Jody & Shannon: Team Depends

Next up is Team Depends. The grandmother and granddaughter team from Texas. I just took a quick glance at their cbs.com bio and literally spit out the coffee that was in my mouth. Tell me this is for real... Grandma Jody is 71 and a personal trainer. HAHA! A personal trainer? Do her clients box kangaroos and toss around medicine balls? Seriously, I love that. She competes in triatholons (like JLo!) and wants to complete a full marathon before she dies. Bitch better get on that cuz that St. Peter could be coming for her ass tomorrow.

The more I read, the more I fall in love with Jody. In the 90's, she did a two year stint as a stand-up comedian. That's genius! I want her to be my grandma. She can give me hard candy out of her pocket and wake me up at 6am to eat oatmeal and go power walking.

Dear Centrum Silver, I found your new spokesperson. Love, Lala.

To be quite honest, I could care less about Shannon. She's getting her degree in Economics and blah blah blah. Let's get back to Jody already. She's ambitious, feisty, and I'm already ordering Metamucil as an homage to her. Her life long dreams include: walking the Appalachian Trail (so she's who Sanford was boning!), hiking the Colorado mountains, competing in an Iron Man triatholon (!), trekking in Norway, bicycling through the Netherlands (where she'll probably smoke weed and moonlight as a prostitute), developing a tv show about old farts who like to work out, and trading places with Carol Burnett for a day. Wow. I want to be like Jody when I'm old and decrepit.

As much I'm loving Jody and popping Correctol in her honor, I don't think this duo will perform well at all. As a matter of fact, I predict a very early dismissal for these fine ladies (I may or may not have read that somewhere). It's too bad really. Jody could have been my new hero. I'm raising my glass of prune juice in your honor Jody. Rock on girlfriend! Seriously Jody, if you're reading this, contact me. I would love to talk to you.

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Jet & Cord: Team Cowboy

Ugh. I don't like cowboys. I don't like country music. Cowboy boots are handcrafted in Hades and chaps are only useful if they're assless. This does not bode well for Team Cowboy. Before I've even taken a look at their bios, I already know I don't like them. Cowboys tend to be right wing, overly Christian, homophobic, and fond of calling their women "little ladies". Sure, I'm relying on every stereotype in the book, but if these boys prove me wrong they'll emerge as heroes in the end. I leave the challenge up to them.

These lasso tossing young gents are Jet and Cord and they're brothers from Oklahoma. Jet is 30, loves to read, and says his brother Cord is his hero. Cord is 29, a champion bull rider, and doesn't own a tv or radio. Hold up! No tv? That's just not right. I don't trust people who don't watch television. I think they should all be sent to live on a deserted island where they can spend their days and nights playing charades or whatever it is non-TV people do. Madonna will be their queen. She doesn't like tv either. So self righteous.

Cord's life long dream, and I shit you not, is to get married, have lots of babies, and live happily ever after. *yawn* Oh sorry, I was just dozing off at how boring this idiot's life long dream is. How about traveling the world, starting a colony of leprechauns, or erecting a water tower full of gin? Those are life long dreams not keeping your wife barefoot and pregnant.

If you can imagine, Jet's dreams are even simpler. All this good ole boy wants is to keep being a cowboy and riding horses. If he wins the million dollars he'll pay off his house and go buy some books or something. I don't think these guys will win. Athletically, they might have an advantage, but the whole "fish out of water" thing in foreign lands might be their downfall. Look for them to last until midway, mutter phrases like "Aw shucks", "Gee willakers", and "Pardon me ma'am". Their ignorance could be charming, but they better make sure they're not rude or unaccepting of new cultures. If they're wide-eyed and innocent and open to everything and anything they see, I'll rethink my early hatred of them. Until then, I'll continue my lobby to rename country music as "Devil's Music". Don't let me down boys. The ball is in your court.

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Dana & Adrian: Team Moprah

Today we meet the Davis'. Dana and Adrian were high school sweethearts who are now married and living in Texas. On paper they sound like your typical couple. They want to be healthy, raise happy children, and continue to successfully run their property management/real estate firm, but if you're like me and are eagerly sniffing out anything to pick on you need only look beneath the surface. Hey, I don't have a video to mock and make fun of. I have to deal with what I'm given. I'm resourceful like that.

According to cbs.com, Adrian doesn't like it when Dana busts his balls and serves up double standards on household duties. I'll interpret this to mean that she's a total nag and makes poor Adrian scrub and toil in the kitchen while she leaves used cotton balls covered in bright red nail polish all over the bathroom floor. I'll bet she doesn't flush the toilet either. Adrian probably huffs and pouts at having to put the dishes away while Dana soaks in her tub eating bonbons and throwing candy wrappers at his head. It could happen.

Dana would like to share her story of overcoming abuse and blah blah blah. Ugh... we don't need another Mackenzie Phillips chickie. You just do you and let Oprah do Oprah. By the way, she wants to trade places with Oprah which makes me think this bitch is looking for a book deal after all this is said and done. Am I being too harsh? No, I think not. She says Jesus is her hero. When I think "hero" I think Bonnie Tyler so there!





Well, I don't think I like the Davis'. They want to give part of their winnings to the church and that offends me personally. If I won a million bucks, I'd hang up my brothel business, fly to French Polynesia, buy an island beach house, and seduce the natives til my dying days. Screw the church. I'd spend my money on billowy silky thin curtains, top of the line opium, and enough glitter to dip every seashell in the ocean into. Anyhow, I'm thinking these two might bicker a little too much for my taste. Dana probably always thinks she's right and Adrian probably always gives in. How boring their sex life must be.

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Carol & Brandy: Team L Word

It's like a Subaru commercial just landed on my blog. Like an Ani DiFranco song playing in a night club full of lady love, Carol and Brandy come sweeping in to answer my call for "More lesbians!" on reality shows. For years we've been blessed with "Token Gays" and, while they're usually fabulous (save Sam and Dan), the ladies haven't really had a chance to represent. In honor of my salaciously fierce girl crush on Kate Moennig, I'm officially dubbing this team: Team L Word.

Carol runs her own company, doesn't like it that Brandy bites (nice!), and claims that joining The Amazing Race is very out of character for her. Brandy, on the other hand, is an actress, prides herself on her spontanaeity, and thinks we'd all be surprised to know that she's bisexual. They love their dogs, like to cook, and want to be the first all female team to win The Amazing Race. One thing they both agree on is that communication will be their biggest challenge. I'll bet these two have wicked bitter fights... followed by some hot boobie fondling lady sex. Is it just me or am I getting a major Tasha and Alice vibe from these two? Carol being Tasha and Brandy being Alice.

I'd love to be able to share Team L Word's video with you, but guess what? Looks like some fucktard with a remarkable lack of brain cells removed the videos from both youtube and cbs.com. Wow... it's even gone from IMDb.com. Dammit... I've searched every single site the videos have been posted on and they're all gone. Seriously, who's genius idea was this with the show 2 weeks away? Unbelievable. If the videos resurface, I'll definitely post them back here ASAP. Sorry about that folks. I'm just as bummed as you are. If anyone else finds them, leave me a comment with a link and I'll check it out.

In summation, I like Team L Word... I like them a lot. Any team that lets me write me about Bette, Shane, Helena, Shane, Tasha, Shane, Jenny, Shane, etc. is a team I'm gonna support... braless. Sure, why not? Put on The Cliks, read Snarker's blog, and whip up a batch of vegan muffins. It's all about the ladies this season I say. Team L Word for the win!

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Caite & Brent: Team Such As

I can't express how much I'm looking forward to this one. As most of you know Caite is the infamous Miss South Carolina who gave that wretched answer, "The Iraq such as...". As her boyfriend has major douche face and is pretty much insignificant in my world I've dubbed this team... Team Such As. On CBS.com, they're being called "Dating Models". Oh come on, let's just call a spade a spade already. They were cast so we could see just how stupid they are. Caite is milking her 15 minutes for all it's worth and I can't say I blame her. She has nothing to offer the world, but dumb blonde jokes and a pending meth addiction. I can totally see her on Celebrity Rehab in a few years... or maybe Celebrity Fit Club... I'm not sure which one would be funnier.

Brent doesn't like that Caite can't take criticism and Caite doesn't like it that Brent picks his nose and leaves the tissues in the toilet. If Caite wins the money, she'd buy a Maserati and some alcohol. Seriously, I'm not kidding. Her bio at CBS.com is pretty much a laugh a minute. I can't decide whether I want to embrace her for her honesty or start hurling ninja stars at her. She has such potential to be a great Reality TV star. All I want out of her is "hot mess" personified. I have no allusions about her performance or who she is as a person. She'll be dim, selfish, impatient, and hard-headed yet there is some part of me that wants to cheer her on. The girl makes no apologies for being a super bitch and I'd be a hypcocrite if I didn't appreciate that just a teeny tiny bit.

Let's check out their video and see if anything else comes to light. Please to enjoy:





Yeah I was right. She's gonna be an epic bitch. It's up to her as to whether or not she makes it entertaining or simply annoying. I'm almost reminded of Ericka of Team Zebra. Sure, she was a heinous bitch, but you can't tell me you didn't enjoy it when she strapped on her Whitney Weave and lost her ever loving mind. Breakdowns on The Amazing Race are like little precious fairies dancing in the moonlight. You just look at them and smile knowing your night had just become a little jollier.

I'm going to predict that they will last longer than Jeff and Jordan - only because this will thrill me immensely - but that they won't go to the end. Caite will lose her shit during a challenge and it'll stifle the communication needed to succeed. I also think it's painfully clear that Douchey Brent is only with her for the recognition and fame potential. She'll kick him to the curb by the time the show is done airing to wander the dark and musty clubs lining Hollywood Blvd. She'll gaze expectantly at club owners twirling their moustaches. A whiff of promise in the air, 4 inch black patent leather stilettos touched up with a Sharpie, and a waiting dirty stained mattress in the back... I could really learn to love this girl and her hot mess potential.

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