. The Willis' hop right into a cab and think that everyone else is too stupid to see the cabs sitting out front waiting for them. Oh pipe down Vanessa Williams! You're bugging me.
It's at this point where we get a Holy Rollers (Mika/Canaan) interview. Canaan tells us that he's sexually pure with Mika because of his faith. Uh no Canaan. You're sexually pure with Mika because you're gay. Just come out and get it over with. We're all here to support you. Actually, that's a lie. I find Canaan to be a complete tool I wouldn't support him at all. Well, if he came out and became a Dolly Parton drag queen I might support him, but that's the only way. Cut to the airport where The Willis' are trying to make a deal. They want to pay for Economy, but they want to sit in Business Class. That's the only way to fly in my mind so I can't knock them for that. The Poker Bitches interrupt the deal making and manage to jump onto their flight completely pissing off Vanessa Williams. Her pageant persona kicks in though and she manages to get 8 tickets for her fellow players all on the same flight.
Lawyer Douchebag Lance is busy bitching to anyone who'll listen that the Poker Bitches "bastards should have been sent home". I mean, how dare The Amazing Race set their own rules and have a nonelimination round present like they have IN THE PAST 14 SEASONS! It's at this point that I hate Lance and everything he stands for. I want to take that bandana tied around his bicep and choke him violently with it. The Poker Bitches saunter through the airport gloating over the fact that they have their tickets already and everyone waiting on line becomes furious. Somehow someone knows they're really poker players and the cat is out of the bag. Word reaches The Gays and they are pissed! They helped the Poker Bitches in the last leg and were looking to deceive them by claiming to be straight. How dare the Poker Bitches lie to them first! It's on now bitches.
Everyone hops into minivans and head through the torrential Vietnamese downpour flooding the streets. Zev frets over getting his shoes wet and The Gays are chanting "poker poker poker" to the clueless Poker Bitches. All the leading teams arrive at the first bus and hit the road. PinkyPa sees the first bus leaving and begin to throw a hissy fit. They thought they were on the first bus (as did all of the other 2nd bus teams) and now the whole bus is freaking out because they have an hour to wait for departure. The teams decide to each throw in $100 to bribe the driver to leave earlier. I'm actually stunned that their little plan works and after loading a chicken into the belly of the bus, they're off. Kind hearted Zev gives his jacket to a tiny Vietnamese man about to get blown out of the open bus door and I make a mental note to dip half the Edible Bouquet in chocolate.
Over in Bitchville, the Poker Bitches are expressing their disdain for Ass Burgers while Lance is complaining about being wet. He declares he will never vacation in Vietnam and I'm immediately reminded of the ignorant Redheads from last season. Has Lance never seen the episode of No Reservations where Anthony Bourdain is in Vietnam? Where is his adventurous spirit and passion for travel? Oh suck it Lance. I hope down the road when you're in Bermuda at your sunny vacation resort that a Category 4 hurricane named Lala blows you out into the ocean and are never to be heard from again. The Poker Bitches win me back a little bit by calling Lance a "meathead" and doubting the fact he's a lawyer.
The buses arrive at their destination and the teams have to get into little boats and go to fruit farm to fertilize a tree with nutrient rich mud. Oh good... mud! I love it when they get all dirty and gross. I sit back in my Egyptian Cotton sheets after having bathed in grapefruit scented body wash and just laugh and laugh. Ok so the Poker Bitches are informed they can't proceed until they do their Speed Bump. The challenge is to get the ingredients for Vietnamese soup called Fa/Feh/Fuh or something like that. They have to take the ingredients, make the soup, and deliver it to a Dock Master dude to eat. If he likes it, they pass. Wouldn't you know it? Maria loves Fee Fi Fo Fum and has no problem making a delicious bowl for the dude in the hat.
Cheyenne arrive at the fruit farm first and Cheyne steps off the boat and into the mud where he immediately sinks like it's quick sand. Note to my readers: If you ever encounter quick sand, don't get frantic and squirm. That will only make you sink more. Be still and pray someone comes to rescue you. I learned that on an episode of Gilligan's Island. While Cheyne is busy trying to keep his shoes on in the thick mud, a mass of tiny Vietnamese people are sitting back laughing at him. I love Vietnam! Those bitches laugh at everything! Vanessa Williams arrives and she immediately announces that the mud is sensual. I'm suddenly reminded of Eric and Lisa and all that could have been. I wipe away a tear and watch while Mika bitches about the mud being too heavy. Zev bitches about getting dirty, but I forgive him for it. His bitching is funny and endearing while Mika's makes me want to push her in the river (Yes, I know she's not a good swimmer... hence the appeal of the river push).
Cheyenne maintain their lead and finish first. They take their boat back to the dock where they proceed on foot to find the next clue. They encounter a Road Block where they're instructed to guide 150 ducks back and forth across a bridge and into a holding pen. They can only use two sticks with little flags on the end to guide the ducks and if they don't finish in 10 minutes, they have to start over again. Back in the land of the mud people, Ass Burgers is finishing up and Justin slips on the mud and falls into the river. That trap I set was for Mika not for Justin! Anyhow, the Vietnamese people laugh and laugh and Justin manages to get out and into his boat. Ass Burgers sets off for the dock and quickly realize they have no idea where they're going because they forgot their clue. Ass Burgers turns around while the other teams are beginning to pull ahead of them. They find their clue hanging precariously off the side of the dock where Justin fell in.
Over in Daffy Duck Town, Cheyne is screaming at Meghan to guide her ducks and she's freaking out. Vanessa Williams thinks she's doing a comedy talent routine and tells her ducks to "shake a duck feather". Pinky arrives and kicks some duck ass. He finishes quickly and takes off for the Pit Stop. They have to race on foot to the River and board a Riverboat where they last team to arrive may be eliminated. In the meantime, Meghan's time expired and Cheyne is smacking himself in the hair. Vanessa Williams manages to get all her ducks in the pen, but she forgets to shut the gate and they all escape. The Poker Bitches arrive and apparently one of them grew up with ducks so they think it'll be a piece of cake. Ass Burgers finally arrive and it turns out Zev is The Duck Whisperer gently guiding his ducks anywhere he wants them to go. Meghan abandons her frantic yelling and copies Zev's gentle ways.
In another pen, Mika is screaming at her ducks, "They won't frickin' go in!" Canaan shouts at her for leading them the wrong way and, in the most Christian interview ever, he says sometimes he wants to rip her head off. He's so pious! The Gays are busy getting lost on the way to the River and PinkyPa ask directions and sail into first place where they win the crappiest prize ever: a kayak. All that for a stupid kayak! That sucks.
Back in Quackville, Mika finally finishes while Jessica's time expires. Garrett starts freaking out and Jessica says she needs a moment alone to refocus. I could have sworn I saw her pop some Lithium, but I could be wrong. Vanilla Ice is trying to guide Vanessa Williams and she shouts, "Don't you dare tell me this is easy!" Oh snap. She'll cut a bitch if she has to. Vanessa gets frustrated and tells the ducks, "I'm having duck for dinner tonight!" That scares the bejesus out of them and they get into their pen hoping the bitch leaves quickly. Jessica finishes immediately after and it's a foot race to the Pit Stop.
The Willis' are running their interracial hearts out while Jessica is walking at a snail's pace. Garrett is screaming at her to move her ass, but I think Jessica is off in Lithium Land or something. She refuses to run while Garrett barrells through the market place knocking an innocent bystander off his bike. The Willis' arrive at the Pit Stop in 10th place and an hour later (no not really) Jessica strolls up with Garrett blowing steam out of this ears. Garrett and Jessica are in last place and are eliminated from the race. Garrett stomps his feet and beats up the boat and I fear for Jessica's safety. She just stands there smiling saying, "Yeah he gets angry sometimes." and Garrett tells the cameras he doesn't think he'll marry her anytime soon. How romantic.
And there you have it. That's the whole looooooooong two hours. What did you guys think of the premiere? Who are you liking? Who are you wishing death upon? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Wanna see the Bitter Bitches have to say about being eliminated? Check out the Elimination Station!
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