Anyhow, all teams board the same flight to Vegas and all is well. Only Brian looks a little nervous. A saint stepping out in Sin City can only end badly and he knows it. They land without incident and now it's a race to the taxis. Whitney is waving her machete as she plows through the crowds while Dan is knocking down innocent elderly tourists. Lots of hips were broken that day my friends. Eventually, they all make it to the chapel where a young (and obviously dumb) couple is busy getting married while a drunken Elvis sings 'Amazing (G)Race'. How sweet the sounds... that is, until the three remaining teams decide to join in and sing too. Yuck. Uncomfortable. Makes me crinkle my nose and look away when people willingly embarrass themselves like that. Finally, it dawns on one of them, Sam or Whiney McWhinerson, that they're still in a race so they essentially shove the newleyweds to the side, grab Elvis by his lapels, and demand he gives them their next clues. The clue says to travel to Mandalay Bay. The teams bolt out of the chapel, but not before Whitney yells out some very sage advice, "Marriage is wonderful. Just don't race each other!"
Team Zebra, in a very ballsy move, decides to trust their cab driver who tells them he knows of a secret faster way to get to Mandalay Bay. This method hasn't worked out well for Zebra in the past, but Brian has performed enough good deeds for their luck to finally change. It turns out the cabby was right and they are the first to arrive. The clue reads, "Who's ready to climb a mountain?". As Brian is scared of heights, Whitney snatches the clue out of his hand and declares she's doing it. She has to rappel face first down the side of the bloody hotel. Seriously, that is a great challenge and I have to admit that I really admired the way Whitney tackled it. She was scared, but she knew her fear would only serve to inhibit her so she sucked it up, stomped her fear with a sharply pointed stiletto, and bitch turned into Spiderwoman and went down that building. She cheered herself on the entire time while Brian was standing at the bottom hyperventilating into a paper bag.
Team Fuckery arrives shortly thereafter and Cheyne Big Mouth decides to do the challenge. Ugh... you know what this means, don't you? Now we have to hear more Whiney McWhinerson cheering him on. The only thing worse than Meghan whining is Meghan cheering. "Come on Cheyne. You can do it Cheyne. You're doing good Cheyne. Keep going Cheyne. You're almost there Cheyne. You're doing great Cheyne. You can do it Cheyne. Keep it up Cheyne. You're doing awesome Cheyne. You're almost done Cheyne. Good job Cheyne. Why won't you marry me Cheyne? I didn't like the way you looked at me back there Cheyne. Did you steal my hair gel this morning Cheyne? Cheyne we really need to talk about this. Cheyne. Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne, Cheyne... " SHUT UP!!! Oh my god that bitch drives me crazy. At this point Dan was there too and it took every fiber of his being not to pummel her face in. Despite knowing he'd be reunited with Meghan, Cheyne finishes followed by Sam.
Now the teams race to join the cast of Love which is a Cirque De Soleil show at the Mirage. Whitney is totally psyched because she's in the lead. She even started to do her pageant wave she normally reserves for parade floats. She's smiling brightly at passersby and has stopped flashing her ninja stars to the cab driver in the rearview mirror. Why, she's almost delightful. OK so Team Zebra arrives and they're instructed to use bungee chords to fling a team member up to retrieve a bouquet of flowers. Whitney looks at the apparatus and scoffs. "This is going to be SO easy", she thinks to herself. She's got a 30 second lead at this point which, to her, translates as winning the whole damn game so she's not worried about a thing. That is, until Team Fuckery comes marching in. Oh hell to the no! Whitney's resolve immediately starts to dissipate and she starts screaming at Brian. Brian tries to fling Whitney to the flowers, but she just sinks like a stone to the ground. Uh oh... run Brian run! Meghan is now strapped into her bungee cords and Whitney is flailing her limbs kicking and screaming for Brian to fling her in the right direction. Brian, flustered and scared for when she comes out of her harness, is trembling which results in Whitney flying every which way but up.
Over at Team Fuckery Meghan is whining to Cheyne that her ankles hurt her so he has to be careful. Did all that talking and cheerleading somehow cause her to sprain an ankle while sitting on the sidelines as Cheyne went down the side of the building? Personally, I think she ran out of things to complain about and ankles sounded like as good a topic as any. At this point The Gays have finally arrived and they read their clue. It says "Pick a rigor", but Dan thinks it says, "Pick a ranger". This made me giggle a little as I realize that Dan probably has a thing for men in uniform. OK so Cheyne is violently hurling Meghan by her oh so delicate ankles and, much to Whitney's dismay, she gets a bouquet.
What happens next can best be described in the Tori Amos song 'Muhammed My Friend'. One of the lyrics goes something like this: And Moses I know/I know you've seen fire/But you've never seen fire/Until you've seen Pele blow. I use these lyrics because Whitney, our not so lovable pageant queen, takes it upon herself to morph into the angry fire breathing volcano goddess that is Pele. She's hanging from her bungee cords hurling her body violently into some sort of ancient warrior goddess convulsions screaming at the top of her lungs for Brian to switch places with her. It's at this point where Whitney sets an Amazing Race record. In every single episode this season, she has successfully sought a way to cut corners, given up, and/or quit in the middle of a challenge. Congratulations Whitney! Please don't cut me.
Whitney finishes up her hissy fit and demands that Brian switch places with her. He's scared out of his wits so he obliges and climbs into the harness. He makes the sign of the cross, tinkles in his pants a little, and waits for Whitney to viciously hurl him up into the rafters. Whitney is all anger and ferocity at this point so Brian is basically just smashing his head against the ceiling. Blood is spattering everywhere. Whitney gets a drop in her eye and in her weave. *Gasp!* That's it. That's all it took. She grabs the bungee cords, shakes Brian until one of his eyeballs is hanging out of it's socket, and then demands they switch places again. Brian, a bloody mangled mess, limps out of the harness, but he's not fast enough and Whitney bludgeons him with her hair straightener. While Brian is getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter, The Gays are gaily grabbing their bouquet. *covers eyes not wanting to see Brian get pummelled*
It's at this point that Whitney begins her gutteral primal grunting screaming thing. She's literally hanging there covering her face bawling her eyes out kicking her legs making every volcano on the planet erupt. I felt the ground beneath me vibrate as I'm sure you did too. Luckily for Team Fuckery and The Gays, they're safely in their cabs trying to figure out what the most famous casino is in Monaco. Cue the most idiotic moment of the show. OK I've actually been to Monaco and to the place the clue was referring to BUT even if I hadn't, I would have known the answer. First of all, everyone should know that Monaco is a principality on the coast of France. At the very least you should know that Grace Kelly, the Hollywood actress, used to be it's Princess and she died in a horrible car accident on it's winding streets. This should be common knowledge! Even if you're a cultural idiot, you can recall the scene in Howard Stern's Private Parts when Howard is telling the story of Prince Reindeer (nee Ranier). He's talking about MONTE CARLO! Monte Fucking Carlo... where the wealthy go to play. Christ, you can watch an episode of Vh-1's The Fabulous Life to know about Monte Carlo.