Monday, December 7, 2009

No Danke Schoen

When I was a little girl I loved going to the grocery store with my mom. I'd leave with armfuls of those Dell Crossword Puzzle books. You know the ones... with Word Searches, Cryptograms, Crostics, etc. My favorite was the Logic Problems. I loved the idea of being able to figure out an entire story and details of an event with only a few sentences/clues to guide me. I would use my powers of deduction and logic to solve the puzzle and, in the end, I'd feel like I was Queen Of The Universe. Last night about an hour before the finale of Amazing Race started, Cheyne "There's Something About Mary In My Hair" sent out a few tweets. Basically, they were thinly veiled CLUES that he had won The Amazing Race. Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I was, how do I put this, ummm less than pleased.

As much as I love to solve Logic Problems, it's a complete load of fuckery that I (and many many others) were able to figure out the outcome an hour before the show even started. Here's what happened for those of you who are clueless: About 90 minutes before the show started, Cheyne tweets that we should all tune in to the "BEST TAR episode ever!" OK if I was a finalist on a show and I told you to tune in because it was the best show ever, I think it's safe to say that I won that show, right? Why else would it be the best episode ever? A half hour later, Cheyne tweets again. This time he's talking about how he's "truly blessed" and "what a memorable night" he's having. Are you fucking shitting me? Why not just fly a banner in the sky saying "I WON THE AMAZING RACE"? He is under contract with CBS not to say a word. If I had the threat of losing my prize money hanging over me, I'd hide myself away in a mountain shack and pretend to be mute until the show was completely over... west coast time just for good measure. Cheyne blew it for me last night. He just couldn't keep his mouth shut and I hope all that product in his hair makes it fall out one day. For the sake of this post I'm changing their team name to Team Fuckery. Let's recap, shall we?

OK so we're still in Prague. 3 episodes in the same fucking country. Bo-ring! Team Fuckery was the first to finish so now they're the first to depart. The clue tells them to fly to Las Vegas, travel to the Graceland Wedding Chapel, and get their next clue from Elvis. The Gays leave second with Team Zebra leaving third. Brian tells us that he's still mad at The Gays for stealing his cab, but I just sat back and rolled my eyes knowing that, in the end, he'd send them a fruit basket or a box of chocolates. Ericka, firmly affixing her Whitney weave for the entire length of the episode, mumbles some crap about her mom not accepting Brian as her husband. Well, her mom just probably thinks he should be spreading the gospel to poor indigent communities in the Amazon or something. Being married to a sassy black woman might not be his calling in life. He should be consoling burn victims or rubbing ointment on lepers. I'm sure Ericka's mom doesn't give a fig they're an interracial couple. She's probably just worried that being married to Ericka will take Brian out of the running for sainthood. It's all crystal clear to me now.

Anyhow, all teams board the same flight to Vegas and all is well. Only Brian looks a little nervous. A saint stepping out in Sin City can only end badly and he knows it. They land without incident and now it's a race to the taxis. Whitney is waving her machete as she plows through the crowds while Dan is knocking down innocent elderly tourists. Lots of hips were broken that day my friends. Eventually, they all make it to the chapel where a young (and obviously dumb) couple is busy getting married while a drunken Elvis sings 'Amazing (G)Race'. How sweet the sounds... that is, until the three remaining teams decide to join in and sing too. Yuck. Uncomfortable. Makes me crinkle my nose and look away when people willingly embarrass themselves like that. Finally, it dawns on one of them, Sam or Whiney McWhinerson, that they're still in a race so they essentially shove the newleyweds to the side, grab Elvis by his lapels, and demand he gives them their next clues. The clue says to travel to Mandalay Bay. The teams bolt out of the chapel, but not before Whitney yells out some very sage advice, "Marriage is wonderful. Just don't race each other!"

Team Zebra, in a very ballsy move, decides to trust their cab driver who tells them he knows of a secret faster way to get to Mandalay Bay. This method hasn't worked out well for Zebra in the past, but Brian has performed enough good deeds for their luck to finally change. It turns out the cabby was right and they are the first to arrive. The clue reads, "Who's ready to climb a mountain?". As Brian is scared of heights, Whitney snatches the clue out of his hand and declares she's doing it. She has to rappel face first down the side of the bloody hotel. Seriously, that is a great challenge and I have to admit that I really admired the way Whitney tackled it. She was scared, but she knew her fear would only serve to inhibit her so she sucked it up, stomped her fear with a sharply pointed stiletto, and bitch turned into Spiderwoman and went down that building. She cheered herself on the entire time while Brian was standing at the bottom hyperventilating into a paper bag.

Team Fuckery arrives shortly thereafter and Cheyne Big Mouth decides to do the challenge. Ugh... you know what this means, don't you? Now we have to hear more Whiney McWhinerson cheering him on. The only thing worse than Meghan whining is Meghan cheering. "Come on Cheyne. You can do it Cheyne. You're doing good Cheyne. Keep going Cheyne. You're almost there Cheyne. You're doing great Cheyne. You can do it Cheyne. Keep it up Cheyne. You're doing awesome Cheyne. You're almost done Cheyne. Good job Cheyne. Why won't you marry me Cheyne? I didn't like the way you looked at me back there Cheyne. Did you steal my hair gel this morning Cheyne? Cheyne we really need to talk about this. Cheyne. Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne... " SHUT UP!!! Oh my god that bitch drives me crazy. At this point Dan was there too and it took every fiber of his being not to pummel her face in. Despite knowing he'd be reunited with Meghan, Cheyne finishes followed by Sam.

Now the teams race to join the cast of Love which is a Cirque De Soleil show at the Mirage. Whitney is totally psyched because she's in the lead. She even started to do her pageant wave she normally reserves for parade floats. She's smiling brightly at passersby and has stopped flashing her ninja stars to the cab driver in the rearview mirror. Why, she's almost delightful. OK so Team Zebra arrives and they're instructed to use bungee chords to fling a team member up to retrieve a bouquet of flowers. Whitney looks at the apparatus and scoffs. "This is going to be SO easy", she thinks to herself. She's got a 30 second lead at this point which, to her, translates as winning the whole damn game so she's not worried about a thing. That is, until Team Fuckery comes marching in. Oh hell to the no! Whitney's resolve immediately starts to dissipate and she starts screaming at Brian. Brian tries to fling Whitney to the flowers, but she just sinks like a stone to the ground. Uh oh... run Brian run! Meghan is now strapped into her bungee cords and Whitney is flailing her limbs kicking and screaming for Brian to fling her in the right direction. Brian, flustered and scared for when she comes out of her harness, is trembling which results in Whitney flying every which way but up.

Over at Team Fuckery Meghan is whining to Cheyne that her ankles hurt her so he has to be careful. Did all that talking and cheerleading somehow cause her to sprain an ankle while sitting on the sidelines as Cheyne went down the side of the building? Personally, I think she ran out of things to complain about and ankles sounded like as good a topic as any. At this point The Gays have finally arrived and they read their clue. It says "Pick a rigor", but Dan thinks it says, "Pick a ranger". This made me giggle a little as I realize that Dan probably has a thing for men in uniform. OK so Cheyne is violently hurling Meghan by her oh so delicate ankles and, much to Whitney's dismay, she gets a bouquet.

What happens next can best be described in the Tori Amos song 'Muhammed My Friend'. One of the lyrics goes something like this: And Moses I know/I know you've seen fire/But you've never seen fire/Until you've seen Pele blow. I use these lyrics because Whitney, our not so lovable pageant queen, takes it upon herself to morph into the angry fire breathing volcano goddess that is Pele. She's hanging from her bungee cords hurling her body violently into some sort of ancient warrior goddess convulsions screaming at the top of her lungs for Brian to switch places with her. It's at this point where Whitney sets an Amazing Race record. In every single episode this season, she has successfully sought a way to cut corners, given up, and/or quit in the middle of a challenge. Congratulations Whitney! Please don't cut me.

Whitney finishes up her hissy fit and demands that Brian switch places with her. He's scared out of his wits so he obliges and climbs into the harness. He makes the sign of the cross, tinkles in his pants a little, and waits for Whitney to viciously hurl him up into the rafters. Whitney is all anger and ferocity at this point so Brian is basically just smashing his head against the ceiling. Blood is spattering everywhere. Whitney gets a drop in her eye and in her weave. *Gasp!* That's it. That's all it took. She grabs the bungee cords, shakes Brian until one of his eyeballs is hanging out of it's socket, and then demands they switch places again. Brian, a bloody mangled mess, limps out of the harness, but he's not fast enough and Whitney bludgeons him with her hair straightener. While Brian is getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter, The Gays are gaily grabbing their bouquet. *covers eyes not wanting to see Brian get pummelled*

It's at this point that Whitney begins her gutteral primal grunting screaming thing. She's literally hanging there covering her face bawling her eyes out kicking her legs making every volcano on the planet erupt. I felt the ground beneath me vibrate as I'm sure you did too. Luckily for Team Fuckery and The Gays, they're safely in their cabs trying to figure out what the most famous casino is in Monaco. Cue the most idiotic moment of the show. OK I've actually been to Monaco and to the place the clue was referring to BUT even if I hadn't, I would have known the answer. First of all, everyone should know that Monaco is a principality on the coast of France. At the very least you should know that Grace Kelly, the Hollywood actress, used to be it's Princess and she died in a horrible car accident on it's winding streets. This should be common knowledge! Even if you're a cultural idiot, you can recall the scene in Howard Stern's Private Parts when Howard is telling the story of Prince Reindeer (nee Ranier). He's talking about MONTE CARLO! Monte Fucking Carlo... where the wealthy go to play. Christ, you can watch an episode of Vh-1's The Fabulous Life to know about Monte Carlo.

Monte Carlo is in Monaco. It's famous for it's big fancy casino with all the Ferrari's and Lamborghini's parked out front. In Monaco they speak French. It's about 8 hours by train from Paris, 4 hours from Avignon. It's a stone's throw from Cannes and Nice. Grace Kelly left Hollywood to marry Prince Rainier. She died in a car crash that some say was caused because she was arguing with her daughter. Grace Kelly starred in the Hitchcock films Rear Window and To Catch A Thief. Her daughter, Princess Caroline, was a wild child who dated Rob Lowe and had a short-lived singing career. In Monte Carlo, I got yelled at in French by a cashier in the grocery store for not weighing a nectarine properly. She made me sad so I went to the McDonald's and had a beer. Yes, they serve alcohol at the McDonald's in Monte Carlo. There! Consider yourself officially schooled now on all things Monte Carlo.

So ummm yeah, no one knew that Monte Carlo is the famous casino in Monaco. Team Fuckery's cab driver thought it was The Venetian. *sigh* The Venetian... Venice... ITALY! Then Cheyne "I should be banned from Twitter" says, "It's in Spain! They speak Spanish there!" *clenches fists* The Gays, in a stroke of genius, decide to call the Monaco Hotline or something, and find out via cell phone that Monte Carlo is in Monaco. Good for you boys. Their cab stops following Team Fuckery's to The Venetian and they arrive at Monte Carlo to discover they have to count out a million dollars in chips. Meanwhile, Team Fuckery arrives at The Venetian. They ask a bell hop what casino is in Monaco. He says, "Monte Carlo". Team Fuckery doesn't believe him. They march inside and ask someone at the reservations desk what casino is in Monaco. The lady at the desk says, "Monte Carlo." Begrudgingly, they decide to believe the lowly working class people and they now head to the Monte Carlo.

Back at the Mirage, Brian is slipping around in his own guts trying to fling Whitney towards her bouquet. He's lost his eyesight at this point and a few of his ribs are broken, but he manages to fling that bitch to her flowers. They get their next clue and wouldn't you know it? Brian, I have a safe house for you, knows IMMEDIATELY that the clue is referring to the Monte Carlo. Bless his heart. Team Zebra manages to arrive at the Monte Carlo before Team Fuckery and I smiled a little bit inside. All the teams decide to count the money out beginning with the largest denomination of chips ($1000). Meghan immediately starts in on Cheyne again, "As fast as your fingers can go, as fast as your fingers can go, as fast as your fingers can go." It's at this point that I've figured out all the mysteries of the world. Cheyne is indeed deaf and Meghan knows her incessant chanting has mystical powers that makes the other teams fuck up. That's the only excuse I can think of for why Cheyne stays with her and why they continue to win all the challenges.

Team Fuckery finishes first and now they have to race to some hotel suite to meet Mr. Las Vegas. Cheyne, apparently who can now talk to the dead, thinks Mr. Las Vegas is Frank Sinatra. I would have more respect had he guessed Carrot Top. At least Carrot Top is ALIVE. OK so The Gays, after having to recount a second time, finally finish and once again I fear for Brian's life. Whitney wants to throw in the towel and start counting all over again from the very beginning. Brian insists he can figure out the problem and Whitney simply chops his head off with the machete she was hiding in her shorts. Rest in peace Brian. You will be missed.

Team Fuckery and The Gays meet Wayne Newton and he tells them that the final pit stop is at his house. Cheyne wishes he could stay and chat for a while, but Meghan grabs him by his spiky hair and hurls him into a cab. Had I not known the ending beforehand (Thanks to Cheyne) it might have been a nail biter of an ending. Team Fuckery and The Gays race in their cabs and Team Fuckery goes to a locked gate while The Gays are sitting back planning all the deep plunging V-neck t-shirts they can buy with their million. In the end, Team Fuckery arrives first at the finish line where all of the other eliminated teams are half enthusiatically clapping. Seriously, did you see Zev's face? When Team Zebra finally showed up and Whitney delivered her lame pageant speech, Zev gave them a stare that would kill an innocent pony. Meanwhile Pinky was totally jonesing for a bong hit I think. When Brian acted shocked at coming in last, a few fairies flew out of my ass. I admit it. I laughed heartily.

So that's it. That's the fat. That's the skinny. Did you guys dislike this season as much as I did? How do you feel about the outcome? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

I want to take this moment to thank all of my lovely loyal readers who take the time to come back each and every week. Your enthusiasm has helped spread the word on my Bitchy Blogs and I am deeply grateful. If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, I ask that you please click on my "Donate" button in the upper right hand side of this page. In February, I will most definitely be covering The Amazing Race 16. With Jeff and Jordan, and now Miss South Carolina (The "Such as" girl), competing there's no way I'd miss it. Until then you can find me over at the Bitchy Survivor Blog. Keep up to date with whatever I'm blogging about by following me on Facebook and Twitter.

Special thanks to Justin Kanew of Team Ass Burgers for all of his support this season. I wish you and Zev the best of luck in all you do and hope to see you guys on the next All Stars season.

Have a great holiday season everyone and thanks again! Super special shout out to Susie and Brett. Brett is the youngest (age 11) most hardcore Amazing Race fan and I GUARANTEE he'll be on an upcoming season kicking everyone's behind.

Here is the final installment of Elimination Station. My only question is where are my Feathered Yoga Bitches? Please to enjoy:

Monday, November 30, 2009

The Rabbi's Gonna Be Pissed

Why don't we just jump right in and address the big cookie dough elephant in the room? As you may know, Jeff and Jordan from Big Brother 11 are currently filming The Amazing Race 16. Now, I'm not sure if all of you are aware of my deep seeded and utter revulsion for these two intellectual giants, but let's just say that this news didn't exactly tickle me where I wanted to be tickled. The only thing I hate more than these Rhodes Scholars are their fans. For the most part (reread how I said "for the most part"), the Jeff/Jordan faction of society is a collection of narrow minded and bitter menopausal hags with ultra conservative views on tattoos, free love, sexual orientation, artistic prowess, and all around entertaining creativity. They're like an army of gun wielding Sarah Palin's out on a mission to squash anything interesting and thought provoking. They eat hypocrisy for breakfast spending an entire season hating Lydia, Kevin, Ronnie, and Jessie only to then spend months afterwards tweeting them with endless compliments. It's confusing, frustrating, and seriously drives me nuts. Having said that, how can I not blog The Amazing Race 16 now? I have to. It's my moral duty. I'm dying to see how CBS will try to manipulate the outcome because we all know the world stops turning when it comes to CBS' precious little ponies. I'm thinking there will be a lot of nonelimination rounds whenever Jeff and Jordan come in last place coupled with several eating contests and plant watering challenges. Last I heard they were in Santiago, Chile. Knowing Jordan, she probably thinks the country comes with a side of cornbread. *sigh*

(Jeff and Jordan at LAX wondering what country Miami is in)

OK now let's get back to the task at hand. Let's recap, shall we? We're down to the Final Four now and, for some reason, we're staying in the Czech Republic for the entire episode. Really Amazing Race? Western Europe or South America don't intrigue you at all? I thought this show was a race around the world not a race around the fewest number of countries possible. As Cheyenne came in first, they're the first to depart. The clue tells them to go to a Spanish Synagogue across town and then head to a museum 4 miles away. 4 miles? I hiked 4 miles yesterday. You don't hear me saying "I'm racing around the world". CBS is sucking the weenie big time this season with these challenges and I'm getting a little tired of it.

Cheyenne arrive safely at the Road Block (those 4 miles were a doozy!) and are instructed to answer some telephones. *throws hands in air* Kafka rejected technology and questioned the meaning of life so now Meghan has to answer some phones and do a word scramble. Why couldn't they eat cockroaches or something? You know, because Kafka wrote The Metamorphisis (the story of a man who wakes up to find himself morphed into a cockroach). Maybe the Amazing Race is saving the cockroach dipped in cookie dough challenge for Jordan. Who knows? So yeah, Meghan has to answer some phones, listen for 5 letters, and then unscramble the letters to form a word. As I type throughout the show, I missed if they gave the viewing audience the answer to the word scramble. All I know is that challenge was easy peasy. As soon as Meghan got all of her letters I immediately knew the word was "FRANZ". Please tell me you guys knew it too.

While Meghan was acting all melodramatic scared of the ringing phones, she was assigning animals to her letters so she wouldn't forget them (rabbit, zebra, ferrett). Meanwhile The Gays were departing and musing about how everyone must see them as villains. Hey, I like a good villain so it goes without saying that I think The Gays are giving themselves way too much credit. What bugs me about them isn't the fact that they play a little dirty. My hatred for them began back in Vietnam when they ridiculed the locals and insulted their cab driver. Dan's constant need to belittle his brother and Sam's temper tantrums were just the icing on the cake. Plus, they're just not likable. For likable, see Team Ass Burgers.

Eventually, Meghan gets all 5 letters and now she has to fill out a questionnaire and unscramble her letters at the end. She gets it wrong on her first try, but nails it on the second. Now Cheyenne is off to a Kryocentrum. My first thought? They have to make a sperm donation. My second thought? Lala, get your mind out of the gutter. It turns out Kryocentrum isn't Czech for Cryo Bank. Honest mistake. Instead the Kryocentrum is a facility for athletes where they sit in the freezing cold. It supposedly enhances their performance or something. Anyhow, it's basically just another moronic challenge where no one has to jump off of anything. At this point The Gays and The Globetrotters have arrived at the Kafka challenge with Dan and Big Easy answering the phones. Back at the Pit Stop, Team Zebra is being told they'll have to do a Speed Bump this leg of the race. Brian poops out a rainbow and tells us they've overcome much more than a Speed Bump in their life. Vanessa Williams just rolls her eyes and pictures flying daggers shooting across the sky.

Cut to the Speed Bump where Jesus and Vanessa are being told that they have to prepare the classic preparation of a serving of Absinthe. Now you're talking my language! Absinthe is divine. If you haven't had the pleasure of feeling it course through your veins filling you with warmth, you're definitely missing out. Yours truly has had quite a few experiences with the smuggled in nectar and it truly is as decadent as you'd imagine. Everything about it is drenched in romantic gothic ritual. The first time I had it was after hours in a goth bar in D.C.. I was dating the owner and his bartender had just returned from the Czech Republic with the absinthe he smuggled out in a Scope bottle. The three of us gathered in the corner of the bar all wearing long black coats, tall leather boots, and probably too much eyeliner. We used a traditional Absinthe spoon, poured the magical nectar over a sugar cube, drank it, and waited patiently for the Green Fairy to emerge. That's the way it's supposed to be done which is very different from the way Bobby and Whitney did it.

First of all, drinking Absinthe isn't a challenge. It's a privilege. Second of all, Brian doesn't drink alcohol... at all. Why am I not surprised? He's scared of what the liquer might make him do especially with all the dancing girls gyrating all over the place in the bar. Brian was scared, shaking, and making the sign of cross over and over again while Vanessa Williams swatted at random girls with her machete. They prepare the drink in like 30 seconds (obviously not savoring the anticipation) and chug it with no problems. Brian is instantly drunk and Vanessa is hooting and hollering about how it burns her throat. I don't know many things in life, but here's something I do know: anything that encourages girls to dance on bars, burns your throat, and makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside is something that should be appreciated not abhored. Add some dramatic gothic music in the background and you've got my version of heaven. I'm just saying.

Back in Kafka land, Dan and Big Easy have found their letters, but unscrambling them is another story entirely. For some reason, this challenge is really difficult for these two mental giants and I was forced to turn in my Team Globetrotters t-shirt. Neither has any idea what the word is and they keep submitting random spellings like "NZFAR" and "RFZNA". Seriously? I can forgive maybe a couple of incorrect guesses, but these two guys were incessant and moronic. Yes, they were incessantly moronic. They're so clueless they decide it's in their best interest to work together to solve the puzzle. After what seemed like hours, Dan finally guesses "FRANZ". The only thing is now he doesn't want to share with Big Easy. Big Easy is floored, but all Dan will say is, "It starts with the letter F". Now, if I'm being completely honest here, I can't say that I wouldn't have done the exact same thing. Only, knowing me, I would have said the first letter was 'Z'. As a result, I can't in good conscience fault Dan for not sharing the answer with Big Easy. The fact that he wouldn't shut up about it afterwards and wondered if he did the right thing annoyed me more than the dirty playing. You're in a race playing a game and you didn't break any rules. Get over it and never apologize. Be a man for chrissake.

Back at the Cryo Bank, Cheyenne is bitching about the cold. Whiney McWhinerson is moaning, "Oh my god! So painful!" while Cheyne Paul Mitchell shouts, "I feel bad for polar bears!". Ugh it kills me that Cheyne is paired up with Meghan. I really really really like Cheyne and think he's hysterical with his one liners and his There's Something About Mary hair, but that annoying, whining, complaining mess of a girl at his side who looks too much like his sister drives me nuts! Cheyne, if you're reading this, dump her like a sack of potatoes. You deserve better.

OK so after Cheyenne finishes they're instructed to go to the Charles Bridge which links old and new Prague together. The Detour is Legend or Lager. In Legend, they have to cover a wooden man named Golem with mud and transport him across town. In Lager, they have to transfer 30 glasses of beer to some rowdy soccer fans in a bar. Cheyenne chooses Legend and gets to work on their man. Meghan pulls her back tight into a bun and begins to smack Cheyne with a ruler across his knuckles. Nothing Cheyne does is right and Meghan has taken it upon herself to reprimand him for everything from how he's spreading the mud to how he's breathing in air. She'll continue to bitch at Cheyne the entire length of the challenge. Honestly, I don't know how he doesn't just pop her one sometimes. In the end, they finish first and they each win a 52" LCD TV. We have our first team in the Finals.

Back at the Kafka Challenge, Team Zebra has arrived and Brian gets to work on the phones. He picks up each reciever and tries to have a conversation with the dudes giving out the clues. The clue man would say, "N" and Brian would respond, "Hi N, how are you? Lived here long? What's good to do here? Is there an Olive Garden in town?" N promptly hangs up on him and Brian is forced to, oh I don't know, focus on the challenge. He gets to the guesssing part where Big Easy is still making random guesses with a cluster of consonants. After a couple of tries Brian gets the correct answer and announces, "I got it right and I'm drunk!" Big Easy stabbed himself in the eye with his pencil at that point and continued hating life.

What happens next is astounding. Big Easy marches outside to Flight Time and they decide to skip the Road Block and take the penalty. Mind you, it's a 5 LETTER WORD SCRAMBLE! But that's not the astounding part. The penalty is 4 hours. 4 HOURS! You know that scene in Grosse Point Blank when Jeremy Piven is suddenly struck with the fact that it's been 10 years since he's seen John Cusack? He goes off on a tirade screaming, "10 years man! TEN! 10 YEARS! Tennn! 10 YEEE-ARS!" Well, that's how I was last night only I was screaming, "4 hours man! FOUR! 4 HOURS! FOOOOUR OWWW-ERRRRS!"

It kills me that Big Easy thought it would take him LONGER than 4 hours to figure out that word scramble. Are you shitting me? That's just ridiculous. What's even more ridiculous was when Flight Time announced that taking the penalty was a strategic move. Uhhh ok, if that's what you need to tell yourself.

Both The Gays and Team Zebra shriek their way through the Cryo Bank challenge. Sam announces his ass is too big for his speedos and Vanessa tries to set the cold on fire. Bitch doesn't do cold. She's from Florida and the idea of anything under 70 degrees is repugnant. Eventually, both teams make their way to the Detour where The Gays choose Legend and Zebra chooses Lager. Funny how Brian is now magnetically drawn to all things alcohol. I told you Absinthe was magical. Must be the wormwood.

The Gays get to work bitching and yelling at each other. I'm tempted to say Dan was in rare form last night, but he wasn't. He was just busy being his usual loathsome self only this time he's also got a rampant case of the Meghan's. In addition to his routine yelling, he's now added psycho bitch whining to his repertoire. The funniest moment had to be when Sam reprimanded Dan for getting dirt in their mud. They have to deliver Golem to a synagogue so naturally Sam was concerned that, "The rabbi's gonna be pissed!". Dan simply ignored Sam, stamped his foot, "accidentally" shoved some mud up Sam's nose, and moaned that his fuschia v-neck was getting dirty. When they finally get to the part where they have to move Golem, the night air was filled with cries of, "He's too heavy!", "You're being a baby!", "I'm trying! Shut UP!!!". My apologies to the Prague population. Please don't judge Americans by these 2 a-holes. We're currently trying to kick them out of our country. We're thinking somewhere like Mauritania. Does that work for you? Unfortunately, The Gays finish and we now have our 2nd Finale Team.

Back at Lager, Vanessa has strapped on her Whitney weave and her ninja stars. Bitch is livid she has to carry beer. To makes matters worse (or funny as hell if you're me), the street is filled with merrymakers who want to steal Whitney's libations. Brian is immediately concerned as to why the drunk celebrators don't have jobs so he sets up a Job Fair booth in the middle of the street and begins to counsel them on employment opportunities. Whitney, on the other hand, is having none of it. She's whipping stars out of her weave left and right threatening to beat up anyone who steals her beer. Naturally, she knocks over all of her beers in the process. Throwing ninja stars and balancing 7 beers on a small tray wasn't Whitney's talent in her last pageant. It was just throwing deadly stars at random girls. Needless to say, she throws a hissy fit and tries to quit the Lager challenge. If she's not seeking a shortcut, she's seeking an easy way out. Brian, inebriated beyond belief, forgets his station in life and insists they continue the challenge. He tells her to carry only 2 beers at a time. Whitney moans at the thought of having to expend any effort, but she carries on threatening to kill any drunkard who crosses her path. After hours of Whitney's ruthless killing, Team Zebra finally finishes the challenge and we have our final Finale Team.

Dammit. That's all I'm gonna say. Dammit. I guess I'm forced to root for Cheyenne now. There's no way in hell I'm supporting The Gays and I can't stand Team Zebra so I suppose I'm left having to support Whiney McWhinerson and her big old bag of bullshit. Life is so unfair. What did you guys think of last night's episode? How are you reacting to the Jeff and Jordan news? Will I be bombarded with lots of hate mail now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Here is this week's installment of Elimination Station. The teams are now in Vegas and my only question is: How long did it take for Justin and Zev to hit the Bunny Ranch? I'm thinking 30 minutes is plenty generous. Mika continues to think Canaan made a mistake breaking up with her (no he didn't) and there's lots of wedding talk amongst the others. Justin has a heineken permanently fused to his hand and I can't say I blame him. Party on Justin!

Please to enjoy:

(Thanks Allen for the blog title!)

Monday, November 23, 2009

Prague. It's A Country!

I'm not going to mince words, but this season of The Amazing Race kind of sucks my ass. It's literally a chore to have to sit through it and, for the first time ever, blogging a tv show actually seems like work. Am I just still bitter Team Ass Burgers is gone or is the show really subpar this season? There are four teams left and I could care less about each and every one of them. Doesn't it seem like something is missing from this season? Have they cut down on the number of countries visited? We're down to the Final Four and they haven't even traveled half way around the world. Am I wrong in thinking they should have visited more destinations at this point in the race? The challenges seem "off" this season too. It's as if they've been phoned in and are (sometimes) way too easily completed. I don't know. I can't put my finger on it, but I do know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I've heard from a handful of you about how this season isn't tickling your no-no's in the least. Is it because of the people competing or something in the production? I have no idea, but let's recap anyway, shall we?

(As CBS is phoning it in, so am I. Today is going to be short and sweet.)

We pick up where we left off, in Estonia. Whiney McWhinerson and Cheyne Hair Gel are the first to leave and head to Prague. Once there they have to find a "Praga" which is an old timey car. Ooohhh challenging. How are they going to pull this off? My knees are knocking in anticipation. The Gays are second to leave and one of them (does it really matter who at this point?) is psyched to go to Prague. The other asks, "Where is it?". Sam or Dan replies, "Prague. It's a country!" Umm no you moronic twit. Prague is not a country. It's a city in the Czech Republic. Ivana Trump is from there. How does a gay not know this?

Next up to leave is Team Zebra and, thankfully, Vanessa Williams is wearing her Whitney weave again. I've missed Whitney and her finger waving, neck shaking, knife wielding bad assness. She stepped into this episode in need of a major attitude (and wig) adjustment and I immediately knew she'd be good for a couple decent one-liners. She doesn't disappoint. Brian, on the other hand, is simply busy adjusting his halo and wondering if they'll see any rainbows on this leg. He talks about how he'll be nice to every team and knit them all smiley face sweaters when he gets back home. Whitney just sits and stares at him fanning down the flames that are bursting forth from her dead blackened soul.

All teams end up getting on the same flight and they all arrive in Prague at the same time. Everyone save Team Zebra hop into cabs and head toward the city square. Apparently someone on the plane (I'm thinking The Gays' long lost sister) told Team Zebra that taking a tram is the fastest way to get into the city. Well, that person was a lying little biznatch because Whitney and Mother Teresa ended up getting stuck on a bus in traffic hating life. Meanwhile, Cheyenne has already figured out that a Praga is a car so all they have to do is run like the wind once they arrive. The Gays are convinced a Praga is a sassy ballerina wrap type of shirt and are all set to search for someone fashionably dressed. Eventually, The Gays figure out they're wrong so they just follow Cheyenne around instead. Blah blah blah now they have to proceed to the Detour.

The Detour is Fast or Slow. Kinky. Once I got my mind out of the gutter I realized that the teams could either kayak down a manmade obstacle course or drag themselves across some ropes. Turns out Whiney is as scared of kayaks as she is of volleyball so she insists they do the rope challenge. The Gays, for once not copying someone else, decide to do the kayaks. The kayaking turned out to be much more difficult than it looked as maneuvering the kayaks through the course was a challenge. Dan, thinking he'd look good wet, barks out orders to Sam and they promptly tip over. Sam peed in the water and Dan beat him over head with an oar. This scene repeated itself about 5 times before they finally gave up and went to the ropes.

At this point the Globetrotters have arrived and have elected to do the ropes. Big Easy is ginormous and pulling his own weight is no easy feat. Cheyenne finish and are antsy to get down the scaffolding, but Flight Time is plum tuckered out and he's taking his sweet old time going down. Cheyne gets all pissy and accuses him of doing it on purpose (which would have been genius by the way) and Meghan just cries because she hadn't yet on that day. Flight Time insists he didn't do it on purpose but Cheyenne's incessant pestering makes him think going slower might be a good idea. Look, if I were Flight Time I would have paused. I would have planted my firm nubile ass on that scaffold and not left until Big Easy had finally gotten across the ropes. It's not breaking any rules and it's strategic. You're not racing to make friends, unless your name is Brian of course, so manipulating strategy when you have a chance is playing smart in my mind. Eventually, Flight Time gets down the scaffold and I think Meghan threw some poo at him, but I can't be sure.

The Globetrotters finish not long after Cheyenne and both are off to a theatre to find a miniature mandolin to hand to some dude named Don Giovanni. Meghan, for some reason, wants to work with the Globetrotters now, but Cheyne and his mousse are having none of it. They abandon the Globetrotters on the train tracks and opt to take a taxi instead. Meghan reprimands Cheyne for being rude and uses his hair as a tissue to blow her nose while Cheyne just sits there numb to her touch. As much as I like Cheyne, I HATE that he lets Meghan push him around and get her way all the time. He looks so depressed next to her and it's obvious he tunes her out half the time. Why doesn't he just up and ditch her ass? Is it really that hard to find someone else to date who looks like his sister? Look at the Mormons. They're always dating people who look like their siblings. Cheyne just needs to pack up and move to Salt Lake City if you ask me.

Alright so back at the Detour Team Zebra has finally arrived and they've instructed their taxi driver to sit and wait for them. The Gays are still on the rope challenge and they get all panicked when they see Whitney and Bobby arrive. Sam tries to scurry across the ropes, but his teeny tiny boy shorts are riding up rubbing his junk in all the right places so he's understandably distracted. Dan screams at Sam that their mother never loved him and his insults must have been contagious because Brian immediately begins to shout at Whitney to use 2 hands. Oh no he di-in't! Whitney jerks her head up and gives him that look. You know the one. The one your mom gives you that makes you turn red and tinkle yourself. I call it the "Mexican Mom Face", but when Whitney does it it's none other than a "Death Stare". Brian turns to ash and crumbles into oblivion kind of like Kirsten Dunst did in Interview With The Vampire.

Back at the theatre, Cheyne and Big Easy are busy searching for their tiny instruments (insert penis joke here). The entire time Cheyne was searching, Meghan was chanting over and over again, "Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, make sure you look carefully, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne..." It was INCESSANT! It reminded me of this:

"Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne..." Seriously, my jaw was on the floor wondering if this bitch was for real. It was at this point when I realized that Cheyne is indeed deaf. I'm thinking he became deaf later in life which is why he can talk normal. He's a master lip reader and all he has to do to ignore Meghan is look away. Genius! How could I have missed this before? No wonder he stays with her! He can't hear her. Unfortunately for the Globetrotters, they can hear Meghan just fine and she's getting on their last damn nerves. Finally, Cheyne finds the mandolin and just in a nick of time if you ask me. One more second and Cheyne would have returned to the stage to find Meghan decapitated and Flight Time with blood smeared across his mouth. I'm just saying.

Back at the ropes, The Gays have finally finished and now they're trying to steal Team Zebra's taxi. Dan, in his plunging pink v-neck t-shirt, is batting his eyelashes at the cabby offering to pay him double what Team Zebra would pay him. He says, "You're really not going to take us? You're really going to let us lose?" Ok now I loathe The Gays. I find them to be hypocritical and repugnant, but, I have to say, that stealing Team Zebra's cab was a pretty good move. It's not against the rules and it was strategic. Fine by me. Whitney, on the other hand, doesn't share my enthusiasm. She was swaying on the ropes frantically trying to reach the throwing stars she had hidden deep in her wig. Brian just made the sign of the cross, sighed, and decided not to send The Gays a fruitcake this Christmas. He says, "I don't see us working with Sam and Dan anymore." Whitney's head explodes and she shrieks, "We're not working with anyone!!!"

The Gays arrive at the theatre and Sam is giggling to Flight Time about stealing Team Zebra's cab. Look, I don't mind the cab stealing, but shut your damn trap about it! You're already seen as shady, but now you've cemented your reputation as minotaurs from hell. If The Globetrotters are ever in the position to help someone in the future, I think it's safe to say the chances are nil they'll lend The Gays a helping hand. Dan, perhaps sensing that Whitney was on her way to the theatre, quickly finds his instrument and scurries off to the Pit Stop. Cheyenne comes in first, The Gays second, and The Globetrotters third.

Whitney and Buddha eventually arrive at the theatre and Whitney, refusing to do more than is absolutely necessary, is half assing the search for the instrument. She refuses to believe it's really hidden somewhere and, I'm quite sure, she half expects it to come walking over to her and sit in her lap. I've never seen someone who cuts more corners (or innocent children) than this bitch does. Does she do this in her everyday life? Remember in the hookah challenge when she refused to match the colors? Can you imagine what her pageant coach must have had to deal with? I'm envisioning rehearsals/work-outs with Whitney holding a knife to his neck refusing to break a sweat or smile 100%. After hours of not really searching, she comes up with the instrument and makes her way to the Pit Stop. Good. She's in last. Finally, she'll go home, right? Not so fast sparky. Phil and his humongous pants inform Team Zebra that this is a nonelimination leg and they're still in the race. Wha... wha... what?!? Dammit! I'm not mad they still get to race. I'm mad I have an extra week to recap this shit. Damn you to hell Phil!

I know, like Whitney, I totally half-assed this today, but I'm just not feeling it anymore. The magic is gone. I'll finish out the season, but right now I'm not sure about next season. Maybe I'll replace The Amazing Race with Real Housewives of New York or the new Celebrity Fit Club. Is there a reality show in particular that you'd like to see me recap? American Idol is out of the question. I'm only a fan of that show through the auditions. Comment it out bitches and have a wonderfully fabulous Thanksgiving!

Here is this weeks Elimination Station. I haven't even seen it yet, but please to enjoy:

Monday, November 16, 2009

Are You A Candle-Uh-Bruh?

Hop on an airplane, take a taxi, find a tower, climb some stairs, complain about having to climb stairs, unlock something, bitch about having to go back down stairs, grab another taxi, yell rudely at the driver, get inexplicably lost (even though you know your driver totally did it on purpose), throw a tantrum, yell at your partner, pick a Detour, struggle and belittle each other, intentionally insult the locals, whine about getting dirty, forget you actually wanted to be on this show (probably even begged at some point), tell America why your middle name should be Douche Wad Without The Heart Of Gold, race to the pit stop, kick another team in the groin, hop gaily onto the finish mat, discover you're not first, moan about how the first place team probably cheated using voodoo and santeria, go home to erect a rotting meat temple in your own honor, die horribly alone muttering to yourself, "We should have won in Stockholm... we should have won in Stockholm...". In one neat little paragraph I've effectively described just about all 15 seasons of The Amazing Race. Seriously, I'm so over this show. If you follow me on Twitter, you're very well aware of how much I HATE recapping this shit (just TAR) every week. Mondays to me are what Carrie Prejean is to humanity: A big giant boil on the face of all that is good in the world. Ughhh... let's recap, shall we?

Finally Phil Ill Fitting Pants mentions how important ABBA is to Stockholm as we prepare to leave the sight of the last Pit Stop. Took you long enough Phillip. Now get a tailor to do something about your pants. OK so the Globetrotters finished first and now they're the first to leave. Take a ferry to Estonia, the clue says. My first thought? I wonder if it'll be windy enough to make Dan fall overboard??? Once at the terminal all the teams are less than thrilled to discover that the ferry doesn't depart for another 12 hours. Once again, the playing field has been levelled. It's at this point where we learn that Ericka nee Vanessa Williams never won a thing in her pageants, but she still won the crown. This is why Team Zebra isn't upset they haven't won a leg yet. The Amazing Race is just another giant pageant after all. Teams sabotage each other, steal one another's Preparation H, stick hot chilies down each other's bathing suits, replace the opposing teams hairspray with mace, and substitute matte powder with itching powder. Just another day at the office for Vanessa.

PinkyPa has been notified that they'll have to undergo a Speed Bump this leg and Pinky ritualistically adorns himself with his black bandana and a fresh smear of goat's blood. The bandana contains magical mystical powers. It renders his vocabulary skills useless and makes him awkward towards hot Finnish babes, but more on that later. So yeah, they're on the ferry boat and blah blah blah they arrive in Estonia. Now they have to find a cab, go to a building where the Brotherhood Of Benzoyl Peroxide resides (Ok so it's really called the Brotherhood Of The Blackheads, but that name is too gross so I changed it), use a key on a keychain of many keys to unlock the door, go to the cellar, encounter a group of Renaissance Faire rejects, find a candelabra, go to a room, wave a scroll in front of a flame, and read the message to the next clue. The best part of this challenge had to be the Benzoyl Peroxide Brothers wearing tights pretending to sword fight in the basement. Clearly they were all drunk as someone was actually playing a lute.

While the teams were preparing to get pillaged from the guys, PinkyPa was instructed to find a Sauna Buss and take a sauna. Perfect! Pa's ancestors liked to sauna so no doubt he'll be really good at it. They board the bus, sit in a wooden room with some strangers, and began to profusely sweat. Enter Finnish Barbie. A lovely young blonde joins PinkyPa in the sauna and Pinky is promptly rendered mute. Finnish Barbie, blonde hair cascading down her back, is totally giving Pinky that come hither look (I wonder how much CBS paid her), but Pinky spent his college years playing Doom and, as a result, he isn't well versed in the language of love. Pa, on the other hand, totally wants to hop on Miss Finnish Universe and tap that ass, but times a wastin' and they've got a race to rejoin.

Back at the Clearasil Headquarters, Dan is busy sticking Biore Nose Strips on the Globetrotters asses. No, not really, but had there been Biore Nose Strips available I have no doubt Dan would have done that. Everyone is finding their scrolls, but reading them is another story. Big Flight or Easy Time (yes, I've changed their names) sees a crayon next to his scroll and since crayons are for coloring... well, you know the rest. He colors all over his scroll thinking it'll make the message emerge somehow. It doesn't and he stands there flummoxed. Cheyne, still my favorite player despite his girlfriend (whose name I've also changed. She's now Whiney McWhinerson.), figures out the candelabra wasn't just a prop and he discovers the message instantly. He's instructed to go to some Tower. The Amazing Race isn't The Amazing without at least 18 towers per episode.

PinkyPa, having put a down payment on a Sauna Buss and drawn up a business proposal for the Minnesota branch, is finally arriving at the ProActiv Club. Pinky decides to put all his untapped sexual energy to good use and do the challenge. He descends the stairs and is delighted to see that the Estonian's are also into fantasy role playing. Believe you me, Pinky has spent a weekend or two out in the forest with a clan of well fed dorks calling each other "thou" and wearing lace up shirts. Pinky thinks he's found Xanadu. That is, until he reads his clue. Find a candelabra? Pronounced in PinkySpeak as "candle-uh-bruh" (Thanks Allen!) Well shit! What the hell is a "candle-uh-bruh"? Surely, one of the pimple dorks, perhaps the one with the lute, is named "Candle-uh-bruh". If only it were that easy. After unsuccessfully demanding that the real "Candle-uh-bruh" present himself, Pinky puts two and two together (to get 5 no doubt) and surmises that "candle-uh-bruh" must have something to do with a candle. Eventually, Pinky makes it out of the Zit Messhall alive and they're off to the Detour.

The Detour is Surf (?) or Sling. Teams can either play volleyball in the mud in their skivvies or sling vegetables at a moose picture. Vanessa Williams, waving her finger and jerking her neck back and forth, informs us all that she's wearing a thong so the volleyball challenge is out of the question. Didn't one of the Redheads jog several miles in a thong last season? Players should know by now that, in addition to heights and water, stripping off your clothes is compulsory at some point. While Vanessa is busy making excuses Cheyne and Whiney McWhinerson are already done having kicked some major volleyball ass. Just when I've sworn off Cheyenne they pull out a stellar win. Bitches! They finish first and win a sauna of their own. Immediately, I secretly hope that Whiney locks herself in and melts away forever sometime in the future.

The Gays and The Globetrotters are now trying to play volleyball only something is amiss. There's something hinky going on with The Gays. Their junk is all pixellated. The only conclusion I insist on coming to is that The Gays were turned on by the strapping young Estonian bucks and they had some major wood CBS found too inappropriate for us to see. Actually, I think Sam was "peeping out" and Dan was flashing too many pubes. Either way I sat home happy knowing they were probably mortified watching it last night. Dan, who earlier swore off being a bratty little bitch, instantly morphed into a bratty little bitch as soon as the challenge started. He yelled at Dan for not playing right. Never mind the fact that Dan face planted his own ass in the mud repeatedly. Seriously, Dan was playing worse than Sam was, but, true to Dan form, he ignored those facts and got on his own bitch train. I loathe Dan with a passion. Earlier in the episode he actually trying to steal a cab away from an INVALID! Who does that?!? And this is where I came to an awful realization... I think The Gays might actually win this. I know, I know, hush my mouth and spank my ass. I'll never speak of it again I swear.

The Globetrotters, delightful even though slightly dim, are thinking they'll kick ass in the volleyball challenge because of their height. Yes, height is advantageous in volleyball, but not always necessary. Yours truly was actually captain of her varsity volleyball team. No, I'm not tall. I was a setter with a killer overhand serve. I once served an entire game against NCS (National Cathedral School - a couple years before Gore's daughter's went there). Seriously, that serve was magical. I don't know what I did but when my ball was coming at you it looked like it was swaying from side to side thus rendering you motionless and confused. Ahhh good times... well, until my bitch coach pissed me off and I walked off the team, but that's a story for another day. So yeah while height might be helpful in normal everyday volleyball, it's useless when you're planted knee deep in mud. Eventually, they get the hang of it and begin to score.

It's neck in neck with The Gays and The Globetrotters (obviously a recurring theme this season) and they end up finishing the Detour at about the same time. Now it all comes down to a foot race. Oh joy! I've been waiting for this. I've been eagerly anticipating The Globetrotters flying by The Gays kicking up all sorts of dust in their face. The race is on and they're running, they're running, they're running, and then it happens. Dan, a shining beacon of light to Christians everywhere, flings his elbow (much like George Costanza did in the nonfat yogurt episode) at Easy Time effectively pushing him off the wooden pathway and into the mud. Oh. Hell. No. Vanessa must have taught him that. Anyhow, The Gays finish 2nd and The Globetrotters finish 3rd, but not after a tension filled meeting with Phil. Phil, such a total pussy, tries to ask The Gays what happened. Dan acts all innocent retelling his version of the foot race while everyone at home is watching the replay. It was like that soccer chick from New Mexico who kept beating up her opponents on the field. She finally got kicked off her team just like Dan should be kicked off of... umm life. Yes, Dan should could be kicked off of life!

Back at the Detour, Team Zebra is unsuccessfully flinging vegetables every which way. Vanessa's pageant personality comes out as she's determined to beat her own husband at the challenge. Never mind the fact that it doesn't really matter who hits the moose just as long as someone hits the damn thing, bitch wants to win! Eventually, they hit the mark and slide into 4th place.

This leaves us with PinkyPa. Poor untalented, paunchy, sweat covered, yet charming at the same time PinkyPa. They're only just now arriving at the Detour and while they've kind of already figured out that they're in last place, they go on to finish the challenge smiling the whole way. Did you see that Poker Bitches? They finished! They didn't quit and cry and hold each other. They smiled, encouraged each other, and let themselves have fun in their final few minutes in the game. We all kind of knew they wouldn't win, but it was still disappointing to see them eliminated. I hope their Sauna Buss business is business and brings lots of Nordic hotties for Pa to play with.

Actually, after all my initial bitching, this episode wasn't that bad to recap. Note to self: Make sure you're in a super bitchy mood before blogging. It makes it easier! LOL So what did you guys think of last night's episode? Who are you rooting for now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Here's this week's Elimination Station. Unfortunately, Marcy gets way too much air time. Hasn't she melted yet?

Please to enjoy:

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Monday, November 9, 2009

Just Unroll Them!!!

There are many things that disappoint me in life. Sandra Bullock's hair in The Lake House comes to mind as well as: men in Ed Hardy shirts, people who tweet "Ooops I made a typo", the fact that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was born with a voice box, and, most importantly, when I issue a challenge to someone and they fail so miserably that it makes me rethink my purpose on this planet. Last week I gave Meghan one more chance to win me over. She had a golden opportunity to impress and delight me, get a great write up in this here blog, and make up for all her past regressions. Well, the bitch let me down. Let's recap, shall we?

The episode opens with the teams leaving Holland and heading to Sweden. Once again they're issued a death defying challenge: travel to Stockholm and go on a ride in an amusement park. Bo-ring! Why not just have the teams tickle each other and have a pillow fight? Anyhow, they have to go on a ride that's like those parachute things at Knott's Berry Farm, find an arrow, throw some hoops on a gnome hat, and drive to a farm. The Gays are first to depart and Dan must have OD'd on his bitch pills that morning because he immediately starts bitching and moaning in the car on the way to the airport. Seriously, they're not 5 minutes into the challenge and he's already bitching about how Sam isn't breathing right or some shit like that. Cheyenne (Cheyne/Meghan) and the Globetrotters leave not long after.

The Gays, Cheyenne, and Globetrotters all get on the first flight out with PinkyPa (Gary/Matt) and Team Zebra (Brian/Ericka) stuck on a flight 2 hours later. Amazingly, Ericka is keeping Whitney in check and manages to keep her wig on straight for the majority of the episode. In the middle of my being stunned at lucid Ericka, Brian informs us that the reason they came on the show was to convince Ericka's mom that they make a good couple. Bull-shit! Am I seriously expected to believe that they were sitting at home one night upset over the fact that Ericka's mom doesn't support them as an interracial couple when one of them says, "I know what we can do! We can go on The Amazing Race. That'll convince her!" Give me a fucking break. You did not go on the show to improve race relations. You went on to win a million dollars. There's nothing wrong with trying to win some money. However, there is definitely something wrong with them trying to convince me otherwise.

Ok so apparently Sweden is known for dynamite and Vikings. It is? When I think of Sweden I think of Garbo and ABBA, but that's just me I guess. At the Detour teams have to choose between Nobel Dynamite and Viking Alphabet. Obviously, they all choose Nobel Dynamite. I'm thinking at this point in the race the temptation to blow something up was entirely too strong to ignore. They have to fill bags with sand, create a bunker, blow up some dirt, and unearth their next clue. Eh I would have preferred a Voulez-Vous Lay All Your Love On Me Dancing Queen challenge. I'm thinking the Globetrotters would have killed in a challenge like that. I'm also thinking Meghan would have found a way to cry. Looking back, I think Meghan has cried during every single leg of the race thus far. She should get together with Mika and go bowling. I'm just saying...

The Gays dive in filling their bags with their hands while Meghan gets busy trying to micromanage Cheyne. He's not shovelling right, he's not holding the bag open enough, he's not carefully placing each kernel of dirt gently in the bag, he's not encouraging her... you know what Meghan? Be thankful he's not smacking you upside the head because that's what I'd be doing. Seriously, I don't know how Cheyne can listen to her constant whining without jamming rusty spikes into his ears. She reminds me of Veruca Salt "I want it nooooooooooow". Only she's saying, "Nooooooooo you gotta keep it open." Meghan is insisting they both work together to fill the bags one at a time. Obviously, she's had her morning breakfast of brain tumors and nonsense because that's the dumbest idea ever. Just when I thought Meghan had reached her idiotic pinnacle she begins to moan, "Cheyne encourage me pleeeease... help meeeeeeeeee." Is this bitch for real? They're in the middle of a race and she wants to have a couples session? Ugh. I'll encourage you Meghan. Come here. SMACK! How's that for encouragement? Now shut your trap and fill the damn bag already.

At this point, Team Zebra and PinkyPa have arrived in Sweden and they're completing the amusement park tasks fairly efficiently and quickly. Back at the dynamite challenge, The Gays and the Globetrotters successfully finish while Meghan is still fussing over how Cheyne doesn't hug her enough. Eventually, Cheyenne finishes and this is where I'm thinking Cheyne is either the most patient guy on the planet or the dumbest. The fact that he doesn't hurl Meghan out of a moving car is astounding, but the fact that he puts up with her constant nagging is even more puzzling. As they're leaving the challenge Meghan starts in again on Cheyne saying that he didn't exhibit good teamwork during the last challenge. *throws hands in air* I don't know why I continue to be shocked by what comes out of her mouth, but I am.

This brings us to the big historical Road Block challenge. Teams are instructed to unroll big bales of hay and find a flag before proceeding to the Pit Stop. Personally, I don't remember this challenge. I've only seen a few seasons of The Amazing Race, but apparently a team spent 10 hours doing this in a past season. Nice! Now we're talking. Let's torture these bitches as much as possible. Ok so the teams begin to arrive and the first decision they must make is who will do the unrolling? Dan, so familiar with the challenge you'd think he's done it before, for some reason decides Sam will do it. Makes zero sense. Over at Team Cheyenne, Meghan is still yelling at Cheyne for god knows what that at this point his eyes have just glazed over. She's demanding he make a decision, but instead of waiting for an answer she kicks him in the shins and marches off to do the challenge herself. First off, Meghan you suck! Go pop some Prozac and get over your passive aggressive bullshit. Secondly, Cheyne grow some balls! This is obviously a physically taxing challenge that requires a certain level of endurance. It's just common sense you'd choose the stronger player to do it. There's no question in my mind that Cheyne should have stepped up, pushed Meghan to the side, covered her mouth with duct tape, and completed the challenge himself.

Speaking of duct tape, let's talk about Dan for a little bit. What a psychotic freak of nature this guy is. As soon as Sam stepped out onto that hay field, Dan began screaming at him nonstop. "You're not doing it right!", "Just unroll them!", "Stop doing that!", "You're going to be here forever!", "I'm better looking than you!", "You're the loser brother and I'm king of world!"... ok so maybe I made a few of those up. Then again, who knows? They edit a lot out of these shows. Like I mentioned before, why didn't Dan just do this challenge himself since apparently he's the master of hay bales? ALSO, last night Sam tweeted that he was allergic to hay. If that's true, which I doubt it is, then WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD HE DO A HAY CHALLENGE? Anyhow, Sam was clearly annoyed with Dan's shouting and would frequently shout back, "Shut up!", "Just be quiet!", "Mom loves me better!".

Back in codependent country, Meghan now has a new mantra, "This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life." Really? Unrolling hay is the hardest thing you've ever done? Do you live on a cloud and spend your days sprinkling pixie dust over yourself? Seriously, she makes me really angry. Thankfully, the Globetrotters, Team Zebra, and PinkyPa have all arrived at this point and I can avert my attention elsewhere. Tweedle Dee (Meghan) and Tweedle Dum (Dan) are giving me a headache. Brian rolls for Team Zebra and in the span of about 30 seconds even he's ready to pummel Dan's face in. Calmly, he informs Dan that the hay rolling is harder than it looks. Dan marches up to Brian, smacks him in the face with his glove, and goes back to telling Sam how inadequate he is.

Meanwhile, Big Easy (I think) is unrolling his hay and just as he's about to move onto another bale, he kicks a clump of hay to discover a flag. The Globetrotters have found their needle in a haystack! Dan, of course, begins to mock Sam for not finding his flag first. Sam, on the other hand, had other fish to fry. He thinks the Globetrotters are the luckiest team in the race and that everything seems to go their way. Who's the bitter bitch now? Sam is just as moronic as Dan is. Does he not remember how for several legs of the race the Globetrotters came thisclose to being eliminated? I don't know what Sam's beef is with Big Easy, but he really dislikes him. I'm wondering if we missed a fight early on or if it's just good old fashioned jealousy and resentment. I'm not sure. All I know is I really hope the Globetrotters kick The Gays' ass. Something like a tension filled foot race in an upcoming leg where the Globetrotters blow The Gays away would be satisfying.

Speaking of likable teams, this brings me to my new favorite team: PinkyPa. They're now at the hay farm and Pa decides to do the challenge (which I have no problem with because Pinky is a chubby monkey making him about as equally physically fit as his father). So Pa walks out onto that field and with Pinky encouraging him and rooting him on, he gets to work on those hay bales. Pinky's kind words must have been like kryptonite to Dan because all of a sudden Dan begins to feel bad for being a total asshole. Dan sees how Pinky saying nice things seems to have a positive effect on Pa. Who knew?!?

Over in Wendy Whiner Central, Meghan is now throwing a full blown tantrum and crying. She's essentially stopped unrolling her hay and has decided that crying like a little bitch is a much better use of her time. The icing on the cake is when she goes back to unrolling her hay and can't make a decision as to which hay bale to unroll next. She screams at Cheyne, who's now fashioning a noose out of his shoelaces, to help her decide which hay bale she should cry into next. To my complete and utter dismay, the bitch actually manages to find a flag. To my utter delight, she decides to surprise Cheyne and proceeds to fall face first into a ditch. Cheyenne finish second with Team Zebra right behind them rolling into third place.

We're now left with The Gays and PinkyPa. Dan, for the most part, has stopped screaming at this point while Sam is exhausted almost resigning himself to defeat. Pinky remains steadfast cheerleading for Pa while Pa mutters to himself, "A million dollars... come on baby!" How can you not like this guy? I'll be honest, I thought he was going to be an uptight conservative who bitched at his son all the time, but he's done nothing of the sort. He's joked about calling a hookah a bong, he helped his son dye his hair pink, and he's aluded to wearing women's clothing in his spare time. I love his attitude, his open mindedness, and his ability to never give up. As we all know, The Gays managed to eventually find their flag. Did PinkyPa scream and kick and bitch and moan? No! They kept going, kept cheering each other on, and after 3 hours Pa finally uncovered his flag.

I'm sure you were all thinking the same thing I was: Please let this be a nonelimination round. Well, the gods smiled down on us my friends. Even though PinkyPa finished last, they live to see another leg. They'll have to encur a Speedbump next week, but that's ok. Meghan could have a complete meltdown and Dan could kill Sam in his sleep so I'm not writing off PinkyPa yet.

What did you guys think of The Gays and Cheyenne last night? Are you onboard with my new found affection for PinkyPa? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Please to enjoy this week's Elimination Station where Lance actually admits what a loser he is and Canaan dumps Mika's ass:

Monday, November 2, 2009

Know When To Hold 'Em, Know When To Fold 'Em

There was once a young woman. Beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, talent like you wouldn't believe. The whole world opened it's arms and embraced her. It was as if she could do no wrong... until she did a reality show. Now she spends hours on Oprah trying to convince the world she's not a crackhead. I think you all know who I'm talking about. I thought I'd never see reality show Whitney again, until I saw last night's Amazing Race. Heaven smiled down upon me and blessed me last night my friends. Let's recap, shall we?

We pick up where we left off, at the Atlantis Dubai. Cheyenne (Cheyne/Meghan) are the first to depart. They tear open their clue to discover they're off to Amsterdam. Oh joy! Finally, we'll get that hydroponic pot smoking challenge I've been waiting for. Teams will have to visit The Grasshopper, ask for a menu, and smoke up. Oh wait... that's not their challenge. That was my first trip to The Netherlands. Nevermind. Ok so the teams are instructed to fly to Amsterdam and drive themselves to some monument to find their next clue. Upon arriving at the airport, Cheyenne's souls are crushed to discover that the first flight out is at midnight thus levelling the playing field amongst all the teams.

In the car on the way to the airport we meet the newest incarnation of Team Zebra (Brian/Ericka). Before, I kept referring to Ericka as Vanessa Williams because of the whole evil pageant thing she had going for her, but for the sake of this post she'll now be known as Whitney (in her Bobby Brown years). So Whitney and Bobby are sitting in their cab and Whitney announces how she doesn't want to be seen as a nagging wife. You know what this means don't you? This means we're getting a whole hour of Whitney nagging like nagging has never been done before! Refill your gin tumblers and wrap yourselves in velvet bitches because we've got a good time ahead of us.

So all the teams are sitting in the airport lounge and for some reason interchangable Sam or Dan announces, "We're the token gays!". Someone, probably Cheyne, mumbles, "Now the matching swimsuits make sense!" Giggles all around. The Poker Bitches (Maria/Tiffany) tear up a little bit and console each other for not being able to pick up any hot men during the race. Sam or Dan then reveal they're still in the closet at home and not everyone knows they're gay. Whitney, not missing a beat, shouts, "They do now!" Oh Whitney, bless your heart. Can I pack your crack pipe again for you?

All teams arrive in Amsterdam, which, for a city where all drugs and prostitution are legal, is surprisingly charming and lovely. Sure, the sex shops carry some unusual pornography (one word: horses), but the beer is the best I've ever drank in my life and those circular bicycles with seven people navigating at once are a good time (especially if you're stoned off your rocker) but I digress. Team Zebra is having a very difficult time and aren't getting off to a very good start. They're sitting in their car in the parking structure wondering why the damn thing won't go into Drive. Brian is sitting there, car door wide open, one foot firmly placed on the ground, wondering why he can't he can't drive off into the Dutch countryside. Whitney, in the back seat, is smacking her lips and sighing dramatically, making it known to all of us that she thinks her husband is a moron. Brian yells back at her that the car won't go into Drive and that he doesn't know what's wrong. Whitney lights up (her crack pipe) and shouts, "Don't get mad at me cuz you don't know how to start the damn car!" I found myself hoping, for Brian's sake, that Whitney didn't have a Swiss Army Knife in her knapsack cuz bitch would have totally cut him at that point. Eventually, Brian figures out (with the help of a stranger he forced to assist him) that shutting the car door is a necessary maneuver if you want the car to drive away.

At this point we get one of the funniest sound bytes ever. The Globetrotters divulge that the only reason they know Brian's name is because Ericka keeps screaming it when she's mad at him. LOL Further proof that Ericka is Whitney... "Bobbbaaayyy!" (Seriously if you're not getting these references, flog yourself senseless for never having watched Being Bobby Brown.)

Teams retrieve the next clue: Who's got strong legs and keen eyes? In this challenge teams have to climb some bell tower, count all the bells, and give the total to the Dutch dude at a piano. Sam and Meghan decide to work together while out of nowhere Pinky emerges and delivers the correct total: 62. Seriously, where the hell did he come from? OK so Sam and Meghan shortly thereafter also get the total right and Sam promptly whispers the total to Tiffany as she's climbing up the tower. Meghan overhears him and runs down to tattle to Cheyne. Cheyenne are none too thrilled and proceed to hightail to the next clue which is located at some windmill.

Team Zebra finally arrives at the bell tower and Whitney snatches the clue away from Brian declaring she's gonna do the challenge. Brian, scared and obviously intimidated, slowly backs away from the clue and tries to find his happy place. Whitney, sassy and full of gumption, climbs the stairs thinking counting is for suckers. She tells the Dutch dude that the total is 43. Dutch dude says no and Whitney punches him in the face (ok maybe not). At this point, the Globetrotters and the Poker Bitches are long gone leaving Brian whimpering to himself and biting his nails at the base of the tower. Whitney, hands bloodied from beating the Dutch guy to a pulp, begins her counting all over again. She's trying to quiet the cracky voices in her head, but they're much too loud. Her next guess is 56 and all the Dutch dude can do at this point is cry and beg for his life.

Over at the Detour, the teams are choosing between Farmers Game or Farmers Dance. In Farmers Game, teams have to swim in their underwear to a pseudo golf course where they have to play 3 holes of golf getting the ball into the hole in 8 strokes or less. In Farmers Dance, they have to ride a bicycle, ring a bell, learn a dance, and eat some salted herring. My first thought was that the salted herring was going to be a huge problem for some of the teams, but much to my surprise no one mentioned it at all. The Gays and Cheyenne decide to play some golf while PinkyPa heads over to the dance hall. The whole time Meghan is whining about how she can't play golf and she knows she won't be able to hit the ball. Now, I'm trying really hard to be on Team Cheyenne, but Meghan makes it extremely difficult to cheer her on. All this bitch does is whine and cry... and over the most ridiculous things! They haven't even started playing golf yet and she's already crying over how hard it's going to be. I'm not going to give up on them just yet though. I'll give Meghan one more week not to piss me off again. I'm giving Meghan the same challenge I gave to Lydia in BB11. She has one week to turn her shit around and win me back. Lydia pulled it off and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Meghan can too. The only person she has to thank for this second chance is Cheyne. She's damn lucky he's so likable, that's all I have to say.

At the dance hall we discover that Pa from PinkyPa is no stranger to wearing women's clothes. Nice! He assures us that his past in drag wasn't the least bit kinky, but I think we all know Pa has some skeletons in his closet and you know what? We all like him a little more for it. Initially I thought Pa would be a little too conservative for my taste, but I'm happy to say that he's the comic relief making Pinky look a little bit like a doormat in comparison. They ring their bell with no problem and begin to learn the dance. Midway through Pinky decides to read the clue over again in it's entirety. Uh oh... Pinky doesn't do fish and right then and there they quit the dance and decide to play golf instead. I knew it! I knew the fish would be problematic, but does anyone listen to me? No! Lucky for PinkyPa they discovered the fish thing in time, but I still think they're moronic for having not seen that part of clue sooner. As the hour progresses, we'll discover that they're not the only ones who didn't read the clue carefully.

Let's check back in at the bell tower, shall we? I know my precious angels... I'm frightened too. Oh dear, Whitney is in major withdrawal and now she's a blubbering mess crying into Brian's shoulder. My first thought? Bitch, why aren't you counting the damn bells?!? My second thought? Nevermind, I'm ok with you getting eliminated. Brian, bless his heart, is surprisingly supportive and consoling. If I were him, I'd be screaming my head off for her to get her act together and count those damn bells. Then I remembered that Brian is probably scared of her and I nodded knowingly.

Back at the golf course, The Gays have finished and Cheyne has finally managed to get Meghan to stop whining long enough to hit the ball. Now they have the hang of it and they finish 2nd. Meanwhile, The Poker Bitches, who are totally growing on me by the way, are yodelling on their bikes asking, "Who are we right now? Like who are we?" These two always make me laugh and I decide then and there to forgive them their past regressions and start supporting them again. Well, I never claimed to have impeccable judgment, but more on that later. At the Pit Stop, The Gays prance into first place and are rewarded with a sand buggy. A sand buggy? That's worse than PinkyPa's canoe they won. Unless you live in the Mojave and travel the world doing extreme sports a sand buggy is the worst prize possible. As if reading my mind, Sam (@sammcmillen) tweeted "Anybody wanna buy a sand buggy?"

Back at the bell tower Whitney finally guesses the correct number of bells and now she's busy crying about not wanting to go home. Over at the dance hall, The Globetrotters have arrived and they're absolutely delightful. They're big, not exactly graceful, but they embrace the dance challenge and manage to get the entire room cheering them on. While they're busy winning hearts, The Poker Bitches get busy crying. Wha.. wha... what??? What the hell? I just decided to give them my full support and now they cry over not being able to ring their bell? For some reason, they can't hit the mark hard enough to ring the bell. As I haven't seen another woman successfully ring that bell yet, I won't judge them for that, but I will judge them for just standing there crying about it. By the end of the episode, they'll have gone back and forth between the 2 challenges twice crying at both of them. For some reason, they're totally nonchalant, taking their time, and taking lots of breaks to cuddle and hug each other. I just don't get it. I don't understand their lackadaisical attitude.

At this point, Cheyenne, The Gays, PinkyPa, and The Globetrotters have all finished this leg. We're left with Team Zebra and The Poker Bitches. Team Zebra decided to do the dance challenge, but they neglected to hop on their bicycles. They've been walking miles in their wooden shoes and they're about as broken as two people can be at this point. Whitney is literally telling Brian that she is the only one who has a right to mad because she did the bell tower challenge and he didn't. At this point, I'm hoping Brian takes of his wooden shoes and starts hurling them at her. Much to my disappointment, he just takes her insults and they finally arrive at the dance challenge. They complete the dance and, to my utter astonishment, Whitney inhales the herring with no problems at all. They proceed to the Pit Stop and are informed that since they didn't use their bicycles they'd have to encur a 30 minute penalty. Hell to the no. 30 minutes?!? They should be penalized at least an hour. You can't just neglect an entire portion of a challenge and get off that easily. Seems totally unfair to me.

Over on the golf course, The Poker Bitches are shivering and shaking and telling each other how great they are. It's pretty clear they've basically given up at this point. All I was wondering was, is this going to be a nonelimination round? Well, guess what? We never find out because after Team Zebra cried through their half hour penalty, Phil pops up on the golf course (out of thin air mind you) and just nods and says it's obvious The Poker Bitches have given up. Stop! Hold up. Back in the Wasabi challenge, they didn't finish properly because they lost their Japanese ladies to the Yakuza but they still remained in the game. I know that if last week in Dubai was a nonelimination round the Holy Rollers would have been allowed to continue even though they didn't go down the slide. Something was hinky about the way the show ended last night. Phil never told the Poker Bitches that they were eliminated from the race. I know they're gone. It's not like I'm expecting them to show up next week, but I'm really wondering if that was a nonelimination round last night, but because The Poker Bitches kept stopping to cuddle they changed it to an elimination round at the last minute. Something was weird about the way it all came to an end. Of course I could just be pissed off that that bitch on Team Zebra lives to see another day. Who knows?

What do you guys think? Did you think something was weird the way it ended last night? Are you over Team Zebra at this point? Would you have rather they left than the Poker Bitches? Who are you guys rooting for now?

(Special thanks to TKeep123 for inspiring this week's title)

Check out this week's Elimination Station where Marcy is still drunk and melting, Lance is still being a douchebag, and Zev is remarkably a teeny weeny bit evil and drunk. That resort they're staying at looks more ghetto everytime I see it. I wonder if it even had air conditioning...

Please to enjoy:

Monday, October 26, 2009

You Can't Make Me!

Now, I don't know everything, but what I do know can be boiled down to this: those bitches on The Hills get paid way too much money, children given "Time Outs" grow up to be serial killers, at least one girl will get kicked off the Bad Girls Club each season, Sarah Jessica Parker getting a beauty contract with Garnier offends me, Nikon is better than Canon, Phil Keough's clothes never fit properly, Justin Kanew has to shave his back weekly, and THERE WILL BE SEVERAL WATER AND HEIGHT ORIENTED CHALLENGES ON THE AMAZING RACE. In fact, it's the 11th commandment: Thou shalt get wet and look down from great heights on The Amazing Race. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin where we left off: Dubai. As Cheyenne (Cheyne/Meghan) were the first to finish, they are the first to depart. They are instructed to choose a briefcase, take a taxi to the Dubai Yacht Club and find the next clue. Once at the Yacht Club, they encounter a Road Block and must row an inflatable dinghy to a Yacht, receive a watch, row back, and use the watch to figure out how to unlock the briefcase. Cheyne hops in the dinghy and begins to sing, "Row row row your boat gently down Dubai..." as teams Zebra, Globetrotters, and PinkyPa (freshly dyed) begin to join the race. Due to last week's Fast Forward, Cheyenne have a huge lead and minutes later Cheyne is back with Meghan figuring out that the code to the briefcase is the time on the watch: 8:35. It takes him literally 2 seconds to figure it out and I sit back happy and satisfied that I've chosen to join Team Cheyenne.

Brian rows for Team Zebra because Vanessa Williams is scared of water and the Globetrotters encounter a major setback when their taxi driver gets lost. I wonder if he did it on purpose. I always thought if I was a cab driver and some loud bitches were hooting and hollering at me, I'd totally get lost on purpose just to piss them off even more. It's like that time in college when I did a brief stint for a catering company. There was this stupid whore who kept giving me attitude so I promptly pretended to trip and spilled an iced tea down the front of her dress. To me, this is the only way to deal with obnoxious bitches and it's probably why I'd never do well in the service industry. Anyhow, they get majorly delayed due to their evil cab driver while Team Zebra is opening up their suitcase and proceeding on to the next clue.

Cheyenne arrives at the Detour and it's Gold or Glass. In gold, they have to measure out $500,000 in gold. In glass, they have to put together 12 hookahs. Cheyenne decides to do Glass and they get to work on their hookahs. I like Cheyenne and all, admittedly in part because they're friends with Kevin from BB11, but Meghan can really get on my nerves sometimes. She tells Cheyne to be cautious and to go slow, but the way she says it makes me think she's saying it for our benefit and not Cheyne's. Like she thinks that's what she should say for the cameras rather than what she'd instinctually say. I don't know how to explain it. Ok you know how you'll be sitting in a restaurant and some bitch at another table is talking really loud and it's obvious she wants you to hear what she's talking about? Well, the way Meghan talks to Cheyne reminds me of that. It's not that she's particularly loud, but that she's a little disingenuous in her delivery. I can forgive it only because Cheyne and his hair are funny and I give lots of extra points for a sense of humor.

Team Zebra, on the other hand, decides to do Gold and you can tell Vanessa Williams was trying to think of ways to shove that gold down her pants without anyone noticing. The problem with the gold challenge was that the exchange rate kept changing every minute and apparently dividing a few numbers is too hard for some people. Back at the Yacht Club, The Gays and The Globetrotters are now rowing their dingies. Big Easy decided to use his mammoth arms to row the boat because for some reason he couldn't figure out how to use the oars. Flight Time yells, "Do it for the hood!" Sam or Dan, they're interchangable to me, shouts to the Sam or Dan in the boat, "Do it for the suburbs!" and everyone at home promptly giggled. Eventually, both teams make it back to the boat house, but Big Easy apparently left his brain on the yacht and now he can't figure out how to open the case. He thinks the hour, the minute, and the date are the code and begins to violently beat his briefcase when it refuses to open. Conversely, The Gays open theirs in a snap and they gloat and strut off to their next Detour. Even the Holy Rollers (Canaan/Mika) and The Poker Bitches (Tiffany/Maria) manage to catch up and pass the Globetrotters. Big Easy announces his briefcase is "tore up" and he continues to try to pry it open with his meaty hands.

Over at the Hookah challenge, Meghan is still nagging Cheyne and they end up putting the hookah's together incorrectly. Meanwhile Vanessa Williams figures stealing gold isn't an option so Team Zebra quit that challenge and decide to try the hookah's instead. PinkyPa immediately decides to do the hookah challenge as Pinky assures his dad he knows what hookah is. I'll bet you do buddy. To everyone's surprise his dad nods knowingly saying he knows what one is too, but he used to call it something else and I immediately picture PinkyPa sitting at home after the race is all done packing a huge purple bong tightly with some Northern Lights. Anyhow, Cheyenne finally finish after discovering they missed a washer and are instructed to proceed to the Atlantis Dubai Resort.

Here's my favorite part of the show and not only because I've been to the Paradise Island Atlantis (which looks exactly like the Dubai one) probably 10 times in my life. My family has been visiting the Atlantis in the Bahamas for years, way before the South Africans bought it and added all the water slides and shark crap. I am no stranger to Bahama Mamas, Screaming Zombies, Booze Cruises, Bahamian ganja, Conch Fritters, and breaking hearts up and down the crystal blue coast line. Good times and everyone should go there at least once in their life. You won't be sorry.

OK so the teams are instructed to make their way to the Atlantis and go down a water slide into a pool of sharks. The shark part sounds sketchy, but then you have to remember that this is a FAMILY RESORT and little kids do this shit all day long. The only thing you have to be scared of is the massive wedgie you'll get going down that slide. Seriously, I once went on a water slide like that (at Kings Dominion I think) and your bathing suit rides up your ass in a most unpleasant way. I remember being in 8th grade on a field trip pointing and laughing at all the older ladies digging in and pulling their wedgies out in front of everyone after going down the super steep water slide. The key is to fix your suit before you stand up or else you'll get snot nosed adolescents pointing and laughing at you. Cheyenne announce they're afraid of heights and Meghan wonders if the sharks are real or fake, but they both suck it up and go down sliding into another first place win. They win some personal watercraft thing and Cheyne does the phoniest reaction I've ever seen when he exclaims, "Oh my god... no way!" You know he was thinking, "Why couldn't we just get another trip somewhere?" I imagine that unless you live on the beach or have a second house on a lake a personal watercraft is kind of a crappy prize. I wonder if they've put them up on eBay yet...

Back at the hookah challenge, Vanessa Williams is insisting that accuracy and specificity is completely unnecessary. She thinks having mismatched colored hoses and parts connected incorrectly is just fine and dandy. Is having a gut in a pageant ok? Is having stains on your evening gown ok? Is smiling and waving with spinach in your teeth ok? Uh no! You don't half ass your pageant bullshit so why would you half ass the hookah? Every time they put the hookah's together incorrectly her face would contort and react and I immediately feared for everyone's life. It's a good thing they weren't putting together bayonets or something sharp because Vanessa is fully capable of pulling a Whitney and cutting a bitch.

Back at the Gold challenge, The Poker Bitches and The Gays have teamed up again and vow to help each other. The Gays share their calculator, The Poker Bitches use their math skills, and together they knock they come up with a half a million in gold and arrive at the Pit Stop in 2nd and 3rd place. All the other teams are still struggling with the hookah challenge. Pinky, totally jonesing for a hit, gets light headed and has to sit down. Mika, slowly beginning her transformation into a 5 year old girl, announces out of nowhere "I wish I were naked right now." Canaan, horrified at the thought of a woman naked, puts all his attention into the hookah's trying to erase the image of boobies in his head. Eventually, the teams all finish the hookah challenge and hurl themselves down the water slide with no problem whatsoever. All except for the Holy Rollers...

Canaan and Mika approach the water slide like it's an executioner's platform. Mika, terrified and clad in the ugliest bathing suit I've ever seen, actually has water wings on. Water wings! It's a goddamn water slide and bitch has water wings on. Canaan knows the longer they stay up there, the more scared Mika is gonna get so he gently tries to coax her to the water slide opening. Mika gingerly dips her toes into the water and Canaan, channeling Lance I think, puts down his bible and picks her up literally trying to hurl her ass down the slide. At this point, I'm in heaven. This shit is hysterical and I'm all excited waiting to see Mika tumble down the slide backwards. Unfortunately, Mika is a tad scrappy and manages to escape from Canaan's clutches. She literally stomps her feet in the water and shouts, "You can't make me! You can't make me!" Uh bitch, you're on national TV, wearing arm floaties, throwing a temper tantrum about a water slide. Are you for real? I wonder what it was like for her parents when she was a kid and visiting Disneyland. I'll bet she screamed bloody murder on the Teacups and puked all over the robot children in It's A Small World After All. Moonbounces at birthday parties made her break out into hives and I'm quite sure she threw her own shit at the monkeys at the zoo. How does she take a bath or ride an elevator? Seriously, how does she function if a hotel she's staying at has a fountain out front?

Writing about reality shows, I can't help but imagine what I would be like if I were to be cast. I know that Survivor is filthy and without WiFi so that's a show I'd never do. I know that Big Brother has cameras everywhere and I hate people being all in my business so fat chance seeing me anywhere near that house. AND I know that some sort of swimming, running, and possible Bungee jumping is compulsory when it comes to The Amazing Race. The one thing that would scare me would be Bungee jumping or Skydiving, but the desire not to look like a pussy on national tv would overpower my desire to be scared and I'd jump dammit. I'd fucking jump. Sure, I'd probably pee my pants and cry like a little bitch, but I'd do it because I'd anticipate it. I'd know it would be coming eventually and I'd prepare myself not to even think about it and just do it. It's stunning to me that Mika goes on a show filled with shit she's scared of and she's completely unprepared mentally to tackle the challenges she knows are coming. Even dumb ass Jordan from Big Brother knew enough to watch previous seasons before going on the show. There is no way Mika didn't know she'd encounter water and heights on The Amazing Race. It pisses me off that she took someone else's space on the show - someone who'd actually relish the challenges. From what I've seen online, people go batshit crazy trying to get on this show more so than any other reality show I've ever seen and it kills me that this useless bitch got chosen. Yes, it bugs me that she's a budding country star and I'm 99% sure she did this show for publicity and NOT for the race itself. That is infuriating and insulting to the thousands of teams who apply every season. For the record, I've never applied. The Amazing Race is a little too anxiety ridden for me and when I travel I prefer to take my sweet old time instead of constantly rushing. I'm a hang out with the locals, explore the road less traveled, ingratiate myself into the culture kind of traveler.

OK so at this point the Globetrotters are finishing up at the gold challenge and Mika is whining to Canaan, "Why do you want to do this stupid stuff? This is stupid, stupid, stupid..." and then she starts to pray. Hmmm, did Canaan make her do the show? Was it his idea all along? I'd be interested to know if he held a gun (or a bible) to her head and forced her to go on The Amazing Race. Was she shackled and blindfolded and denied food and shelter if she didn't go on the show? No. Hell no. Bitch had a hand in being there and she's fooling no one. After several minutes of her whining bullshit she sits on the slide and I'm thinking, "Dammit, the bitch is actually going to go down the slide." At this point I've given up on my dream of her flailing down the slide and replaced it with a new dream of her being booted back to the States. I'm done with her and her pseudo non sexual boyfriend right about now. God (or Satan) must have heard my pleas because she just sits there and moans about how she hates her life. She even turns to Canaan and says, "Canaan, why do you hate me?" Oh. My. God. I don't advocate domestic violence at all, but at that point I wanted him to punch her. Oh come on, you know you did too.

Hours pass (no not really) and The Globetrotters arrive. The Holy Rollers now have 2 minutes to go down the slide and then, according to the rules, they have to step aside and let the other team go ahead. The Globetrotters are doing it for the Hood bitches and, let me tell you, they do the Hood proud. They proceed to taunt Mika and tell her to not go down the slide, that it's too high, that it's dangerous, that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. Canaan is literally seething while I'm at home clapping and spreading frosting on my chest. The Globetrotters have officially moved up a few notches on my list. I admire what they did up on that water slide and, as we all know, Mika didn't go down in her allotted 2 minutes and the Holy Rollers finally got eliminated.

OK let's get onto what we've been waiting for... Team Ass Burgers! Finally, those bitches found their way back from the brothels and made it to Elimination Station. Justin is bearded and probably hungover, but it's good to see him and Zev go out and experience new exotic tastes and flavors. I'll bet honest with you I completely tuned out the video as soon as the Holy Rollers showed up. I hate those bitches with a passion and I'm going to immediately unfollow them on Twitter as soon as I'm done posting this. Take that!

Please to enjoy: